Mommy Life – Page 3 – Millennial Mom

Co-Parenting with the “Conflictual”: now you see me… now you don’t

As a full-time mama, disappearing somewhere as I felt the need was never something that crossed my mind. Nor would it ever be something I could successfully pull off if I ever even thought of doing such a thing. “Mommying” for me has always meant being dedicated to my little one and balancing all other aspects of my life around this role. For years I have described my daughter and I as a duo; a two-for-one special. I have always told others that I do not come alone and I am instead a packaged deal. In whatever I do in life, my daughter is always included. She is the reason for all that I do and she is always my central focus. Even before becoming a mama, and while bonding with my baby as she was growing in my belly, this was my mindset. The positive feelings that I felt about my daughter before even meeting her and the joy I felt about assuming a parenting role, caused me to naively believed that all parents (mothers and fathers) felt this way. Unfortunately, it was not until after having my daughter and separating from her father (“parent B”) that I realized this was a false perception. Making efforts to co-parent with “parent B” often assumed much of my time and energy as I was clearly the parent who made Bree the center of my world while “parent B” had another agenda. It was when Bree and I began going through the motions of “now you see me… now you don’t” with “parent B” that I realized that not every parent places their child(ren) as a top priority.

This picture truly symbolizes the bond that Bree and I share… she has always been my strength whenever I was in a challenging position… practicing flexibility together, Spring 2015.

For approximately four years, I tolerated the frequent disappearances and instability of “parent B”. It was always as if he was wanting for us to chase him. At times he could be located and other times no… playing this game of “now you see me… now you don’t”. I had already begun to accept the role of single-parenting and worked hard not to let the actions of “parent B” impact what I needed to do. However, I cannot say that his actions did not puzzle me. When offered visits with our daughter, he would accept them sporadically. Although he knew that telephone calls were the one way to consistently maintain contact with our daughter, he failed to call or keep a working number. His address frequently changed and sometimes, for months at a time his whereabouts were unknown. And then like magic, he would appear again with a new phone number and residence, ready to parent again. Being the person I am, I always allowed for him to pick-up where he left off whenever he would disappear and return into our lives again. I was supportive of his efforts to have a father-daughter relationship with Bree and would not keep that from him. I continued to allow my parents to assist with the arrangements of visits to remain out of the equation and to protect myself from any harassment. Sadly, whenever I believed things were progressing I was surprised by another disappearance. The pattern continued for some time and overtime I became familiar with it. It was something I did not understand but I was happy to know that it did not hinder me from my “Mommying” tasks. My “mini me” was well taken care of and appeared to be thriving well in a my care. I accepted “parent B”, his instability, and limited effort to signify the fact that parenting was not a priority for him. And with that understanding I carried on with my life until “parent B”one day reappeared and this time with demands and expectations that I found unreasonable.

The smile of a very happy child. During a time when I was working overtime to try and fill the voids in her life… Winter, 2015.

Although “parent B” failed to show any consistency or concern for the life of our daughter for several months, he one day contacted me interested in resuming visits and picking up where he had fell off before. I was again open to being the giver of chance number I -cannot-count. However, things in my life had changed; Bree and I had relocated to another city, Bree had enrolled in a new school, and resuming visits with “parent B” that were once easy and convenient for him would now require more of his effort. Now like many human-beings who find themselves in a position of discomfort, “parent B” began to complain and wreak havoc. I in-turn was met with questions about why I relocated from the country to the city; why I enrolled Bree in a school in a particular neighborhood; why I left Bree in the care of a nanny while I worked; why I worked in a correctional facility, in addition to a number of other questions. I found all the questions to be reasonable coming from a father but unreasonable coming from a father who selectively chose when he wished to be involved. I questioned where he was in the process of my parenting; where his financial support had been when I was considering schooling and childcare options; and altogether asked when he had ever been a dependable parent making efforts to give my “mini me” the best life possible. Of course I was met with excuses and no real answers. However, I really wasn’t in need of answers as I posed questions I had already had the answers to. I did not need details or specifics, all I knew is that my baby girl was not the center of “parent B” ‘s world. It was for this reason that I respectfully told “parent B” that he could not present after a multiple year hiatus, spent playing “now you see me… now you don’t”, to begin dictating what he did and did not like about the life I created for Bree. And with great disagreement and upset, “parent B” made it clear that “I was going to pay”. In his words, I had taken his daughter away from him and would be punished for my actions.

Little did I know that paying meant that I would spend eighteen months in the family court system fighting to tell my story; and fighting to get support as a single mother who had been dealing with the negative actions of the “conflictual” parent for far too long. It was a roller coaster ride that I definitely wasn’t prepared for.

I always find comfort cuddling next to her… being silly in our tent at Promise Land State Park, Summer 2015.

Stay tuned for my coming series: Navigating the family court system: “yes your honor”

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Co-Parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent: prioritizing paternal power over parenting

Successfully co-parenting with my daughter’s father (“parent B”) was my number one goal both while I was with him and after I made the decision to leave him. In fact, failing at this goal was one of my number one fears; so much so that it kept me in an abusive relationship longer than I should have been. I often felt pressured to stay and endure the maltreatment so that my “mini me” would have both parents until I one day realized that I would be making such a life possible for her at a great cost. I would be risking the emotional well-being and safety of myself and my child. But how could I be a great mother or be able to effectively co-parent if at the end of my day, I was not well? The reality is I could never! So with this enlightenment I also realized it was time to leave my relationship and eventually I did. Following the separation, I made it clear to “parent B” and people who questioned why I “catered” to him, that despite our failure in a romantic relationship I hoped for us to be the best parents possible to Bree. I made great efforts to be sure that this could happen until I understood that such a dream was only my own. Although, this goal is one that I believe should have been shared between myself and “parent B”, it became one that was solely burdensome and stressful to me; particularly working to get “parent B”and I on the same page. I was attempting to co-parent with a person who valued using his paternal power to puppeteer my life; someone who cared more about his control over me rather than making efforts to successfully parent. Such values made co-parenting nearly impossible.

The little face that has always been my motivation, Winter 2009.

After moving out of a shared apartment and living separately from “parent B”, I was grateful to have escaped the abuse and control I once endured. I couldn’t have been happier to be free from the physical and verbal abuse, drug use, control, threats, and instability. Such a life transformed me into a submissive and fearful person where I was sad and depressed more days than not. After I realized how much I lost myself and during times where I thought about the example I hoped to set for my daughter, moving forward to become happy and emotionally stronger again became another one of my priorities. In efforts to do so, I sought the help of a counselor to talk through my issues, spent my free-time in the gym, focused on a healthier diet, and found hope in my spirituality. I had the unwavering support of my aunt Ramona and uncle Terry who have always been more like my parents, in addition to the full support of my mother and older sister. Evading the chaos in my life was initially challenging but once I was out of it, things seemed to be looking up for “mini me” and I.

Finding comfort in my sister’s home along with kisses from my angel during trying times, Summer 2010.

Despite my history of abuse and hardship in my relationship, I was hopeful for a better future for myself and Bree; one that I envisioned with “parent B” involved. The optimist in me caused me to believe that things would be just fine. I was encouraged that life would be better and conflict would subdue being that I was out of the daily sights and interactions of “parent B”. I continued to have faith that “parent B” and I could be even better parents to my “mini me” if the stress of maintaining a romantic relationship was eliminated. My faith influenced my efforts to always assure that my daughter was connected with her father. I would transport Bree to visits whenever “parent B” asked and arranged phone dates for them regularly although Bree could barely speak. I would plan weekend outings to do as a family and attempted to include “parent B” in all aspects of my “mini me”‘s life. Sadly, visits and phone interactions exposed me to continued abuse. I was regularly questioned about if/who I was dating and threatened that I would be harmed if seen out in public with another man. I was denied financial support for Bree and told that I would receive it only if I returned back “home”. Visits were often cut short if I used my phone or was suspected of speaking to a romantic interest; things I was entitled to do as a single woman. In such instances, I would be quickly loading my baby and her belongings in the car while being berated, and then off on my way traveling 40 minutes to get back home to my parents. It seemed that all of my efforts to successfully co-parent were in vain. I endured this negative experience for some time until I was finally done.

A happy mother equals a happy child… back then and even now, we have always found our happy place outdoors, Summer 2011.

After it was clear that I would no longer place myself and little one in unsafe/uncomfortable predicaments for the sake of visiting time with “parent B”, I sought the help of my parents to assist with visits. Although my efforts at co-parenting failed, I continued to value the goal of helping Bree maintain a relationship with her father. I believed that I could now assist in doing so by removing myself from the situation. However, removing myself from the equation helped very little and seemed to cultivate more conflict. For another year or so I was met with morning calls and texts where I was threatened and degraded. I faced several incidents where my daughter was taken for visits, not returned, and used as bait in efforts to scare me. Authorities would be called to serve as mediators to help get my baby back home and when she did return , I was left afraid to allow her on future visits. The conflict I experienced in efforts to co-parent made life challenging and caused me to question if it was even worth it. I understood that I again put myself in a position to create a life that could happen but at a great cost.

“Mommying” = making things happen despite the chaos! One of our favorite things.. princess brunches and birthdays.

After a short time, it became more and more evident that the goal of co-parenting to meet the best interests of my “mini me” was something that only I found important in my parenting duo. Getting myself and “parent B” on the same page seemed nearly impossible and was not going to happen at that time. So I decided to rethink my goals and values as a mother considering what I could and wanted to do. I could only ensure that I was the best mother I was able to be and could not force my dreams or ideals on anyone else. I learned that co-parenting could only happen with two agreeable parents and sadly I was not in that place with “parent B”. I moved forward with my goal of giving Bree the best life, making sure that she was my number one priority, and ensuring that she was happy and well cared for. I left space and opportunity for “parent B” to come around at his own pace. Sadly, it seemed that the door to such a future closed after he disappeared for some time. I then started wrapping my mind around the idea of successfully single-parenting. The issues of power and control were gone from my life but like hurdles, new problems presented.

Stay tuned for pt. II of Co-parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent: now you see me… now you don’t. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Our Route to Happiness (pt. III): the trial travel run

Before rearranging life for my “mini me” and I to set out and travel the way we dreamed of, I had to first be sure that it was a challenge we were up for. I did not want to make major changes to later find that we were not ready or to realize that extended travel wasn’t really what we wanted. I faced great criticism and skepticism from others when I posed my idea of possibly traveling full-time and homeschooling, which made me question things once or twice. I was often asked “how do you know Bree will adjust well? or ” What if she doesn’t like it? And other times people flat out told me “you’re crazy”. With the majority of the responses I received, I felt that most people around me were so closed-minded and did not understand what I was trying to do. Nor did they consider the stressful years Bree and I endured together and the fact that we needed a break. The biggest concern posed to me was how I could live the life of a traveler with a child. However, that did not discourage me and instead motivated me to find the answer to the question. What would I do to successfully take on this new lifestyle with my child? My top priority was making the right choice for Bree based on my research and facts rather than on unsubstantiated fear. I was bound to do so despite what others thought and said. I would be sure that we found the happiness we were desperately in search of. From what Bree and I discussed, it was likely that travel could provide us what we were looking for… if we were ready for such a change. People who know me well like my best friends and my older sister told me things like “go for it, you’ll never know how ready you are unless you try”. So I planned on organizing a trial travel run to see just how ready we were.
Around December of 2015, my childhood friend Nicole extended an invite for Bree and I to join her overseas. I had shared my interest in exposing Bree to travel with Nicole and it was perfect timing when she offered for us to vacation with her. Nicole was traveling through Southeast Asia at the time and is a friend who has done a great deal of traveling herself. I was ecstatic that I would have the opportunity to wander with her and spend the time away with my little one. Bree and I would be traveling from New York City alone ,on a long flight and spending two weeks away. Initially it sounded scary but we were down to make it happen. And in February of 2016, we were off to the Philippines on Bree’s first international trip; we were off on our trial travel run.

Leaving Manila… ready to explore the other places in the Philippines.

After 20 plus hours of travel we finally arrived in the city of Manila. Upon our arrival we saw many things that came as a shock to us; including the young children roaming around barefoot and poorly clothes without a guardian close by. I perceived the city to be an impoverished one and I knew Bree’s mind was in great thought too based on the questions she posed. In instances such as this one and throughout our travels, I took what we saw as opportunities to educate Bree. I aimed to prepare her for things we could possibly encounter during our journey. I also took the the time to remind her that people all around the world are different and live differently . I wanted her to always strive to be open-minded to such differences despite what she observed and initially perceived. After such chats, Bree seemed less and less shocked by things that we witnessed throughout our trip and was much more understanding. She settled in so easily and everything to her was just irie (pleasing). Things at the beginning of the trip were off to a good start and headed in the direction that I had hoped for. From Manila we ventured off to places such as Puerto Princessa and El Nido, Palawan Islands; places that I can quickly describe as tranquil and breathtaking.

Our trip was one where we took the time to absorb all the beautiful things around us. Instead of hopping in a car or taxi as we usually did at home, we were chauffeured around in Tuk-Tuks (carriage like vehicles carried by motorbikes). Our accommodations were very basic and affordable. We stayed in places surrounded by nature and in places close to the beach with beautiful views. We even had the chance to stay in a man-made tree house, creatively designed with bamboo and sea shell decor. These places were not the luxurious hotels that we familiar with from other family vacations but somehow we appreciated them much more. I guess because the simplicity of these places void of fancy electronics and services allowed my “mini me”and I to relax with great company. They allowed us to truly enjoy time and conversations together without any distractions; they exposed us to environments where we could explore nature around us that we typically did not see at home; and proved to us that we could do with less and actually be happy about it. What we were experiencing taught me a lot about myself and about the life that I was practically killing myself to give us back home in NY. As our trip in the Philippines progressed, what I witnessed from my “mini me” taught me so much more!

Beautiful blue waters and skies in the Palawan Islands (picture by me), February 2016

Entry to our tree house at Bamboo Nest, in Puerto Princessa.

img_3297-1 — Evening view from our hostel balcony, El Nido.

Over the course of our two weeks away in the Philippines, I realized that Bree was the happiest I had seen her in a very long time. Not that she had ever presented to me as a saddened child, but on our journey she was simply glowing; running freely, asking tons of questions, requiring very little, and openly embracing a place very different from home. All of this was a refreshing sight for me. Although I understood how children can easily adapt to new environments, I also knew that such an adjustment can present as a challenge when a new setting is very different from a child’s normal environment. This was the case for me when I spent my summers living abroad in Jamaica between the ages of 7 and 10. At first I had great trouble adjusting and was sometimes in distress missing the things I was used to. Over time I became more comfortable with the things that were initially foreign to me and overall such experiences were some of the greatest that my mother could have ever afforded me. I saw something completely different in Bree however when I assessed her adjustment to her first trip away and everything that I witnessed made me proud.

On her first trip away, A’Bree did not show one sign of unhappiness or poor adjustment to being far away from home, friends, or loved ones. In every activity we participated in, even ones that were new to her or ones that made her afraid (swimming in the ocean and walking among crabs on the beach) she was brave and conquered her fears in instances when she was not. She was fine being vulnerable in situations where she was the new girl who did not speak the language, playing with the locals on the beach; and comfortable being the little brown girl who drew tons of stares and countless numbers of people playing with her braided and beaded hair. She was so joyful and just looking at her I could tell that she felt free. She was delighted to roam around barefoot when she could like the children she saw upon our arrival in Manila, happy to swing in a hammock or fishing net for hours at a time, and so content to simply be in my presence doing some very fun and novel things. She was without television and electronics and our fun entailed made up games, being beach bums searching for sea shells, outdoor play, and exploration. Everything I saw in my daughter was enlightening and gave me hope. Many of her strengths, interests, and character traits came to light as a result of a temporary change in our change in environment. Bree did not appear to be missing her life at home, she was much happier with less, accepted all of the differences that came with visiting a foreign country, and she easily adjusted to such a long journey overseas. After seeing what I saw in her while abroad I knew I didn’t need to see much more. Her question of whether we could “do this forever” solidified things for me. Our trial travel run was over and I knew what we needed to do next. We conquered the test and it was evident that we were ready to plan for extended travel overseas.

My “mini me” swinging happily in a fishing net on the beach.

Belly Dancer silhouettes in the sunset, El Nido.

Beach bumming-it and exploring, photo credit: Ste Lane @northofthewall_

Searching the shore for sea shells, photo credit: Ste Lane @northofthewall_

Our last day in Puerto Princessa where this smile told me everything I needed to know!

Bree and I finished our journey in the Philippines on an even greater note than the one we started on. We were so refreshed and grateful for our experience; and thankful to our friends Nicole and Ste for showing us a wonderful time. We had something great to look forward to and would get busy planning when we arrived back home. I knew I had to get the ball rolling by saving, organizing schooling options, planning for what to do with our apartment/belongings, and discussing the plan with my family. It all sounded doable and I was motivated to do it all. I simply needed to plan and pace myself. However, there was one obstacle that gave me GREAT anxiety and that was facing the non-custodial parent who was bound to give me hell.

Now I promise there is no part IV in this series but I ask that you stay tuned for my next series: Co-parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent. In that series I will share much of the conflict I have experienced with my daughter’s father for the past 7 years, and in part discuss how it impacted my decisions and current journey. Until next time…

xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Our Road to Happiness (pt. II): planning a new route

After years of hard work and dedication to living out my “American Dream”, I grew to a different place mentally. Such growth yielded me to be in search of a life more fulfilling and different from what I am familiar with back home in the states. I realized that the “American Dream” allowed me to reach many of my goals and then this particular dream was not my dream anymore. Nor was it something as close to my heart as it previously had been. I was over working 50+ hours per week for a business that was not my own; tired of spending countless hours away from my little one; confused as to why I accepted dedicating the majority of my earnings to bills and debt; and frustrated with traveling for only one or two weeks out of the 52 weeks in the year to quickly return to work again. Such a routine was less of a dream for me and more of a nightmare. However, I was grateful to have been afforded the opportunity to advance my education, to work as a young professional in a managerial position in my field of study, and blessed to have been in a position to afford my “mini me” and I a comfortable lifestyle; opportunities not available to many people. So I embraced the ideal of the “American Dream” for some time and then accepted the fact that I had outgrown it. I then had my mind set on a new dream; a dream considered very much unorthodox in the minds of many; a dream easier to be embraced by people with a millennial mindset. And in November of 2014, I was on a new mission to make that dream my new reality. I was in pursuit of a new route to our happiness.

A paradise that I had the opportunity to experience while living in Bocas del Toro for one month. Photo by me, December 2016

In November of 2014, I remember siting in my office while my mind wandered elsewhere. I would have very much preferred to have been somewhere else. I was bored of my routine, tired, and barely surviving the cold winter climate in NYC. So to offer myself a little hope and excitement I googled tropical images and dazed at them. I then began researching places opposite the U.S. in terms of culture, food, language, warm climate, etc. Although I was fortunate to live in a city where I could easily get a taste of these things (minus the warm climate part as it was winter) in the diverse neighborhoods around me, I wanted to find a place where I could escape with “mini me” and be totally immersed in these things if I wanted to. A number of places that appealed to me immediately appeared in my search results. So I purchased a travel journal and began compiling a list. This project was something I was very excited about. Despite several of my co-workers thinking that I was nuts and in the stage of some sort of early adult-life crisis, I knew I was just fine and on to something great . As my list of places to wander grew, I knew I needed to narrow it down. I believed that I could better do so by creating a list of things I would hope to do and accomplish in the regions on my list; and then select places based on what stood out to me from my list. However, I knew I could not do this task on my own. I had to consult with none other than my life partner… my “mini me”.

Some of the best conversations I have had, have been with this little face in some very special places; including our picnic blanket in Flushing Meadows Park, in Queens, NY.

Bree and I began regular conversations about changing our lifestyle through travel. We were yearning for culture and were in desperate need of a break. But we were clueless about what exactly we wanted to do and how we would make it happen. Would we take longer vacations together during the year? spend the summer months away? or do the “unthinkable” and make traveling a full-time practice as a single mama-daughter duo? At that time, my then five-year-old said yes to all options… everything was a go for her. I on the other hand needed to guide us towards a more specific goal. To arrive at a better goal, together Bree and I started highlighting many of the things that we loved about our New York life and discussed things that we wanted to get away from. We then talked about what we hoped to find in other places. I also created a threefold question for us to quickly answer each night before bedtime which was “if I had one wish what would I ask for, what would I change, and how would I live my life afterwards if my wish came true”. This question was one Bree and I routinely discussed for about a week until my then five-year-old so maturely and articulately laid out her wish for me, and then it hit me!

Evening conversations before rocking my “mini me” to sleep looked a little something like this.

One evening during our nightly discussion Bree hopefully shared her threefold wish with me. Her wish was something along the lines of “if I had one wish, I would want to spend more time with you! I would wish for more money so you wouldn’t have to work a lot and I would make you a teacher so you could teach me… after that I would just be happy”. As emotional as I could ever be, I held my baby and reassured her with the words “no worries, I got you”. I was uncertain of exactly what I needed to do but it was a start. Bree and I moved on from discussing wishes to watching YouTube videos of places we wanted to visit. In each region , we talked about what we wanted to see and learn. Bree was very much fascinated with Egypt and wanted to learn about architecture, archaeology, and desert animals. She also talked about learning Spanish language. Surprisingly she noted as much as she loved Egypt, she was uncertain about visiting there for safety reasons. She reiterated this point to my good friend Cynthia during a comical car ride where we discussed wandering further. So I introduced Bree to my research findings on places in Central and South America. We were sold on places like Mexico, Costa Rica, Guatemala, and Peru; places where Bree could absorb information about diverse animal life, Maya and Inca cultures famous for great architecture (somewhat similar to the Egyptian culture), gold mining, and craftsmanship. And we would be able to be in the warmer climates we were craving. I began looking into homeschooling options to see if I also had what it took to teach Bree and explored different curriculums.

Things were looking really good and I was feeling very confident. This caused me to kick my research mode into overdrive. I learned the average cost of living in various countries in Central and South America. I then budgeted out the monthly expenses for Bree and I to explore in such regions. I looked up things such as food costs, accommodation, methods and cost of travel, schools, and fun things to do. Once I had an idea of what such an excursion would cost us, I was sold again! The cost for us to survive and explore overseas was significantly less than the massive expenses we held in the states. I decided that my salary from my part-time work position could be used to maintain any bills I had while traveling, and would begin saving a lump sum to be dedicated solely to our travel. After coming to this realization, I was beyond thrilled. Our new dream was looking more and more realistic. However, I had much more work to do; starting with a trial travel period to assess “mini me’s” potential to adjust to life overseas.

On a night where we realized changing our lives to fit our new dream was looking more promising!

Stay tuned for pt III of: Our Road to Happiness

Until next time…

xoxo

Millennial Mom

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

In October of 2016, my “mini me”, the love of my life, and I made a huge leap. We left behind our lives in New York City, packed our backpacks, and set out to travel South and Central America for seven months. Our journey away is not the typical travel/vacation that most people imagine. We have yet to stay in one place during our course of travel and much of our journey has been done on a budget. We have moved about five different countries thus far, living out of our backpacks, lodging in various types of accommodation from luxury apartments, to hotels, to hostels. It’s been an AMAZING journey to say the least. Traveling with a child based on our style of travel has been both a unique and challenging experience. All in all, our excursion was planned and executed to meet my baby girl’s dream of traveling and seeing more of the world. This journey is also very much related to my dream of traveling which I put on hold after I became a mother. Despite how different our experience has been from the lives we live at home and despite the challenges that come with the traveling lifestyle, I’d say it is well worth it. But before I share more about the challenges and the things that have made this nomadic journey so special, I must first share the reason why I gave up everything I owned, left my career of six years behind, withdrew my “mini me” from school, and hit the road. My story is one that I hope serves as an example that there is no one way to journey through this life; when a path presents a road block simply find an alternative way.

Whenever I share my current experience and new lifestyle with others (backpacking with a 7-year-old through 6 countries, home/worldschooling, and working from home), I am often met with responses showing that others are intrigued, fascinated, inspired, and eager to know more. I am also frequently met with critical questions such as “why would you leave such a great career and life to wander? weren’t you scared? what will you do when it’s all over?; questions that I find somewhat realistic and very much in touch with how I believe most mothers, working professionals, and Americans feel. However, I would not consider myself your typical mother, would argue that I am different from the average working professional, and believe I am someone difficult to compare to the average American. To answer the questions often posed to me as a traveling and homeschooling mom, I gave up my career, lifestyle, and everything I owned for several reasons. Before I share my reasoning for such a change, it is important to note that everything I did came after careful planning, weighing of pros and cons, years of trying various options, and brainstorming of how I could do better for my daughter and myself. During a time when I was a single mother with limited help to provide for my daughter, I realized that I had to find a better way to maintain our household without depending on my family or the “system” to do so. For several years, I tried different options that impacted my daughter and I negatively. The reality is after such trial and error, we were tired. We faced more than enough hardship and challenges throughout our years together, and were ready to throw in the towel. We were sad, bored, and in many ways desperate. In addition to wanting to meet all of our needs and give us better, I was desperately seeking genuine happiness for my little girl and myself; the happiness that I seemed to have forgotten about in my normal life while being overwhelmed with school and work.

Since 2010, my “mini me” and I have had a lot on our plates. We have been pushing every day to stay above water in several aspects of our lives. In 2010, I was in the process of completing a Master’s degree in Forensic Psychology and spent many days away from my little one. I was commuting from upstate New York to New York City for classes at John Jay College. This was my routine three days per week for one year. I would leave home at 5:30 am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and return home after 6:00 pm. On the days that I did not attend classes, I was putting in hours at two internships, completing course work, hitting the gym, doing freelance work to maintain an income, and spending time with my daughter. It was no easy task but I always hustled with the belief that we would one day rise above our hardship. Sadly, my demanding commute and the repeated harassment I experienced from my daughter’s father often times made me feel like I was sinking. However, no matter how bad or tired I felt, I never gave up. I simply made changes in my life as needed. I was determined to be successful to give my “mini me” and I a better life and would do so by any means necessary. One of those means was leaving my baby in the care of my parents (my mother and step-father) for 1.5 years to go into what I call hiding; and to complete my degree with less distractions.

baby-girl-and-i Through it all, I maintained a smile…finding hope in the eyes of my “mini me”

In June of 2011, I relocated from my hometown in Monticello, New York, back to New York City where only my close friends and family knew where to find me. Living in my hometown, I was subjected to threats and harassment from my child’s father after I made the decision to leave him. I did not wish for such factors to hinder me from completing my degree and I wanted to remain safe. During my time in New York I was focused more on finishing my degree and began building a new life for my daughter and I. The two years that I spent finishing my degree were yet more sad and overwhelming times for me. I woke up alone daily, went to school for long hours or worked full-days, and went to bed the same way I awoke. Many nights I cried as I missed my daughter and although I tried to be optimistic, sometimes I did not believe some of the positive affirmations that I told myself. On weekends I traveled to the Catskills from my place of hiding to be with my family and returned home at the end of the weekend. This helped me feel less lonely and less guilty about being away from my daughter. The constant commuting was again no easy task but thankfully the day did finally come where we rose above and moved on from this stage in our lives. I graduated college with honors and completed my degree in Forensic Mental Health. I arranged for my baby girl to move down to NYC into our new and cozy apartment, and enrolled her in pre-school. Following my graduation, I was successful in landing my dream job providing therapy in a correctional facility, putting my degree to use. It appeared that the storm for us was passing and we were entering a state of calm.

One of the best days of my life, Graduation 2013; M.A, John Jay College

From May of 2012 to September of 2016, I worked hard to maintain a beautiful apartment in Brooklyn, New York for myself and my baby girl. In addition, I balanced all of our bills and expenses on my own paying close to $5,000 per month. I juggled school loans, childcare expenses, a car note, extra-curricular activities for Bree, and all of our monthly household and personal expenses. I continued to be optimistic throughout the process, maintaining the mindset that all my hard work would one day pay off. However, like any responsibility that requires hard work and dedication, there comes burnout after some time. After my years of being a dedicated mother, student, and professional, I was truly burned out from the work I was putting in. Although, I was familiar with burnout and mastered techniques to help me temporarily overcome it, I knew it was time to make a change when my little one too began showing signs that she was overwhelmed. Despite my fatigue, it was evident that my hard work was yielding favorable results. However I was still confident that there had to be another way. One of our favorite ways to find a place of calm… outdoors (here we are pictured while camping in Promise Land State Park, PA)

In the winter of 2015, my “mini me” began showing signs that I never saw before. During mornings when I would drop her off to school, she would cry for reasons that I did not understand. When I would pick her up from school, she would spend her evening clinging to me and begging to stay home from school the following day. These behaviors were new to me and one day prompted me to have a talk with Bree. I asked her what changed and her response was simple. She told me that she was TIRED of being away from me, TIRED of spending long hours in school, TIRED of spending dinner time and bath time with her nanny, and TIRED of seeing me tired. This for me was hard to swallow and brought about great sadness. I realized that in my efforts to give my daughter a better life I was causing her loneliness and sadness. In addition, she was trying her hardest to thrive in a single-parent household. This realization was the moment that I knew I had to make changes. I needed to begin brainstorming a plan that would allow Bree and I to live comfortably while spending more time together, a plan that would allow me to still feel that I was successful in my career and making use of my education, and a plan that would allow me to create a life that ultimately allowed Bree and I to be genuinely happy. And so the planning began…

school-and-work School/work days in NYC started something like this

Stay tuned for part II of Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Until next time…

xoxo

Millennial Mom

The Storm Before the Calm: preparing for “mommyhood” following an unexpected pregnancy

The past seven years of my life have been very interesting to say they least. So many challenges and blessings all mixed together. Today I reflect on the past seven years with a heart full of gratitude and the understanding that anything is possible. Before I got to where I am today and before I set out on my current journey with my mini me, we faced much adversity. We were constantly making adjustments in our lives to live the best that we could. Many of those adjustments involved me putting certain dreams on hold to be sure that I was always meeting the needs of A’Bree and putting her first. Travel is one of those dreams that I postponed. It was a dream that I constantly thought about during my college years. I even looked into participating in a study abroad program in Spain to get my travel fix. I was yearning for more culture and experiences that I did not believe I found living in New York City. However, a very strange turn of events changed things for me. My story is one that only few people know but a must share, so let’s start there.

During the start of my sophomore year in college (September of 2008), I took a huge leap and moved out of my dormitory to live with my daughter’s father. I had a rough year prior to my sophomore year as I underwent brain surgery and did not anticipate jumping right into my college career 6 weeks after a major surgery. However, I made it work and was trying my hardest to do everything to pursue my education and be successful. For financial reasons and in efforts not to exhaust the funds from a scholarship I received, I moved out of my dorm with my daughter’s father to save money. In November of 2008 during a routine MRI appointment to follow-up on the post-op conditions of my brain, I learned some very unexpected news. A nurse approached me and told me that I could not proceed with my MRI as my urinary pregnancy test came back positive. Of course I thought she was highly mistaken and had her check the label on the urine sample cup at least two times to compare it to my medical bracelet. And what do you know the information matched and the nurse was not mistaken. My world felt like it had crashed down and I went home in the deepest depression. I felt like I had no one to talk to and my relationship was not the best. I was isolated from my family with a man who was very much abusive in every way. It could not have been a worse time in my life for me to end up pregnant.

As soon as I was able to schedule a doctor’s appointment I did. When I went to the doctor I was told that I was approaching 13 weeks in my pregnancy. I constantly questioned why I presented with no symptoms or signs of pregnancy. I was reminded that discontinuing birth control immediately after my operation could have very well been the reason for this. I was uncertain of what to do and debated in my mind whether or not I would go through with a delivery. I was very lost but time was ticking away for me to make a decision. People around me gave me mixed feedback on what to do. My roommate Jessica Hyman assured me that I’d be a great mom while other friends told me I’d be ruining my life going through with my pregnancy. Despite my crazy circumstances, despite what people had to say, and despite the loneliness and fear that I felt I made MY choice, and I was going to become a mom.

8-months-prego May 2009, 8 months pregnant

As I prepared for “mommyhood” I put my social life and dream of traveling on pause. I could no longer hang with my friends and enjoy the things that young college students should enjoy. I needed to finish my degree before my mini me arrived; that was my priority. In my mind becoming a young mother and college drop-out was not an option. I doubled up on classes and completed my curriculum one semester early. I continued working until I was well into my 8th month of pregnancy. I saved as much money as I could and relocated back to my hometown keeping in mind that country living was more economical and ideal for me raising a child. Sadly a time in my life that should have been one of thee happiest and most exciting times was a very sad and overwhelming time for me. I hid my pregnancy until I began showing at around 8 months and isolated from people who would have probably helped me through such a tough time if only I had talked about it. The sadness however quickly went away from me on June 23rd, 2009 at 9:19 pm; the day that my beautiful daughter A’Bree Inez was born.

june-23 June 23, 2009…. A princess was born

Little did I know that becoming a mother would be one of the best things that ever happened to me. Nor did I know that becoming a young mom would be my motivation to achieve greatness. I call this time in my life, the storm before the calm. Today I can confidently say that becoming a younger mother is hands down one of the most challenging things that I ever faced in my life. However, it’s a life event that can serve as inspiration and motivation. It’s a time period where you find strength that you never knew you had and a time where your ability to be resilient is constantly tested. It does not have to limit or hinder you and it does not mean you give up on your dreams. Postpone things in your life as necessary until you are situated and then keep pushing. And today my friends I can truly say, my mini me and I are pushing.

I hope this story reaches and motivates whoever needed to read it. Know that there is always a calm after the storm. On another note, know that there is so much more to come from me. Until next time…

x0x0

Millennial Mom