losing a spouse – Millennial Mom

My beloved Ilya, despite the fatigue I feel in my spirit and the pain that I feel in my heart, I will never stop fighting for you. #Justice4Ilya

By now the Millennial Mom community and friends near and far know of the tragic loss of my dearest love Ilya Pakanayev. December 24th, 2022 was the three year anniversary of Ilya’s death. Although I have hoped and believed that my pain would decrease with time, this year has felt extremely painful. It was likely worse than the pain that I felt on the morning that I received that shocking call and my mourning commenced. This is because I have spent much of 2022 in torment; battling what I wanted for myself and my family as it relates to the fight for Ilya, against the opinions of others. I made the decision in November of 2022 to bring light my late husband’s case for the sake of seeking justice and the full truth. I have traumatically relived the happenings of day one, lost hope in humanity learning new details about Ilya’s case, and I live in a state of confusion daily trying to navigate where to turn next. With many things so uncertain at this time in life, the only thing that I know with great certainty is that I will never stop in my fight for #Justice for Ilya.

From restaurant tables to bathroom stalls, everywhere I go, I’m sharing Ilya’s story. I’m grateful to supporters who have joined in this mission. Spreading awareness is our greatest hope at this time.

If you are unaware of Ilya’s story, in short, he left home on December 23rd, 2019 and never returned. He was traveling from our home in Monticello NY, to his parents in Forest Hills, Queens NY. It was the second night of Chanukah but Ilya never made it to his destination. He was ultimately found in the a.m. hours on Christmas eve, unconscious in a driveway in Southside Jamaica Queens. Upon receipt of a call providing only the details “Ilya’s dead”, I instantly knew that something was very wrong in Ilya’s case but genuinely trusted that authorities would figure it all out. As things stand today, I was naive and wrong in my beliefs. When I went to identify my love at the Queens Medical Examiner’s office, it was there that I learned that Ilya’s case was a criminal investigation.

Detectives later arrived to inform me of the strange happenings in Ilya’s case. I was told that my beautiful husband’s lifeless body was viewed via doorbell camera footage, being carried by two men and dumped in a residential driveway. According to detectives the men were identified and authorities were waiting to interview them. Our family was ultimately told that an investigation was underway and we would be provided updates as developments unfolded. Anxious and desperate for the truth, I called the police precinct persistently for updates hoping that new answers would come promptly, due to the early developments in the case. Week after week, from December of 2019 to March of 2020, when I reached out to the police department, I was told that the case was still moving forward. And then COVID-19 hit and the world went mad. Ilya’s case was passed through different investigative divisions within the NYPD and to the hands/desks of different professionals. Around his birthday in May of 2020, I called the police precinct only to learn that his case had been “closed months ago”. My heart sank and my mind went blank. What came next was more indicators that there was more to Ilya’s case than I had initially thought. This discovery led me down a very dark and lonely road, trying to raise my children while my mind played out traumatic scenarios day after day. I attempted to ignore my grief and in doing so I developed what is known as prolonged bereavement. Ilya’s story has caused me to experience PTSD symptoms. With all of this I have still found the will to go on. Now when people ask how my only answer is “by the grace of G_d”.

Your love and beautiful soul has left my life forever changed. It taught me many lessons including ones about life in general and how to love myself first.

I have found it necessary to take two plus years to process my pain; a task which looks different everyday and a process that will continue for the rest of my life. Through this journey I had to discover my own healing regimen in efforts to best cope with my new reality. This had to be a top priority before I could dedicate myself to fighting for justice for Ilya in a healthy way. In November after feeling tired, disappointed, angry, and desperate for answers, I sprang into action, launching a social media campaign to bring awareness to Ilya’s case. It was 12 long weeks of foot work, completing a long list of responsibilities every single day. New discoveries that came to light during this time were eye opening and disheartening at the same time. And although I believe that I made new strides unlike I had ever made in the past, the words, attitudes, violation of my family’s privacy and wishes, and a complete lack of concern for humanity were more in my face than ever before as I was pursuing this fight, relying on social media. In a situation such as my own, the coldness of the world was too hard to ignore.

Ilya’s resting place in Wellwood Cemetery

Where things stand today, my heart is broken and the hope that I have for humanity dwindles every day. It is thanks to the earthly angels who walk with me through this life and the divine, that I find more strength to keep on in this mission; especially on the days when I am truly ready to give up. I am grateful for the advances that I was able to make at the start of this campaign, with the support of friends, family, and new supporters via our GoFundMe dedicated to raising money for a private investigator and an independent medical examiner. I am thankful to News12 reporter Blaise Gomez for covering Ilya’s story and bringing light to the injustices in his case. And lastly, I am thankful for everyone who has checked on me and supported me through this very painful process. At present, I have strayed away from social media as a tool in this fight. Maybe in the future I will return there. For now I have realized the importance of finding another way. I have been writing for grants to help families like my own, continuing outreach efforts with the team that has joined me in doing so, and relying on my more intimate communities for support. More than ever before I need to redefine and redesign a tribe. Through this pain ridden movement I learned who my tribe truly is.

As always, I wanted to share my truth here to reach anyone who can relate to my pain. I also turn here with hopes that anyone who wishes to connect with me, will reach me. Maybe you’re a widow or a widower too; maybe you’ve suffered a tragic loss; maybe in some area of your life you’ve lost hope; or maybe you’ve realized that your tribe needs some redesigning and through my story you’re reminded that it’s a reality for not only you. Whatever the case, you are not alone and I live to be a resource and supporter to people like us. If you’re reading this today and are drawn to support the #Justice4Ilya campaign, here is how you can help:

1. Donate to and or share our GoFundMe link

2. Participate in outreach efforts by emailing info@justice4iLyaPaka.org to receive info cards via mail that you can distribute in your community

3. Join an upcoming call to assist with sourcing grants or to help brainstorm other ways to reach our goals (email above contact for details)

4. Follow us on Instagram @Just4iLyaPaka

*** These are the ways in which I am currently asking for support in this mission to get answers in Ilya’s mysterious death. I ask that any other effort be discussed with me prior, due to the nature and sensitivity of our situation.

I hope that this write reaches the eyes and hearts of whomever it needs to reach. Sending love and positive energy to my Millennial Mom supporters all over the world and I ask that you keep my family in thoughts and prayers in a similar way. Stay tuned for my next writes including one titled:

My Prayer for All of the Forgotten Ones

There is so much new content waiting to be published here and through my continued dedication to writing, I show my followers who turn to this blog for inspiration and hope that you are never forgotten. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

For 5-years, you brought me flowers every chance you had. After our nuptials, it became routine on Fridays before sundown. On the day that I returned the gesture, your smiling face and warm hands were unable to receive them from me. Here I stay, carrying on without you with a broken heart. Ilya, I.L.Y.A., I’ll Love You Always, forever your wife 😢

It’s been 678 days since I last blogged! Life has been relentless… with trial after trial happening to, I mean for me. Maybe you know by now or maybe this write will carry some new news. Whatever the case, the last 477 days have been the most torturous and painful days of my existence.

12/24/2019 was the worst day of my life. On that morning, I answered a call that no wife should ever have to receive. “Ilya is dead! And so my journey of mourning commenced. My dearest love Ilya was found deceased on a street in NYC and no one had any answers. In efforts to not relive that moment again, I will refrain from describing it now. As I try to healthily work through the mountain of emotions that plague my mind daily, I’ll keep the details about my love’s death out of this piece and future writes until I’m better. What I will say is that my heart is shattered, the world has been so unkind, and I was pushed to find a new way to survive alone; without the one person who I believed to be my person… my soulmate, the man I would live out the rest of my days with. I guess the heavens said otherwise and here I stay trying to cope.

Unless you walk this walk of grieving the loss of a spouse, you could never fully understand it. It gets ugly, competitive, territorial, unempathetic; creates a feeling of doom for the people who live it and discomfort for those who watch. It becomes increasingly painful and downright lonely. As a griever, I felt that I was out of sight and out of mind for months. As Ilya’s wife, I felt that my grief was often measured and viewed to be not as bad as the parents or relatives. “But he was my son”, “but we knew him longer”, “but this is not your culture” “but your daughter is not his daughter”… just a few of the dismissive and insensitive comments that met me days into my grief journey. Forced to learn a culture I did not grow up in, without my dearest love to guide me; judged because of the color of my skin and my customs; excluded for reasons that were purely evil; embarrassed; humiliated; blamed; lied on… shall I go on? I could continue but the energy escapes me each time I recount the last year and half of my life. As the one living this new existence, it initially seemed that it was my burden to carry and no one else could fathom what I felt. Most people went back to their daily routines and old habits minutes after my love’s young but tired body was placed in the ground. My children and I were left stuck in a painful place in time where it felt like life was not worth living.

October of 2019… family photos at a beautiful home in the country when life seemed grand and our hearts were full. We had no clue what was about to shake our home in the holiday season of 2019 💔

I one day decided to find an improved and healthier way to grieve after my “mini me” said to me “mom please do something to feel better, I hate seeing you like this.” Her voice triggered something within me and maternal instinct helped me realize that my pain was harming my children. I knew that I had to save myself and my children because no one was coming to be our savior. The one person that consistently gave us unwavering love and protection was now gone. Today I find myself in a new and unfamiliar place. I am vulnerable and learning this version of Tea now. Each day I dedicate small amounts of time to journal this journey as my story will one day be told in full detail. For now, it carries so much pain that I am only capable of blurbs and rambles. There is so much to share about losing my dearest love from receiving the news, to a messy police investigation, to the burial and religious process, to the COVID-19 impact on the investigation and grieving process, to family scandal, to the mass exodus of friends, to signs from Ilya; and the path to healing my soul with my children’s gentleness and love, and Ilya’s love and spiritual guidance from beyond the veil. I have compiled my thoughts, painful experiences, and letters into what will be a book published in 2022, titled Grief Games: A Widow’s Story of Pain & Abandonment (part 1 of a 5 part series). I have also shared my story via different platforms including Instagram (@amillennial_mom) connecting with people who can relate and those who sit in shock. My children, writing, meditation, faith, and social connection with new souls has been my saving grace during this time.

I never saw this day coming… the death of my love or the aftermath. After 477 days without my dearest love Ilya, his life, our life, this life makes so much more sense. Although I continue to grieve, I can say that I have pulled myself out of the darkest time in my life and continue to work daily to find the light. This will indeed be a process for the rest of my life and I will share my story to help at least one person through the process of surviving the death of a loved one. It is very clear to me now that many people fail to survive the grief journey for it is torturous, unpredictable, lonely, dark, and unending. In my case, I’m convinced that I have found strength to carry on with my love watching over and Hashem guiding the way. For I now see light (hope) at the end of this dark place and commit to waking up every day to finish this race. My pain and struggle are not in vain and my experience is for me and for someone else to learn and grow from. Even with a shattered heart, I am dedicated to doing what I have been called to do: bring healing to masses.

A beautiful gift that holds some beautiful memories… it is a designated place for our littles to write their feelings when they are ready. It will soon hold A’Bree’s first publication… *Dear Papa* 💜

I’m not sure what is to come next… in life, for this blog… anything. But I am working each day to just get through each moment. As I can and when I can, I will share more of our story. Until then, I commit to healing my soul so that I can heal my children, so that together we can spread an abundance of love and healing to the world; just like Papa would have wanted us to do. There are one too many hurt people hurting people these days and our life story and grief journey is symbolic of that. Stay tuned for the continuation of this series. Until next time….

Love & light to the world,

Tea

Category: losing a spouse

Justice for Ilya: A Disheartening Fight for Truth

My Dearest Love Ilya (Pt. I)💔