Category: life coach

In a matter of 18-months, I mastered how to move through the New York Family Court system initially by using my knowledge as a layperson. I found myself involved there not by choice, but after it was alleged by “parent B” that I kept our daughter away from him for several years. “Parent B” was fighting against me for custody and the right to visits until custody was decided. Obviously the courts were unaware of our history and all the rights and visits that I had afforded “parent B” prior to him petitioning them. I understood that it would be my responsibility to inform the court of our background during a trial however, I was unaware of the treacherous battle that was ahead of me. Nor was I familiar with the politics in family court but boy did I learn very quickly. And for a time period that I found to be way too long, I was before a court telling my truth. Although, it was one of thee most uncomfortable and nerve-wracking experiences in my life, I was determined to endure through it.  Especially after I was presented with the false allegations against me. After hearing the “alternative facts” that my daughter’s father entered into court documents, I was angry but ready to tell my story. And I vowed that I would do so based on the actual facts while remembering to keep my emotions out of the process. When questioned by the judge about my readiness to proceed in the case against me, I confidently responded “yes your honor”.  I was extremely afraid and uncertain of what would come next. But I was motivated knowing that I was going battle on behalf of my “mini me” for the years of chaos, abuse, and instability we endured with “parent B”.

Before things in my court case took off running, I had to learn the politics of the court system and come to terms with it. There were so many practices and procedures that I did not understand or agree with; many of which I found to make absolutely no sense. For instance, hearings would sometimes be scheduled for a particular date and time and on the day of proceedings things would last 10 -15 minutes before an adjournment was issued; only for me to arrive at the next appearance and experience the same thing. This for me was a nuisance especially since I was traveling from three hours away to be present for court in the county where “parent B” petitioned. Court days for me were a huge expense as I would have to miss work to travel and would lose out on my day’s pay of $240. I was responsible for paying our nanny to work extra hours so that she could look after Bree in my absence, and I had pay for gas and tolls in order to make my trip to the court. Initially things were doable but then my case started to drag out longer than I believed necessary. My employer then began to question my frequent need to request time off and I was very worried.  The financial aspect of my court battle was burdensome not to mention the ways in which my case impacted me mentally.  Things did not stop there and as I started to lose out on money in this process, I had to seek out assistance options available to people in my situation. Sadly, what I found was both mind-blowing and discouraging.

In efforts to better work through my case and address the hardship I was facing while attempting to attend court appearances, I started to look for programs that could aid or advise me. I found plenty of assistance in my neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York willing to offer me help. Unfortunately these programs could not serve me if my case was in another county.  So, I considered help in the county where my case was being heard but learned that there were no special programs like the ones I located in New York City. There also was no assistance in New York State for working mothers at certain income levels. After learning this, I was so discouraged but believed that an attorney could better assist me. However, after several consultations the expense to hire an attorney was far more than what I could afford. I was denied a court appointed attorney on the basis that I made “too much money” and none of my expenses as a single parent were even considered in this determination although I presented them.  I was not in receipt of any child support at the time, I lived in one of the most expensive cities in New York, I was being forced to travel and miss work on days that there were scheduled court appearances, and I was responsible for caring for myself and my daughter on solely one income. As much as these factors impacted me, they were not important to the court in determining my need. In this process of my case, I felt very lost and it appeared that there was no help for me.

In contrast to the hardship that I was facing, it seemed that “parent B” navigated the court system with such ease. Not based on any work that he had personally done but because he was afforded several resources due to his circumstances; resources that I do not believe he even appreciated. He was granted several legal aid attorneys on various occasions due to his income level. Not one, not two, but three court appointed attorneys who he disrespected in court proceedings and then dismissed whenever he was unhappy. Many days I sat in the courtroom in shock about the circus “parent B” was able to create with very little consequences to follow. In addition, he was able to conveniently travel 10-minutes to the courthouse and lost very little in the process of our case. He was unemployed (by choice) and did not have a routine to support our daughter financially, pick-up her up from school, or pay her childcare/afterschool fees. All of these things were things I had managed for many years and court days made it even harder from me. It seemed to me that it would have been in the best interests of all three of us if our custody battle was fought in NYC where Bree and I lived. “Parent B” would still receive the same resources that he was granted in the county where he petitioned, if not more. In that event, I too would have had access to resources due to the increased number of legal aid programs available in NYC; and I would be able to continue carrying out my daily duties as a mom even on days that I had court. Such a change would cause me to lose less money. and I would only need to travel one hour by train to the courthouse; “parent B” would have needed to travel two.

After thinking things through, I entered a motion for a change of venue based on the fact that a change would better benefit everyone involved but sadly my request was denied. I did not understand the reason for the denial and again I found the politics of the family court to be troublesome. Had I been the individual weighing in on our case, I would have considered all the factors presented in my motion for a change of venue as I believed what I outlined to be very reasonable. My alternative option to transfer the case to NYC was one that I thought could better reach a resolution which considered myself, “parent B”, and Bree. However, decisions were made only in favor of “parent B” who I believe has been winning for many years and facing no consequences for his negative and irresponsible conduct. It was argued by one of his attorneys that he could not afford to travel to my jurisdiction for court proceedings due to financial hardship and it appeared that my hardship was meaningless. The court agreed with what “parent B” ‘s attorney argued and disregarded the fact that Bree and I lived in NYC for over three years. They also failed to consider the fact that “parent B” had just relocated back to the county after he had gone MIA for over three years. As upset as all of this made me and as much as I found it to be unfair, I was determined to keep pushing. There was no space for meltdowns or tantrums in the process of what I needed to get accomplished.

Overtime, my court process was beginning to anger me especially as I felt like no end was in sight. But then one day “parent B” failed to appear for trial day and the judge decided to dismiss the case. I was so relieved as I felt that I could return to work, make up for the money that I had lost during the months that my case dragged on, and overall put things behind me. However, after two short weeks I was notified again with another petition to repeat the court process. “Parent B” had re-petitioned the courts to fight for custody again and notified me that he would ultimately make my life hell. As much as I was frustrated and tired, in a way I admired “parent B” ‘s dedication. I simply did not understand why he failed to show these qualities in the years prior.  And with much stress and discouragement I proceeded to take on this journey again. After my experience from the first go around, I knew I had to secure an attorney as my efforts to accomplish things as a layperson in the previous proceedings were not enough. I worried that I would lose my job if I informed my employer that I was back in the court system and in need of days off, and believed that an attorney could help me with this issue. I knew that I was unable to pay the full-price of what an attorney cost so I reached out and bargained with different legal professionals.  I offered to do all of the leg work in my case in exchange of receiving a discounted rate. Luckily, I found an attorney who was willing to take on my case. After retaining her, I prepared a legal binder containing timelines of events from a journal I maintained over the years; text messages and emails from “parent B”, statements from teachers, family, and friends, police reports, reports from Child Protective Services, and records showing the lack of support we received from “parent B” over the years. The binder was like my storybook. It was a resource holding the details of my life story for a period of over six years. All of the documents were things that brought my story to life and sadly throughout my court case I was reliving the struggle and trauma I already suffered through. Fortunately, throughout my trial, I had the unwavering support of key figures in my life including my best friends, my aunt and uncle, my mother,  and my older sister.

Unfortunately, as the case dragged on I could no longer afford to pay my attorney per court appearance even at the discounted rate. I ultimately had to dismiss her although I felt that I would greatly benefit from having her. However, I had to use what I learned during previous hearings to make out the best I could on my own. During the time that my attorney and I worked together, I watched her very closely grasping as much as I could on how to present information to the court and how to address the judge, attorneys,  and “parent B”. I feared that I could very well lose my case based on my limited knowledge of law. However, I quickly pushed such negative thoughts out of my mind. Not knowing was not going to be the reason that I failed. All of the things that I did not know, I was going to find out…

Stay tuned for my next post: Navigating the Family Court System pt. II: achieving success as a self-taught lawyer.

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom