domestic violence – Millennial Mom

Navigating the Family Court System pt. II: success as a self-taught lawyer

After my finances put me in a position to no longer afford an attorney to represent me in my custody/visitation battle, I had to really get creative. I was often fearful that representing myself as a layperson could put me in a position to lose my case due to my limited knowledge about law and legal procedures. However, losing was not an option for me as I felt that I was fighting for the well-being of my little one. So I prepared to continue navigating the family court system with the help of resources such as YouTube, Google, legal websites, blogs, and a movie or two with a major court scene. While the opposing side in my case was led and advised by a legal professional with a degree, years of work experience, and a formal education in the area of law, I was at a disadvantage lacking all of that. However, I was bound to be successful in my case as a “self-taught lawyer” and that is just what I did.

A face of resilience, dedication, and intelligence often underestimated. The cover to this book vaguely depicts whats underneath… never judge.

For several months, I spent endless hours preparing for my trial date on evenings after work and even on weekends. I would be busy researching how to present evidence in court, how to address the judge and court personnel, and learning what I was allowed to say and what I was not. I would watch clips on YouTube from court scenes where I closely examined attorneys, took notes on the types of questions they asked and the ways in which they would ask them, and admired their confidence. I read legal websites with information on family court cases and took advantage of their “frequently asked questions” tabs. I reached out to attorneys in my neighborhood who provided free legal services and met with them to discuss my case. I used their feedback to tailor things in my case where necessary. After extensive research and studying, I began intensively applying what I learned to my own case. I reviewed the timeline of events that I created and made sure I had evidence to support what I was saying (phone records, text messages, police reports, etc). I created an outline which included a strong opening statement, when to call for witnesses, and when to present information to the judge. I prepared a list of significant questions for “Parent B” based on some of the accusations he outlined in his petition; and based off of knowing him as a person and being able to predict the things that he is likely to say. Some questions included asking “Parent B” to share the telephone number he would call when he wanted to speak with A’Bree; a list of his addresses for six years; information pertaining to our little one’s academic and extracurricular activities; proof of support he provides for her; a timeline of his visitation schedule; etc. After this step in my preparation process, I started practicing for trial day with the help of close friends, my mother, and my older sister. Everyone laughed that I had labeled myself a “self-taught lawyer” but were impressed when they listened to the case I had built. They commended me for the work that I put in and my mother always commented that not even a trained lawyer would have gone to the lengths that I did for the best outcomes in my case. I often agreed with my mom because who knew my story better than I did? and who would be able to present it as passionately as I could? The answer is no one and the only issue for me was overcoming the fact that conversations in the courtroom would be much different from the ones that I had at my dining room table. My presentation would be everything and was a very important part of the case. I must admit that I was worried however, after months of planning and doing extensive footwork in my case, I was beginning to feel more and more confident. Trial day would ultimately determine how prepared I truly was and would prove whether or not the work I did was useful.

Court Binder — Every I dotted and every T crossed! My biggest resource in navigating the court system… my “story book”.

Trial day finally arrived for me in the summer of 2016 and I made sure to show up and show out. As I prepared to head to the courthouse, I was certain that my hair was sleek and I was dressed in one of my Sunday’s best. I had my documents and trial outline ready to go and I was prepared for whatever was going to come. After things in the courtroom took off running, it was evident that all parties underestimated me and were not prepared for the circles I danced around “Parent B” and his representation. Their opening statements argued that I had denied “Parent B” parenting time with A’Bree in the form of visits and phone calls. As a result, they requested that I be held in contempt of court for my actions. In contrast, my opening statement affirmed that “Parent B” had only been denied parenting time following irrational and inconsistent behavior placing myself and my “mini me” in danger. I made sure to highlight that he was known to frequently disappear, known to behave dangerously in the presence of A’Bree, and known to not provide child support as ordered; leaving the responsibility of caring for our daughter and transporting her to visits to fall solely on me. I informed the court that what I was alleging would become clear after I presented all my evidence, questioned “Parent B”, and called my witnesses. I was as confident as I could ever be and happy that one of my biggest supporters was sitting in the courtroom and watching my performance; my uncle Terry.

Unc 3 — A man who has always made me laugh, been there for me whenever I needed him, and proved the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” correct… My Uncle Terry.

Unc — My uncle Terry and his beautiful family!

On trial day, “Parent B” and his representation had the opportunity to present their arguments first being that they were the petitioners. Their presentation was relatively short and I wondered why “Parent B” decided to bring a case against me with such little support and evidence for what he was arguing. However, I was ready to share the truth and I had people and documentation to back me. After “Parent B” took the stand and stated that I kept our child from him and wanted me to pay for what I had done, I had the opportunity to question him. This is when the circus began and when my “self-taught lawyer” skills came into play. In response to “Parent B” ‘s argument that I denied him visits with A’Bree, I read him a list of dates that I had kept track of in a journal where I allowed him to see our daughter and asked if he recalled them; he reported that he did. In efforts to challenge his statement that I denied him phone contact with our little one, I asked him to provide the court with the telephone number that he would call in order to speak to A’Bree however, he was unable to do so and stated that he deleted the number. I then presented him with text messages that he sent to me a few months prior to the trial date, asking to re-enter a sexual and romantic relationship with me; he acknowledged that the texts in fact came from him. When I asked why he texted me more concerned about a romantic relationship rather than building a relationship with our daughter, he commented that he still loved me and wanted to have more children together. When I questioned him about incidents where he failed to return A’Bree back to my custody after visits, he denied such occurrences and it was perfect timing for me to present police reports. Lastly when I highlighted occasions when he behaved aggressively and irrationally in the presence of our daughter, he did not deny it. What had unfolded in the courtroom to me was a clear indicator of “Parent B” ‘s mental health and instability. There was nothing more for me to argue as his testimony said it all. Following my questions for “Parent B”, the court called for an adjournment at the request of his attorney. I took it that they needed time to discuss what I had presented in addition to “Parent B” ‘s inconsistent responses. I took the opportunity to converse with my uncle who had been watching the show and to regather myself for my testimony and witnesses when trial resumed. It was evident that I was leading in the case based on my consistency and preparation. “Parent B” on the other hand was very much unprepared even with legal representation and the inconsistencies in his story were countless.

Following the adjournment in my case, I called my mother and older sister as witnesses to the stand; two people who have observed several occasions where “Parent B” behaved irrationally in the presence of our daughter and subjected me to abuse. My mother descriptively noted times where “Parent B” verbally assaulted her, failed to return my “mini me” back home, and moved to and from new addresses in short spans of time. She argued her interest to assure that my little one saw her father but also discussed her concerns about how such a relationship has been harmful. After she stated her peace she left the courtroom. Next came testimony from my sister about her experiences with “Parent B”. She too detailed his history of aggression and unstable behaviors. She even retold the story of a time when “Parent B” locked me in an apartment after assaulting me and she came to my aid along with police. After she left the stand, it was my turn to share my experiences. I came prepared with dates when “Parent B” moved and was unable to be contacted; a list of multiple the times where he cancelled scheduled visits with poor reasoning; times where he assaulted me in the presence of my baby girl; times where he threatened to harm me during visit exchanges; and dates where my daughter requested to call home or be returned home during a visit and he denied her. It was such a relief to present the truth and prove to the court that I was not the spiteful and vindictive mother that “Parent B” had painted me to be. The truth was that I simply saw the instability and dangers that he posed to our little one and wanted him to work towards bettering himself before building a relationship with A’Bree. I made what I believed to be a reasonable request to the court and asked that “Parent B” ‘s home be inspected before visits could take place and asked that he undergo a psychological evaluation and participate in treatment if needed. I looked into the eyes of his attorney as I made these requests because “Parent B” hung his head throughout the course of my testimony. His attorney’s eyes said much more than words could have. As I stepped down from the stand, although tears fell from my face I felt free. After months of fighting in the courts, facing hardship, and waiting for a resolve I had spoken my truth. It was now a matter of waiting and hoping that the court would make a determination that was in the best interests of A’Bree.

mom, sister, and Bree — My rock despite rough times, the matriarch in our family, the woman who I look up to, the woman with a story not much different from mine, and the woman who gave me life and helped me through hard times… My mama.

After trial ended, A’Bree had an opportunity to speak to the judge along with her attorney. Although I had gone through this tumultuous court battle for months, I kept her ignorant to what was happening. The questions from her following her interaction with the judge and her attorney were overwhelming however, I was happy that I did not have to expose her to what was actually going on. She immediately understood and her maturity was a blessing to me during this time. She shared her thoughts and feelings with the court and when it was over we, waited for the court’s decision and tried to recover from the process.

In November of 2016, I received the court’s decision and it was a relief to learn that I had come out on top. It was decided that A’Bree would remain in my custody and visits with “Parent B” would resume following a psychological evaluation, drug screening, and his participation in anger management. Truth had prevailed and after months of fear and anxiety I had successfully navigated the family court system and reached success as a self-taught lawyer. Although this is still where things stand today, I understand that I can easily find myself back in the family court in the near future. However, I am content that I was able to share my story and grateful that other, reasonable adults saw what I have experienced for the past six years. Every day I pray for “Parent B” to one day be in a place to be the best for our little one. In the interim, I am healing and working to move forward with my life. I am continuing to find myself, prioritize our happiness, and provide my baby girl stability and all the things that she has ever dreamed of. This experience has taught me many lessons that I will always apply in life when things are tough, when doors don’t easily open, and when I am in need of something that I must work hard to get. I vow to also teach my little one the same.

No matter how old she gets, I will forever be her rock and she will always find comfort in my arms.

Thank you for taking time to read my story! I hope that I have been an inspiration to at least one person along the way. I always say that although I have gone through so much in this life, I am dedicated to finding a lesson in my experiences and applying it to my life going forward. My purpose in this life is not complete unless I do so and also make efforts to help someone else. Millennial Mom is dedicated to doing just that. In closing, this article is the end of my series on navigating the family court system. It is also an end to my shares about my past in regards to my past relationship and that struggle. In the days to come, I will be sharing much more exciting things about my road to healing, bonding with my “mini me”, happiness in my new relationship, travels, and much more. So stay tuned for what is to come.

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Navigating the Family Court System: “yes your honor”

In a matter of 18-months, I mastered how to move through the New York Family Court system initially by using my knowledge as a layperson. I found myself involved there not by choice, but after it was alleged by “parent B” that I kept our daughter away from him for several years. “Parent B” was fighting against me for custody and the right to visits until custody was decided. Obviously the courts were unaware of our history and all the rights and visits that I had afforded “parent B” prior to him petitioning them. I understood that it would be my responsibility to inform the court of our background during a trial however, I was unaware of the treacherous battle that was ahead of me. Nor was I familiar with the politics in family court but boy did I learn very quickly. And for a time period that I found to be way too long, I was before a court telling my truth. Although, it was one of thee most uncomfortable and nerve-wracking experiences in my life, I was determined to endure through it. Especially after I was presented with the false allegations against me. After hearing the “alternative facts” that my daughter’s father entered into court documents, I was angry but ready to tell my story. And I vowed that I would do so based on the actual facts while remembering to keep my emotions out of the process. When questioned by the judge about my readiness to proceed in the case against me, I confidently responded “yes your honor”. I was extremely afraid and uncertain of what would come next. But I was motivated knowing that I was going battle on behalf of my “mini me” for the years of chaos, abuse, and instability we endured with “parent B”.

Her smile has always been a personal reminder that I am doing something right.

Before things in my court case took off running, I had to learn the politics of the court system and come to terms with it. There were so many practices and procedures that I did not understand or agree with; many of which I found to make absolutely no sense. For instance, hearings would sometimes be scheduled for a particular date and time and on the day of proceedings things would last 10 -15 minutes before an adjournment was issued; only for me to arrive at the next appearance and experience the same thing. This for me was a nuisance especially since I was traveling from three hours away to be present for court in the county where “parent B” petitioned. Court days for me were a huge expense as I would have to miss work to travel and would lose out on my day’s pay of $240. I was responsible for paying our nanny to work extra hours so that she could look after Bree in my absence, and I had pay for gas and tolls in order to make my trip to the court. Initially things were doable but then my case started to drag out longer than I believed necessary. My employer then began to question my frequent need to request time off and I was very worried. The financial aspect of my court battle was burdensome not to mention the ways in which my case impacted me mentally. Things did not stop there and as I started to lose out on money in this process, I had to seek out assistance options available to people in my situation. Sadly, what I found was both mind-blowing and discouraging.

With life’s lemons, we have always been thee most dynamic duo to have made the most amazing lemonade.

In efforts to better work through my case and address the hardship I was facing while attempting to attend court appearances, I started to look for programs that could aid or advise me. I found plenty of assistance in my neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York willing to offer me help. Unfortunately these programs could not serve me if my case was in another county. So, I considered help in the county where my case was being heard but learned that there were no special programs like the ones I located in New York City. There also was no assistance in New York State for working mothers at certain income levels. After learning this, I was so discouraged but believed that an attorney could better assist me. However, after several consultations the expense to hire an attorney was far more than what I could afford. I was denied a court appointed attorney on the basis that I made “too much money” and none of my expenses as a single parent were even considered in this determination although I presented them. I was not in receipt of any child support at the time, I lived in one of the most expensive cities in New York, I was being forced to travel and miss work on days that there were scheduled court appearances, and I was responsible for caring for myself and my daughter on solely one income. As much as these factors impacted me, they were not important to the court in determining my need. In this process of my case, I felt very lost and it appeared that there was no help for me.

aunt and Unc — Two people who have always given us their unwavering support in our darkest moments… Our aunt Mona and uncle Terry.

In contrast to the hardship that I was facing, it seemed that “parent B” navigated the court system with such ease. Not based on any work that he had personally done but because he was afforded several resources due to his circumstances; resources that I do not believe he even appreciated. He was granted several legal aid attorneys on various occasions due to his income level. Not one, not two, but three court appointed attorneys who he disrespected in court proceedings and then dismissed whenever he was unhappy. Many days I sat in the courtroom in shock about the circus “parent B” was able to create with very little consequences to follow. In addition, he was able to conveniently travel 10-minutes to the courthouse and lost very little in the process of our case. He was unemployed (by choice) and did not have a routine to support our daughter financially, pick-up her up from school, or pay her childcare/afterschool fees. All of these things were things I had managed for many years and court days made it even harder from me. It seemed to me that it would have been in the best interests of all three of us if our custody battle was fought in NYC where Bree and I lived. “Parent B” would still receive the same resources that he was granted in the county where he petitioned, if not more. In that event, I too would have had access to resources due to the increased number of legal aid programs available in NYC; and I would be able to continue carrying out my daily duties as a mom even on days that I had court. Such a change would cause me to lose less money. and I would only need to travel one hour by train to the courthouse; “parent B” would have needed to travel two.

After thinking things through, I entered a motion for a change of venue based on the fact that a change would better benefit everyone involved but sadly my request was denied. I did not understand the reason for the denial and again I found the politics of the family court to be troublesome. Had I been the individual weighing in on our case, I would have considered all the factors presented in my motion for a change of venue as I believed what I outlined to be very reasonable. My alternative option to transfer the case to NYC was one that I thought could better reach a resolution which considered myself, “parent B”, and Bree. However, decisions were made only in favor of “parent B” who I believe has been winning for many years and facing no consequences for his negative and irresponsible conduct. It was argued by one of his attorneys that he could not afford to travel to my jurisdiction for court proceedings due to financial hardship and it appeared that my hardship was meaningless. The court agreed with what “parent B” ‘s attorney argued and disregarded the fact that Bree and I lived in NYC for over three years. They also failed to consider the fact that “parent B” had just relocated back to the county after he had gone MIA for over three years. As upset as all of this made me and as much as I found it to be unfair, I was determined to keep pushing. There was no space for meltdowns or tantrums in the process of what I needed to get accomplished.

Bree is free — Moments like these have always given me motivation to keep going through our hardship… I am the happiest mom in the world when I see my little one soar.

Overtime, my court process was beginning to anger me especially as I felt like no end was in sight. But then one day “parent B” failed to appear for trial day and the judge decided to dismiss the case. I was so relieved as I felt that I could return to work, make up for the money that I had lost during the months that my case dragged on, and overall put things behind me. However, after two short weeks I was notified again with another petition to repeat the court process. “Parent B” had re-petitioned the courts to fight for custody again and notified me that he would ultimately make my life hell. As much as I was frustrated and tired, in a way I admired “parent B” ‘s dedication. I simply did not understand why he failed to show these qualities in the years prior. And with much stress and discouragement I proceeded to take on this journey again. After my experience from the first go around, I knew I had to secure an attorney as my efforts to accomplish things as a layperson in the previous proceedings were not enough. I worried that I would lose my job if I informed my employer that I was back in the court system and in need of days off, and believed that an attorney could help me with this issue. I knew that I was unable to pay the full-price of what an attorney cost so I reached out and bargained with different legal professionals. I offered to do all of the leg work in my case in exchange of receiving a discounted rate. Luckily, I found an attorney who was willing to take on my case. After retaining her, I prepared a legal binder containing timelines of events from a journal I maintained over the years; text messages and emails from “parent B”, statements from teachers, family, and friends, police reports, reports from Child Protective Services, and records showing the lack of support we received from “parent B” over the years. The binder was like my storybook. It was a resource holding the details of my life story for a period of over six years. All of the documents were things that brought my story to life and sadly throughout my court case I was reliving the struggle and trauma I already suffered through. Fortunately, throughout my trial, I had the unwavering support of key figures in my life including my best friends, my aunt and uncle, my mother, and my older sister.

Unfortunately, as the case dragged on I could no longer afford to pay my attorney per court appearance even at the discounted rate. I ultimately had to dismiss her although I felt that I would greatly benefit from having her. However, I had to use what I learned during previous hearings to make out the best I could on my own. During the time that my attorney and I worked together, I watched her very closely grasping as much as I could on how to present information to the court and how to address the judge, attorneys, and “parent B”. I feared that I could very well lose my case based on my limited knowledge of law. However, I quickly pushed such negative thoughts out of my mind. Not knowing was not going to be the reason that I failed. All of the things that I did not know, I was going to find out…

Stay tuned for my next post: Navigating the Family Court System pt. II: achieving success as a self-taught lawyer.

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

In October of 2016, my “mini me”, the love of my life, and I made a huge leap. We left behind our lives in New York City, packed our backpacks, and set out to travel South and Central America for seven months. Our journey away is not the typical travel/vacation that most people imagine. We have yet to stay in one place during our course of travel and much of our journey has been done on a budget. We have moved about five different countries thus far, living out of our backpacks, lodging in various types of accommodation from luxury apartments, to hotels, to hostels. It’s been an AMAZING journey to say the least. Traveling with a child based on our style of travel has been both a unique and challenging experience. All in all, our excursion was planned and executed to meet my baby girl’s dream of traveling and seeing more of the world. This journey is also very much related to my dream of traveling which I put on hold after I became a mother. Despite how different our experience has been from the lives we live at home and despite the challenges that come with the traveling lifestyle, I’d say it is well worth it. But before I share more about the challenges and the things that have made this nomadic journey so special, I must first share the reason why I gave up everything I owned, left my career of six years behind, withdrew my “mini me” from school, and hit the road. My story is one that I hope serves as an example that there is no one way to journey through this life; when a path presents a road block simply find an alternative way.

Whenever I share my current experience and new lifestyle with others (backpacking with a 7-year-old through 6 countries, home/worldschooling, and working from home), I am often met with responses showing that others are intrigued, fascinated, inspired, and eager to know more. I am also frequently met with critical questions such as “why would you leave such a great career and life to wander? weren’t you scared? what will you do when it’s all over?; questions that I find somewhat realistic and very much in touch with how I believe most mothers, working professionals, and Americans feel. However, I would not consider myself your typical mother, would argue that I am different from the average working professional, and believe I am someone difficult to compare to the average American. To answer the questions often posed to me as a traveling and homeschooling mom, I gave up my career, lifestyle, and everything I owned for several reasons. Before I share my reasoning for such a change, it is important to note that everything I did came after careful planning, weighing of pros and cons, years of trying various options, and brainstorming of how I could do better for my daughter and myself. During a time when I was a single mother with limited help to provide for my daughter, I realized that I had to find a better way to maintain our household without depending on my family or the “system” to do so. For several years, I tried different options that impacted my daughter and I negatively. The reality is after such trial and error, we were tired. We faced more than enough hardship and challenges throughout our years together, and were ready to throw in the towel. We were sad, bored, and in many ways desperate. In addition to wanting to meet all of our needs and give us better, I was desperately seeking genuine happiness for my little girl and myself; the happiness that I seemed to have forgotten about in my normal life while being overwhelmed with school and work.

Since 2010, my “mini me” and I have had a lot on our plates. We have been pushing every day to stay above water in several aspects of our lives. In 2010, I was in the process of completing a Master’s degree in Forensic Psychology and spent many days away from my little one. I was commuting from upstate New York to New York City for classes at John Jay College. This was my routine three days per week for one year. I would leave home at 5:30 am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and return home after 6:00 pm. On the days that I did not attend classes, I was putting in hours at two internships, completing course work, hitting the gym, doing freelance work to maintain an income, and spending time with my daughter. It was no easy task but I always hustled with the belief that we would one day rise above our hardship. Sadly, my demanding commute and the repeated harassment I experienced from my daughter’s father often times made me feel like I was sinking. However, no matter how bad or tired I felt, I never gave up. I simply made changes in my life as needed. I was determined to be successful to give my “mini me” and I a better life and would do so by any means necessary. One of those means was leaving my baby in the care of my parents (my mother and step-father) for 1.5 years to go into what I call hiding; and to complete my degree with less distractions.

baby-girl-and-i Through it all, I maintained a smile…finding hope in the eyes of my “mini me”

In June of 2011, I relocated from my hometown in Monticello, New York, back to New York City where only my close friends and family knew where to find me. Living in my hometown, I was subjected to threats and harassment from my child’s father after I made the decision to leave him. I did not wish for such factors to hinder me from completing my degree and I wanted to remain safe. During my time in New York I was focused more on finishing my degree and began building a new life for my daughter and I. The two years that I spent finishing my degree were yet more sad and overwhelming times for me. I woke up alone daily, went to school for long hours or worked full-days, and went to bed the same way I awoke. Many nights I cried as I missed my daughter and although I tried to be optimistic, sometimes I did not believe some of the positive affirmations that I told myself. On weekends I traveled to the Catskills from my place of hiding to be with my family and returned home at the end of the weekend. This helped me feel less lonely and less guilty about being away from my daughter. The constant commuting was again no easy task but thankfully the day did finally come where we rose above and moved on from this stage in our lives. I graduated college with honors and completed my degree in Forensic Mental Health. I arranged for my baby girl to move down to NYC into our new and cozy apartment, and enrolled her in pre-school. Following my graduation, I was successful in landing my dream job providing therapy in a correctional facility, putting my degree to use. It appeared that the storm for us was passing and we were entering a state of calm.

One of the best days of my life, Graduation 2013; M.A, John Jay College

From May of 2012 to September of 2016, I worked hard to maintain a beautiful apartment in Brooklyn, New York for myself and my baby girl. In addition, I balanced all of our bills and expenses on my own paying close to $5,000 per month. I juggled school loans, childcare expenses, a car note, extra-curricular activities for Bree, and all of our monthly household and personal expenses. I continued to be optimistic throughout the process, maintaining the mindset that all my hard work would one day pay off. However, like any responsibility that requires hard work and dedication, there comes burnout after some time. After my years of being a dedicated mother, student, and professional, I was truly burned out from the work I was putting in. Although, I was familiar with burnout and mastered techniques to help me temporarily overcome it, I knew it was time to make a change when my little one too began showing signs that she was overwhelmed. Despite my fatigue, it was evident that my hard work was yielding favorable results. However I was still confident that there had to be another way. One of our favorite ways to find a place of calm… outdoors (here we are pictured while camping in Promise Land State Park, PA)

In the winter of 2015, my “mini me” began showing signs that I never saw before. During mornings when I would drop her off to school, she would cry for reasons that I did not understand. When I would pick her up from school, she would spend her evening clinging to me and begging to stay home from school the following day. These behaviors were new to me and one day prompted me to have a talk with Bree. I asked her what changed and her response was simple. She told me that she was TIRED of being away from me, TIRED of spending long hours in school, TIRED of spending dinner time and bath time with her nanny, and TIRED of seeing me tired. This for me was hard to swallow and brought about great sadness. I realized that in my efforts to give my daughter a better life I was causing her loneliness and sadness. In addition, she was trying her hardest to thrive in a single-parent household. This realization was the moment that I knew I had to make changes. I needed to begin brainstorming a plan that would allow Bree and I to live comfortably while spending more time together, a plan that would allow me to still feel that I was successful in my career and making use of my education, and a plan that would allow me to create a life that ultimately allowed Bree and I to be genuinely happy. And so the planning began…

school-and-work School/work days in NYC started something like this

Stay tuned for part II of Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Until next time…

xoxo

Millennial Mom

The Storm Before the Calm: preparing for “mommyhood” following an unexpected pregnancy

The past seven years of my life have been very interesting to say they least. So many challenges and blessings all mixed together. Today I reflect on the past seven years with a heart full of gratitude and the understanding that anything is possible. Before I got to where I am today and before I set out on my current journey with my mini me, we faced much adversity. We were constantly making adjustments in our lives to live the best that we could. Many of those adjustments involved me putting certain dreams on hold to be sure that I was always meeting the needs of A’Bree and putting her first. Travel is one of those dreams that I postponed. It was a dream that I constantly thought about during my college years. I even looked into participating in a study abroad program in Spain to get my travel fix. I was yearning for more culture and experiences that I did not believe I found living in New York City. However, a very strange turn of events changed things for me. My story is one that only few people know but a must share, so let’s start there.

During the start of my sophomore year in college (September of 2008), I took a huge leap and moved out of my dormitory to live with my daughter’s father. I had a rough year prior to my sophomore year as I underwent brain surgery and did not anticipate jumping right into my college career 6 weeks after a major surgery. However, I made it work and was trying my hardest to do everything to pursue my education and be successful. For financial reasons and in efforts not to exhaust the funds from a scholarship I received, I moved out of my dorm with my daughter’s father to save money. In November of 2008 during a routine MRI appointment to follow-up on the post-op conditions of my brain, I learned some very unexpected news. A nurse approached me and told me that I could not proceed with my MRI as my urinary pregnancy test came back positive. Of course I thought she was highly mistaken and had her check the label on the urine sample cup at least two times to compare it to my medical bracelet. And what do you know the information matched and the nurse was not mistaken. My world felt like it had crashed down and I went home in the deepest depression. I felt like I had no one to talk to and my relationship was not the best. I was isolated from my family with a man who was very much abusive in every way. It could not have been a worse time in my life for me to end up pregnant.

As soon as I was able to schedule a doctor’s appointment I did. When I went to the doctor I was told that I was approaching 13 weeks in my pregnancy. I constantly questioned why I presented with no symptoms or signs of pregnancy. I was reminded that discontinuing birth control immediately after my operation could have very well been the reason for this. I was uncertain of what to do and debated in my mind whether or not I would go through with a delivery. I was very lost but time was ticking away for me to make a decision. People around me gave me mixed feedback on what to do. My roommate Jessica Hyman assured me that I’d be a great mom while other friends told me I’d be ruining my life going through with my pregnancy. Despite my crazy circumstances, despite what people had to say, and despite the loneliness and fear that I felt I made MY choice, and I was going to become a mom.

8-months-prego May 2009, 8 months pregnant

As I prepared for “mommyhood” I put my social life and dream of traveling on pause. I could no longer hang with my friends and enjoy the things that young college students should enjoy. I needed to finish my degree before my mini me arrived; that was my priority. In my mind becoming a young mother and college drop-out was not an option. I doubled up on classes and completed my curriculum one semester early. I continued working until I was well into my 8th month of pregnancy. I saved as much money as I could and relocated back to my hometown keeping in mind that country living was more economical and ideal for me raising a child. Sadly a time in my life that should have been one of thee happiest and most exciting times was a very sad and overwhelming time for me. I hid my pregnancy until I began showing at around 8 months and isolated from people who would have probably helped me through such a tough time if only I had talked about it. The sadness however quickly went away from me on June 23rd, 2009 at 9:19 pm; the day that my beautiful daughter A’Bree Inez was born.

june-23 June 23, 2009…. A princess was born

Little did I know that becoming a mother would be one of the best things that ever happened to me. Nor did I know that becoming a young mom would be my motivation to achieve greatness. I call this time in my life, the storm before the calm. Today I can confidently say that becoming a younger mother is hands down one of the most challenging things that I ever faced in my life. However, it’s a life event that can serve as inspiration and motivation. It’s a time period where you find strength that you never knew you had and a time where your ability to be resilient is constantly tested. It does not have to limit or hinder you and it does not mean you give up on your dreams. Postpone things in your life as necessary until you are situated and then keep pushing. And today my friends I can truly say, my mini me and I are pushing.

I hope this story reaches and motivates whoever needed to read it. Know that there is always a calm after the storm. On another note, know that there is so much more to come from me. Until next time…

x0x0

Millennial Mom