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Justice for Ilya: A Disheartening Fight for Truth

My beloved Ilya, despite the fatigue I feel in my spirit and the pain that I feel in my heart, I will never stop fighting for you. #Justice4Ilya

By now the Millennial Mom community and friends near and far know of the tragic loss of my dearest love Ilya Pakanayev. December 24th, 2022 was the three year anniversary of Ilya’s death. Although I have hoped and believed that my pain would decrease with time, this year has felt extremely painful. It was likely worse than the pain that I felt on the morning that I received that shocking call and my mourning commenced. This is because I have spent much of 2022 in torment; battling what I wanted for myself and my family as it relates to the fight for Ilya, against the opinions of others. I made the decision in November of 2022 to bring light my late husband’s case for the sake of seeking justice and the full truth. I have traumatically relived the happenings of day one, lost hope in humanity learning new details about Ilya’s case, and I live in a state of confusion daily trying to navigate where to turn next. With many things so uncertain at this time in life, the only thing that I know with great certainty is that I will never stop in my fight for #Justice for Ilya.

From restaurant tables to bathroom stalls, everywhere I go, I’m sharing Ilya’s story. I’m grateful to supporters who have joined in this mission. Spreading awareness is our greatest hope at this time.

If you are unaware of Ilya’s story, in short, he left home on December 23rd, 2019 and never returned. He was traveling from our home in Monticello NY, to his parents in Forest Hills, Queens NY. It was the second night of Chanukah but Ilya never made it to his destination. He was ultimately found in the a.m. hours on Christmas eve, unconscious in a driveway in Southside Jamaica Queens. Upon receipt of a call providing only the details “Ilya’s dead”, I instantly knew that something was very wrong in Ilya’s case but genuinely trusted that authorities would figure it all out. As things stand today, I was naive and wrong in my beliefs. When I went to identify my love at the Queens Medical Examiner’s office, it was there that I learned that Ilya’s case was a criminal investigation.

Detectives later arrived to inform me of the strange happenings in Ilya’s case. I was told that my beautiful husband’s lifeless body was viewed via doorbell camera footage, being carried by two men and dumped in a residential driveway. According to detectives the men were identified and authorities were waiting to interview them. Our family was ultimately told that an investigation was underway and we would be provided updates as developments unfolded. Anxious and desperate for the truth, I called the police precinct persistently for updates hoping that new answers would come promptly, due to the early developments in the case. Week after week, from December of 2019 to March of 2020, when I reached out to the police department, I was told that the case was still moving forward. And then COVID-19 hit and the world went mad. Ilya’s case was passed through different investigative divisions within the NYPD and to the hands/desks of different professionals. Around his birthday in May of 2020, I called the police precinct only to learn that his case had been “closed months ago”. My heart sank and my mind went blank. What came next was more indicators that there was more to Ilya’s case than I had initially thought. This discovery led me down a very dark and lonely road, trying to raise my children while my mind played out traumatic scenarios day after day. I attempted to ignore my grief and in doing so I developed what is known as prolonged bereavement. Ilya’s story has caused me to experience PTSD symptoms. With all of this I have still found the will to go on. Now when people ask how my only answer is “by the grace of G_d”.

Your love and beautiful soul has left my life forever changed. It taught me many lessons including ones about life in general and how to love myself first.

I have found it necessary to take two plus years to process my pain; a task which looks different everyday and a process that will continue for the rest of my life. Through this journey I had to discover my own healing regimen in efforts to best cope with my new reality. This had to be a top priority before I could dedicate myself to fighting for justice for Ilya in a healthy way. In November after feeling tired, disappointed, angry, and desperate for answers, I sprang into action, launching a social media campaign to bring awareness to Ilya’s case. It was 12 long weeks of foot work, completing a long list of responsibilities every single day. New discoveries that came to light during this time were eye opening and disheartening at the same time. And although I believe that I made new strides unlike I had ever made in the past, the words, attitudes, violation of my family’s privacy and wishes, and a complete lack of concern for humanity were more in my face than ever before as I was pursuing this fight, relying on social media. In a situation such as my own, the coldness of the world was too hard to ignore.

Ilya’s resting place in Wellwood Cemetery

Where things stand today, my heart is broken and the hope that I have for humanity dwindles every day. It is thanks to the earthly angels who walk with me through this life and the divine, that I find more strength to keep on in this mission; especially on the days when I am truly ready to give up. I am grateful for the advances that I was able to make at the start of this campaign, with the support of friends, family, and new supporters via our GoFundMe dedicated to raising money for a private investigator and an independent medical examiner. I am thankful to News12 reporter Blaise Gomez for covering Ilya’s story and bringing light to the injustices in his case. And lastly, I am thankful for everyone who has checked on me and supported me through this very painful process. At present, I have strayed away from social media as a tool in this fight. Maybe in the future I will return there. For now I have realized the importance of finding another way. I have been writing for grants to help families like my own, continuing outreach efforts with the team that has joined me in doing so, and relying on my more intimate communities for support. More than ever before I need to redefine and redesign a tribe. Through this pain ridden movement I learned who my tribe truly is.

As always, I wanted to share my truth here to reach anyone who can relate to my pain. I also turn here with hopes that anyone who wishes to connect with me, will reach me. Maybe you’re a widow or a widower too; maybe you’ve suffered a tragic loss; maybe in some area of your life you’ve lost hope; or maybe you’ve realized that your tribe needs some redesigning and through my story you’re reminded that it’s a reality for not only you. Whatever the case, you are not alone and I live to be a resource and supporter to people like us. If you’re reading this today and are drawn to support the #Justice4Ilya campaign, here is how you can help:

1. Donate to and or share our GoFundMe link

2. Participate in outreach efforts by emailing info@justice4iLyaPaka.org to receive info cards via mail that you can distribute in your community

3. Join an upcoming call to assist with sourcing grants or to help brainstorm other ways to reach our goals (email above contact for details)

4. Follow us on Instagram @Just4iLyaPaka

*** These are the ways in which I am currently asking for support in this mission to get answers in Ilya’s mysterious death. I ask that any other effort be discussed with me prior, due to the nature and sensitivity of our situation.

I hope that this write reaches the eyes and hearts of whomever it needs to reach. Sending love and positive energy to my Millennial Mom supporters all over the world and I ask that you keep my family in thoughts and prayers in a similar way. Stay tuned for my next writes including one titled:

My Prayer for All of the Forgotten Ones

There is so much new content waiting to be published here and through my continued dedication to writing, I show my followers who turn to this blog for inspiration and hope that you are never forgotten. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

Deeper Than My Grief: Hi My Name is Tea

Finding my inner peace on sacred land in Sedona, AZ… PRICELESS!

On my course of learning to live my life again, after surviving one of the most traumatic events in my life, I discovered so much about what healing is and is not. I had no idea that through efforts to mend my broken heart and accept that my soulmate is physically gone forever and never coming back, I would end up where I am today. More and more I see that life is such an enigma. As ugly and as painful as this healing venture has been, I now see it as something just as beautiful, for the ways in which it has shaped me for a brighter future… for a brighter me.

In a world where change is inevitable, I try to assure that finding my breath and rhythm daily is a constant. It’s the one thing that keeps me centered. Outdoor meditation on a road trip this past summer (2022)- Geneva State Park, Ohio

Healing is not linear.

Healing is not easy.

Healing is not a one-and-done process.

Healing is a life-long commitment.

Healing is ugly.

Healing is beautiful.

Healing is transformative.

Healing is deep-rooted.

Healing is a complete undoing.

Healing is leaving no stone unturned.

Healing is a choice made by the bravest.

Healing has bases.

Healing requires that we do or we do not.

Healing requires that we go all the way.

Healing leaves us bare, vulnerable, forever changed.

Healing is why we are here.

On a recent visit to a beach in Ohio, my baby girl taught me the spiritual meaning of stacking cairns… to create balance, to showcase our gratitude, to remember important experiences, places, and loved ones, and for prosperous and intentional paths. Pictured here is my first stone structure… picture perfect 🤍

In discovering these truths about healing, I tried to outline a more dedicated routine for myself. Through daily practices of prayer, journaling, meditation, breath work, and clearing of my inner energy over the last 2.5 years, I began to uncover many things hidden in my subconscious. Truths about myself that were shocking to me in a state of consciousness all came to light. Things that my mind amazingly disguised for years as if they never happened and things that were very painful to face, finally became ones that I could no longer run from. In December of 2021, I experienced what some would call a nervous breakdown. All that I unveiled was overwhelming for me. A relative whom I am now estranged from said it was my karma. Maybe so, but I am not certain of this. I say that this unraveling was a spiritual experience of a breakthrough bound to happen, from years and years of always pushing myself to overcome and survive, while sweeping the things that hurt me the most into the darkest corners of my mind. After making a personal commitment to broadening my spiritual practices in ways unlike ever before, I believe my mind, body, and soul shifted more into alignment, craving a deeper level of personal truth. Holistically, I was ready for a commitment to true change and healing that would shake my entire existence. And on December 10th, 2021, I believe my guides took me on the wildest ride of my life to break down walls and beliefs that formed over a period of years, causing me to operate from a place of survival rather than living from a place authentic to my purpose. But we must live to learn, and I now accept that this was all a part of a greater process.

During this breakthrough I connected with lost loved ones whom I never knew much about before. I learned about some of my spiritual gifts passed down to me through generations. I watched myself through childhood experiences and made sense of things that always felt foreign to me. I identified earthly blockages puppeteering me through life. And I ultimately endured what the spiritually attuned would describe as a massive download or spiritual ceremony. Looking back, I know that it was all a mix of bizarre, comical, and concerning happenings for outsiders looking in. Medical professionals would question if it was a chemically induced trip or psychosis. If you’ve never navigated such an experience, these words likely translate to foreign language. Working in mental health has given me theoretical perspectives of these kind of mind shifts. But living through this opened my eyes to the connections between spiritual realms and psyche that I am now eager to explore more. My experience was one of the most mind-blowing things that I have ever encountered but, I now trust that these ventures are real! All in all, I awoke at the end of all of this in a hospital bed trying to find the right words to help someone viewing my case clinically, understand that I was ok… trying to find strength to tell myself that it would all be ok. I’m grateful that my higher power and mother universe always has the most divine plan and led me in the right direction to recover from such an experience. I was happy to return home safely to my babies, knowing what alternative outcomes could have been.

On my first day back home following my hospital discharge, I felt that I was being afforded an opportunity to begin a completely “new life”. A life of deeper practices, with complete disconnect from hinderances, and a complete letting go of everything and anyone that interfered with my true purpose. Everything around me was the same but my perspective had shifted drastically. I was afraid and vulnerable and everything that I once knew, was no more. I was tempted to choose comfort and familiarity over change because I desperately wanted to feel safe. It was here that I realized that my healing journey would require that I venture deeper than my grief. My healing journey needed to touch on my childhood, my beliefs, my survival habits, my ego, the constructs surrounding the way in which I viewed myself, and all of my traumas that impact every aspect of my being. Again, all of this was quite frightening to think of initially. But after overcoming a 5-day mental health hospital stay while “out of my mind”, not knowing what would come next, I thought to myself that the only thing that could be worse than sitting with what I now knew/felt and doing some deep-rooted healing, was sitting with it and doing nothing at all, continuing on in the same way. For what is life if we do not strive for truth? A fallacy. What is life if we do not commit to overcoming the circumstances we are born into? In my mind, a waste.

I continue to find the greatest sense of peace and healing in nature, near bodies of water. This summer I ventured on a road trip with my babies, chasing waterfalls and good eats. This was a creek in Asheville, NC where we enjoyed grounding and listening to the sounds of natural water flow and all of nature at work.

And so, I continued my daily meditation practices, venturing into new forms including kundalini and past life meditations. I attended my first retreat without a group of friends with whom I was familiar. I began reading various texts on the subject matters of healing, spirituality, chakras, and trauma. In the spring of 2022, I took things a step further and sought out a therapist for added support through all of this. I was quite specific in my prayers about the type of professional I was seeking. Although I participated in talk therapy in the past, my intentions this time around were very different. I was fortunate to have been connected with a woman and practitioner who embodied much of what I was looking for. Her poise and genuine nature touched my soul in such an unexpected way in a relatively short period of time. She is someone new in my life who has guided me into deeper self-reflection and the rebuilding of my life; a compassionate soul whose skills are allowing us both to witness years-worth of transformation happening week after week.

I recently awoke with a desire to share this part of my story for a number of reasons. From my personal experiences, I truly understand how difficult it can be to jumpstart one’s healing voyage when afraid, carrying heavy burdens, feeling unsure of where to start, or when not surrounded by supports/acquaintances on a similar path. So, I share my story as an example of where and when my current path began. I also continue to share my hardships because I repeatedly find gems and beauty in life processes that are downright ugly. That for me is both growth and a blessing… one of the biggest rewards in all of this. I live more and more in a space of peace and gratitude as I progress along my path. Not because things in my life are perfect; not because I live my life without flaw; not because my reality is exactly as I have dreamed it. But because I now possess greater clarity to see that the person I was yesterday, is different from the person I am today. I see tremendous growth from things that once hindered me. I now face things that I ran from in the past, with grace and bravery. And that gives me hope. Hope that I do not have to simply exist, survive, and accept what I was born into. Hope that I can design the life of my dreams with boundaries and safety, speaking life into all that I want, embracing all that I am, and surrounding myself with people and things that uplift me. I feel anew with this level of acceptance and understanding. It is something in my life worthy of celebrating. And before I share a little more about this new version of me, it’s only fitting that I formally introduce the new me. Hi, my name is Tanisha (Tea) Pakanayeva. I’m a resilient soul unapologetically me, who is hopeful, healing, and finding greater happiness every day.

Meditation and waterfalls in Indianapolis, summer 2022

Their little eyes are always watching… Abe copying and Bree capturing. I strive to make them proud!
Outdoor meditation, West Virginia, summer 2022

Embracing the way in which my healing journey has taken me deeper than my grief, has brought me closer to the woman that I know I am destined to be. It is somewhat unfortunate that through the greatest loss of my life, I learned so much about myself, but I accept it. I have uncovered things that have freed me, things that I am no longer ashamed of, things that no one can hold above me because I have committed to facing all of my own stuff head on. This new version of me is one that I have hoped to find all my life. I am empowered, I am powerful, and I am a symbol of change. And with change comes discomfort. Sadly this new version of me now leaves some in a place of discord because I cannot and will no longer try to fit certain molds. And to that discontent I say may we be thankful for the memories and move forward making new ones on different paths. This new version of me allows me to be all that I need to be for myself without seeking out a crutch or a savior to protect me from what is painful. I can commit to being a better mother to my children who are two souls who deserve this growth and elevation of me more than anyone. And altogether, I know that this new walk in my power, with continued transparency about my struggles and triumphs will serve to light the torch for someone inspired by my journey to know that they can begin theirs too.

Two books that have captivated my attention over the last few months

There is no official guidebook to healing and if there is anything that I can say as words of advice, it would be go deep. Leave nothing unturned. Be brave. Do it with your all or don’t. This is how I commit to continue chugging along on this ride, ready for a restart or revision whenever necessary. Thank you for following!

I dedicate this write to my spiritual tribe who has given me a sense of belonging on a flight that has at times felt so lonely; to my children who give me my greatest hope to keep going every day; to my daughter and best friend who through thick and thin loves me unwaveringly and who is open to finding truth together; to my friends who consistently make room for me in their lives giving me opportunity to navigate this difficult road with love, compassion, and support; and to my dearest love and late husband Ilya who dedicated what he could to loving me like no other during his time here, before I truly learned what it was to love myself. Thank you! I am forever grateful to you all.

I hope that this piece has touched the heart of at least one. May we commit to our individual healing daily and never lose sight of true purpose. Until my next write, love and light to the world.

xoxo,

Tea

And if I do not set out to accomplish anything else in this life, becoming their mother was my greatest accomplishment of all. A’Bree Inez and A’Brahm ILian, I love you with all of me.

Liberated By My Truth

I turned 33 this year in May and spent my day at my favorite vineyard in Lexington, NC. It was a birthday outing that I now see as truly symbolic. The last year for me has been like the aging of fine wine… with time, a maturity and quality that is grand.

This write is one that holds a power unlike any other piece that I have ever written before. A power very deeply connected to things within me and about my life journey that have played a part in shaping me into the person that I learned to be. Over the last two years, I have committed myself to a new path of growth and healing since losing the love of my life. I embarked on this journey during a time where I felt quite lost and in need of finding out who I am meant to be at this time in life. This path has required me to look inward, upward, and outward. And the outcome has included significant realizations about self, my past, my relationships, and my future. Realizations that I am beyond grateful for. I have found the greatest liberation from my healing journey although it has at times been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to commit to. Today I write to share a little more about my truth as it relates to deep reality testing, assessment of relationships in my life, and breaking unhealthy habits/patterns. I write to express how we can find the greatest freedom in our lives simply by writing our truths; and going even further to challenge those truths through comparison to words and experiences sometimes presented to harm us or create self-doubt. This work is quite unique as it is an entry straight from my mind dump journal, that helped me arrive at a truth that I have prayed for, for some time. The truth that I am not and do not have to be what others wish to mold me into. The truth that my walk in this life may feel like a foreign language to others. The truth that my greatest liberation has come just by me better understanding and accepting me for me.

I recently had an exchange with someone in my life who has struggled to understand me. I never understood the discord but over the years realized that no matter what I said, did in life, or how hard I worked, I’d likely be viewed with a side eye, and viewed as this character foreign to who I know myself to be. In this conversation, I received a breakdown/list of many of the things that this person saw in me. It was shocking and overwhelming but an opportunity to reality test, self-reflect, and grow in the areas where I was falling short. And as I reviewed the list, few things resonated with me. So, I ran to my journal and hoped that in working through things visually and in an engaging way, I could better arrive at what I was missing. I made a chart (the nerd in me couldn’t resist) with two columns: one labeled “their truth about me” and the other labeled “my truth”. I went to work listing and comparing, with my truths noted in many parts as affirmations that I will continue to speak to myself. What I found in the end has left me feeling more empowered and freer than I have ever felt in my life.

My soul always leads me to water to find the greatest peace. It is in nature where I have received the most abundant healing.

This deep reality testing chart from my mind dump journal looked like this:

Their Truth About Me	My Truth
I abandoned my child to be free, to travel, for 5- years	For a period of two years of my life, I moved 2hrs way from my first child to obtain higher education. It was a hard sacrifice to make. I cried often and worried at times, but knew it was for a chance to better myself. I took the opportunity to visit as often as I could. I worked hard, enjoyed life as a young college student, and balanced what it was to do so while being a mother.
I prioritized globetrotting over being a mother	My babies venture with me mostly everywhere I go. I once enjoyed one vacation to Mexico during the two years that I committed to my master’s degree, while my baby girl was not in my care full-time. I took a trip during one of my spring breaks with friends and loved it. It was for respite. I thought I earned it for working hard. When my daughter moved back in my care, it was “grind” time but after two years we traveled parts of the world together for 10 months in South & Central America and two weeks in our favorite place: The Philippines.
I am disrespectful	I use my voice. I stand up for myself and what I belief is right. I am passionate. I am not perfect. I am principled. I am human.
My significant others gained their acceptance	In my 33-years, I have had 3 long-term relationships in my adult life. All which came with their own unique challenges and one that shook my world in a crazy way. But nothing that I feel I didn’t manage as best I could or that I allowed to cause problems in the lives of the people I love. My most recent love Ilya Paka was a man who changed my life. He naturally gained the love of most people that he met as the gem that he was. In my eyes, no one did him any favors accepting him. To know him was to love him.
I don’t worry about my children	I became a stay-at-home & work from home mom because I worry greatly about my children. When away from my littles, I often feel anxious. I think about their future often. I raise them to be close so that in my absence, they have the love and support of one another always.
I complain about everyone	I speak up about what bothers me. One of my qualities that I admire is my frank and vocal nature. I don’t allow people to treat me any way they wish. I speak my values and try to outline healthy boundaries. I protect my peace which includes protecting my babies from the actions and words of others that I find harmful.
The care that I select for my children is questionable	I trust my children in the care of individuals I can trust. In my absence, my children have experienced things that were harmful while with people I believed I could trust. Today, I forgive myself for this and separate my children from sources of harm.
I am blasphemous	I confide in friends and loved ones I can trust, regarding my truth and struggles. They encourage and support me. I return the same. The nature of our conversations are based in truth and real-life experiences. I encourage people to find support in people with whom they feel most comfortable. I encourage friendships and the growing of your own tribe. I speak out against things that are malicious and untrue.
I have no loyalty	I refuse to condone what I believe is negative or toxic actions. I am loyal to who and what feels right. I disagree with the idea that status, roles, etc. should exempt people from consequences when they are wrong. I have strong relationships based on love, truth, and loyalty which I am proud of.
I have misconceptions about my life	I design my life based on my values and all that I believe to be true. I accept that not everyone will understand my life. I make mistakes as I am not perfect. My life is very much about trial and error. I learn and adjust as I go.
I shut people out	I love genuine, loving connections that feel in alignment with who I am. I give people chances. I am social. I thrive off of healthy relations. I enforce my boundaries. I no longer accept things that feel wrong to me.
I use my children as pawns	I dedicate my life and entire existence to protecting my children from harm/potential harm.
There is no perfect person; they are content with their efforts and role in my life… they are excellent.	There is no perfect person. Perfection in my opinion doesn’t exist. I don’t strive for perfection. I strive towards greater healing and growth. I am good at certain things in my life. There is always room for me to improve. My best looks different as I grow. I am a work in progress. My excellence will be determined by my higher power, at my end.

Here she is…. my Mind Dump Journal. She allows me to free my mind without prompts. I draw, doodle, write deep entries, and just go where my heart leads me. It has been a transformative process and mind dumping is a process that I began about two years ago and have since taught the art to the women whom I work with.

Wooooh! Processing and working through this conversation took grace and bravery. I received the message, realized the reality that I would destroy myself working to ever gain the understanding of this person in my lifetime, and I set the burden free. I mediated, connected with my tribe, ugly cried, and now I carry on… continuing to process all of this and ultimately work through what I feel now. In my journal I wrote:

“Wow! Finding truth is liberating. It sometimes takes a lot of work and deep reality testing. This entry has freed me in a way that I never imagined.”
Tea Pakanayeva- in my journal title “A Journey to a Better Me Through the Art of Mind Dumping”

This process for me was necessary to work through the bounds of a relationship that has played a significant role in my life and influenced me in ways both good and bad. I share my approach to freeing myself from this bond to offer hope and inspiration to someone else out there. Self-doubt is often times the result of things that we are told about who we are. In not being able to see what others see in us, we can sometimes fall into dark places of despair. But today I encourage you to rise above this as difficult as it may sometimes feel. Remind yourself of who you are, your purpose, and what you commit yourself to, daily. Free yourself from things and people not in alignment with your highest self. Find simple activities such as meditation, journaling, and genuine affirmations to help you find your way and elevate. Turn to resources such as coaching and counseling as your find your truth. Your truth will always set you free. Sending an abundance of love and light to my tribe out there today, doing the work of deep deep healing. Keep pushing… liberation is so close.

I dedicate this write to my beautiful children A’Bree Inez (13) and A’Brahm Ilian (4). Thank you for your unconditional love. I commit to being a better of myself not only for me but for us. Love Mama ❤

Be well in these uncertain times friends, until next time….

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

Unpublished Gem: Will It Be Forever? pt.II: 3 laws to love by

I lay here on May 21, 2022 at 5:04am on my last day of vacation in Punta Cana, DR (the destination where I married my soulmate) editing this write which I initially drafted on January 29th, 2019- exactly one year and 25 days into my marriage with my dearest love Ilya. Little did I know that 5 days short of 11 months later, December 24, 2019, I’d be receiving the news that the love of my life was dead. And so the last two plus years have been a journey of pain, yearning for understanding, healing, and rollercoaster rides. And last night into today, like many other nights that eventually turn to dusk, I struggle to sleep. Thinking about what was, what could have been, and what will be. A rather chaotic state of mind to dwell in but a real one that I work to soothe and conquer daily. I saw this unpublished draft last night as I scrolled through my written work to find something worthy of being blasted next and knew it would be the one I shared with my readers next. I believe that from just editing this work, I was able to answer the question that my title initially posed. I’ll get into that at the conclusion of this write but first I’ll share with you what I drafted on that day almost 4 years ago…

“I write today simply to encourage other couples that it is indeed possible to survive the most trying of circumstances in a relationship/marriage, if you are willing to do the work. And I write to attest to the fact that no relationship is perfect although most of the things that we absorb around us, work to convince us otherwise. Although I cannot say with certainty what the future holds for my love and I, I sure hope for our forever together and commit to working towards just that, one day at a time. After one year of marriage, here’s a list of principles/ “laws to love by” that we learned and plan to continue to use and master on our journey.

Family holiday shoot, 12.2018

Law #1 Be Our Own Inspiration

1. Remembering our vows and goals always

2. Avoiding comparing our union to “Jack and Jill”

3. Avoiding the pressures of social media/society about what our love should look like

If you know my family or have followed our blogging journey thus far, you are aware of all the things that make us unorthodox/millennials. From the way our littles are raised and schooled, to our religious practices, to our union, to our plans for the future. Most days I’m super proud of the life we are building and then there are days that I question if what we are doing makes sense or is “right”. These doubts have sometimes impacted my relationship with my hubby and encourage me to regularly reflect. So I came up with the law of being our own inspiration so that we consistently aim to be mindful of why we became one to begin with, remember why we established the goals for life that we did, and remind ourselves of the promises we made to each other. We make great efforts to avoid comparing our life to that of others because our love story is ours. And at times when seeking approval and understanding from outside of our union, we can open ourselves up to receive advice and input out of alignment with what we actually need. In our home, “focused chats” are a practice that we’ve started to be sure we are addressing areas of our marriage and family life that we want to grow in.

Law #2 Master Healthy Communication (using the 3 important steps)

1. Determine the goal of the conversation

2. Determining the right time to talk

3. Listen to understand

4. Respond for the purpose of progress, repair, and to do no harm

Update: I was shocked in my marriage to see how great Ilya was at this. I always coined myself the great communicator in our duo. Ilya’s gentle and loving nature made it easy to work through our challenges and communicate better. He’d often joke that he wasn’t bothered by my “little attitude” and encouraged me to promise that we’d never go to sleep angry at one another. I can’t say we were successful every night but we did a darn good job overall.

Law #3 Boundaries

1. Our household first… our plans, our expectations, and our practices FIRST!

2. Individuality- the ability to be ourselves, do what we love, regularly enjoy time apart, and routinely reconvene to work together as one.

Law #4 Love, Love, Love

And at the core of everything that we do and commit to, love, love, love.

At the start of this write, I noted the question posed in my title. Where I am at this point in my healing journey, I can say that my love story is forever. The love and soul connection that I share with my dearest love Ilya is immortal and will live on. We lived out our vows of until death do us part and even in death, Ilya has made his abundant love known to me by way of signs and messages through people near and far, strangers and close friends. I will share more about these unique happenings in future publications including a short book dedicated to these supernatural occurrences. Look out for pieces in my series My Dearest Love Ilya for more on this part of my life. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Like what you’ve read? Have a suggestion for a future blog or have a question? Let me know in the comments. Check out what I’m up to these days here.

Unpublished Gems: Why I Stopped Sending My 8-year old to “Daycare”

Bree all dressed and ready for school… looking her best and shining bright, September 2017

Yet again, it has been months since I blogged last. I’ve lacked time, inspiration, and ideas of what to share here on my blog. Despite this, I I love what I started 5 years ago here on Millennial Mom and want to get back to writing and sharing my life story more consistently. I am working on new content now and have decided that in the interim, I will share my folder of drafted pieces with my followers before I release a write that is more in line with what has transpired in my life recently. This series of posts will be titled Unpublished Gems. In honor of my baby girl who truly isn’t a baby anymore, and who will be a teenager in just a few short weeks, I am publishing this article that I drafted 4 years ago. It’s dusty and quite dated however, I hope that it will resonate/inspire one of my readers. So here it goes!

Where did my baby go? 13 in just a few weeks. Parenting is the one thing in my life that has shown me that time waits for no one.

The cost of childcare these days is close to a college tuition. But when you’re a full-time working parent with limited support, sometimes you just have to accept that cost. I was fortunate for many years to have free childcare from 7:15am to 6:00pm, Monday thru Friday. Yup that’s right… FREE. Who could pass up that offer? You’d be surprised to know that I accepted that deal for a short time before I gave it up. Now before you conclude that I’m a crazy person for doing such a thing, listen to my story and reasoning for why.

My daughter’s daycare was located at P.S. 377 in Brooklyn, New York on the second floor. I would drive 40 minutes with traffic to drop her off in the morning, after a 5:30am wake-up. I’d then hustle to work fighting more traffic then race against the clock, in even more traffic at 4:30pm to make it back to my baby just before 6:00pm. Once back at home, it would be about 7pm and mama was completing household duties, homework, and work for clients. I would have a two-hour window to make dinner, lunches for the following day, tidy the house, get a shower, and spend time with “mini me”. Now I’m sure after reading up to this point you have two big questions. So let me answer one that you may have which is how did I balance such a hectic schedule? The answer is by the grace of a higher power who loves me dearly. I literally sacrificed my health and sleep to keep up with this lifestyle. But who was it benefiting? My apartment management company who I gave away the majority of my salary to; or the creditors and loan companies that I owed; or my utility companies? That’s not really the problem here as I entered those agreements and fully accepted the responsibility. The problem is why wasn’t my “mini me” and the care providers who looked after her for almost 12-hours per day, benefiting just as much? That never sat well with me and one day I told myself that something had to change. After consulting with an “expert” I agreed that I was not going to send my daughter to daycare anymore.

By now you may be on to the point that I’m making. My reference to “daycare” is not speaking of the typical daycare that you first think of when you hear the word (I will also note now that the “expert” I consulted with was my daughter). Daycare for us became my daughter’s school. Before I move on, let me be clear that my point-of-view is in no way demeaning teachers or school systems! I instead wish to highlight my believe that a huge burden placed on teachers in America; some of the most under paid professionals in our society who bare the greatest responsibility. In addition to this point, I write this post to share my reasoning for why I could no longer allow my little to be a part of the traditional school system. Now moving right along…

How could the most important person in my life be in receipt of so little of my time? Every other entity in my life was given more of my energy and resources than she was. People have argued that as a working mom, I was affording my daughter everything that she needed and that was the benefit for her in our situation. However, after traveling and world-schooling for a short time, I realized that the life that I afforded us in the states was not what we needed at all. In fact it was my want… my desire to keep up with one way of life when there are many other ways. This want lacked consideration of all the small things that truly make life special. When I finally realized this, minimalism and unorthodox living became a huge thing for me. We were going to do more with less in unique ways that were fitting for us, and refocus our lives on what really mattered most: our happiness, quality time, memories, and family. We strongly believed that homeschooling and child-led learning would afford us just that.

I ultimately decided to register my “mini me” as a homeschooled student again in 2018 and decided that I would become a stay-at-home mom again. We previously tried this lifestyle out in 2015 and loved it but ended up back at the starting line of the rat race in 2017 (I’ll detail why in another write that pertains to my dearest love Ilya, who I have since lost). We experienced all the pressures of the American Dream and disliked it. We designed a new way of living but later came back to try the accepted dream again, only to find that our sentiments were exactly the same. Instead of complaining about going back to something that clearly was not for us, I made a decision that I am now sticking to. I have established a bill of rights for my family that include my children being my top priority in a way that it shows.

As for me in my household, my children will be the recipients of the majority of my time, energy and resources; their happiness will be a valued genuinely above all else; and I as their mother and guide with a spiritual connection to them from their time in my womb will see them for who they are, assume the responsibility for connecting them to learning opportunities in line with who they are, that will ultimately carry them far in life no matter where their little feet (or a plane) shall take them. I will never preach about what another parent or family should do and I stand firm in demanding that others offer me the same. Even as a professional who has attained “higher education” , I crave more (something different) for my children.

A’Bree’s (12) first day of 7th grade and A’Brahm’s (3) first day of pre-k, homeschool edition, August 2021

As things stand, my littles are in my care daily; happy, learning through culturally rich experiences, and thriving. This lifestyle came with many sacrifices including a great employment opportunity. However, our lifestyle and their futures hold way more value. We will continue on this path until we are routed elsewhere and along the way we will continue to share our story with the world.

Our little family unit! I’m so proud of what we have built and what we have overcome. I know Papa is smiling down on us, proud 🤍

I hope someone was inspired by this piece. I dare you to take a risk and change something uncomfortable in your life. With or without a plan, just have faith. The universe has you!! Stay tuned, until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

The Millennial Mom Intentional Living Community; a creative project that came to light during a time of loss

The last two years have entailed me creating opportunities for me to tell my story of struggle and triumph with the goal of touching the life of just one. The opportunities that have come to me through this practice of entering rooms without fear and sharing what I have endured and overcome, have been some of the biggest blessings in my life.

When life gives you lemons….

Growing up, I interpreted this cliché saying to mean that life could possibly deal you hardship from time to time. With my knowledge today, I understand that life is the lemon! Depending on one’s mindset, you can take that to mean that you are doomed for life or understand that there is so much beauty and sweetness to come out of the most sour circumstances. I choose to believe in the the latter. If you know my story, you understand that seeing life from an optimistic viewpoint has been a huge part of who I am, all my life. If you do not know my story, I hope to share more of it with you starting today; first by telling you that life has never dealt me an easy hand. However, my hardship has never stopped me from achieving great things in my 33 years of living. I accept that my journey has not been the easiest because I understand that it was not designed to be that way. Meditation has allowed me to understand where I come from and has shown me what the universe has in the stars for me. From young, I’ve known that the universe had a big job for me and every day through my pain, I commit to accomplishing my life mission to make my guides and angels proud. Telling my story without fear has been a big part of fulfilling my life purpose, for the last two years, since becoming a widow at 30-years old. Today I pray that in continuing to do so, that I not only touch the lives of others, but that I open doors for myself and my soul tribe to live lives fully aligned with passion and purpose.

I recently had a business call with a woman who attended one of my seminars at my organization Millennial Women United. The woman contacted me to applaud me for my ability to tell my story. I was honored by this and had to remind myself of the number of times that I tell the members of my organization, the importance of telling our stories. We all have one, they say so much about who we are, and they can take us to new heights so long as we are fearless and shameless enough to share them. The chapter of my life that I am currently in, is full of themes such as grief, abandonment, limited resources, closed doors, opened doors, new friendships, new opportunities, reprograming of my mind, healing, unconventional living to survive, resilience… Shall I go on? The last two years has been a wild mix of things sour and sweet since being forced to live without my husband while raising two children, and trying to move forward with my life. In another write, I will share more in detail about how and why the loss of my beautiful husband Ilya has pushed me deeper onto a path of unconventional living and hustling harder than ever before to make the dreams that I have for my children and my soul tribe, a reality. Today, I simply wish to get the word out about a project near and dear to my heart, so that I may gather the support of believers and a tribe of like minds.

Since losing my dearest love Ilya, life has greater meaning. I no longer wish to be trapped in the matrix, living according meaningless and outdated ideals. Loss has elevated my soul to a place where I see and understand further beyond that. I instead wish to live a more spiritually fulfilled life doing what I have been called to do, where the worries of day-to-day life (bills, full-time work, child-rearing, etc.) do not hinder or distract me from my calling. For the last three years, it has been my dream to begin an intentional living commune where myself and residents can live in unity, support one another, and focus more on minimalist ways of living to foster deeper connections to self, soul, and earth. I have witnessed how capitalist societies makes such a practice nearly impossible and I commit my life to changing that. I also understand how the current economy has created challenges for people to live enjoyable lives. Homelessness, unemployment, and compromised health due to stress are a few stressors that I hope to alleviate for others. I firmly believe that the culture and lifestyle that could be established through my project the Millennial Mom Intentional Living Community will help to bring about significant changes in these areas of life, for many.

Where things stand now, I am seeking to organize, plan, and fundraise for this communal living project. Life at the Millennial Mom Intentional Living Community would help residents in numerous ways, maintain quality lives through the regular practice of holistic principals. Spirituality will be at the core of everything practiced within this community. The Millennial Mom Intentional Living Community will be a place that prioritizes social cohesion, homeschool/Worldschooling, outdoor learning and exploration, spiritual elevation, holistic health, gardening, farming, meditation, and so much more. Funds raised from supporters will be used towards a land purchase, tiny home and modular home purchases, development of community spaces, resources for the community, and more. I hope to soon identify individuals interested in living and collaborating in such a community; identify supporters and funders; brainstorm locations to begin this project; and begin the fundraising process. It is my goal to launch this community in the next 4-5 years or sooner.

If what I have shared with you, interests you, please donate to this cause, share this project with those closest to you, complete the current questionnaire noting how you wish to be involved and connect with me if you have an interest to be a bigger part of this collaboration. When life gives us lemons, we can become hopeless because of the hand that we were dealt or find ways to rise above, get creative, and create something beautiful. I am doing just that with this project and seeking a powerful team to join me!

Fun Fact: While hosting a meeting for this venture in October of 2022, at Optimist Hall in Charlotte, NC, I had the opportunity to meet one of my favorite artists up close and personal. Machine Gun Kelly is someone who my late husband and I would bump to in the car all the time and experiencing his energy in person was one of the greatest feelings and something that I took as a sign that something great is the horizon.

Sending an abundance of love and light. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

@amillennial_mom

My Dearest Love Ilya (Pt. I)💔

For 5-years, you brought me flowers every chance you had. After our nuptials, it became routine on Fridays before sundown. On the day that I returned the gesture, your smiling face and warm hands were unable to receive them from me. Here I stay, carrying on without you with a broken heart. Ilya, I.L.Y.A., I’ll Love You Always, forever your wife 😢

It’s been 678 days since I last blogged! Life has been relentless… with trial after trial happening to, I mean for me. Maybe you know by now or maybe this write will carry some new news. Whatever the case, the last 477 days have been the most torturous and painful days of my existence.

12/24/2019 was the worst day of my life. On that morning, I answered a call that no wife should ever have to receive. “Ilya is dead! And so my journey of mourning commenced. My dearest love Ilya was found deceased on a street in NYC and no one had any answers. In efforts to not relive that moment again, I will refrain from describing it now. As I try to healthily work through the mountain of emotions that plague my mind daily, I’ll keep the details about my love’s death out of this piece and future writes until I’m better. What I will say is that my heart is shattered, the world has been so unkind, and I was pushed to find a new way to survive alone; without the one person who I believed to be my person… my soulmate, the man I would live out the rest of my days with. I guess the heavens said otherwise and here I stay trying to cope.

Unless you walk this walk of grieving the loss of a spouse, you could never fully understand it. It gets ugly, competitive, territorial, unempathetic; creates a feeling of doom for the people who live it and discomfort for those who watch. It becomes increasingly painful and downright lonely. As a griever, I felt that I was out of sight and out of mind for months. As Ilya’s wife, I felt that my grief was often measured and viewed to be not as bad as the parents or relatives. “But he was my son”, “but we knew him longer”, “but this is not your culture” “but your daughter is not his daughter”… just a few of the dismissive and insensitive comments that met me days into my grief journey. Forced to learn a culture I did not grow up in, without my dearest love to guide me; judged because of the color of my skin and my customs; excluded for reasons that were purely evil; embarrassed; humiliated; blamed; lied on… shall I go on? I could continue but the energy escapes me each time I recount the last year and half of my life. As the one living this new existence, it initially seemed that it was my burden to carry and no one else could fathom what I felt. Most people went back to their daily routines and old habits minutes after my love’s young but tired body was placed in the ground. My children and I were left stuck in a painful place in time where it felt like life was not worth living.

October of 2019… family photos at a beautiful home in the country when life seemed grand and our hearts were full. We had no clue what was about to shake our home in the holiday season of 2019 💔

I one day decided to find an improved and healthier way to grieve after my “mini me” said to me “mom please do something to feel better, I hate seeing you like this.” Her voice triggered something within me and maternal instinct helped me realize that my pain was harming my children. I knew that I had to save myself and my children because no one was coming to be our savior. The one person that consistently gave us unwavering love and protection was now gone. Today I find myself in a new and unfamiliar place. I am vulnerable and learning this version of Tea now. Each day I dedicate small amounts of time to journal this journey as my story will one day be told in full detail. For now, it carries so much pain that I am only capable of blurbs and rambles. There is so much to share about losing my dearest love from receiving the news, to a messy police investigation, to the burial and religious process, to the COVID-19 impact on the investigation and grieving process, to family scandal, to the mass exodus of friends, to signs from Ilya; and the path to healing my soul with my children’s gentleness and love, and Ilya’s love and spiritual guidance from beyond the veil. I have compiled my thoughts, painful experiences, and letters into what will be a book published in 2022, titled Grief Games: A Widow’s Story of Pain & Abandonment (part 1 of a 5 part series). I have also shared my story via different platforms including Instagram (@amillennial_mom) connecting with people who can relate and those who sit in shock. My children, writing, meditation, faith, and social connection with new souls has been my saving grace during this time.

I never saw this day coming… the death of my love or the aftermath. After 477 days without my dearest love Ilya, his life, our life, this life makes so much more sense. Although I continue to grieve, I can say that I have pulled myself out of the darkest time in my life and continue to work daily to find the light. This will indeed be a process for the rest of my life and I will share my story to help at least one person through the process of surviving the death of a loved one. It is very clear to me now that many people fail to survive the grief journey for it is torturous, unpredictable, lonely, dark, and unending. In my case, I’m convinced that I have found strength to carry on with my love watching over and Hashem guiding the way. For I now see light (hope) at the end of this dark place and commit to waking up every day to finish this race. My pain and struggle are not in vain and my experience is for me and for someone else to learn and grow from. Even with a shattered heart, I am dedicated to doing what I have been called to do: bring healing to masses.

A beautiful gift that holds some beautiful memories… it is a designated place for our littles to write their feelings when they are ready. It will soon hold A’Bree’s first publication… *Dear Papa* 💜

I’m not sure what is to come next… in life, for this blog… anything. But I am working each day to just get through each moment. As I can and when I can, I will share more of our story. Until then, I commit to healing my soul so that I can heal my children, so that together we can spread an abundance of love and healing to the world; just like Papa would have wanted us to do. There are one too many hurt people hurting people these days and our life story and grief journey is symbolic of that. Stay tuned for the continuation of this series. Until next time….

Love & light to the world,

Tea

The Day a Stranger Fed My Soul: feedback from a follower

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Why is it that we learn the most about a person’s impact on the world after they die? I started to think more and more about this following the death of rapper Nipsey Hussel. To be honest, I had no clue about who he was prior to his death. I only knew who he was after my cousin told me the news and referred to him as “Lauren London’s boyfriend”. Then for weeks as the world prepared to say their last goodbyes to Hussel, I witnessed how many people were truly touched by/mourning his death; celebrities and common-folk alike. I also learned about all of the amazing things that he did for his community and I was inspired. Now this piece is not at all about the latest news in Hip-hop culture. It is however, about the need for us as a people to tell our friends, our loved ones, or even a stranger how they touch our lives… while they exist with us here on earth. This was my experience twice in the past week (this happened in April) where I was on the receiving end of feedback. First happening during a “catch-up” date with a dear friend. My friend opened up to me about the way she viewed me and how I inspired her, and I cried. Hearing what she felt about me was different, a little uncomfortable, and heartwarming all at the same time.

And here’s my gal Nicole… or Kneecole as I often call her. A close friend of many years whom I’ve shared the realest chats with. She can be a little on the shy side so I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing her with you. But she’s been a great support to me for many years, during my toughest times, and I’d scream it from a roof top lol 💙 This is us mingling with the locals on a girls trip in Belize, Fall 2018.

Following the date with my friend, I asked myself why I felt any discomfort during our chat. After all we have been close friends since childhood. I came to realize that I felt weird about receiving positive feedback because I don’t get such genuine recognition enough. I also cried because my friend’s words spoke to my soul and in summary told me to keep pushing because I was doing something right. For some time I have asked mother universe, what is my purpose? who do people understand me to be? and what mark will I leave on the world when my body leaves this earth? Very deep questions, I know but I cannot carry-on in this life without confirmation. And my interaction with my friend was just that. Recently, mother universe again sent me what I asked for…. soul food and feedback; coming by way of a complete stranger in my inbox. The writer wrote:

Tanisha,

I just read your latest post and you are amazing. I first read one of your posts around 2 years ago. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. At that point I had been teaching for about 18 years. I loved the children I taught for years, and for years that kept me there. Then my job started affecting my life and my parenting. One morning when I was really feeling helpless I read your blog about giving everything up and traveling with your daughter. It gave me hope.

Through all my years (in our hometown), I knew your dad. It took me awhile to make the connection. When I saw his picture with your daughter the other day I figured out you were his daughter. Through my 18 years I would see your dad and he always spoke of you. He was always so proud of you and your accomplishments. The year I read your blog I started therapy and gained enough confidence to look for another job after 18 years. I ended up getting a position I love, 6 minutes from my house. I am happy and love my profession again. One day, my son was running a (track & field) meet. I saw your dad and we caught up for awhile. I told him I was looking for a job and he was talking about you and when you used to run. He cheered so loudly for my son that day and my son ran his best race ever. He never reached that time again. I have thought of that day and of you so often through the years. You do not know me, but just know that your words, confidence, and risk taking has made me make huge changes in my life. Thank you for that. I admire your courage!! I also wanted you to know how proud of you, your dad has always been.”

Receiving this message made my week and changed my life. It told me to keep going and so I shall. I end this post with a special message to my friends, family, and followers: tell the people around you what they mean to you! If you have a meaningful experience with a stranger, let them know. We are here for reasons greater than what we think and our interactions with one another help to bring clarity regarding our strengths and the paths that we should travel in life. Our gifts are made to touch others in a special way. What we do or should be doing should be for reasons other than recognition or financial l gain. Here on Millennial Mom, I share my gift of writing and coaching with you. I encourage you to journey through life with purpose! And be true to yourself and that purpose. And last, I advise you not to show up to my funeral crying and carrying on about what I meant to you, if you never told me while I’m here… I’ll call you out lol. I hope someone enjoyed this write. Let me know your thoughts by dropping a comment. Stay tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Get a House and Grow Your Roots”: A “gypsy” woman’s response to criticism

Rare that you see a woman of color and her miniature belly dancing on a beach right? But yes this is us! So much about us makes us such a rare bunch 💙

“Your family is like a gypsy family… no school, moving here moving there. Get a house! Grow your roots in one place” she said to me. The former statement was such a compliment to me and I immediately lit up when I heard it. The latter was the worst advice anyone could have given me, but it was understandable considering the source. Only the people who truly know me would understand why. If you have been a follower of Millennial Mom and have been keeping up with the changes I have made in my life, you know why too.

The words the woman said to me went in one ear and out the other. I felt sad for her! That although leaving her home country full of culture years ago to migrate here to the states (to find whatever she was seeking), she ultimately stopped seeking and became complacent with following the norm. Chasing money, working long hours at one job, finding little time to vacation, and accumulating large debt to live a dream that many of us are not privileged to comfortably live. For most people, this routine is the only way to live. And many people do it with or without complaint; I respect and commend the people who have chosen to live this dream. Then there are those of us who struggle and need a more sensible way to live. For me, this routine derails me from my ultimate goals and dreams. Goals and dreams that I’m repeatedly questioned about and sometimes criticized for having. So I write this post to share why I’m committed to living Tea’s Dream opposed to the one that we often refer to as the American Dream (abbreviated here as AD). And sharing how I often respond to the tough critics who simply do not get it.

Thus far in my life, I’d say I’ve come very far and accomplished a great deal. At one point, I was on the path of living this AD and was very much in agreement with it. Then one day I began to question why we strive for this one dream even when it makes life that much harder for some of us. When pondering this, I was specifically focusing on our practice of assuming large debt for higher education, the purchase of homes that will take long years to pay off, and for the purpose of buying/leasing vehicles. My thoughts initially began following a trip abroad. I remember traveling to the Philippines and being invited by our Tuk-Tuk (a motorized bike taxi) driver to his house. I was shocked to see what the driver and his family called home and I immediately felt bad for them. I didn’t want to accept a drink or the snacks that they offered us, fearing that they may not have had enough for themselves. The driver noticed my reluctance to take what he and his family were offering and then politely taught me something. He reminded me that “mini me” and I were his guests, told me that he was delighted to offer us refreshments, and said that the Philippines is not like America where his sister is a nurse. He stated that “we have much less and we are happy too”. I have since replayed this exchange in my head for the last three years because the meaning and the lesson in this conversation is so deep. Based on what I walked away with, I am constantly evaluating my life and the things that I choose to value.

Prior to shifting my focus toward a new way of living, the AD was something that I valued greatly and it was something that I was determined to achieve. My dedication started in the area of education. My education has always been important to me as I understood early on, how it would impact my ability to sustain the lifestyle that I wanted. Because of this, I was sure to take it serious from the very beginning. I finished high school in great standing and immediately went on to college despite hardship (read about it here). I knew exactly what I wanted to study and planned for it. One thing that I didn’t think through completely was the expense to obtain higher education, especially at the graduate level; and how this would impact me after completion of my degree. This topic isn’t one thoroughly addressed in school either so if you’re not learning this at home or on your own, you learn the hard way later on. But that’s a topic for a different post. Anyhow, I was fortunate to be a recipient of over $60,000 in scholarship funding which made my education affordable. However, practicum hours (3,000 plus) and maintaining the cost to live in NYC while completing my degree and work experience requirements, as a single mother, required me to secure loans to stay afloat. Luckily, the full cost of my education was covered.

Graduating with my M.A. in Forensic Mental Health Counseling from CUNY John Jay College of Criminal Justice, May, 2014.

After completing school and advancing my career, I started working to pay off loans while managing the expense of rent, my vehicle, childcare, and other bills. After a while I began to ask myself “is this life? Is this what I’m expected to do for the rest of mine? And for people like myself who are far from financial wealth, how do you comfortably make this work?” So I began plucking the brains of the people in my life who I believed to have responsibly done it; people I looked up to as good examples. Sadly, the advice I was given took me in a circle and I was right back where I started with the same questions. “New home buyer programs, leasing vs. financing, and repayment plan options” for loans were things I was told to consider. I was already aware of these things and was expecting much better advice. I ultimately decided that instead of looking outward for answers as I often tend to do, I was going to flip things and reverse it (yes I sang Missy Elliot “work it” as I wrote that). I was going to look inward, see what I needed, realize what I could live without, better understand what would make me happy at the end of this life, and change my life’s trajectory. I was going to begin moving according to a new plan that took all of these things into consideration. And so I did! You can read more about the specifics of my journey if you haven’t already, throughout my blog posts including:

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Journey to Tiny House Living: moving from one box to another? … Why?

A New Life Aligned: Meditation and Travel

Our Home… Her School: homeschooling for us

Major changes that I made related to the things at the core of the AD…. my job, my home, and the education that I afforded my daughter. I drafted a plan where we would end our expensive life in one place and instead take on a more affordable life in multiple places (countries). We would spend less time apart for the purposes of learning and working to do so while together, moving at our own pace, according to what was right for us as a family and as individuals. And I recently factored in saving to buy an unconventional home (a tiny house) outright to eliminate the debt and commitment that comes with the purchase of a traditional home, and the senselessness that exists by renting a home that will never be ours. With the amount of research, pros and cons lists, and exploration that I put in prior to setting these goals, I often feel confident with my decisions and plans. In addition, I have always believed that my resilience, hard work, and dedication to my life success have proven my ability to make the most challenging situations into something polished. Although these are my sentiments, it’s not something that everyone can see. And because of this, I often feel pressured to explain and respond to tough criticism regarding my life plans, although I understand that I don’t have to.

“No traditional school for your child? No 9-5 job? No plan to purchase a traditional home? Extended travel for months at a time?” These are some of the questions I’m often asked with pre-judgment, from those inquiring. I was once told that my plans and lifestyle are “careless” and “irresponsible”. The only reasoning I was provided was because there is “no stability and foundation” for my family based on my plans. And for the longest time I thought about these two concepts: stability and foundation and how subjective they are. From person to person, these things have different meanings. From person to person, our needs, wants, and circumstances all differ. So we should therefore strive to attain whatever it is that satisfies these things for us individually. As much as I believed in the past, that this is what most people do, I learned otherwise during the course of answering questions and responding to criticism about my practices. I started to feel as if I was viewed in a negative light for wanting to live an alternative lifestyle with benefits for my entire family. And this was quite bothersome because people have provided me little support for why they believe what I am striving for to be so careless. Thankfully such feedback hasn’t changed my mind about what I hope to accomplish and I am grateful for these conversations.

I have engaged in numerous talks (many happening thanks to my shares here on Millennial Mom) where I have clarified many misconceptions regarding some of my family practices such as homeschooling, extended travel, and journeying to live tiny. I have given many people something to think about and have received great responses … even from complete strangers. In addition to the many other things that I value, such dialogue is important to me. As I constantly evaluate my practices vs. my purpose (blog post coming soon) I hope to encourage others, and stimulate more independent thinking and living.

In my 30- years (I just celebrated another year on 5/22), here’s what I have discovered. As a people we’ve gotten too accustomed to following an outline, the majority, or the norm; being told what to think and how; feeling pressured to live a particular lifestyle out of fear, straying away from doing our own searching, and failing to truly follow what our hearts want. In my counseling work and personal life, I see this pattern too often. I repeatedly learn about the dreams that people wish they followed, why they didn’t, and the mistakes they made. Pressure from parents, desire to please the spouse, need to comfort the kids… all common responses I’ve heard about reasons dreams and plans got away from people on particular paths. I’m eager to not make this my life as I value maintaining genuine happiness and persistently attaining new knowledge much more than following what society believes is right for me. I am dedicated to navigating life’s journey according to my purpose. So I have regular check-ins with my heart and present my findings to my brain. Recently after doing so, I had to ask myself a series of questions to see just where I stand in relation to tho AD.

This clean illustration by lawyer and cartoonist Victor Chew captures how I view the AD oh too well!!! @victorexpat IG

Is it responsible to purchase a home or car that I’ll have to work and pay for, for a significant part of my life? Maybe

Is this something I could do? Yes, miserably and uncomfortably

Is this something I want to do? Absolutely not.

Is it considered “living” to me if I settle in one place, commit to working for 40 plus years at job to secure retirement and pay for material things? Not At All!!!

Here’s why:

In my life I hope to continue making as many countries in the world, our home! I’d rather pay for my children to live like royalty at a price that leaves me feeling content rather than fearful. I wish to eliminate the stress from my husband, of having to work long hard hours just to cover our basic expenses. I will live and love in a space that provides just what my family needs at a cost that allows me to make greater investments… like the purchase of farmland that my daughter asked me about, one year ago where we will one day park a tiny home and grow what our stomachs and hearts desire. I yearn for the freedom to go where my heart leads me and where the universe calls me without any burdens to hold me back. All of this is for the purpose of our genuine happiness that I first wrote about at the start of Millennial Mom. And that comes with making more memories minus all the materials, seeing new places, people, and cultures, and continuing to find peace in our minds and body, in nature. Today I’m just praying for my family’s continued faith that there is more than one way, and their understanding that the universe always has our backs. I’m far from crazy, or lazy, or careless. I’m simply trying to help my family grow without sacrificing the things that mean the most.

So the the masses that say, “grow your roots”, my roots are grounded! My trunk is grown, my branches are in place… just wait for the twigs and leaves/flowers to come. They will be a beauty and with the seasons they will change 🙏🏾. (As if I don’t have a enough to do, I am in the process of painting an oil on canvas piece as self-therapy, that I’ll call Tea’s Tree. I will share in a future post when I’m finished so look out for that.) And the people who see me as a “gypsy”, I’m flattered, thank you!

It felt good sharing this with my readers. I hope you take away the message that not everyone is going to get you. But don’t let that hinder you from doing you. We all know what’s best for us and although our choices may not always reflect that, they are things that we must live with and learn from 💙. If this post gave you a thought, or inspiration, drop a comment or emoji below (I love them). Have questions, advice, or feedback? Let a mama know. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Instead of buying your children all the things you never had, you should teach them all the things you were never taught. Material wears out but knowledge stays” – Bruce Lee

Join B.L.T.: Bree Learning with Tea

Have you learned about the latest project that “mini me” and I planned as part of expanding Millennial Mom from a blog to much more? Maybe you received our email newsletter yesterday and are coming here to learn more details; or you got an update that I published something new here on Millennial Mom and came to see what’s up. So, let’s get straight to business.

I have been blogging here on Millennial Mom for over two years now and have always known that I wanted MM to be much more than a blog. I wanted to somehow create opportunities for interaction with other moms and their children; new opportunities for families to experience some of the amazing things that my family has. So I have been thinking for sometime about where to start. I initially created a support group via Facebook in 2017 called Millennial Moms United but found it to be like pulling teeth getting moms to interact. I’ll one day continue building that support group but for now, I hope to build a network with like-minded mothers through my blog itself. Recently, I started debating whether or not to return to the working world after experiencing some financial setbacks. If I do, it will be one additional thing to juggle along with homeschooling Bree, maintaining my remote position, building my private practice, and simply finding time for my little family. I mentioned my thoughts to “mini me” and she commented “sometimes you have to think a little more mom”. She has always been against me working away from home and expressed her thoughts so eloquently in our recent conversation. She told me that she is “not interested in going back to old times” and “would rather us plan how to be more successful doing something we love and are good at”. I could not agree with her more! So we started brainstorming last Monday. We decided not to start something that would consume more time than what we currently have, and instead agreed to continue something that we are already doing. The change we made simply added marketing what we already do, to other moms and children for them to enjoy. We spent several days exchanging ideas, creating plans, and drafting documents. What we have come up with is truly special to me because of this project’s purpose and benefit. Having the chance to collaborate with my daughter is even more special to me. The brief planning process really showed me Bree’s skills and knowledge base. She reminded me that I too can learn from her.

So, our newest baby is called “Join B.L.T.“. With this project, I am offering students grades K-5 the opportunity to join Bree Learning with me, Tea as we Homeschool and Worldschool. SB: You may or may not know that my first name is Tanisha. So where does “Tea” come from you ask? Well, “Tea” is not only a reference to my nickname that is typically spelled T. But it also describes my desired approach to learning which encompasses relaxation, peace, pleasure, contentment, change, spiritual connection, and enlightenment. All of these things are what Tea actually signifies and they are in accord with our daily learning routine. We regularly start off our day with homemade ginger chai tea or black tea, followed by a meditation session for this reason. (We were recently gifted black tea infused with rose that I am unsure whether to brew or use as potpourri, but cant wait to try it). Now we hope to share our practices and love for natural and meaningful learning with someone new. “Join B.L.T.” will be offered in the U.S. in our home base areas (NYC and upstate NY) and wherever we travel starting this spring. We will launch this project internationally (offering families the opportunity to travel with us) starting in the Fall of 2019!

Here’s how Joining B.L.T. works:

First, a parent/student selects one of the following subjects to study during a learning session with me and Bree:

Math

Science

Writing

Reading

Social Studies

Music

Art

Physical education

Then, they select a date and time to join us. We will offer virtual learning sessions (via Skype, Facetime, and Whats App) to anyone interested in this opportunity, but who is outside of our area. Learning sessions are one hour each. Participants can learn with us for an hour or two, or three! We commit to learning Monday to Sunday, 365 days a year, at all hours that we are awake! We will offer this opportunity Monday to Sunday between the hours of 8am and 4pm.

The fee for one in-person basic learning session (no travel/field trip/guest teacher) is $40 which includes a healthy meal/snack (parents will be required to provide information regarding their child’s(ren’s) dietary restrictions and allergies). Virtual sessions are $30. We learn greatly through travel and field trips and will extend this opportunity to guest learners as well. Pricing for learning sessions on such days will vary.

*** As a special offer, the first 10 guest learners to join us will be able to learn with us for 2 hours, in two different subject areas, for $40.

And those are the details of our latest project!

I share this post with you partially for Bree and I to begin finding new guest learners to join us. We are super excited for our first registrant and have prepared such a fun curriculum that we will use. More importantly, I’m sharing our efforts to show how life often times requires us to get creative and follow our own paths; not what was outlined for us by societal standards and expectations. Does this mean that I will not return to the work world as Bree has begged and pleaded for me not to do? At present I cannot say but I am open to doing so to get back on track financially and until my dream for Millennial Mom flourishes to where I want it to be. If you read my previous post, you’ll understand my latest commitment to changing things in my life that are uncomfortable. My focus is on self-improvement, improving relationships, and improving my business. “Join B.L.T.” is just one way that I am making a change in my life. Sound like something you’re interested in for your child(ren)? You can signup here. Have questions? Read some FAQ below.

FAQ

Q: What is the purpose of this project?

A: To expose traditionally schooled children to alternative methods of learning; to provide my home-schooled child and others more social interaction; to aid parents who may need a break, want to fill in their child’s schedule with a new activity, or have a child who is struggling or lacking stimulation in a particular subject.

Q: What types of activities will guest learners be engaged in?

A: yoga, meditation, dance, cooking, horticulture, real life math, social muralism and painting, henna design, hiking, photography, fishing, cultural projects, and much much more.

Q: Who decides what guest learners study?

A: The guest learner in collaboration with myself and their parents as guides

Q: Where will in-person activities be hosted?

A: Location of activities will vary and we will provide a schedule of where we will be based monthly. If we are in your area, we can come to your home or meet at a meetup location which includes parks, markets, libraries, museums, etc.

Q: Do parents need to stay with their child for the duration of a learning session?

A: Yes, until both the parent and guest learner are comfortable in the relationship

Q: Are you a certified teacher?

A: No, I am a homeschooling parent and therapist by profession. I follow all guidelines outlined by New York State to homeschool my child and offer this opportunity as supplemental education not intended to replace other accepted methods of education.

Have further questions? Feel free to comment below or email me at tanishagray20@gmail.com