My darling husband and I celebrated one year of marriage on January 4th, 2019 and celebrated three years together as a couple on December 27th, 2018. In this time together we have learned a great deal about what married life really is. I can’t speak for my husband but I can definitely say that I had a few things twisted. I write to share some of my misconceptions and enlightenment here. I know I will have many more realizations in the future and will discover more than what I know now. I pray that these lessons prepare me to persevere through everything that comes along with marriage. Before I delve into what year one has been, I ask that my readers with the ability to keep it real weigh in, in the comments to share some tips and “laws to love by” with me. And if not, Becoming Michelle Obama can continue to be one of my guides to marital success🙏🏾.
Lesson 1
In 365 days, I came to realize how easy it can be for outside factors to impact a marriage; some of the biggest factors for us being work schedules and family expectations from relatives outside of our household. These two things weighed heavy on our relationship in year one and created a great deal of pressure that didn’t seem to exist before our marriage. I’m not 100% sure as to why this is but I think this added pressure is the result of a new perception that kinda surfaces after marriage. A perception that tells you that in every way, you and your spouse should always be moving in the same direction; should always be on the same page; and should always be working towards the same goal. And when this is not in fact the case, chaos can erupt. But the lesson that I learned as a resolve to this challenge is how to establish and maintain firm boundaries. Boundaries that take into account my husband and I as individuals and boundaries reached after compromise. As we moved through our first year of marriage we quickly learned the importance of partitioning different aspects of our life to keep our union safe from the input, distraction, and pressure of outside factors. However, creating boundaries for the protection and success of our marriage has not been an easy task. On days when things were chaotic, I just wanted to know that what we were experiencing would eventually be ok. This brings me to my next lesson learned…
Lesson 2
“Misery loves company” but won’t find the company it seeks if the issue at hand is marital trouble. I’m speaking from experience and I’ll elaborate on what I mean. First, let me be clear that this cliche saying does not hold the same meaning here. I was never a miserable wife wishing for the same for someone else. But when challenges would arise in my relationship and I was anxious or worried about what would be (my “misery”), I was seeking some support (the “company”); words from a peer… another wife or newlywed who experienced a similar struggle who could comfort and reassure me. However, such people were nearly impossible to find. What I did find was numbers of people who put on a front and the face of “we don’t have those problems” or any problems at all. People reluctant to discuss the struggles of their own relationships/marriages and people more interested in portraying marriage as “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day (y’all are my inspiration 🙄 NOT). So I found that when going through the trenches, I would not always be so lucky to find support outside of my marriage. Instead, my husband and I had to be that support to one another, work through things we were not happy with, and make the most of life’s lemons which brings me to…
Lesson Three
Live like married life is “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day 😂. Notice I say live here rather than portray, as I did in the previous paragraph where I referenced the perfect marriage pretenders. With lesson three, I’m not saying that I mastered how to be deceitful or an actress when it came to sharing the reality of my marriage. However, I learned to be mindful of all the cute and joy sparking things in my marriage to get through the tough days (can you tell I’ve been watching Marie Kondo in Tidying Up ???). Like on the days when my husband picked up overtime after our baby arrived and I was working from home, trying to prepare dinner, and finish homeschool assignments. I taught myself to remember things like the week prior when he left work early and arrived home with takeout and flowers just because. It was the practice of routinely remembering these sweet and loving gestures that steered rough days in a better direction; and kept me from booting my husband in the head upon his arrival at home whenever he stayed late at work (I love and hate overtime lol). And maybe I had a few things twisted when it came to marital support. Maybe my expectation of finding a supportive peer was unrealistic. However, it’s something that I believe we all need to get through life. The words and encouragement of someone living a similar journey, to remind you that you are not alone. I made it through year one of marriage without much of this kind of support (except for the unwavering support of my mother whom I owe my life) but repeatedly asked God for it. In the midst of seeking support I also said that part of my purpose would be to be one to someone else. So here I am writing. And 10 days into the new year, I found my support… something and someone truly amazing. I’ll share more about what and who I found in a future post but God definitely sends angels and is always right on time. Now on to…
Lesson 4
One of the most important things that I grasped in year one of married life is for hubby and I to be our own inspiration. After learning lessons two and three, I realized that I could easily be misled if I was always seeking “company” and testimony from my peers about their marital life and struggles. Or even looking to social media questioning if picture perfect families ever had bad days. So instead, I regularly reminded myself of my vows (you can read them here: A Promise to My Dearest Love), my relationship goals, and the reason why my husband and I came together as one to begin with. Our story is so unique (you can learn more about it by reading our intro Getting To Know Us) and we need to continue to write it to be just that without replicating what other people have done or are doing. In the act of writing our story, regular communication, planning, and review is necessary; planning of where we hope to be and review of the strides we are actually making.
Will It Be Forever?
With this new knowledge, I sometimes question will it be forever? Do we have what it takes to make it? I am unable to say with certainty especially because I do not know God’s plan for my life. However, with where I am today I hope for a forever fairytale with my hubby. And we can only get there by doing the work, one day at a time. I am happy and grateful for my first year of marriage which has better equipped me to journey towards year two. So much has changed for my husband and I since day one but the two things that have remained the same are our love for each other and dedication to our relationship. We have faced some unique challenges that most newlyweds typically don’t experience. However, we survived 1,120 days together including year one as husband and wife, despite the trials we have faced. I’ll one day be ready to share in detail more about our struggles but for now that’s not what’s important… how we have conquered our troubles is. I pray that we strengthen our union as we work towards forever.
I hope someone enjoyed reading this post and was inspired by at least one thing shared here. Remember to drop a line in the comments section whether it be a tip, question, or emoji. I plan to share more about my life as Mrs. Paka in the near future so stay tuned. Until next time…
Xoxo,
Millennial Mom
Millennial Mom 