Deeper Than My Grief: Hi My Name is Tea

On my course of learning to live my life again, after surviving one of the most traumatic events in my life, I discovered so much about what healing is and is not. I had no idea that through efforts to mend my broken heart and accept that my soulmate is physically gone forever and never coming back, I would end up where I am today. More and more I see that life is such an enigma. As ugly and as painful as this healing venture has been, I now see it as something just as beautiful, for the ways in which it has shaped me for a brighter future… for a brighter me.

Healing is not linear.

Healing is not easy.

Healing is not a one-and-done process.

Healing is a life-long commitment.

Healing is ugly.

Healing is beautiful.

Healing is transformative.

Healing is deep-rooted.

Healing is a complete undoing.

Healing is leaving no stone unturned.

Healing is a choice made by the bravest.

Healing has bases.

Healing requires that we do or we do not.

Healing requires that we go all the way.

Healing leaves us bare, vulnerable, forever changed.

Healing is why we are here.

In discovering these truths about healing, I tried to outline a more dedicated routine for myself. Through daily practices of prayer, journaling, meditation, breath work, and clearing of my inner energy over the last 2.5 years, I began to uncover many things hidden in my subconscious. Truths about myself that were shocking to me in a state of consciousness all came to light. Things that my mind amazingly disguised for years as if they never happened and things that were very painful to face, finally became ones that I could no longer run from. In December of 2021, I experienced what some would call a nervous breakdown. All that I unveiled was overwhelming for me. A relative whom I am now estranged from said it was my karma. Maybe so, but I am not certain of this. I say that this unraveling was a spiritual experience of a breakthrough bound to happen, from years and years of always pushing myself to overcome and survive, while sweeping the things that hurt me the most into the darkest corners of my mind. After making a personal commitment to broadening my spiritual practices in ways unlike ever before, I believe my mind, body, and soul shifted more into alignment, craving a deeper level of personal truth. Holistically, I was ready for a commitment to true change and healing that would shake my entire existence. And on December 10th, 2021, I believe my guides took me on the wildest ride of my life to break down walls and beliefs that formed over a period of years, causing me to operate from a place of survival rather than living from a place authentic to my purpose. But we must live to learn, and I now accept that this was all a part of a greater process.

During this breakthrough I connected with lost loved ones whom I never knew much about before. I learned about some of my spiritual gifts passed down to me through generations. I watched myself through childhood experiences and made sense of things that always felt foreign to me. I identified earthly blockages puppeteering me through life. And I ultimately endured what the spiritually attuned would describe as a massive download or spiritual ceremony. Looking back, I know that it was all a mix of bizarre, comical, and concerning happenings for outsiders looking in. Medical professionals would question if it was a chemically induced trip or psychosis. If you’ve never navigated such an experience, these words likely translate to foreign language. Working in mental health has given me theoretical perspectives of these kind of mind shifts. But living through this opened my eyes to the connections between spiritual realms and psyche that I am now eager to explore more. My experience was one of the most mind-blowing things that I have ever encountered but, I now trust that these ventures are real! All in all, I awoke at the end of all of this in a hospital bed trying to find the right words to help someone viewing my case clinically, understand that I was ok… trying to find strength to tell myself that it would all be ok. I’m grateful that my higher power and mother universe always has the most divine plan and led me in the right direction to recover from such an experience. I was happy to return home safely to my babies, knowing what alternative outcomes could have been.

On my first day back home following my hospital discharge, I felt that I was being afforded an opportunity to begin a completely “new life”. A life of deeper practices, with complete disconnect from hinderances, and a complete letting go of everything and anyone that interfered with my true purpose. Everything around me was the same but my perspective had shifted drastically. I was afraid and vulnerable and everything that I once knew, was no more. I was tempted to choose comfort and familiarity over change because I desperately wanted to feel safe. It was here that I realized that my healing journey would require that I venture deeper than my grief. My healing journey needed to touch on my childhood, my beliefs, my survival habits, my ego, the constructs surrounding the way in which I viewed myself, and all of my traumas that impact every aspect of my being. Again, all of this was quite frightening to think of initially. But after overcoming a 5-day mental health hospital stay while “out of my mind”, not knowing what would come next, I thought to myself that the only thing that could be worse than sitting with what I now knew/felt and doing some deep-rooted healing, was sitting with it and doing nothing at all, continuing on in the same way. For what is life if we do not strive for truth? A fallacy. What is life if we do not commit to overcoming the circumstances we are born into? In my mind, a waste.

And so, I continued my daily meditation practices, venturing into new forms including kundalini and past life meditations. I attended my first retreat without a group of friends with whom I was familiar. I began reading various texts on the subject matters of healing, spirituality, chakras, and trauma. In the spring of 2022, I took things a step further and sought out a therapist for added support through all of this. I was quite specific in my prayers about the type of professional I was seeking. Although I participated in talk therapy in the past, my intentions this time around were very different. I was fortunate to have been connected with a woman and practitioner who embodied much of what I was looking for. Her poise and genuine nature touched my soul in such an unexpected way in a relatively short period of time. She is someone new in my life who has guided me into deeper self-reflection and the rebuilding of my life; a compassionate soul whose skills are allowing us both to witness years-worth of transformation happening week after week.

I recently awoke with a desire to share this part of my story for a number of reasons. From my personal experiences, I truly understand how difficult it can be to jumpstart one’s healing voyage when afraid, carrying heavy burdens, feeling unsure of where to start, or when not surrounded by supports/acquaintances on a similar path. So, I share my story as an example of where and when my current path began. I also continue to share my hardships because I repeatedly find gems and beauty in life processes that are downright ugly. That for me is both growth and a blessing… one of the biggest rewards in all of this. I live more and more in a space of peace and gratitude as I progress along my path. Not because things in my life are perfect; not because I live my life without flaw; not because my reality is exactly as I have dreamed it. But because I now possess greater clarity to see that the person I was yesterday, is different from the person I am today. I see tremendous growth from things that once hindered me. I now face things that I ran from in the past, with grace and bravery. And that gives me hope. Hope that I do not have to simply exist, survive, and accept what I was born into. Hope that I can design the life of my dreams with boundaries and safety, speaking life into all that I want, embracing all that I am, and surrounding myself with people and things that uplift me. I feel anew with this level of acceptance and understanding. It is something in my life worthy of celebrating. And before I share a little more about this new version of me, it’s only fitting that I formally introduce the new me. Hi, my name is Tanisha (Tea) Pakanayeva. I’m a resilient soul unapologetically me, who is hopeful, healing, and finding greater happiness every day.

Embracing the way in which my healing journey has taken me deeper than my grief, has brought me closer to the woman that I know I am destined to be. It is somewhat unfortunate that through the greatest loss of my life, I learned so much about myself, but I accept it. I have uncovered things that have freed me, things that I am no longer ashamed of, things that no one can hold above me because I have committed to facing all of my own stuff head on. This new version of me is one that I have hoped to find all my life. I am empowered, I am powerful, and I am a symbol of change. And with change comes discomfort. Sadly this new version of me now leaves some in a place of discord because I cannot and will no longer try to fit certain molds. And to that discontent I say may we be thankful for the memories and move forward making new ones on different paths. This new version of me allows me to be all that I need to be for myself without seeking out a crutch or a savior to protect me from what is painful. I can commit to being a better mother to my children who are two souls who deserve this growth and elevation of me more than anyone. And altogether, I know that this new walk in my power, with continued transparency about my struggles and triumphs will serve to light the torch for someone inspired by my journey to know that they can begin theirs too.

There is no official guidebook to healing and if there is anything that I can say as words of advice, it would be go deep. Leave nothing unturned. Be brave. Do it with your all or don’t. This is how I commit to continue chugging along on this ride, ready for a restart or revision whenever necessary. Thank you for following!

I dedicate this write to my spiritual tribe who has given me a sense of belonging on a flight that has at times felt so lonely; to my children who give me my greatest hope to keep going every day; to my daughter and best friend who through thick and thin loves me unwaveringly and who is open to finding truth together; to my friends who consistently make room for me in their lives giving me opportunity to navigate this difficult road with love, compassion, and support; and to my dearest love and late husband Ilya who dedicated what he could to loving me like no other during his time here, before I truly learned what it was to love myself. Thank you! I am forever grateful to you all.

I hope that this piece has touched the heart of at least one. May we commit to our individual healing daily and never lose sight of true purpose. Until my next write, love and light to the world.

xoxo,

Tea