Tag: grief journey

Unpublished Gem: Will It Be Forever? pt.II: 3 laws to love by

I lay here on May 21, 2022 at 5:04am on my last day of vacation in Punta Cana, DR (the destination where I married my soulmate) editing this write which I initially drafted on January 29th, 2019- exactly one year and 25 days into my marriage with my dearest love Ilya. Little did I know that 5 days short of 11 months later, December 24, 2019, I’d be receiving the news that the love of my life was dead. And so the last two plus years have been a journey of pain, yearning for understanding, healing, and rollercoaster rides. And last night into today, like many other nights that eventually turn to dusk, I struggle to sleep. Thinking about what was, what could have been, and what will be. A rather chaotic state of mind to dwell in but a real one that I work to soothe and conquer daily. I saw this unpublished draft last night as I scrolled through my written work to find something worthy of being blasted next and knew it would be the one I shared with my readers next. I believe that from just editing this work, I was able to answer the question that my title initially posed. I’ll get into that at the conclusion of this write but first I’ll share with you what I drafted on that day almost 4 years ago…

“I write today simply to encourage other couples that it is indeed possible to survive the most trying of circumstances in a relationship/marriage, if you are willing to do the work. And I write to attest to the fact that no relationship is perfect although most of the things that we absorb around us, work to convince us otherwise. Although I cannot say with certainty what the future holds for my love and I, I sure hope for our forever together and commit to working towards just that, one day at a time. After one year of marriage, here’s a list of principles/ “laws to love by” that we learned and plan to continue to use and master on our journey.

Family holiday shoot, 12.2018

Law #1 Be Our Own Inspiration

1. Remembering our vows and goals always

2. Avoiding comparing our union to “Jack and Jill”

3. Avoiding the pressures of social media/society about what our love should look like

If you know my family or have followed our blogging journey thus far, you are aware of all the things that make us unorthodox/millennials. From the way our littles are raised and schooled, to our religious practices, to our union, to our plans for the future. Most days I’m super proud of the life we are building and then there are days that I question if what we are doing makes sense or is “right”. These doubts have sometimes impacted my relationship with my hubby and encourage me to regularly reflect. So I came up with the law of being our own inspiration so that we consistently aim to be mindful of why we became one to begin with, remember why we established the goals for life that we did, and remind ourselves of the promises we made to each other. We make great efforts to avoid comparing our life to that of others because our love story is ours. And at times when seeking approval and understanding from outside of our union, we can open ourselves up to receive advice and input out of alignment with what we actually need. In our home, “focused chats” are a practice that we’ve started to be sure we are addressing areas of our marriage and family life that we want to grow in.

Law #2 Master Healthy Communication (using the 3 important steps)

1. Determine the goal of the conversation

2. Determining the right time to talk

3. Listen to understand

4. Respond for the purpose of progress, repair, and to do no harm

Update: I was shocked in my marriage to see how great Ilya was at this. I always coined myself the great communicator in our duo. Ilya’s gentle and loving nature made it easy to work through our challenges and communicate better. He’d often joke that he wasn’t bothered by my “little attitude” and encouraged me to promise that we’d never go to sleep angry at one another. I can’t say we were successful every night but we did a darn good job overall.

Law #3 Boundaries

1. Our household first… our plans, our expectations, and our practices FIRST!

2. Individuality- the ability to be ourselves, do what we love, regularly enjoy time apart, and routinely reconvene to work together as one.

Law #4 Love, Love, Love

And at the core of everything that we do and commit to, love, love, love.

At the start of this write, I noted the question posed in my title. Where I am at this point in my healing journey, I can say that my love story is forever. The love and soul connection that I share with my dearest love Ilya is immortal and will live on. We lived out our vows of until death do us part and even in death, Ilya has made his abundant love known to me by way of signs and messages through people near and far, strangers and close friends. I will share more about these unique happenings in future publications including a short book dedicated to these supernatural occurrences. Look out for pieces in my series My Dearest Love Ilya for more on this part of my life. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Like what you’ve read? Have a suggestion for a future blog or have a question? Let me know in the comments. Check out what I’m up to these days here.

My Dearest Love Ilya (Pt. I)💔

For 5-years, you brought me flowers every chance you had. After our nuptials, it became routine on Fridays before sundown. On the day that I returned the gesture, your smiling face and warm hands were unable to receive them from me. Here I stay, carrying on without you with a broken heart. Ilya, I.L.Y.A., I’ll Love You Always, forever your wife 😢

It’s been 678 days since I last blogged! Life has been relentless… with trial after trial happening to, I mean for me. Maybe you know by now or maybe this write will carry some new news. Whatever the case, the last 477 days have been the most torturous and painful days of my existence.

12/24/2019 was the worst day of my life. On that morning, I answered a call that no wife should ever have to receive. “Ilya is dead! And so my journey of mourning commenced. My dearest love Ilya was found deceased on a street in NYC and no one had any answers. In efforts to not relive that moment again, I will refrain from describing it now. As I try to healthily work through the mountain of emotions that plague my mind daily, I’ll keep the details about my love’s death out of this piece and future writes until I’m better. What I will say is that my heart is shattered, the world has been so unkind, and I was pushed to find a new way to survive alone; without the one person who I believed to be my person… my soulmate, the man I would live out the rest of my days with. I guess the heavens said otherwise and here I stay trying to cope.

Unless you walk this walk of grieving the loss of a spouse, you could never fully understand it. It gets ugly, competitive, territorial, unempathetic; creates a feeling of doom for the people who live it and discomfort for those who watch. It becomes increasingly painful and downright lonely. As a griever, I felt that I was out of sight and out of mind for months. As Ilya’s wife, I felt that my grief was often measured and viewed to be not as bad as the parents or relatives. “But he was my son”, “but we knew him longer”, “but this is not your culture” “but your daughter is not his daughter”… just a few of the dismissive and insensitive comments that met me days into my grief journey. Forced to learn a culture I did not grow up in, without my dearest love to guide me; judged because of the color of my skin and my customs; excluded for reasons that were purely evil; embarrassed; humiliated; blamed; lied on… shall I go on? I could continue but the energy escapes me each time I recount the last year and half of my life. As the one living this new existence, it initially seemed that it was my burden to carry and no one else could fathom what I felt. Most people went back to their daily routines and old habits minutes after my love’s young but tired body was placed in the ground. My children and I were left stuck in a painful place in time where it felt like life was not worth living.

October of 2019… family photos at a beautiful home in the country when life seemed grand and our hearts were full. We had no clue what was about to shake our home in the holiday season of 2019 💔

I one day decided to find an improved and healthier way to grieve after my “mini me” said to me “mom please do something to feel better, I hate seeing you like this.” Her voice triggered something within me and maternal instinct helped me realize that my pain was harming my children. I knew that I had to save myself and my children because no one was coming to be our savior. The one person that consistently gave us unwavering love and protection was now gone. Today I find myself in a new and unfamiliar place. I am vulnerable and learning this version of Tea now. Each day I dedicate small amounts of time to journal this journey as my story will one day be told in full detail. For now, it carries so much pain that I am only capable of blurbs and rambles. There is so much to share about losing my dearest love from receiving the news, to a messy police investigation, to the burial and religious process, to the COVID-19 impact on the investigation and grieving process, to family scandal, to the mass exodus of friends, to signs from Ilya; and the path to healing my soul with my children’s gentleness and love, and Ilya’s love and spiritual guidance from beyond the veil. I have compiled my thoughts, painful experiences, and letters into what will be a book published in 2022, titled Grief Games: A Widow’s Story of Pain & Abandonment (part 1 of a 5 part series). I have also shared my story via different platforms including Instagram (@amillennial_mom) connecting with people who can relate and those who sit in shock. My children, writing, meditation, faith, and social connection with new souls has been my saving grace during this time.

Shabbat Flowers 🌺

I never saw this day coming… the death of my love or the aftermath. After 477 days without my dearest love Ilya, his life, our life, this life makes so much more sense. Although I continue to grieve, I can say that I have pulled myself out of the darkest time in my life and continue to work daily to find the light. This will indeed be a process for the rest of my life and I will share my story to help at least one person through the process of surviving the death of a loved one. It is very clear to me now that many people fail to survive the grief journey for it is torturous, unpredictable, lonely, dark, and unending. In my case, I’m convinced that I have found strength to carry on with my love watching over and Hashem guiding the way. For I now see light (hope) at the end of this dark place and commit to waking up every day to finish this race. My pain and struggle are not in vain and my experience is for me and for someone else to learn and grow from. Even with a shattered heart, I am dedicated to doing what I have been called to do: bring healing to masses.

A beautiful gift that holds some beautiful memories… it is a designated place for our littles to write their feelings when they are ready. It will soon hold A’Bree’s first publication… Dear Papa 💜
I’ll Love You Always 💔💔💔

I’m not sure what is to come next… in life, for this blog… anything. But I am working each day to just get through each moment. As I can and when I can, I will share more of our story. Until then, I commit to healing my soul so that I can heal my children, so that together we can spread an abundance of love and healing to the world; just like Papa would have wanted us to do. There are one too many hurt people hurting people these days and our life story and grief journey is symbolic of that. Stay tuned for the continuation of this series. Until next time….

Love & light to the world,

Tea