adversity – Millennial Mom

Justice for Ilya: A Disheartening Fight for Truth

My beloved Ilya, despite the fatigue I feel in my spirit and the pain that I feel in my heart, I will never stop fighting for you. #Justice4Ilya

By now the Millennial Mom community and friends near and far know of the tragic loss of my dearest love Ilya Pakanayev. December 24th, 2022 was the three year anniversary of Ilya’s death. Although I have hoped and believed that my pain would decrease with time, this year has felt extremely painful. It was likely worse than the pain that I felt on the morning that I received that shocking call and my mourning commenced. This is because I have spent much of 2022 in torment; battling what I wanted for myself and my family as it relates to the fight for Ilya, against the opinions of others. I made the decision in November of 2022 to bring light my late husband’s case for the sake of seeking justice and the full truth. I have traumatically relived the happenings of day one, lost hope in humanity learning new details about Ilya’s case, and I live in a state of confusion daily trying to navigate where to turn next. With many things so uncertain at this time in life, the only thing that I know with great certainty is that I will never stop in my fight for #Justice for Ilya.

From restaurant tables to bathroom stalls, everywhere I go, I’m sharing Ilya’s story. I’m grateful to supporters who have joined in this mission. Spreading awareness is our greatest hope at this time.

If you are unaware of Ilya’s story, in short, he left home on December 23rd, 2019 and never returned. He was traveling from our home in Monticello NY, to his parents in Forest Hills, Queens NY. It was the second night of Chanukah but Ilya never made it to his destination. He was ultimately found in the a.m. hours on Christmas eve, unconscious in a driveway in Southside Jamaica Queens. Upon receipt of a call providing only the details “Ilya’s dead”, I instantly knew that something was very wrong in Ilya’s case but genuinely trusted that authorities would figure it all out. As things stand today, I was naive and wrong in my beliefs. When I went to identify my love at the Queens Medical Examiner’s office, it was there that I learned that Ilya’s case was a criminal investigation.

Detectives later arrived to inform me of the strange happenings in Ilya’s case. I was told that my beautiful husband’s lifeless body was viewed via doorbell camera footage, being carried by two men and dumped in a residential driveway. According to detectives the men were identified and authorities were waiting to interview them. Our family was ultimately told that an investigation was underway and we would be provided updates as developments unfolded. Anxious and desperate for the truth, I called the police precinct persistently for updates hoping that new answers would come promptly, due to the early developments in the case. Week after week, from December of 2019 to March of 2020, when I reached out to the police department, I was told that the case was still moving forward. And then COVID-19 hit and the world went mad. Ilya’s case was passed through different investigative divisions within the NYPD and to the hands/desks of different professionals. Around his birthday in May of 2020, I called the police precinct only to learn that his case had been “closed months ago”. My heart sank and my mind went blank. What came next was more indicators that there was more to Ilya’s case than I had initially thought. This discovery led me down a very dark and lonely road, trying to raise my children while my mind played out traumatic scenarios day after day. I attempted to ignore my grief and in doing so I developed what is known as prolonged bereavement. Ilya’s story has caused me to experience PTSD symptoms. With all of this I have still found the will to go on. Now when people ask how my only answer is “by the grace of G_d”.

Your love and beautiful soul has left my life forever changed. It taught me many lessons including ones about life in general and how to love myself first.

I have found it necessary to take two plus years to process my pain; a task which looks different everyday and a process that will continue for the rest of my life. Through this journey I had to discover my own healing regimen in efforts to best cope with my new reality. This had to be a top priority before I could dedicate myself to fighting for justice for Ilya in a healthy way. In November after feeling tired, disappointed, angry, and desperate for answers, I sprang into action, launching a social media campaign to bring awareness to Ilya’s case. It was 12 long weeks of foot work, completing a long list of responsibilities every single day. New discoveries that came to light during this time were eye opening and disheartening at the same time. And although I believe that I made new strides unlike I had ever made in the past, the words, attitudes, violation of my family’s privacy and wishes, and a complete lack of concern for humanity were more in my face than ever before as I was pursuing this fight, relying on social media. In a situation such as my own, the coldness of the world was too hard to ignore.

Ilya’s resting place in Wellwood Cemetery

Where things stand today, my heart is broken and the hope that I have for humanity dwindles every day. It is thanks to the earthly angels who walk with me through this life and the divine, that I find more strength to keep on in this mission; especially on the days when I am truly ready to give up. I am grateful for the advances that I was able to make at the start of this campaign, with the support of friends, family, and new supporters via our GoFundMe dedicated to raising money for a private investigator and an independent medical examiner. I am thankful to News12 reporter Blaise Gomez for covering Ilya’s story and bringing light to the injustices in his case. And lastly, I am thankful for everyone who has checked on me and supported me through this very painful process. At present, I have strayed away from social media as a tool in this fight. Maybe in the future I will return there. For now I have realized the importance of finding another way. I have been writing for grants to help families like my own, continuing outreach efforts with the team that has joined me in doing so, and relying on my more intimate communities for support. More than ever before I need to redefine and redesign a tribe. Through this pain ridden movement I learned who my tribe truly is.

As always, I wanted to share my truth here to reach anyone who can relate to my pain. I also turn here with hopes that anyone who wishes to connect with me, will reach me. Maybe you’re a widow or a widower too; maybe you’ve suffered a tragic loss; maybe in some area of your life you’ve lost hope; or maybe you’ve realized that your tribe needs some redesigning and through my story you’re reminded that it’s a reality for not only you. Whatever the case, you are not alone and I live to be a resource and supporter to people like us. If you’re reading this today and are drawn to support the #Justice4Ilya campaign, here is how you can help:

1. Donate to and or share our GoFundMe link

2. Participate in outreach efforts by emailing info@justice4iLyaPaka.org to receive info cards via mail that you can distribute in your community

3. Join an upcoming call to assist with sourcing grants or to help brainstorm other ways to reach our goals (email above contact for details)

4. Follow us on Instagram @Just4iLyaPaka

*** These are the ways in which I am currently asking for support in this mission to get answers in Ilya’s mysterious death. I ask that any other effort be discussed with me prior, due to the nature and sensitivity of our situation.

I hope that this write reaches the eyes and hearts of whomever it needs to reach. Sending love and positive energy to my Millennial Mom supporters all over the world and I ask that you keep my family in thoughts and prayers in a similar way. Stay tuned for my next writes including one titled:

My Prayer for All of the Forgotten Ones

There is so much new content waiting to be published here and through my continued dedication to writing, I show my followers who turn to this blog for inspiration and hope that you are never forgotten. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

Deeper Than My Grief: Hi My Name is Tea

Finding my inner peace on sacred land in Sedona, AZ… PRICELESS!

On my course of learning to live my life again, after surviving one of the most traumatic events in my life, I discovered so much about what healing is and is not. I had no idea that through efforts to mend my broken heart and accept that my soulmate is physically gone forever and never coming back, I would end up where I am today. More and more I see that life is such an enigma. As ugly and as painful as this healing venture has been, I now see it as something just as beautiful, for the ways in which it has shaped me for a brighter future… for a brighter me.

In a world where change is inevitable, I try to assure that finding my breath and rhythm daily is a constant. It’s the one thing that keeps me centered. Outdoor meditation on a road trip this past summer (2022)- Geneva State Park, Ohio

Healing is not linear.

Healing is not easy.

Healing is not a one-and-done process.

Healing is a life-long commitment.

Healing is ugly.

Healing is beautiful.

Healing is transformative.

Healing is deep-rooted.

Healing is a complete undoing.

Healing is leaving no stone unturned.

Healing is a choice made by the bravest.

Healing has bases.

Healing requires that we do or we do not.

Healing requires that we go all the way.

Healing leaves us bare, vulnerable, forever changed.

Healing is why we are here.

On a recent visit to a beach in Ohio, my baby girl taught me the spiritual meaning of stacking cairns… to create balance, to showcase our gratitude, to remember important experiences, places, and loved ones, and for prosperous and intentional paths. Pictured here is my first stone structure… picture perfect 🤍

In discovering these truths about healing, I tried to outline a more dedicated routine for myself. Through daily practices of prayer, journaling, meditation, breath work, and clearing of my inner energy over the last 2.5 years, I began to uncover many things hidden in my subconscious. Truths about myself that were shocking to me in a state of consciousness all came to light. Things that my mind amazingly disguised for years as if they never happened and things that were very painful to face, finally became ones that I could no longer run from. In December of 2021, I experienced what some would call a nervous breakdown. All that I unveiled was overwhelming for me. A relative whom I am now estranged from said it was my karma. Maybe so, but I am not certain of this. I say that this unraveling was a spiritual experience of a breakthrough bound to happen, from years and years of always pushing myself to overcome and survive, while sweeping the things that hurt me the most into the darkest corners of my mind. After making a personal commitment to broadening my spiritual practices in ways unlike ever before, I believe my mind, body, and soul shifted more into alignment, craving a deeper level of personal truth. Holistically, I was ready for a commitment to true change and healing that would shake my entire existence. And on December 10th, 2021, I believe my guides took me on the wildest ride of my life to break down walls and beliefs that formed over a period of years, causing me to operate from a place of survival rather than living from a place authentic to my purpose. But we must live to learn, and I now accept that this was all a part of a greater process.

During this breakthrough I connected with lost loved ones whom I never knew much about before. I learned about some of my spiritual gifts passed down to me through generations. I watched myself through childhood experiences and made sense of things that always felt foreign to me. I identified earthly blockages puppeteering me through life. And I ultimately endured what the spiritually attuned would describe as a massive download or spiritual ceremony. Looking back, I know that it was all a mix of bizarre, comical, and concerning happenings for outsiders looking in. Medical professionals would question if it was a chemically induced trip or psychosis. If you’ve never navigated such an experience, these words likely translate to foreign language. Working in mental health has given me theoretical perspectives of these kind of mind shifts. But living through this opened my eyes to the connections between spiritual realms and psyche that I am now eager to explore more. My experience was one of the most mind-blowing things that I have ever encountered but, I now trust that these ventures are real! All in all, I awoke at the end of all of this in a hospital bed trying to find the right words to help someone viewing my case clinically, understand that I was ok… trying to find strength to tell myself that it would all be ok. I’m grateful that my higher power and mother universe always has the most divine plan and led me in the right direction to recover from such an experience. I was happy to return home safely to my babies, knowing what alternative outcomes could have been.

On my first day back home following my hospital discharge, I felt that I was being afforded an opportunity to begin a completely “new life”. A life of deeper practices, with complete disconnect from hinderances, and a complete letting go of everything and anyone that interfered with my true purpose. Everything around me was the same but my perspective had shifted drastically. I was afraid and vulnerable and everything that I once knew, was no more. I was tempted to choose comfort and familiarity over change because I desperately wanted to feel safe. It was here that I realized that my healing journey would require that I venture deeper than my grief. My healing journey needed to touch on my childhood, my beliefs, my survival habits, my ego, the constructs surrounding the way in which I viewed myself, and all of my traumas that impact every aspect of my being. Again, all of this was quite frightening to think of initially. But after overcoming a 5-day mental health hospital stay while “out of my mind”, not knowing what would come next, I thought to myself that the only thing that could be worse than sitting with what I now knew/felt and doing some deep-rooted healing, was sitting with it and doing nothing at all, continuing on in the same way. For what is life if we do not strive for truth? A fallacy. What is life if we do not commit to overcoming the circumstances we are born into? In my mind, a waste.

I continue to find the greatest sense of peace and healing in nature, near bodies of water. This summer I ventured on a road trip with my babies, chasing waterfalls and good eats. This was a creek in Asheville, NC where we enjoyed grounding and listening to the sounds of natural water flow and all of nature at work.

And so, I continued my daily meditation practices, venturing into new forms including kundalini and past life meditations. I attended my first retreat without a group of friends with whom I was familiar. I began reading various texts on the subject matters of healing, spirituality, chakras, and trauma. In the spring of 2022, I took things a step further and sought out a therapist for added support through all of this. I was quite specific in my prayers about the type of professional I was seeking. Although I participated in talk therapy in the past, my intentions this time around were very different. I was fortunate to have been connected with a woman and practitioner who embodied much of what I was looking for. Her poise and genuine nature touched my soul in such an unexpected way in a relatively short period of time. She is someone new in my life who has guided me into deeper self-reflection and the rebuilding of my life; a compassionate soul whose skills are allowing us both to witness years-worth of transformation happening week after week.

I recently awoke with a desire to share this part of my story for a number of reasons. From my personal experiences, I truly understand how difficult it can be to jumpstart one’s healing voyage when afraid, carrying heavy burdens, feeling unsure of where to start, or when not surrounded by supports/acquaintances on a similar path. So, I share my story as an example of where and when my current path began. I also continue to share my hardships because I repeatedly find gems and beauty in life processes that are downright ugly. That for me is both growth and a blessing… one of the biggest rewards in all of this. I live more and more in a space of peace and gratitude as I progress along my path. Not because things in my life are perfect; not because I live my life without flaw; not because my reality is exactly as I have dreamed it. But because I now possess greater clarity to see that the person I was yesterday, is different from the person I am today. I see tremendous growth from things that once hindered me. I now face things that I ran from in the past, with grace and bravery. And that gives me hope. Hope that I do not have to simply exist, survive, and accept what I was born into. Hope that I can design the life of my dreams with boundaries and safety, speaking life into all that I want, embracing all that I am, and surrounding myself with people and things that uplift me. I feel anew with this level of acceptance and understanding. It is something in my life worthy of celebrating. And before I share a little more about this new version of me, it’s only fitting that I formally introduce the new me. Hi, my name is Tanisha (Tea) Pakanayeva. I’m a resilient soul unapologetically me, who is hopeful, healing, and finding greater happiness every day.

Meditation and waterfalls in Indianapolis, summer 2022

Their little eyes are always watching… Abe copying and Bree capturing. I strive to make them proud!
Outdoor meditation, West Virginia, summer 2022

Embracing the way in which my healing journey has taken me deeper than my grief, has brought me closer to the woman that I know I am destined to be. It is somewhat unfortunate that through the greatest loss of my life, I learned so much about myself, but I accept it. I have uncovered things that have freed me, things that I am no longer ashamed of, things that no one can hold above me because I have committed to facing all of my own stuff head on. This new version of me is one that I have hoped to find all my life. I am empowered, I am powerful, and I am a symbol of change. And with change comes discomfort. Sadly this new version of me now leaves some in a place of discord because I cannot and will no longer try to fit certain molds. And to that discontent I say may we be thankful for the memories and move forward making new ones on different paths. This new version of me allows me to be all that I need to be for myself without seeking out a crutch or a savior to protect me from what is painful. I can commit to being a better mother to my children who are two souls who deserve this growth and elevation of me more than anyone. And altogether, I know that this new walk in my power, with continued transparency about my struggles and triumphs will serve to light the torch for someone inspired by my journey to know that they can begin theirs too.

Two books that have captivated my attention over the last few months

There is no official guidebook to healing and if there is anything that I can say as words of advice, it would be go deep. Leave nothing unturned. Be brave. Do it with your all or don’t. This is how I commit to continue chugging along on this ride, ready for a restart or revision whenever necessary. Thank you for following!

I dedicate this write to my spiritual tribe who has given me a sense of belonging on a flight that has at times felt so lonely; to my children who give me my greatest hope to keep going every day; to my daughter and best friend who through thick and thin loves me unwaveringly and who is open to finding truth together; to my friends who consistently make room for me in their lives giving me opportunity to navigate this difficult road with love, compassion, and support; and to my dearest love and late husband Ilya who dedicated what he could to loving me like no other during his time here, before I truly learned what it was to love myself. Thank you! I am forever grateful to you all.

I hope that this piece has touched the heart of at least one. May we commit to our individual healing daily and never lose sight of true purpose. Until my next write, love and light to the world.

xoxo,

Tea

And if I do not set out to accomplish anything else in this life, becoming their mother was my greatest accomplishment of all. A’Bree Inez and A’Brahm ILian, I love you with all of me.

Liberated By My Truth

I turned 33 this year in May and spent my day at my favorite vineyard in Lexington, NC. It was a birthday outing that I now see as truly symbolic. The last year for me has been like the aging of fine wine… with time, a maturity and quality that is grand.

This write is one that holds a power unlike any other piece that I have ever written before. A power very deeply connected to things within me and about my life journey that have played a part in shaping me into the person that I learned to be. Over the last two years, I have committed myself to a new path of growth and healing since losing the love of my life. I embarked on this journey during a time where I felt quite lost and in need of finding out who I am meant to be at this time in life. This path has required me to look inward, upward, and outward. And the outcome has included significant realizations about self, my past, my relationships, and my future. Realizations that I am beyond grateful for. I have found the greatest liberation from my healing journey although it has at times been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to commit to. Today I write to share a little more about my truth as it relates to deep reality testing, assessment of relationships in my life, and breaking unhealthy habits/patterns. I write to express how we can find the greatest freedom in our lives simply by writing our truths; and going even further to challenge those truths through comparison to words and experiences sometimes presented to harm us or create self-doubt. This work is quite unique as it is an entry straight from my mind dump journal, that helped me arrive at a truth that I have prayed for, for some time. The truth that I am not and do not have to be what others wish to mold me into. The truth that my walk in this life may feel like a foreign language to others. The truth that my greatest liberation has come just by me better understanding and accepting me for me.

I recently had an exchange with someone in my life who has struggled to understand me. I never understood the discord but over the years realized that no matter what I said, did in life, or how hard I worked, I’d likely be viewed with a side eye, and viewed as this character foreign to who I know myself to be. In this conversation, I received a breakdown/list of many of the things that this person saw in me. It was shocking and overwhelming but an opportunity to reality test, self-reflect, and grow in the areas where I was falling short. And as I reviewed the list, few things resonated with me. So, I ran to my journal and hoped that in working through things visually and in an engaging way, I could better arrive at what I was missing. I made a chart (the nerd in me couldn’t resist) with two columns: one labeled “their truth about me” and the other labeled “my truth”. I went to work listing and comparing, with my truths noted in many parts as affirmations that I will continue to speak to myself. What I found in the end has left me feeling more empowered and freer than I have ever felt in my life.

My soul always leads me to water to find the greatest peace. It is in nature where I have received the most abundant healing.

This deep reality testing chart from my mind dump journal looked like this:

Their Truth About Me	My Truth
I abandoned my child to be free, to travel, for 5- years	For a period of two years of my life, I moved 2hrs way from my first child to obtain higher education. It was a hard sacrifice to make. I cried often and worried at times, but knew it was for a chance to better myself. I took the opportunity to visit as often as I could. I worked hard, enjoyed life as a young college student, and balanced what it was to do so while being a mother.
I prioritized globetrotting over being a mother	My babies venture with me mostly everywhere I go. I once enjoyed one vacation to Mexico during the two years that I committed to my master’s degree, while my baby girl was not in my care full-time. I took a trip during one of my spring breaks with friends and loved it. It was for respite. I thought I earned it for working hard. When my daughter moved back in my care, it was “grind” time but after two years we traveled parts of the world together for 10 months in South & Central America and two weeks in our favorite place: The Philippines.
I am disrespectful	I use my voice. I stand up for myself and what I belief is right. I am passionate. I am not perfect. I am principled. I am human.
My significant others gained their acceptance	In my 33-years, I have had 3 long-term relationships in my adult life. All which came with their own unique challenges and one that shook my world in a crazy way. But nothing that I feel I didn’t manage as best I could or that I allowed to cause problems in the lives of the people I love. My most recent love Ilya Paka was a man who changed my life. He naturally gained the love of most people that he met as the gem that he was. In my eyes, no one did him any favors accepting him. To know him was to love him.
I don’t worry about my children	I became a stay-at-home & work from home mom because I worry greatly about my children. When away from my littles, I often feel anxious. I think about their future often. I raise them to be close so that in my absence, they have the love and support of one another always.
I complain about everyone	I speak up about what bothers me. One of my qualities that I admire is my frank and vocal nature. I don’t allow people to treat me any way they wish. I speak my values and try to outline healthy boundaries. I protect my peace which includes protecting my babies from the actions and words of others that I find harmful.
The care that I select for my children is questionable	I trust my children in the care of individuals I can trust. In my absence, my children have experienced things that were harmful while with people I believed I could trust. Today, I forgive myself for this and separate my children from sources of harm.
I am blasphemous	I confide in friends and loved ones I can trust, regarding my truth and struggles. They encourage and support me. I return the same. The nature of our conversations are based in truth and real-life experiences. I encourage people to find support in people with whom they feel most comfortable. I encourage friendships and the growing of your own tribe. I speak out against things that are malicious and untrue.
I have no loyalty	I refuse to condone what I believe is negative or toxic actions. I am loyal to who and what feels right. I disagree with the idea that status, roles, etc. should exempt people from consequences when they are wrong. I have strong relationships based on love, truth, and loyalty which I am proud of.
I have misconceptions about my life	I design my life based on my values and all that I believe to be true. I accept that not everyone will understand my life. I make mistakes as I am not perfect. My life is very much about trial and error. I learn and adjust as I go.
I shut people out	I love genuine, loving connections that feel in alignment with who I am. I give people chances. I am social. I thrive off of healthy relations. I enforce my boundaries. I no longer accept things that feel wrong to me.
I use my children as pawns	I dedicate my life and entire existence to protecting my children from harm/potential harm.
There is no perfect person; they are content with their efforts and role in my life… they are excellent.	There is no perfect person. Perfection in my opinion doesn’t exist. I don’t strive for perfection. I strive towards greater healing and growth. I am good at certain things in my life. There is always room for me to improve. My best looks different as I grow. I am a work in progress. My excellence will be determined by my higher power, at my end.

Here she is…. my Mind Dump Journal. She allows me to free my mind without prompts. I draw, doodle, write deep entries, and just go where my heart leads me. It has been a transformative process and mind dumping is a process that I began about two years ago and have since taught the art to the women whom I work with.

Wooooh! Processing and working through this conversation took grace and bravery. I received the message, realized the reality that I would destroy myself working to ever gain the understanding of this person in my lifetime, and I set the burden free. I mediated, connected with my tribe, ugly cried, and now I carry on… continuing to process all of this and ultimately work through what I feel now. In my journal I wrote:

“Wow! Finding truth is liberating. It sometimes takes a lot of work and deep reality testing. This entry has freed me in a way that I never imagined.”
Tea Pakanayeva- in my journal title “A Journey to a Better Me Through the Art of Mind Dumping”

This process for me was necessary to work through the bounds of a relationship that has played a significant role in my life and influenced me in ways both good and bad. I share my approach to freeing myself from this bond to offer hope and inspiration to someone else out there. Self-doubt is often times the result of things that we are told about who we are. In not being able to see what others see in us, we can sometimes fall into dark places of despair. But today I encourage you to rise above this as difficult as it may sometimes feel. Remind yourself of who you are, your purpose, and what you commit yourself to, daily. Free yourself from things and people not in alignment with your highest self. Find simple activities such as meditation, journaling, and genuine affirmations to help you find your way and elevate. Turn to resources such as coaching and counseling as your find your truth. Your truth will always set you free. Sending an abundance of love and light to my tribe out there today, doing the work of deep deep healing. Keep pushing… liberation is so close.

I dedicate this write to my beautiful children A’Bree Inez (13) and A’Brahm Ilian (4). Thank you for your unconditional love. I commit to being a better of myself not only for me but for us. Love Mama ❤

Be well in these uncertain times friends, until next time….

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

Unpublished Gem: Will It Be Forever? pt.II: 3 laws to love by

I lay here on May 21, 2022 at 5:04am on my last day of vacation in Punta Cana, DR (the destination where I married my soulmate) editing this write which I initially drafted on January 29th, 2019- exactly one year and 25 days into my marriage with my dearest love Ilya. Little did I know that 5 days short of 11 months later, December 24, 2019, I’d be receiving the news that the love of my life was dead. And so the last two plus years have been a journey of pain, yearning for understanding, healing, and rollercoaster rides. And last night into today, like many other nights that eventually turn to dusk, I struggle to sleep. Thinking about what was, what could have been, and what will be. A rather chaotic state of mind to dwell in but a real one that I work to soothe and conquer daily. I saw this unpublished draft last night as I scrolled through my written work to find something worthy of being blasted next and knew it would be the one I shared with my readers next. I believe that from just editing this work, I was able to answer the question that my title initially posed. I’ll get into that at the conclusion of this write but first I’ll share with you what I drafted on that day almost 4 years ago…

“I write today simply to encourage other couples that it is indeed possible to survive the most trying of circumstances in a relationship/marriage, if you are willing to do the work. And I write to attest to the fact that no relationship is perfect although most of the things that we absorb around us, work to convince us otherwise. Although I cannot say with certainty what the future holds for my love and I, I sure hope for our forever together and commit to working towards just that, one day at a time. After one year of marriage, here’s a list of principles/ “laws to love by” that we learned and plan to continue to use and master on our journey.

Family holiday shoot, 12.2018

Law #1 Be Our Own Inspiration

1. Remembering our vows and goals always

2. Avoiding comparing our union to “Jack and Jill”

3. Avoiding the pressures of social media/society about what our love should look like

If you know my family or have followed our blogging journey thus far, you are aware of all the things that make us unorthodox/millennials. From the way our littles are raised and schooled, to our religious practices, to our union, to our plans for the future. Most days I’m super proud of the life we are building and then there are days that I question if what we are doing makes sense or is “right”. These doubts have sometimes impacted my relationship with my hubby and encourage me to regularly reflect. So I came up with the law of being our own inspiration so that we consistently aim to be mindful of why we became one to begin with, remember why we established the goals for life that we did, and remind ourselves of the promises we made to each other. We make great efforts to avoid comparing our life to that of others because our love story is ours. And at times when seeking approval and understanding from outside of our union, we can open ourselves up to receive advice and input out of alignment with what we actually need. In our home, “focused chats” are a practice that we’ve started to be sure we are addressing areas of our marriage and family life that we want to grow in.

Law #2 Master Healthy Communication (using the 3 important steps)

1. Determine the goal of the conversation

2. Determining the right time to talk

3. Listen to understand

4. Respond for the purpose of progress, repair, and to do no harm

Update: I was shocked in my marriage to see how great Ilya was at this. I always coined myself the great communicator in our duo. Ilya’s gentle and loving nature made it easy to work through our challenges and communicate better. He’d often joke that he wasn’t bothered by my “little attitude” and encouraged me to promise that we’d never go to sleep angry at one another. I can’t say we were successful every night but we did a darn good job overall.

Law #3 Boundaries

1. Our household first… our plans, our expectations, and our practices FIRST!

2. Individuality- the ability to be ourselves, do what we love, regularly enjoy time apart, and routinely reconvene to work together as one.

Law #4 Love, Love, Love

And at the core of everything that we do and commit to, love, love, love.

At the start of this write, I noted the question posed in my title. Where I am at this point in my healing journey, I can say that my love story is forever. The love and soul connection that I share with my dearest love Ilya is immortal and will live on. We lived out our vows of until death do us part and even in death, Ilya has made his abundant love known to me by way of signs and messages through people near and far, strangers and close friends. I will share more about these unique happenings in future publications including a short book dedicated to these supernatural occurrences. Look out for pieces in my series My Dearest Love Ilya for more on this part of my life. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Like what you’ve read? Have a suggestion for a future blog or have a question? Let me know in the comments. Check out what I’m up to these days here.

The Day a Stranger Fed My Soul: feedback from a follower

e571f489-2326-44dd-9582-64c8e3741c16

Why is it that we learn the most about a person’s impact on the world after they die? I started to think more and more about this following the death of rapper Nipsey Hussel. To be honest, I had no clue about who he was prior to his death. I only knew who he was after my cousin told me the news and referred to him as “Lauren London’s boyfriend”. Then for weeks as the world prepared to say their last goodbyes to Hussel, I witnessed how many people were truly touched by/mourning his death; celebrities and common-folk alike. I also learned about all of the amazing things that he did for his community and I was inspired. Now this piece is not at all about the latest news in Hip-hop culture. It is however, about the need for us as a people to tell our friends, our loved ones, or even a stranger how they touch our lives… while they exist with us here on earth. This was my experience twice in the past week (this happened in April) where I was on the receiving end of feedback. First happening during a “catch-up” date with a dear friend. My friend opened up to me about the way she viewed me and how I inspired her, and I cried. Hearing what she felt about me was different, a little uncomfortable, and heartwarming all at the same time.

And here’s my gal Nicole… or Kneecole as I often call her. A close friend of many years whom I’ve shared the realest chats with. She can be a little on the shy side so I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing her with you. But she’s been a great support to me for many years, during my toughest times, and I’d scream it from a roof top lol 💙 This is us mingling with the locals on a girls trip in Belize, Fall 2018.

Following the date with my friend, I asked myself why I felt any discomfort during our chat. After all we have been close friends since childhood. I came to realize that I felt weird about receiving positive feedback because I don’t get such genuine recognition enough. I also cried because my friend’s words spoke to my soul and in summary told me to keep pushing because I was doing something right. For some time I have asked mother universe, what is my purpose? who do people understand me to be? and what mark will I leave on the world when my body leaves this earth? Very deep questions, I know but I cannot carry-on in this life without confirmation. And my interaction with my friend was just that. Recently, mother universe again sent me what I asked for…. soul food and feedback; coming by way of a complete stranger in my inbox. The writer wrote:

Tanisha,

I just read your latest post and you are amazing. I first read one of your posts around 2 years ago. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. At that point I had been teaching for about 18 years. I loved the children I taught for years, and for years that kept me there. Then my job started affecting my life and my parenting. One morning when I was really feeling helpless I read your blog about giving everything up and traveling with your daughter. It gave me hope.

Through all my years (in our hometown), I knew your dad. It took me awhile to make the connection. When I saw his picture with your daughter the other day I figured out you were his daughter. Through my 18 years I would see your dad and he always spoke of you. He was always so proud of you and your accomplishments. The year I read your blog I started therapy and gained enough confidence to look for another job after 18 years. I ended up getting a position I love, 6 minutes from my house. I am happy and love my profession again. One day, my son was running a (track & field) meet. I saw your dad and we caught up for awhile. I told him I was looking for a job and he was talking about you and when you used to run. He cheered so loudly for my son that day and my son ran his best race ever. He never reached that time again. I have thought of that day and of you so often through the years. You do not know me, but just know that your words, confidence, and risk taking has made me make huge changes in my life. Thank you for that. I admire your courage!! I also wanted you to know how proud of you, your dad has always been.”

Receiving this message made my week and changed my life. It told me to keep going and so I shall. I end this post with a special message to my friends, family, and followers: tell the people around you what they mean to you! If you have a meaningful experience with a stranger, let them know. We are here for reasons greater than what we think and our interactions with one another help to bring clarity regarding our strengths and the paths that we should travel in life. Our gifts are made to touch others in a special way. What we do or should be doing should be for reasons other than recognition or financial l gain. Here on Millennial Mom, I share my gift of writing and coaching with you. I encourage you to journey through life with purpose! And be true to yourself and that purpose. And last, I advise you not to show up to my funeral crying and carrying on about what I meant to you, if you never told me while I’m here… I’ll call you out lol. I hope someone enjoyed this write. Let me know your thoughts by dropping a comment. Stay tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Get a House and Grow Your Roots”: A “gypsy” woman’s response to criticism

Rare that you see a woman of color and her miniature belly dancing on a beach right? But yes this is us! So much about us makes us such a rare bunch 💙

“Your family is like a gypsy family… no school, moving here moving there. Get a house! Grow your roots in one place” she said to me. The former statement was such a compliment to me and I immediately lit up when I heard it. The latter was the worst advice anyone could have given me, but it was understandable considering the source. Only the people who truly know me would understand why. If you have been a follower of Millennial Mom and have been keeping up with the changes I have made in my life, you know why too.

The words the woman said to me went in one ear and out the other. I felt sad for her! That although leaving her home country full of culture years ago to migrate here to the states (to find whatever she was seeking), she ultimately stopped seeking and became complacent with following the norm. Chasing money, working long hours at one job, finding little time to vacation, and accumulating large debt to live a dream that many of us are not privileged to comfortably live. For most people, this routine is the only way to live. And many people do it with or without complaint; I respect and commend the people who have chosen to live this dream. Then there are those of us who struggle and need a more sensible way to live. For me, this routine derails me from my ultimate goals and dreams. Goals and dreams that I’m repeatedly questioned about and sometimes criticized for having. So I write this post to share why I’m committed to living Tea’s Dream opposed to the one that we often refer to as the American Dream (abbreviated here as AD). And sharing how I often respond to the tough critics who simply do not get it.

Thus far in my life, I’d say I’ve come very far and accomplished a great deal. At one point, I was on the path of living this AD and was very much in agreement with it. Then one day I began to question why we strive for this one dream even when it makes life that much harder for some of us. When pondering this, I was specifically focusing on our practice of assuming large debt for higher education, the purchase of homes that will take long years to pay off, and for the purpose of buying/leasing vehicles. My thoughts initially began following a trip abroad. I remember traveling to the Philippines and being invited by our Tuk-Tuk (a motorized bike taxi) driver to his house. I was shocked to see what the driver and his family called home and I immediately felt bad for them. I didn’t want to accept a drink or the snacks that they offered us, fearing that they may not have had enough for themselves. The driver noticed my reluctance to take what he and his family were offering and then politely taught me something. He reminded me that “mini me” and I were his guests, told me that he was delighted to offer us refreshments, and said that the Philippines is not like America where his sister is a nurse. He stated that “we have much less and we are happy too”. I have since replayed this exchange in my head for the last three years because the meaning and the lesson in this conversation is so deep. Based on what I walked away with, I am constantly evaluating my life and the things that I choose to value.

Prior to shifting my focus toward a new way of living, the AD was something that I valued greatly and it was something that I was determined to achieve. My dedication started in the area of education. My education has always been important to me as I understood early on, how it would impact my ability to sustain the lifestyle that I wanted. Because of this, I was sure to take it serious from the very beginning. I finished high school in great standing and immediately went on to college despite hardship (read about it here). I knew exactly what I wanted to study and planned for it. One thing that I didn’t think through completely was the expense to obtain higher education, especially at the graduate level; and how this would impact me after completion of my degree. This topic isn’t one thoroughly addressed in school either so if you’re not learning this at home or on your own, you learn the hard way later on. But that’s a topic for a different post. Anyhow, I was fortunate to be a recipient of over $60,000 in scholarship funding which made my education affordable. However, practicum hours (3,000 plus) and maintaining the cost to live in NYC while completing my degree and work experience requirements, as a single mother, required me to secure loans to stay afloat. Luckily, the full cost of my education was covered.

Graduating with my M.A. in Forensic Mental Health Counseling from CUNY John Jay College of Criminal Justice, May, 2014.

After completing school and advancing my career, I started working to pay off loans while managing the expense of rent, my vehicle, childcare, and other bills. After a while I began to ask myself “is this life? Is this what I’m expected to do for the rest of mine? And for people like myself who are far from financial wealth, how do you comfortably make this work?” So I began plucking the brains of the people in my life who I believed to have responsibly done it; people I looked up to as good examples. Sadly, the advice I was given took me in a circle and I was right back where I started with the same questions. “New home buyer programs, leasing vs. financing, and repayment plan options” for loans were things I was told to consider. I was already aware of these things and was expecting much better advice. I ultimately decided that instead of looking outward for answers as I often tend to do, I was going to flip things and reverse it (yes I sang Missy Elliot “work it” as I wrote that). I was going to look inward, see what I needed, realize what I could live without, better understand what would make me happy at the end of this life, and change my life’s trajectory. I was going to begin moving according to a new plan that took all of these things into consideration. And so I did! You can read more about the specifics of my journey if you haven’t already, throughout my blog posts including:

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Journey to Tiny House Living: moving from one box to another? … Why?

A New Life Aligned: Meditation and Travel

Our Home… Her School: homeschooling for us

Major changes that I made related to the things at the core of the AD…. my job, my home, and the education that I afforded my daughter. I drafted a plan where we would end our expensive life in one place and instead take on a more affordable life in multiple places (countries). We would spend less time apart for the purposes of learning and working to do so while together, moving at our own pace, according to what was right for us as a family and as individuals. And I recently factored in saving to buy an unconventional home (a tiny house) outright to eliminate the debt and commitment that comes with the purchase of a traditional home, and the senselessness that exists by renting a home that will never be ours. With the amount of research, pros and cons lists, and exploration that I put in prior to setting these goals, I often feel confident with my decisions and plans. In addition, I have always believed that my resilience, hard work, and dedication to my life success have proven my ability to make the most challenging situations into something polished. Although these are my sentiments, it’s not something that everyone can see. And because of this, I often feel pressured to explain and respond to tough criticism regarding my life plans, although I understand that I don’t have to.

“No traditional school for your child? No 9-5 job? No plan to purchase a traditional home? Extended travel for months at a time?” These are some of the questions I’m often asked with pre-judgment, from those inquiring. I was once told that my plans and lifestyle are “careless” and “irresponsible”. The only reasoning I was provided was because there is “no stability and foundation” for my family based on my plans. And for the longest time I thought about these two concepts: stability and foundation and how subjective they are. From person to person, these things have different meanings. From person to person, our needs, wants, and circumstances all differ. So we should therefore strive to attain whatever it is that satisfies these things for us individually. As much as I believed in the past, that this is what most people do, I learned otherwise during the course of answering questions and responding to criticism about my practices. I started to feel as if I was viewed in a negative light for wanting to live an alternative lifestyle with benefits for my entire family. And this was quite bothersome because people have provided me little support for why they believe what I am striving for to be so careless. Thankfully such feedback hasn’t changed my mind about what I hope to accomplish and I am grateful for these conversations.

I have engaged in numerous talks (many happening thanks to my shares here on Millennial Mom) where I have clarified many misconceptions regarding some of my family practices such as homeschooling, extended travel, and journeying to live tiny. I have given many people something to think about and have received great responses … even from complete strangers. In addition to the many other things that I value, such dialogue is important to me. As I constantly evaluate my practices vs. my purpose (blog post coming soon) I hope to encourage others, and stimulate more independent thinking and living.

In my 30- years (I just celebrated another year on 5/22), here’s what I have discovered. As a people we’ve gotten too accustomed to following an outline, the majority, or the norm; being told what to think and how; feeling pressured to live a particular lifestyle out of fear, straying away from doing our own searching, and failing to truly follow what our hearts want. In my counseling work and personal life, I see this pattern too often. I repeatedly learn about the dreams that people wish they followed, why they didn’t, and the mistakes they made. Pressure from parents, desire to please the spouse, need to comfort the kids… all common responses I’ve heard about reasons dreams and plans got away from people on particular paths. I’m eager to not make this my life as I value maintaining genuine happiness and persistently attaining new knowledge much more than following what society believes is right for me. I am dedicated to navigating life’s journey according to my purpose. So I have regular check-ins with my heart and present my findings to my brain. Recently after doing so, I had to ask myself a series of questions to see just where I stand in relation to tho AD.

This clean illustration by lawyer and cartoonist Victor Chew captures how I view the AD oh too well!!! @victorexpat IG

Is it responsible to purchase a home or car that I’ll have to work and pay for, for a significant part of my life? Maybe

Is this something I could do? Yes, miserably and uncomfortably

Is this something I want to do? Absolutely not.

Is it considered “living” to me if I settle in one place, commit to working for 40 plus years at job to secure retirement and pay for material things? Not At All!!!

Here’s why:

In my life I hope to continue making as many countries in the world, our home! I’d rather pay for my children to live like royalty at a price that leaves me feeling content rather than fearful. I wish to eliminate the stress from my husband, of having to work long hard hours just to cover our basic expenses. I will live and love in a space that provides just what my family needs at a cost that allows me to make greater investments… like the purchase of farmland that my daughter asked me about, one year ago where we will one day park a tiny home and grow what our stomachs and hearts desire. I yearn for the freedom to go where my heart leads me and where the universe calls me without any burdens to hold me back. All of this is for the purpose of our genuine happiness that I first wrote about at the start of Millennial Mom. And that comes with making more memories minus all the materials, seeing new places, people, and cultures, and continuing to find peace in our minds and body, in nature. Today I’m just praying for my family’s continued faith that there is more than one way, and their understanding that the universe always has our backs. I’m far from crazy, or lazy, or careless. I’m simply trying to help my family grow without sacrificing the things that mean the most.

So the the masses that say, “grow your roots”, my roots are grounded! My trunk is grown, my branches are in place… just wait for the twigs and leaves/flowers to come. They will be a beauty and with the seasons they will change 🙏🏾. (As if I don’t have a enough to do, I am in the process of painting an oil on canvas piece as self-therapy, that I’ll call Tea’s Tree. I will share in a future post when I’m finished so look out for that.) And the people who see me as a “gypsy”, I’m flattered, thank you!

It felt good sharing this with my readers. I hope you take away the message that not everyone is going to get you. But don’t let that hinder you from doing you. We all know what’s best for us and although our choices may not always reflect that, they are things that we must live with and learn from 💙. If this post gave you a thought, or inspiration, drop a comment or emoji below (I love them). Have questions, advice, or feedback? Let a mama know. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Instead of buying your children all the things you never had, you should teach them all the things you were never taught. Material wears out but knowledge stays” – Bruce Lee

Before Millennial Mom, the Story I Never Told You: scar on my mind

“Is there a reason why you don’t like yourpart on the right side? “Yea because of this ugly scar… you may not notice it but it bothers me”

After an amazing weekend with friends and family, and a soul refreshing day with two great friends on Friday, the idea of family and the significance of an individual’s personal story has again been heavy on my mind. This blog post related to my story and family has been a draft for several weeks now. I was simply waiting for the right time to publish it. Following the week that I’ve had, now feels just right. Before I jump in and tell you how family and my story connect, I must mention like I’ve done in past posts, just how amazing the universe is! You put things out there and what you put out comes back to you full circle. I’m always so amazed by this law of attraction and don’t know that I’ll ever not be surprised by it. I’ve recently been asking God for my family’s collaborative effort in rebuilding bonds and this was my exact experience this month. I reconnected with several family members whom I’ve shied away from in very interesting ways (a post for another day) and so far it’s been great. I do not believe in coincidences and know for a fact that this was the universe giving me what I need and asked for. Now moving right along to what I really came to share.

My “mini me” fishing for the first time with my dad 💙

Me and my “little” cousin, who sparked a deep conversation with me one night at a party, about the importance of family and letting go of the past. I love you Rach 💙

Recently I thought about my personal story and the story that I have shared thus far on Millennial Mom. From what I’ve told here, I have given the world a small picture about who I am as a young mother, new wife, blogger, business-minded woman, homeschooling parent, traveler, and millennial all about an unorthodox lifestyle. However, it was after talking to my barber during my bi-weekly hair cut (stayed tuned for my upcoming series Millennial Mom Glam: I am not my hair) last month, that I realized that I barely touched on the story of my life/significant experiences before I became a mom, in any of my work here on MM. I am not sure why this is but in my journey to inspire, this part of my life cannot be omitted! My life story is one that many of my readers would be surprised to learn because of the product that they see me as today. I’m far from the finished product that I hope to become and commit to growing every day. On this journey that I’m currently on, I dedicate myself to sharing more of my story before Millennial Mom; one with important lessons that any reader (male, female, young or old) can learn from. So let me take you back a little bit to one of thee most challenging times in my life. A time when I was physically and emotionally weak, infantile, and in pain with so much more on my mind… my senior year in high school.

Me on the day that I interviewed with Project Dream Foundation 🙏🏾

Yes I was once a cheerleader but track and field was what I excelled at!

My senior year in high school was hands down a struggle for me. It had nothing to do with my grades or performance because I was always sure I worked hard to receive nothing less than a B; I graduated school with a 3.8 GPA. It was not because I was lost and uncertain about my next move; colleges were lined up and I was 100% certain about my career path. In fact, I am now working in my field of study and love it. My struggle wasn’t due to friendships as those were on point and I had a small circle of girls who I frequented the mall with, had dinner dates with, and attended school functions with. Those same girls are my closest friends today. I was a scholar athlete and school musician and for the most part I loved my school life. Out of the two places where typical 17-year olds spend the most time (home and school), I felt right at home in school. However, home for me didn’t feel like home at all. While the friends I knew were enjoying the fact that the day that we all had been waiting for was drawing near, I had other things on my mind. My family life was “different” for reasons that I won’t disclose now. (As I continue on the road to rebuilding some broken relationships, I will keep the nature of some family issues private). As a result of this, I spent my senior year living with relatives and working very hard to be sure that I would be able to survive after school ended. I wasn’t in regular contact with either of my parents during this time; particularly my mother. Because of this, one of my worries was how I was going to pay for college. This gave me great anxiety. And there were smaller problems on my list of issues which were bigger than the issue of where college funds would come from. One of those “smaller” issues being that I had not seen my doctor for a year. Another of them being that I suffered from chronic migraines and I took Excedrin as if it were candy. However, I spent the year just dealing with those problems because to me they were minor and I wanted to focus on the bigger one.

In April of senior year, the best news came to me. I would be able to pay for college as I was the recipient of several scholarships totaling over $65,000 (to be blogged about another time). One of those scholarships came from an organization called Project Dream Foundation. I was published in the local newspaper after being selected for this award. Another award came from Burger King which posted a picture of me in our local chain, and another from my father’s worker’s union. The day I learned this news, my mom reached out to me while I was at school. We planned to visit with each other that week. When we got together we talked for hours and I brought up my persisting migraines. My mom immediately made me a doctor’s appointment. Following the appointment I was scheduled for an MRI. After the MRI, results that were slated to come back in a week came back in a day. I was asked to come back for further testing and it was ultimately found that I had a small brain tumor on my cerebellum. This was heartbreaking news for me with prom and graduation approaching. I was scared, very sad and not sure what this meant for my future. I met with a neurologist who advised that the best thing to do was operate being that I was experiencing symptoms including the migraines and problems with coordination. My surgery was scheduled for the day following graduation. At the appointment I was shocked and it took a few days to absorb what I learned. How would I finish the school year strong knowing this? What did this mean for my college plans? I was unsure about everything and depressed…

And now I’m in tears as I write this so please stay tuned for pt. II. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

A picture of me in the local newspaper from an insert about the Octet I played in outside of school.

Pregnancy After the Nine: Preparing for baby number two

After nine interesting years with just one child, I decided to try for baby number two. Being the person that I am, I assumed “I did it once, I’ll do it again no problem… piece of cake, piece of pie”. WRONG!!! Pregnancy after waiting nine long years for me was like being a first time expecting mother again. Ohhh the things I forgot and had to remember and ohhh the new things I had to learn as part of a new pregnancy. This journey was one for the books to say the least and one I will never forget.

The Morning Sickness: Could someone have warned me about this sickness that presents morning, noon, and night? I mean I heard some moms talk about it before and I simply thought that maybe they were exaggerating when they referenced throwing up their brains all day. However, I quickly learned how serious this monstrous sickness was when I could not eat or smell anything without sprinting to the nearest bathroom or trash receptacle. For the first five months of this pregnancy I looked and felt like death! Then it was the daily struggle with…

The Back Pain and Leg Pain: During my first pregnancy I felt like a spring chicken and I was. At 19-years old, not much changed for me. I did all of my regular activities including dance, worked my full-time nannying job up until a couple of weeks before my delivery, and maintained my household duties. This go round, I was waddling like a duck early on, lifting my legs by hand to help me cross them, struggling to get from point A to B, and sometimes barely making it to the restroom. Was it my age? Was I out of shape? I started hitting the gym until I could not stand it any longer, being extremely mindful of what I ate, and constantly thinking about why I felt the way I did. For a while I was frustrated and a little hard on myself until I learned the hard way from pushing myself a little too much and not listening to my body.

Unfortunately, I experienced complications during this pregnancy that left my husband and I fearing pre-term labor or worse. I was so sad because I kept referencing my age until I learned that complications during pregnancy can happen to anyone. I was forced to stop working earlier than planned and was put on bed rest. All the things I loved and wanted to do were put on hold. Simple things like doing the laundry, cooking for my family, taking my daughter to school each morning, or even going for a walk were a no no. I really had to refocus my mind, accept what was happening, and take things more seriously. I ultimately hired help to clean my house when needed and accepted the help from family and friends which is typically hard for me to do. Every week that I made it further into my pregnancy, I thanked God.

We were blessed to make it to 37 weeks which was the milestone my doctors and specialist were praying for; and would you believe that the day before I reached 37 weeks, my car was hit by a crazy driver which sent me to the hospital by ambulance. Upon my arrival to the hospital I learned that I was 6 cm dilated. I returned home after being held for a few hours and gave birth to my son two days later. We welcomed our little prince A’Brahm ILian Pakanayev into the world on July 2nd, 2018 at 12:02 pm. Following the birth of my son, it seemed like my love for my “mini me” grew especially when watching her interact with her brother. I was so thankful and humbled. I thought it was pretty awesome being a mommy of one but the feeling “mommying” two, is even better.

As I sit here watching my little munchkins sleep peacefully, I’m simply happy that I was blessed with a healthy little one at the conclusion of this pregnancy, who has brought a new joy into our lives. I learned that every pregnancy is different and comes with its own challenges. However, the beauty of it all makes the entire journey well worth it. My experience from this go round will definitely be in the front, back, and corners of my mind if and when we plan for baby number three. Stayed tuned! Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Navigating the Family Court System pt. II: success as a self-taught lawyer

After my finances put me in a position to no longer afford an attorney to represent me in my custody/visitation battle, I had to really get creative. I was often fearful that representing myself as a layperson could put me in a position to lose my case due to my limited knowledge about law and legal procedures. However, losing was not an option for me as I felt that I was fighting for the well-being of my little one. So I prepared to continue navigating the family court system with the help of resources such as YouTube, Google, legal websites, blogs, and a movie or two with a major court scene. While the opposing side in my case was led and advised by a legal professional with a degree, years of work experience, and a formal education in the area of law, I was at a disadvantage lacking all of that. However, I was bound to be successful in my case as a “self-taught lawyer” and that is just what I did.

A face of resilience, dedication, and intelligence often underestimated. The cover to this book vaguely depicts whats underneath… never judge.

For several months, I spent endless hours preparing for my trial date on evenings after work and even on weekends. I would be busy researching how to present evidence in court, how to address the judge and court personnel, and learning what I was allowed to say and what I was not. I would watch clips on YouTube from court scenes where I closely examined attorneys, took notes on the types of questions they asked and the ways in which they would ask them, and admired their confidence. I read legal websites with information on family court cases and took advantage of their “frequently asked questions” tabs. I reached out to attorneys in my neighborhood who provided free legal services and met with them to discuss my case. I used their feedback to tailor things in my case where necessary. After extensive research and studying, I began intensively applying what I learned to my own case. I reviewed the timeline of events that I created and made sure I had evidence to support what I was saying (phone records, text messages, police reports, etc). I created an outline which included a strong opening statement, when to call for witnesses, and when to present information to the judge. I prepared a list of significant questions for “Parent B” based on some of the accusations he outlined in his petition; and based off of knowing him as a person and being able to predict the things that he is likely to say. Some questions included asking “Parent B” to share the telephone number he would call when he wanted to speak with A’Bree; a list of his addresses for six years; information pertaining to our little one’s academic and extracurricular activities; proof of support he provides for her; a timeline of his visitation schedule; etc. After this step in my preparation process, I started practicing for trial day with the help of close friends, my mother, and my older sister. Everyone laughed that I had labeled myself a “self-taught lawyer” but were impressed when they listened to the case I had built. They commended me for the work that I put in and my mother always commented that not even a trained lawyer would have gone to the lengths that I did for the best outcomes in my case. I often agreed with my mom because who knew my story better than I did? and who would be able to present it as passionately as I could? The answer is no one and the only issue for me was overcoming the fact that conversations in the courtroom would be much different from the ones that I had at my dining room table. My presentation would be everything and was a very important part of the case. I must admit that I was worried however, after months of planning and doing extensive footwork in my case, I was beginning to feel more and more confident. Trial day would ultimately determine how prepared I truly was and would prove whether or not the work I did was useful.

Court Binder — Every I dotted and every T crossed! My biggest resource in navigating the court system… my “story book”.

Trial day finally arrived for me in the summer of 2016 and I made sure to show up and show out. As I prepared to head to the courthouse, I was certain that my hair was sleek and I was dressed in one of my Sunday’s best. I had my documents and trial outline ready to go and I was prepared for whatever was going to come. After things in the courtroom took off running, it was evident that all parties underestimated me and were not prepared for the circles I danced around “Parent B” and his representation. Their opening statements argued that I had denied “Parent B” parenting time with A’Bree in the form of visits and phone calls. As a result, they requested that I be held in contempt of court for my actions. In contrast, my opening statement affirmed that “Parent B” had only been denied parenting time following irrational and inconsistent behavior placing myself and my “mini me” in danger. I made sure to highlight that he was known to frequently disappear, known to behave dangerously in the presence of A’Bree, and known to not provide child support as ordered; leaving the responsibility of caring for our daughter and transporting her to visits to fall solely on me. I informed the court that what I was alleging would become clear after I presented all my evidence, questioned “Parent B”, and called my witnesses. I was as confident as I could ever be and happy that one of my biggest supporters was sitting in the courtroom and watching my performance; my uncle Terry.

Unc 3 — A man who has always made me laugh, been there for me whenever I needed him, and proved the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” correct… My Uncle Terry.

Unc — My uncle Terry and his beautiful family!

On trial day, “Parent B” and his representation had the opportunity to present their arguments first being that they were the petitioners. Their presentation was relatively short and I wondered why “Parent B” decided to bring a case against me with such little support and evidence for what he was arguing. However, I was ready to share the truth and I had people and documentation to back me. After “Parent B” took the stand and stated that I kept our child from him and wanted me to pay for what I had done, I had the opportunity to question him. This is when the circus began and when my “self-taught lawyer” skills came into play. In response to “Parent B” ‘s argument that I denied him visits with A’Bree, I read him a list of dates that I had kept track of in a journal where I allowed him to see our daughter and asked if he recalled them; he reported that he did. In efforts to challenge his statement that I denied him phone contact with our little one, I asked him to provide the court with the telephone number that he would call in order to speak to A’Bree however, he was unable to do so and stated that he deleted the number. I then presented him with text messages that he sent to me a few months prior to the trial date, asking to re-enter a sexual and romantic relationship with me; he acknowledged that the texts in fact came from him. When I asked why he texted me more concerned about a romantic relationship rather than building a relationship with our daughter, he commented that he still loved me and wanted to have more children together. When I questioned him about incidents where he failed to return A’Bree back to my custody after visits, he denied such occurrences and it was perfect timing for me to present police reports. Lastly when I highlighted occasions when he behaved aggressively and irrationally in the presence of our daughter, he did not deny it. What had unfolded in the courtroom to me was a clear indicator of “Parent B” ‘s mental health and instability. There was nothing more for me to argue as his testimony said it all. Following my questions for “Parent B”, the court called for an adjournment at the request of his attorney. I took it that they needed time to discuss what I had presented in addition to “Parent B” ‘s inconsistent responses. I took the opportunity to converse with my uncle who had been watching the show and to regather myself for my testimony and witnesses when trial resumed. It was evident that I was leading in the case based on my consistency and preparation. “Parent B” on the other hand was very much unprepared even with legal representation and the inconsistencies in his story were countless.

Following the adjournment in my case, I called my mother and older sister as witnesses to the stand; two people who have observed several occasions where “Parent B” behaved irrationally in the presence of our daughter and subjected me to abuse. My mother descriptively noted times where “Parent B” verbally assaulted her, failed to return my “mini me” back home, and moved to and from new addresses in short spans of time. She argued her interest to assure that my little one saw her father but also discussed her concerns about how such a relationship has been harmful. After she stated her peace she left the courtroom. Next came testimony from my sister about her experiences with “Parent B”. She too detailed his history of aggression and unstable behaviors. She even retold the story of a time when “Parent B” locked me in an apartment after assaulting me and she came to my aid along with police. After she left the stand, it was my turn to share my experiences. I came prepared with dates when “Parent B” moved and was unable to be contacted; a list of multiple the times where he cancelled scheduled visits with poor reasoning; times where he assaulted me in the presence of my baby girl; times where he threatened to harm me during visit exchanges; and dates where my daughter requested to call home or be returned home during a visit and he denied her. It was such a relief to present the truth and prove to the court that I was not the spiteful and vindictive mother that “Parent B” had painted me to be. The truth was that I simply saw the instability and dangers that he posed to our little one and wanted him to work towards bettering himself before building a relationship with A’Bree. I made what I believed to be a reasonable request to the court and asked that “Parent B” ‘s home be inspected before visits could take place and asked that he undergo a psychological evaluation and participate in treatment if needed. I looked into the eyes of his attorney as I made these requests because “Parent B” hung his head throughout the course of my testimony. His attorney’s eyes said much more than words could have. As I stepped down from the stand, although tears fell from my face I felt free. After months of fighting in the courts, facing hardship, and waiting for a resolve I had spoken my truth. It was now a matter of waiting and hoping that the court would make a determination that was in the best interests of A’Bree.

mom, sister, and Bree — My rock despite rough times, the matriarch in our family, the woman who I look up to, the woman with a story not much different from mine, and the woman who gave me life and helped me through hard times… My mama.

After trial ended, A’Bree had an opportunity to speak to the judge along with her attorney. Although I had gone through this tumultuous court battle for months, I kept her ignorant to what was happening. The questions from her following her interaction with the judge and her attorney were overwhelming however, I was happy that I did not have to expose her to what was actually going on. She immediately understood and her maturity was a blessing to me during this time. She shared her thoughts and feelings with the court and when it was over we, waited for the court’s decision and tried to recover from the process.

In November of 2016, I received the court’s decision and it was a relief to learn that I had come out on top. It was decided that A’Bree would remain in my custody and visits with “Parent B” would resume following a psychological evaluation, drug screening, and his participation in anger management. Truth had prevailed and after months of fear and anxiety I had successfully navigated the family court system and reached success as a self-taught lawyer. Although this is still where things stand today, I understand that I can easily find myself back in the family court in the near future. However, I am content that I was able to share my story and grateful that other, reasonable adults saw what I have experienced for the past six years. Every day I pray for “Parent B” to one day be in a place to be the best for our little one. In the interim, I am healing and working to move forward with my life. I am continuing to find myself, prioritize our happiness, and provide my baby girl stability and all the things that she has ever dreamed of. This experience has taught me many lessons that I will always apply in life when things are tough, when doors don’t easily open, and when I am in need of something that I must work hard to get. I vow to also teach my little one the same.

No matter how old she gets, I will forever be her rock and she will always find comfort in my arms.

Thank you for taking time to read my story! I hope that I have been an inspiration to at least one person along the way. I always say that although I have gone through so much in this life, I am dedicated to finding a lesson in my experiences and applying it to my life going forward. My purpose in this life is not complete unless I do so and also make efforts to help someone else. Millennial Mom is dedicated to doing just that. In closing, this article is the end of my series on navigating the family court system. It is also an end to my shares about my past in regards to my past relationship and that struggle. In the days to come, I will be sharing much more exciting things about my road to healing, bonding with my “mini me”, happiness in my new relationship, travels, and much more. So stay tuned for what is to come.

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Navigating the Family Court System: “yes your honor”

In a matter of 18-months, I mastered how to move through the New York Family Court system initially by using my knowledge as a layperson. I found myself involved there not by choice, but after it was alleged by “parent B” that I kept our daughter away from him for several years. “Parent B” was fighting against me for custody and the right to visits until custody was decided. Obviously the courts were unaware of our history and all the rights and visits that I had afforded “parent B” prior to him petitioning them. I understood that it would be my responsibility to inform the court of our background during a trial however, I was unaware of the treacherous battle that was ahead of me. Nor was I familiar with the politics in family court but boy did I learn very quickly. And for a time period that I found to be way too long, I was before a court telling my truth. Although, it was one of thee most uncomfortable and nerve-wracking experiences in my life, I was determined to endure through it. Especially after I was presented with the false allegations against me. After hearing the “alternative facts” that my daughter’s father entered into court documents, I was angry but ready to tell my story. And I vowed that I would do so based on the actual facts while remembering to keep my emotions out of the process. When questioned by the judge about my readiness to proceed in the case against me, I confidently responded “yes your honor”. I was extremely afraid and uncertain of what would come next. But I was motivated knowing that I was going battle on behalf of my “mini me” for the years of chaos, abuse, and instability we endured with “parent B”.

Her smile has always been a personal reminder that I am doing something right.

Before things in my court case took off running, I had to learn the politics of the court system and come to terms with it. There were so many practices and procedures that I did not understand or agree with; many of which I found to make absolutely no sense. For instance, hearings would sometimes be scheduled for a particular date and time and on the day of proceedings things would last 10 -15 minutes before an adjournment was issued; only for me to arrive at the next appearance and experience the same thing. This for me was a nuisance especially since I was traveling from three hours away to be present for court in the county where “parent B” petitioned. Court days for me were a huge expense as I would have to miss work to travel and would lose out on my day’s pay of $240. I was responsible for paying our nanny to work extra hours so that she could look after Bree in my absence, and I had pay for gas and tolls in order to make my trip to the court. Initially things were doable but then my case started to drag out longer than I believed necessary. My employer then began to question my frequent need to request time off and I was very worried. The financial aspect of my court battle was burdensome not to mention the ways in which my case impacted me mentally. Things did not stop there and as I started to lose out on money in this process, I had to seek out assistance options available to people in my situation. Sadly, what I found was both mind-blowing and discouraging.

With life’s lemons, we have always been thee most dynamic duo to have made the most amazing lemonade.

In efforts to better work through my case and address the hardship I was facing while attempting to attend court appearances, I started to look for programs that could aid or advise me. I found plenty of assistance in my neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York willing to offer me help. Unfortunately these programs could not serve me if my case was in another county. So, I considered help in the county where my case was being heard but learned that there were no special programs like the ones I located in New York City. There also was no assistance in New York State for working mothers at certain income levels. After learning this, I was so discouraged but believed that an attorney could better assist me. However, after several consultations the expense to hire an attorney was far more than what I could afford. I was denied a court appointed attorney on the basis that I made “too much money” and none of my expenses as a single parent were even considered in this determination although I presented them. I was not in receipt of any child support at the time, I lived in one of the most expensive cities in New York, I was being forced to travel and miss work on days that there were scheduled court appearances, and I was responsible for caring for myself and my daughter on solely one income. As much as these factors impacted me, they were not important to the court in determining my need. In this process of my case, I felt very lost and it appeared that there was no help for me.

aunt and Unc — Two people who have always given us their unwavering support in our darkest moments… Our aunt Mona and uncle Terry.

In contrast to the hardship that I was facing, it seemed that “parent B” navigated the court system with such ease. Not based on any work that he had personally done but because he was afforded several resources due to his circumstances; resources that I do not believe he even appreciated. He was granted several legal aid attorneys on various occasions due to his income level. Not one, not two, but three court appointed attorneys who he disrespected in court proceedings and then dismissed whenever he was unhappy. Many days I sat in the courtroom in shock about the circus “parent B” was able to create with very little consequences to follow. In addition, he was able to conveniently travel 10-minutes to the courthouse and lost very little in the process of our case. He was unemployed (by choice) and did not have a routine to support our daughter financially, pick-up her up from school, or pay her childcare/afterschool fees. All of these things were things I had managed for many years and court days made it even harder from me. It seemed to me that it would have been in the best interests of all three of us if our custody battle was fought in NYC where Bree and I lived. “Parent B” would still receive the same resources that he was granted in the county where he petitioned, if not more. In that event, I too would have had access to resources due to the increased number of legal aid programs available in NYC; and I would be able to continue carrying out my daily duties as a mom even on days that I had court. Such a change would cause me to lose less money. and I would only need to travel one hour by train to the courthouse; “parent B” would have needed to travel two.

After thinking things through, I entered a motion for a change of venue based on the fact that a change would better benefit everyone involved but sadly my request was denied. I did not understand the reason for the denial and again I found the politics of the family court to be troublesome. Had I been the individual weighing in on our case, I would have considered all the factors presented in my motion for a change of venue as I believed what I outlined to be very reasonable. My alternative option to transfer the case to NYC was one that I thought could better reach a resolution which considered myself, “parent B”, and Bree. However, decisions were made only in favor of “parent B” who I believe has been winning for many years and facing no consequences for his negative and irresponsible conduct. It was argued by one of his attorneys that he could not afford to travel to my jurisdiction for court proceedings due to financial hardship and it appeared that my hardship was meaningless. The court agreed with what “parent B” ‘s attorney argued and disregarded the fact that Bree and I lived in NYC for over three years. They also failed to consider the fact that “parent B” had just relocated back to the county after he had gone MIA for over three years. As upset as all of this made me and as much as I found it to be unfair, I was determined to keep pushing. There was no space for meltdowns or tantrums in the process of what I needed to get accomplished.

Bree is free — Moments like these have always given me motivation to keep going through our hardship… I am the happiest mom in the world when I see my little one soar.

Overtime, my court process was beginning to anger me especially as I felt like no end was in sight. But then one day “parent B” failed to appear for trial day and the judge decided to dismiss the case. I was so relieved as I felt that I could return to work, make up for the money that I had lost during the months that my case dragged on, and overall put things behind me. However, after two short weeks I was notified again with another petition to repeat the court process. “Parent B” had re-petitioned the courts to fight for custody again and notified me that he would ultimately make my life hell. As much as I was frustrated and tired, in a way I admired “parent B” ‘s dedication. I simply did not understand why he failed to show these qualities in the years prior. And with much stress and discouragement I proceeded to take on this journey again. After my experience from the first go around, I knew I had to secure an attorney as my efforts to accomplish things as a layperson in the previous proceedings were not enough. I worried that I would lose my job if I informed my employer that I was back in the court system and in need of days off, and believed that an attorney could help me with this issue. I knew that I was unable to pay the full-price of what an attorney cost so I reached out and bargained with different legal professionals. I offered to do all of the leg work in my case in exchange of receiving a discounted rate. Luckily, I found an attorney who was willing to take on my case. After retaining her, I prepared a legal binder containing timelines of events from a journal I maintained over the years; text messages and emails from “parent B”, statements from teachers, family, and friends, police reports, reports from Child Protective Services, and records showing the lack of support we received from “parent B” over the years. The binder was like my storybook. It was a resource holding the details of my life story for a period of over six years. All of the documents were things that brought my story to life and sadly throughout my court case I was reliving the struggle and trauma I already suffered through. Fortunately, throughout my trial, I had the unwavering support of key figures in my life including my best friends, my aunt and uncle, my mother, and my older sister.

Unfortunately, as the case dragged on I could no longer afford to pay my attorney per court appearance even at the discounted rate. I ultimately had to dismiss her although I felt that I would greatly benefit from having her. However, I had to use what I learned during previous hearings to make out the best I could on my own. During the time that my attorney and I worked together, I watched her very closely grasping as much as I could on how to present information to the court and how to address the judge, attorneys, and “parent B”. I feared that I could very well lose my case based on my limited knowledge of law. However, I quickly pushed such negative thoughts out of my mind. Not knowing was not going to be the reason that I failed. All of the things that I did not know, I was going to find out…

Stay tuned for my next post: Navigating the Family Court System pt. II: achieving success as a self-taught lawyer.

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom