adversity – Page 2 – Millennial Mom

Co-Parenting with the “Conflictual”: now you see me… now you don’t

As a full-time mama, disappearing somewhere as I felt the need was never something that crossed my mind. Nor would it ever be something I could successfully pull off if I ever even thought of doing such a thing. “Mommying” for me has always meant being dedicated to my little one and balancing all other aspects of my life around this role. For years I have described my daughter and I as a duo; a two-for-one special. I have always told others that I do not come alone and I am instead a packaged deal. In whatever I do in life, my daughter is always included. She is the reason for all that I do and she is always my central focus. Even before becoming a mama, and while bonding with my baby as she was growing in my belly, this was my mindset. The positive feelings that I felt about my daughter before even meeting her and the joy I felt about assuming a parenting role, caused me to naively believed that all parents (mothers and fathers) felt this way. Unfortunately, it was not until after having my daughter and separating from her father (“parent B”) that I realized this was a false perception. Making efforts to co-parent with “parent B” often assumed much of my time and energy as I was clearly the parent who made Bree the center of my world while “parent B” had another agenda. It was when Bree and I began going through the motions of “now you see me… now you don’t” with “parent B” that I realized that not every parent places their child(ren) as a top priority.

This picture truly symbolizes the bond that Bree and I share… she has always been my strength whenever I was in a challenging position… practicing flexibility together, Spring 2015.

For approximately four years, I tolerated the frequent disappearances and instability of “parent B”. It was always as if he was wanting for us to chase him. At times he could be located and other times no… playing this game of “now you see me… now you don’t”. I had already begun to accept the role of single-parenting and worked hard not to let the actions of “parent B” impact what I needed to do. However, I cannot say that his actions did not puzzle me. When offered visits with our daughter, he would accept them sporadically. Although he knew that telephone calls were the one way to consistently maintain contact with our daughter, he failed to call or keep a working number. His address frequently changed and sometimes, for months at a time his whereabouts were unknown. And then like magic, he would appear again with a new phone number and residence, ready to parent again. Being the person I am, I always allowed for him to pick-up where he left off whenever he would disappear and return into our lives again. I was supportive of his efforts to have a father-daughter relationship with Bree and would not keep that from him. I continued to allow my parents to assist with the arrangements of visits to remain out of the equation and to protect myself from any harassment. Sadly, whenever I believed things were progressing I was surprised by another disappearance. The pattern continued for some time and overtime I became familiar with it. It was something I did not understand but I was happy to know that it did not hinder me from my “Mommying” tasks. My “mini me” was well taken care of and appeared to be thriving well in a my care. I accepted “parent B”, his instability, and limited effort to signify the fact that parenting was not a priority for him. And with that understanding I carried on with my life until “parent B”one day reappeared and this time with demands and expectations that I found unreasonable.

The smile of a very happy child. During a time when I was working overtime to try and fill the voids in her life… Winter, 2015.

Although “parent B” failed to show any consistency or concern for the life of our daughter for several months, he one day contacted me interested in resuming visits and picking up where he had fell off before. I was again open to being the giver of chance number I -cannot-count. However, things in my life had changed; Bree and I had relocated to another city, Bree had enrolled in a new school, and resuming visits with “parent B” that were once easy and convenient for him would now require more of his effort. Now like many human-beings who find themselves in a position of discomfort, “parent B” began to complain and wreak havoc. I in-turn was met with questions about why I relocated from the country to the city; why I enrolled Bree in a school in a particular neighborhood; why I left Bree in the care of a nanny while I worked; why I worked in a correctional facility, in addition to a number of other questions. I found all the questions to be reasonable coming from a father but unreasonable coming from a father who selectively chose when he wished to be involved. I questioned where he was in the process of my parenting; where his financial support had been when I was considering schooling and childcare options; and altogether asked when he had ever been a dependable parent making efforts to give my “mini me” the best life possible. Of course I was met with excuses and no real answers. However, I really wasn’t in need of answers as I posed questions I had already had the answers to. I did not need details or specifics, all I knew is that my baby girl was not the center of “parent B” ‘s world. It was for this reason that I respectfully told “parent B” that he could not present after a multiple year hiatus, spent playing “now you see me… now you don’t”, to begin dictating what he did and did not like about the life I created for Bree. And with great disagreement and upset, “parent B” made it clear that “I was going to pay”. In his words, I had taken his daughter away from him and would be punished for my actions.

Little did I know that paying meant that I would spend eighteen months in the family court system fighting to tell my story; and fighting to get support as a single mother who had been dealing with the negative actions of the “conflictual” parent for far too long. It was a roller coaster ride that I definitely wasn’t prepared for.

I always find comfort cuddling next to her… being silly in our tent at Promise Land State Park, Summer 2015.

Stay tuned for my coming series: Navigating the family court system: “yes your honor”

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

In October of 2016, my “mini me”, the love of my life, and I made a huge leap. We left behind our lives in New York City, packed our backpacks, and set out to travel South and Central America for seven months. Our journey away is not the typical travel/vacation that most people imagine. We have yet to stay in one place during our course of travel and much of our journey has been done on a budget. We have moved about five different countries thus far, living out of our backpacks, lodging in various types of accommodation from luxury apartments, to hotels, to hostels. It’s been an AMAZING journey to say the least. Traveling with a child based on our style of travel has been both a unique and challenging experience. All in all, our excursion was planned and executed to meet my baby girl’s dream of traveling and seeing more of the world. This journey is also very much related to my dream of traveling which I put on hold after I became a mother. Despite how different our experience has been from the lives we live at home and despite the challenges that come with the traveling lifestyle, I’d say it is well worth it. But before I share more about the challenges and the things that have made this nomadic journey so special, I must first share the reason why I gave up everything I owned, left my career of six years behind, withdrew my “mini me” from school, and hit the road. My story is one that I hope serves as an example that there is no one way to journey through this life; when a path presents a road block simply find an alternative way.

Whenever I share my current experience and new lifestyle with others (backpacking with a 7-year-old through 6 countries, home/worldschooling, and working from home), I am often met with responses showing that others are intrigued, fascinated, inspired, and eager to know more. I am also frequently met with critical questions such as “why would you leave such a great career and life to wander? weren’t you scared? what will you do when it’s all over?; questions that I find somewhat realistic and very much in touch with how I believe most mothers, working professionals, and Americans feel. However, I would not consider myself your typical mother, would argue that I am different from the average working professional, and believe I am someone difficult to compare to the average American. To answer the questions often posed to me as a traveling and homeschooling mom, I gave up my career, lifestyle, and everything I owned for several reasons. Before I share my reasoning for such a change, it is important to note that everything I did came after careful planning, weighing of pros and cons, years of trying various options, and brainstorming of how I could do better for my daughter and myself. During a time when I was a single mother with limited help to provide for my daughter, I realized that I had to find a better way to maintain our household without depending on my family or the “system” to do so. For several years, I tried different options that impacted my daughter and I negatively. The reality is after such trial and error, we were tired. We faced more than enough hardship and challenges throughout our years together, and were ready to throw in the towel. We were sad, bored, and in many ways desperate. In addition to wanting to meet all of our needs and give us better, I was desperately seeking genuine happiness for my little girl and myself; the happiness that I seemed to have forgotten about in my normal life while being overwhelmed with school and work.

Since 2010, my “mini me” and I have had a lot on our plates. We have been pushing every day to stay above water in several aspects of our lives. In 2010, I was in the process of completing a Master’s degree in Forensic Psychology and spent many days away from my little one. I was commuting from upstate New York to New York City for classes at John Jay College. This was my routine three days per week for one year. I would leave home at 5:30 am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and return home after 6:00 pm. On the days that I did not attend classes, I was putting in hours at two internships, completing course work, hitting the gym, doing freelance work to maintain an income, and spending time with my daughter. It was no easy task but I always hustled with the belief that we would one day rise above our hardship. Sadly, my demanding commute and the repeated harassment I experienced from my daughter’s father often times made me feel like I was sinking. However, no matter how bad or tired I felt, I never gave up. I simply made changes in my life as needed. I was determined to be successful to give my “mini me” and I a better life and would do so by any means necessary. One of those means was leaving my baby in the care of my parents (my mother and step-father) for 1.5 years to go into what I call hiding; and to complete my degree with less distractions.

baby-girl-and-i Through it all, I maintained a smile…finding hope in the eyes of my “mini me”

In June of 2011, I relocated from my hometown in Monticello, New York, back to New York City where only my close friends and family knew where to find me. Living in my hometown, I was subjected to threats and harassment from my child’s father after I made the decision to leave him. I did not wish for such factors to hinder me from completing my degree and I wanted to remain safe. During my time in New York I was focused more on finishing my degree and began building a new life for my daughter and I. The two years that I spent finishing my degree were yet more sad and overwhelming times for me. I woke up alone daily, went to school for long hours or worked full-days, and went to bed the same way I awoke. Many nights I cried as I missed my daughter and although I tried to be optimistic, sometimes I did not believe some of the positive affirmations that I told myself. On weekends I traveled to the Catskills from my place of hiding to be with my family and returned home at the end of the weekend. This helped me feel less lonely and less guilty about being away from my daughter. The constant commuting was again no easy task but thankfully the day did finally come where we rose above and moved on from this stage in our lives. I graduated college with honors and completed my degree in Forensic Mental Health. I arranged for my baby girl to move down to NYC into our new and cozy apartment, and enrolled her in pre-school. Following my graduation, I was successful in landing my dream job providing therapy in a correctional facility, putting my degree to use. It appeared that the storm for us was passing and we were entering a state of calm.

One of the best days of my life, Graduation 2013; M.A, John Jay College

From May of 2012 to September of 2016, I worked hard to maintain a beautiful apartment in Brooklyn, New York for myself and my baby girl. In addition, I balanced all of our bills and expenses on my own paying close to $5,000 per month. I juggled school loans, childcare expenses, a car note, extra-curricular activities for Bree, and all of our monthly household and personal expenses. I continued to be optimistic throughout the process, maintaining the mindset that all my hard work would one day pay off. However, like any responsibility that requires hard work and dedication, there comes burnout after some time. After my years of being a dedicated mother, student, and professional, I was truly burned out from the work I was putting in. Although, I was familiar with burnout and mastered techniques to help me temporarily overcome it, I knew it was time to make a change when my little one too began showing signs that she was overwhelmed. Despite my fatigue, it was evident that my hard work was yielding favorable results. However I was still confident that there had to be another way. One of our favorite ways to find a place of calm… outdoors (here we are pictured while camping in Promise Land State Park, PA)

In the winter of 2015, my “mini me” began showing signs that I never saw before. During mornings when I would drop her off to school, she would cry for reasons that I did not understand. When I would pick her up from school, she would spend her evening clinging to me and begging to stay home from school the following day. These behaviors were new to me and one day prompted me to have a talk with Bree. I asked her what changed and her response was simple. She told me that she was TIRED of being away from me, TIRED of spending long hours in school, TIRED of spending dinner time and bath time with her nanny, and TIRED of seeing me tired. This for me was hard to swallow and brought about great sadness. I realized that in my efforts to give my daughter a better life I was causing her loneliness and sadness. In addition, she was trying her hardest to thrive in a single-parent household. This realization was the moment that I knew I had to make changes. I needed to begin brainstorming a plan that would allow Bree and I to live comfortably while spending more time together, a plan that would allow me to still feel that I was successful in my career and making use of my education, and a plan that would allow me to create a life that ultimately allowed Bree and I to be genuinely happy. And so the planning began…

school-and-work School/work days in NYC started something like this

Stay tuned for part II of Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Until next time…

xoxo

Millennial Mom

The Storm Before the Calm: preparing for “mommyhood” following an unexpected pregnancy

The past seven years of my life have been very interesting to say they least. So many challenges and blessings all mixed together. Today I reflect on the past seven years with a heart full of gratitude and the understanding that anything is possible. Before I got to where I am today and before I set out on my current journey with my mini me, we faced much adversity. We were constantly making adjustments in our lives to live the best that we could. Many of those adjustments involved me putting certain dreams on hold to be sure that I was always meeting the needs of A’Bree and putting her first. Travel is one of those dreams that I postponed. It was a dream that I constantly thought about during my college years. I even looked into participating in a study abroad program in Spain to get my travel fix. I was yearning for more culture and experiences that I did not believe I found living in New York City. However, a very strange turn of events changed things for me. My story is one that only few people know but a must share, so let’s start there.

During the start of my sophomore year in college (September of 2008), I took a huge leap and moved out of my dormitory to live with my daughter’s father. I had a rough year prior to my sophomore year as I underwent brain surgery and did not anticipate jumping right into my college career 6 weeks after a major surgery. However, I made it work and was trying my hardest to do everything to pursue my education and be successful. For financial reasons and in efforts not to exhaust the funds from a scholarship I received, I moved out of my dorm with my daughter’s father to save money. In November of 2008 during a routine MRI appointment to follow-up on the post-op conditions of my brain, I learned some very unexpected news. A nurse approached me and told me that I could not proceed with my MRI as my urinary pregnancy test came back positive. Of course I thought she was highly mistaken and had her check the label on the urine sample cup at least two times to compare it to my medical bracelet. And what do you know the information matched and the nurse was not mistaken. My world felt like it had crashed down and I went home in the deepest depression. I felt like I had no one to talk to and my relationship was not the best. I was isolated from my family with a man who was very much abusive in every way. It could not have been a worse time in my life for me to end up pregnant.

As soon as I was able to schedule a doctor’s appointment I did. When I went to the doctor I was told that I was approaching 13 weeks in my pregnancy. I constantly questioned why I presented with no symptoms or signs of pregnancy. I was reminded that discontinuing birth control immediately after my operation could have very well been the reason for this. I was uncertain of what to do and debated in my mind whether or not I would go through with a delivery. I was very lost but time was ticking away for me to make a decision. People around me gave me mixed feedback on what to do. My roommate Jessica Hyman assured me that I’d be a great mom while other friends told me I’d be ruining my life going through with my pregnancy. Despite my crazy circumstances, despite what people had to say, and despite the loneliness and fear that I felt I made MY choice, and I was going to become a mom.

8-months-prego May 2009, 8 months pregnant

As I prepared for “mommyhood” I put my social life and dream of traveling on pause. I could no longer hang with my friends and enjoy the things that young college students should enjoy. I needed to finish my degree before my mini me arrived; that was my priority. In my mind becoming a young mother and college drop-out was not an option. I doubled up on classes and completed my curriculum one semester early. I continued working until I was well into my 8th month of pregnancy. I saved as much money as I could and relocated back to my hometown keeping in mind that country living was more economical and ideal for me raising a child. Sadly a time in my life that should have been one of thee happiest and most exciting times was a very sad and overwhelming time for me. I hid my pregnancy until I began showing at around 8 months and isolated from people who would have probably helped me through such a tough time if only I had talked about it. The sadness however quickly went away from me on June 23rd, 2009 at 9:19 pm; the day that my beautiful daughter A’Bree Inez was born.

june-23 June 23, 2009…. A princess was born

Little did I know that becoming a mother would be one of the best things that ever happened to me. Nor did I know that becoming a young mom would be my motivation to achieve greatness. I call this time in my life, the storm before the calm. Today I can confidently say that becoming a younger mother is hands down one of the most challenging things that I ever faced in my life. However, it’s a life event that can serve as inspiration and motivation. It’s a time period where you find strength that you never knew you had and a time where your ability to be resilient is constantly tested. It does not have to limit or hinder you and it does not mean you give up on your dreams. Postpone things in your life as necessary until you are situated and then keep pushing. And today my friends I can truly say, my mini me and I are pushing.

I hope this story reaches and motivates whoever needed to read it. Know that there is always a calm after the storm. On another note, know that there is so much more to come from me. Until next time…

x0x0

Millennial Mom