Judaism – Millennial Mom

For 5-years, you brought me flowers every chance you had. After our nuptials, it became routine on Fridays before sundown. On the day that I returned the gesture, your smiling face and warm hands were unable to receive them from me. Here I stay, carrying on without you with a broken heart. Ilya, I.L.Y.A., I’ll Love You Always, forever your wife 😢

It’s been 678 days since I last blogged! Life has been relentless… with trial after trial happening to, I mean for me. Maybe you know by now or maybe this write will carry some new news. Whatever the case, the last 477 days have been the most torturous and painful days of my existence.

12/24/2019 was the worst day of my life. On that morning, I answered a call that no wife should ever have to receive. “Ilya is dead! And so my journey of mourning commenced. My dearest love Ilya was found deceased on a street in NYC and no one had any answers. In efforts to not relive that moment again, I will refrain from describing it now. As I try to healthily work through the mountain of emotions that plague my mind daily, I’ll keep the details about my love’s death out of this piece and future writes until I’m better. What I will say is that my heart is shattered, the world has been so unkind, and I was pushed to find a new way to survive alone; without the one person who I believed to be my person… my soulmate, the man I would live out the rest of my days with. I guess the heavens said otherwise and here I stay trying to cope.

Unless you walk this walk of grieving the loss of a spouse, you could never fully understand it. It gets ugly, competitive, territorial, unempathetic; creates a feeling of doom for the people who live it and discomfort for those who watch. It becomes increasingly painful and downright lonely. As a griever, I felt that I was out of sight and out of mind for months. As Ilya’s wife, I felt that my grief was often measured and viewed to be not as bad as the parents or relatives. “But he was my son”, “but we knew him longer”, “but this is not your culture” “but your daughter is not his daughter”… just a few of the dismissive and insensitive comments that met me days into my grief journey. Forced to learn a culture I did not grow up in, without my dearest love to guide me; judged because of the color of my skin and my customs; excluded for reasons that were purely evil; embarrassed; humiliated; blamed; lied on… shall I go on? I could continue but the energy escapes me each time I recount the last year and half of my life. As the one living this new existence, it initially seemed that it was my burden to carry and no one else could fathom what I felt. Most people went back to their daily routines and old habits minutes after my love’s young but tired body was placed in the ground. My children and I were left stuck in a painful place in time where it felt like life was not worth living.

October of 2019… family photos at a beautiful home in the country when life seemed grand and our hearts were full. We had no clue what was about to shake our home in the holiday season of 2019 💔

I one day decided to find an improved and healthier way to grieve after my “mini me” said to me “mom please do something to feel better, I hate seeing you like this.” Her voice triggered something within me and maternal instinct helped me realize that my pain was harming my children. I knew that I had to save myself and my children because no one was coming to be our savior. The one person that consistently gave us unwavering love and protection was now gone. Today I find myself in a new and unfamiliar place. I am vulnerable and learning this version of Tea now. Each day I dedicate small amounts of time to journal this journey as my story will one day be told in full detail. For now, it carries so much pain that I am only capable of blurbs and rambles. There is so much to share about losing my dearest love from receiving the news, to a messy police investigation, to the burial and religious process, to the COVID-19 impact on the investigation and grieving process, to family scandal, to the mass exodus of friends, to signs from Ilya; and the path to healing my soul with my children’s gentleness and love, and Ilya’s love and spiritual guidance from beyond the veil. I have compiled my thoughts, painful experiences, and letters into what will be a book published in 2022, titled Grief Games: A Widow’s Story of Pain & Abandonment (part 1 of a 5 part series). I have also shared my story via different platforms including Instagram (@amillennial_mom) connecting with people who can relate and those who sit in shock. My children, writing, meditation, faith, and social connection with new souls has been my saving grace during this time.

I never saw this day coming… the death of my love or the aftermath. After 477 days without my dearest love Ilya, his life, our life, this life makes so much more sense. Although I continue to grieve, I can say that I have pulled myself out of the darkest time in my life and continue to work daily to find the light. This will indeed be a process for the rest of my life and I will share my story to help at least one person through the process of surviving the death of a loved one. It is very clear to me now that many people fail to survive the grief journey for it is torturous, unpredictable, lonely, dark, and unending. In my case, I’m convinced that I have found strength to carry on with my love watching over and Hashem guiding the way. For I now see light (hope) at the end of this dark place and commit to waking up every day to finish this race. My pain and struggle are not in vain and my experience is for me and for someone else to learn and grow from. Even with a shattered heart, I am dedicated to doing what I have been called to do: bring healing to masses.

A beautiful gift that holds some beautiful memories… it is a designated place for our littles to write their feelings when they are ready. It will soon hold A’Bree’s first publication… *Dear Papa* 💜

I’m not sure what is to come next… in life, for this blog… anything. But I am working each day to just get through each moment. As I can and when I can, I will share more of our story. Until then, I commit to healing my soul so that I can heal my children, so that together we can spread an abundance of love and healing to the world; just like Papa would have wanted us to do. There are one too many hurt people hurting people these days and our life story and grief journey is symbolic of that. Stay tuned for the continuation of this series. Until next time….

Love & light to the world,

Tea

My darling husband and I celebrated one year of marriage on January 4th, 2019 and celebrated three years together as a couple on December 27th, 2018. In this time together we have learned a great deal about what married life really is. I can’t speak for my husband but I can definitely say that I had a few things twisted. I write to share some of my misconceptions and enlightenment here. I know I will have many more realizations in the future and will discover more than what I know now. I pray that these lessons prepare me to persevere through everything that comes along with marriage. Before I delve into what year one has been, I ask that my readers with the ability to keep it real weigh in, in the comments to share some tips and “laws to love by” with me. And if not, Becoming Michelle Obama can continue to be one of my guides to marital success🙏🏾.

Learning about the union of a couple I absolutely adore via this read here 🤗

Lesson 1

In 365 days, I came to realize how easy it can be for outside factors to impact a marriage; some of the biggest factors for us being work schedules and family expectations from relatives outside of our household. These two things weighed heavy on our relationship in year one and created a great deal of pressure that didn’t seem to exist before our marriage. I’m not 100% sure as to why this is but I think this added pressure is the result of a new perception that kinda surfaces after marriage. A perception that tells you that in every way, you and your spouse should always be moving in the same direction; should always be on the same page; and should always be working towards the same goal. And when this is not in fact the case, chaos can erupt. But the lesson that I learned as a resolve to this challenge is how to establish and maintain firm boundaries. Boundaries that take into account my husband and I as individuals and boundaries reached after compromise. As we moved through our first year of marriage we quickly learned the importance of partitioning different aspects of our life to keep our union safe from the input, distraction, and pressure of outside factors. However, creating boundaries for the protection and success of our marriage has not been an easy task. On days when things were chaotic, I just wanted to know that what we were experiencing would eventually be ok. This brings me to my next lesson learned…

Lesson 2

“Misery loves company” but won’t find the company it seeks if the issue at hand is marital trouble. I’m speaking from experience and I’ll elaborate on what I mean. First, let me be clear that this cliche saying does not hold the same meaning here. I was never a miserable wife wishing for the same for someone else. But when challenges would arise in my relationship and I was anxious or worried about what would be (my “misery”), I was seeking some support (the “company”); words from a peer… another wife or newlywed who experienced a similar struggle who could comfort and reassure me. However, such people were nearly impossible to find. What I did find was numbers of people who put on a front and the face of “we don’t have those problems” or any problems at all. People reluctant to discuss the struggles of their own relationships/marriages and people more interested in portraying marriage as “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day (y’all are my inspiration 🙄 NOT). So I found that when going through the trenches, I would not always be so lucky to find support outside of my marriage. Instead, my husband and I had to be that support to one another, work through things we were not happy with, and make the most of life’s lemons which brings me to…

Lesson Three

Live like married life is “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day 😂. Notice I say live here rather than portray, as I did in the previous paragraph where I referenced the perfect marriage pretenders. With lesson three, I’m not saying that I mastered how to be deceitful or an actress when it came to sharing the reality of my marriage. However, I learned to be mindful of all the cute and joy sparking things in my marriage to get through the tough days (can you tell I’ve been watching Marie Kondo in Tidying Up ???). Like on the days when my husband picked up overtime after our baby arrived and I was working from home, trying to prepare dinner, and finish homeschool assignments. I taught myself to remember things like the week prior when he left work early and arrived home with takeout and flowers just because. It was the practice of routinely remembering these sweet and loving gestures that steered rough days in a better direction; and kept me from booting my husband in the head upon his arrival at home whenever he stayed late at work (I love and hate overtime lol). And maybe I had a few things twisted when it came to marital support. Maybe my expectation of finding a supportive peer was unrealistic. However, it’s something that I believe we all need to get through life. The words and encouragement of someone living a similar journey, to remind you that you are not alone. I made it through year one of marriage without much of this kind of support (except for the unwavering support of my mother whom I owe my life) but repeatedly asked God for it. In the midst of seeking support I also said that part of my purpose would be to be one to someone else. So here I am writing. And 10 days into the new year, I found my support… something and someone truly amazing. I’ll share more about what and who I found in a future post but God definitely sends angels and is always right on time. Now on to…

Lesson 4

One of the most important things that I grasped in year one of married life is for hubby and I to be our own inspiration. After learning lessons two and three, I realized that I could easily be misled if I was always seeking “company” and testimony from my peers about their marital life and struggles. Or even looking to social media questioning if picture perfect families ever had bad days. So instead, I regularly reminded myself of my vows (you can read them here: A Promise to My Dearest Love), my relationship goals, and the reason why my husband and I came together as one to begin with. Our story is so unique (you can learn more about it by reading our intro Getting To Know Us) and we need to continue to write it to be just that without replicating what other people have done or are doing. In the act of writing our story, regular communication, planning, and review is necessary; planning of where we hope to be and review of the strides we are actually making.

Will It Be Forever?

With this new knowledge, I sometimes question will it be forever? Do we have what it takes to make it? I am unable to say with certainty especially because I do not know God’s plan for my life. However, with where I am today I hope for a forever fairytale with my hubby. And we can only get there by doing the work, one day at a time. I am happy and grateful for my first year of marriage which has better equipped me to journey towards year two. So much has changed for my husband and I since day one but the two things that have remained the same are our love for each other and dedication to our relationship. We have faced some unique challenges that most newlyweds typically don’t experience. However, we survived 1,120 days together including year one as husband and wife, despite the trials we have faced. I’ll one day be ready to share in detail more about our struggles but for now that’s not what’s important… how we have conquered our troubles is. I pray that we strengthen our union as we work towards forever.

I hope someone enjoyed reading this post and was inspired by at least one thing shared here. Remember to drop a line in the comments section whether it be a tip, question, or emoji. I plan to share more about my life as Mrs. Paka in the near future so stay tuned. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Category: Judaism

My Dearest Love Ilya (Pt. I)💔

Will It Be Forever?: 4 unique lessons that year one of marriage taught me