This write is one that holds a power unlike any other piece that I have ever written before. A power very deeply connected to things within me and about my life journey that have played a part in shaping me into the person that I learned to be. Over the last two years, I have committed myself to a new path of growth and healing since losing the love of my life. I embarked on this journey during a time where I felt quite lost and in need of finding out who I am meant to be at this time in life. This path has required me to look inward, upward, and outward. And the outcome has included significant realizations about self, my past, my relationships, and my future. Realizations that I am beyond grateful for. I have found the greatest liberation from my healing journey although it has at times been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to commit to. Today I write to share a little more about my truth as it relates to deep reality testing, assessment of relationships in my life, and breaking unhealthy habits/patterns. I write to express how we can find the greatest freedom in our lives simply by writing our truths; and going even further to challenge those truths through comparison to words and experiences sometimes presented to harm us or create self-doubt. This work is quite unique as it is an entry straight from my mind dump journal, that helped me arrive at a truth that I have prayed for, for some time. The truth that I am not and do not have to be what others wish to mold me into. The truth that my walk in this life may feel like a foreign language to others. The truth that my greatest liberation has come just by me better understanding and accepting me for me.
I recently had an exchange with someone in my life who has struggled to understand me. I never understood the discord but over the years realized that no matter what I said, did in life, or how hard I worked, I’d likely be viewed with a side eye, and viewed as this character foreign to who I know myself to be. In this conversation, I received a breakdown/list of many of the things that this person saw in me. It was shocking and overwhelming but an opportunity to reality test, self-reflect, and grow in the areas where I was falling short. And as I reviewed the list, few things resonated with me. So, I ran to my journal and hoped that in working through things visually and in an engaging way, I could better arrive at what I was missing. I made a chart (the nerd in me couldn’t resist) with two columns: one labeled “their truth about me” and the other labeled “my truth”. I went to work listing and comparing, with my truths noted in many parts as affirmations that I will continue to speak to myself. What I found in the end has left me feeling more empowered and freer than I have ever felt in my life.
This deep reality testing chart from my mind dump journal looked like this:
| Their Truth About Me | My Truth |
| I abandoned my child to be free, to travel, for 5- years | For a period of two years of my life, I moved 2hrs way from my first child to obtain higher education. It was a hard sacrifice to make. I cried often and worried at times, but knew it was for a chance to better myself. I took the opportunity to visit as often as I could. I worked hard, enjoyed life as a young college student, and balanced what it was to do so while being a mother. |
| I prioritized globetrotting over being a mother | My babies venture with me mostly everywhere I go. I once enjoyed one vacation to Mexico during the two years that I committed to my master’s degree, while my baby girl was not in my care full-time. I took a trip during one of my spring breaks with friends and loved it. It was for respite. I thought I earned it for working hard. When my daughter moved back in my care, it was “grind” time but after two years we traveled parts of the world together for 10 months in South & Central America and two weeks in our favorite place: The Philippines. |
| I am disrespectful | I use my voice. I stand up for myself and what I belief is right. I am passionate. I am not perfect. I am principled. I am human. |
| My significant others gained their acceptance | In my 33-years, I have had 3 long-term relationships in my adult life. All which came with their own unique challenges and one that shook my world in a crazy way. But nothing that I feel I didn’t manage as best I could or that I allowed to cause problems in the lives of the people I love. My most recent love Ilya Paka was a man who changed my life. He naturally gained the love of most people that he met as the gem that he was. In my eyes, no one did him any favors accepting him. To know him was to love him. |
| I don’t worry about my children | I became a stay-at-home & work from home mom because I worry greatly about my children. When away from my littles, I often feel anxious. I think about their future often. I raise them to be close so that in my absence, they have the love and support of one another always. |
| I complain about everyone | I speak up about what bothers me. One of my qualities that I admire is my frank and vocal nature. I don’t allow people to treat me any way they wish. I speak my values and try to outline healthy boundaries. I protect my peace which includes protecting my babies from the actions and words of others that I find harmful. |
| The care that I select for my children is questionable | I trust my children in the care of individuals I can trust. In my absence, my children have experienced things that were harmful while with people I believed I could trust. Today, I forgive myself for this and separate my children from sources of harm. |
| I am blasphemous | I confide in friends and loved ones I can trust, regarding my truth and struggles. They encourage and support me. I return the same. The nature of our conversations are based in truth and real-life experiences. I encourage people to find support in people with whom they feel most comfortable. I encourage friendships and the growing of your own tribe. I speak out against things that are malicious and untrue. |
| I have no loyalty | I refuse to condone what I believe is negative or toxic actions. I am loyal to who and what feels right. I disagree with the idea that status, roles, etc. should exempt people from consequences when they are wrong. I have strong relationships based on love, truth, and loyalty which I am proud of. |
| I have misconceptions about my life | I design my life based on my values and all that I believe to be true. I accept that not everyone will understand my life. I make mistakes as I am not perfect. My life is very much about trial and error. I learn and adjust as I go. |
| I shut people out | I love genuine, loving connections that feel in alignment with who I am. I give people chances. I am social. I thrive off of healthy relations. I enforce my boundaries. I no longer accept things that feel wrong to me. |
| I use my children as pawns | I dedicate my life and entire existence to protecting my children from harm/potential harm. |
| There is no perfect person; they are content with their efforts and role in my life… they are excellent. | There is no perfect person. Perfection in my opinion doesn’t exist. I don’t strive for perfection. I strive towards greater healing and growth. I am good at certain things in my life. There is always room for me to improve. My best looks different as I grow. I am a work in progress. My excellence will be determined by my higher power, at my end. |
Wooooh! Processing and working through this conversation took grace and bravery. I received the message, realized the reality that I would destroy myself working to ever gain the understanding of this person in my lifetime, and I set the burden free. I mediated, connected with my tribe, ugly cried, and now I carry on… continuing to process all of this and ultimately work through what I feel now. In my journal I wrote:
“Wow! Finding truth is liberating. It sometimes takes a lot of work and deep reality testing. This entry has freed me in a way that I never imagined.”
Tea Pakanayeva- in my journal title “A Journey to a Better Me Through the Art of Mind Dumping”
This process for me was necessary to work through the bounds of a relationship that has played a significant role in my life and influenced me in ways both good and bad. I share my approach to freeing myself from this bond to offer hope and inspiration to someone else out there. Self-doubt is often times the result of things that we are told about who we are. In not being able to see what others see in us, we can sometimes fall into dark places of despair. But today I encourage you to rise above this as difficult as it may sometimes feel. Remind yourself of who you are, your purpose, and what you commit yourself to, daily. Free yourself from things and people not in alignment with your highest self. Find simple activities such as meditation, journaling, and genuine affirmations to help you find your way and elevate. Turn to resources such as coaching and counseling as your find your truth. Your truth will always set you free. Sending an abundance of love and light to my tribe out there today, doing the work of deep deep healing. Keep pushing… liberation is so close.
Be well in these uncertain times friends, until next time….
xoxo,
Tea
Millennial Mom
Millennial Mom 