happiness – Page 2 – Millennial Mom

Raising a Mindful Child: Meditation

40- minute “Mommy and Me” Morning Meditation… start em young!

In my role as a mother, a big part of what I try to teach my oldest little one is mindfulness. A heightened sense of awareness when it comes to her thoughts, feelings, and physical body is something I believe to be so important for healthy development and her survival. Had I learned this concept and its importance at a tender age, I’m sure it would have changed my life. However, I am grateful that I can now teach this virtue to my children as a tool for them to better navigate through this journey called life. And this for me is one of the beauties of parenting; being able to choose what values I share with my children and being able to give them things I may have missed out on.

In recent years, with the things I see happening in the world around me I feel an overwhelming responsibility to raise children who are consciously aware of themselves; the only thing that they are able to control in this life. As a parent who owns this responsibility and understands its importance, I hope to be growing just a few more good people to contribute to the goodness of the world… goodness knows we need more of them!! There are constantly things happening around us that are disheartening, anxiety stirring, and simply difficult to understand. However, it is my belief that we can improve our interactions in the world with our perspective; one that is realistic and in tune. We gain such frame of mind only when we are one with ourselves; and I aim to help my “mini me” understand this idea through Mindfulness Meditation.

We first started this mindfulness mission three years ago… and have had mediation sessions in the cutest places.

Now, the most important part of this blog entry is the “how to meditate with littles”. I know anyone reading this will understand my why for this practice but I hope someone will grasp the how, and be inspired to try it.

The magic of meditation can happen anywhere… by the pool, on a stool, in school!!!! I challenge her to practice it everywhere.

Meditation for us didn’t start out as mediation as first. I mean how can you get a 6-year old (now 9-years) to sit still for 40-minutes without them fidgeting and their mind running rampant? Nearly impossible right?! So what did we do? We dedicated time to what I call “Focused Chats” where we spoke about things such as feelings, thoughts, and how these things influence what we actually do. We would try short periods of silence while being attentive to things we heard or felt in the moment. Following this practice, we would discuss how it made us feel. The creation of a space and opportunity for this practice of focused chatting excited my “mini me” and over time became something she did with no problem. As I introduced formal meditation, it seemed similar to the chats minus the actual speaking. Instead we focused on things such as our breathing, what we heard, and simply enjoyed being silent, still, and relaxed. We started out with our morning Mommy and Me Meditation where Bree would meditate for 7-minutes and then excuse herself if needed. Sometimes I’d be surprised to find that she was sitting still next to me when I opened my eyes. She has since told me that meditation takes her to a good place. I continue to teach her that if we are able to calm our minds (one of the most powerful things in our body) we are able to clear it. This in turn will lead us to better thoughts and behavior following meditation which is what we should strive for to help better ourselves. As mature as this sounds, my daughter grasped it!

In meditating with littles, you gotta get creative! Pick a funky pose, commit to it, and “calm out”.

Today we commit to meditation each morning at 8:30 am. We enhance our sessions by incorporating our oil diffuser with our favorite essential oils and some music for different types of energy typically found on YouTube. We are blessed to be building the life and journey that we want but it’s not always smooth sailing. Life for us is at times crazy, frustrating, and confusing. In the midst of living it, it’s easy to let our minds take us away and run the show. However, we work to calm, clear, and control our minds when we are not allowing it wander and imagine. We are no meditation gurus but we are learning daily and loving what we have found. Meditation is one more tool in our belt that we need as we journey to arrive at genuine happiness and purpose. I challenge you to try it and let me know what it does for you!

She’s a dreamer… and the mind of a dreamer requires its rest 💙

I’ll be sure to share more regarding our meditation practices in the near future so stayed tuned. Until next time…

Xoxo

Millennial Mom

Pregnancy After the Nine: Preparing for baby number two

After nine interesting years with just one child, I decided to try for baby number two. Being the person that I am, I assumed “I did it once, I’ll do it again no problem… piece of cake, piece of pie”. WRONG!!! Pregnancy after waiting nine long years for me was like being a first time expecting mother again. Ohhh the things I forgot and had to remember and ohhh the new things I had to learn as part of a new pregnancy. This journey was one for the books to say the least and one I will never forget.

The Morning Sickness: Could someone have warned me about this sickness that presents morning, noon, and night? I mean I heard some moms talk about it before and I simply thought that maybe they were exaggerating when they referenced throwing up their brains all day. However, I quickly learned how serious this monstrous sickness was when I could not eat or smell anything without sprinting to the nearest bathroom or trash receptacle. For the first five months of this pregnancy I looked and felt like death! Then it was the daily struggle with…

The Back Pain and Leg Pain: During my first pregnancy I felt like a spring chicken and I was. At 19-years old, not much changed for me. I did all of my regular activities including dance, worked my full-time nannying job up until a couple of weeks before my delivery, and maintained my household duties. This go round, I was waddling like a duck early on, lifting my legs by hand to help me cross them, struggling to get from point A to B, and sometimes barely making it to the restroom. Was it my age? Was I out of shape? I started hitting the gym until I could not stand it any longer, being extremely mindful of what I ate, and constantly thinking about why I felt the way I did. For a while I was frustrated and a little hard on myself until I learned the hard way from pushing myself a little too much and not listening to my body.

Unfortunately, I experienced complications during this pregnancy that left my husband and I fearing pre-term labor or worse. I was so sad because I kept referencing my age until I learned that complications during pregnancy can happen to anyone. I was forced to stop working earlier than planned and was put on bed rest. All the things I loved and wanted to do were put on hold. Simple things like doing the laundry, cooking for my family, taking my daughter to school each morning, or even going for a walk were a no no. I really had to refocus my mind, accept what was happening, and take things more seriously. I ultimately hired help to clean my house when needed and accepted the help from family and friends which is typically hard for me to do. Every week that I made it further into my pregnancy, I thanked God.

We were blessed to make it to 37 weeks which was the milestone my doctors and specialist were praying for; and would you believe that the day before I reached 37 weeks, my car was hit by a crazy driver which sent me to the hospital by ambulance. Upon my arrival to the hospital I learned that I was 6 cm dilated. I returned home after being held for a few hours and gave birth to my son two days later. We welcomed our little prince A’Brahm ILian Pakanayev into the world on July 2nd, 2018 at 12:02 pm. Following the birth of my son, it seemed like my love for my “mini me” grew especially when watching her interact with her brother. I was so thankful and humbled. I thought it was pretty awesome being a mommy of one but the feeling “mommying” two, is even better.

As I sit here watching my little munchkins sleep peacefully, I’m simply happy that I was blessed with a healthy little one at the conclusion of this pregnancy, who has brought a new joy into our lives. I learned that every pregnancy is different and comes with its own challenges. However, the beauty of it all makes the entire journey well worth it. My experience from this go round will definitely be in the front, back, and corners of my mind if and when we plan for baby number three. Stayed tuned! Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Mom To Me… A special poem from my mini me 💓

As a mom, I sometimes question myself and wonder about the job that I’m doing in this role. Does my mini me understand me? Does she respect my choices? Is she happy with me as her momma? There was a point when these thoughts regularly plagued my mind; especially when it was just mini me and I. I sometimes had to make sacrifices in order to run our household that I know made her sad. And I would be super hard on myself but had few options. However, one of the biggest blessings came when my daughter was old enough to communicate her feelings and mature enough to understand our reality. Even then I worried a little but I was always comforted when I would hear my daughter speak about me to others; or when I would read things she wrote about me. Recently she came to me with a poem she wrote for me and her words confirmed that she indeed gets it all.

And she wrote:

Mom To Me

By: A’Bree Inez

You held me when I was just so small

All I could hear was your little call

All I could feel was your little touch

This is why you’ll always mean so much

You’re the resource I will always need

You’re like a flower that stared with a little seed

I feel sad when you’re not there

So I think about you everywhere

I’m happy that I’m your mini me

I’m happy that you are mom to meXoxo,

A’Bree Inez

I’ll be sure to share more gems like this one from my little one in the future. Until then…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

A Promise to my Dearest Love… my wedding day vows

Since the day that I committed to my husband, I ever so often go back and read the vow that I made to him; and I get very emotional every single time. My words were true from the bottom of my heart and the promise to my dearest love went a little something like this…

“My dearest love Ilya,

As we gather here today in the presence of just a few of our closest family and friends, I am truly overwhelmed with emotion and I know that I am one of the happiest girls in the world. I have always dreamt that this day would come but I never imagined this special day on this beautiful beach; nor did I dream of you. The universe has truly blessed me with you and everything that you bring to my life. You are much more than I could have ever asked for. Your patience, your dedication, your honesty, and your love are only a few qualities about you that I adore.

I stand here today prepared to commit myself as your wife not because things have been perfect for us, not because things have been easy for us, and not because I anticipate that our future will be these things every day. But because in our journey together over the past few years, I have learned that we have what it takes to be lovers and friends even when times are dark; the dedication to be life long companions, and the determination to make it through when the roads are rough and our way is not so clear.

From the day that I met you I was surprised by how easy you were to love; honored to be in your presence, and blown away by that fact that you openly accepted me despite what others had to say. Your acceptance humbled me and I can never forget the way that you embraced A’Bree and I after I told you that we are a two for one special. You took us as we were and were eager to make us a part of your world. And you have made me very happy and comfortable every step of the way. You restored my faith in love when I was doubtful and have been committed to me every single day. I appreciate how you have worked tirelessly to better understand me and how you have made great efforts to make a better life for yourself, me, and our daughter. For this I am forever grateful! You are the only partner that I need by my side on this journey through life.

As I commit to being your wife, I promise to cherish our union and our first days together as they helped build the foundation for the love that we have today. I promise to remain the same funny spirit you first fell in love with. I promise to be the one thinking outside of the box approaching our obstacles with ideas that are far from traditional. I will ensure that our life is full of adventure and I will depend on you to keep me grounded when I have truly gone out of my mind. I promise to be your number one fan and supporter in all that you do. I promise to care for you during your time of need. I promise to be your forever partner working to do what is best for our family. I promise to be faithful and dependable and with all of these promises I vow to give you my love every single day until my last breath.

I love you”

I hope someone’s heart was warmed from reading this. Thus far, married life has been such a beautiful experience and my husband is truly one of my biggest blessings. Continue to follow our love story. I’m sure we will one day have to share about the days when marriage isn’t a bed of roses. Until then…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Exciting News & Travel Blues

A mom’s journey through Jewish conversion, marriage, parenting, and pregnancy while balancing work full-time, private practice, and an undying inner desire to continue travel.

After months of being away from this project of blogging due to massive amounts of work to balance, I am slowly getting back to business with so much to share. Being that I am uncertain of where to begin, I guess I can simply start with an update; what we have been up to the past few months, what we have planned, and overall how we are progressing despite the travel blues. And although my mini me and I are struggling a little temporarily being back to a monotonous routine, there are some exciting things unfolding in our lives that are keeping us going.

So what have we been up to you ask? So much to say the least. So let’s start with the excitement first. I am happy to announce that as of January of this year, I officially converted to Judaism and wed with the love of my life according to the laws of the Torah. My Mikveh (bath where Jewish rituals are performed) and wedding ceremonies were absolutely beautiful and more than I could ask for. I became one with my husband on a beautiful private beach in Punta Cana, DR and completed my conversion in the same region. I was blessed to be under the guidance of such a loving, empowering, and accepting teacher; Rabbi Ancel Solomon. I will be sure to share all of the details of my journey in an upcoming blog post dedicated solely to my conversion and my big day titled: Ani l’dodi v’dodi li- I Am My Beloved…

Conversion documents in hand with the biggest smile on my face! Baruch HaShem A’donai 🙌🏾 01:2018[/c[/c

Circling my handsome groom 7 times symbolic of the forming of our family and my protection over him 💙 1:4:18

My conversion and wedding ceremony were two life events that truly humbled me and brought me such joy after feeling so blue being back in the states. And the universe did not stop there! As I have learned over the past few years, nothing in life is ever definite and I am in control of very little in my life despite what I often like to believe. Things are forever changing no matter how much we plan. So I do my best to prepare by leaving room for change, a delay, or something unexpected; and that is exactly what my little family and I had to do after learning that a little baby was growing in my tummy in January. I will share all about this blessing in an upcoming post titled Pregnancy After the 9.

My biggest blessings… my babies! A’Bree Inez and A’Brahm Ilián, gender reveal 3:10:18

As you can see, so much has changed for us and there is so much to look forward to in the months ahead. And guess what… there’s more exciting news! We recently welcomed a new fur baby into our home and hearts and he has occupied my time and mind; and made me think less about being back to U.S. life. I am instead enjoying all of the love that has filled my home and preparing for new adventures. We are looking forward to growing older with our fur pup and can’t wait for him to meet baby Abe.

Meet our big man who is actually quite tiny… Milo Paka 💙 03:2018

A religious conversion, a marriage, news of pregnancy, and a new pup! What more can there be? Well I believe that sums up most of what’s going on in our lives and in addition to all of these amazing things we are in the beginning stages of our journey to tiny house living!

Tiny house tours with my mini me – 4:15:18

The crazy thing is all of these things are ones that I have prayed for, for a short time and it’s so crazy how they have effortlessly fallen into place. With all of these blessings, how on earth can one be blue? I believe my life in the past year and all of the recent events that have unfolded are representative of mother universe telling me “never be blue baby girl… how many times must I show you that I got you? There is no doubt in my mind that we are truly blessed and highly favored.

Altogether, I can say that I am happy preaching about my exciting news opposed to venting about my travel blues. All of these life changing events have practically cured my blues and I cannot wait to share what comes next for us as the #Pakafamilypartyof4. Although we are expecting a new baby in July of 2018, travel is still very big on the agenda… Italy and Southeast Asia here we come, beginning September 2018. Stayed tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Some of my biggest supporters… Punta Cana, DR – 1:4:18

A New Life Aligned: Meditation and Travel

An amazing shot I captured in Tulum, Mexico on a walk through the ruins

After years of much chaos and disorder in my life, I finally got to a point where things just seemed to fall into place. Although things did not happen over night and required significant changes on my behalf, life felt sweet minus the chaos I was familiar with. Sadly, after experiencing disappointment for so long it was sometimes hard for me to accept the blessings that were right in front of me. However, one year ago I vowed to begin training my mind to view my life’s journey differently. I ultimately learned that what is meant to be in this life will be; and found that our trials are just as valuable as our triumphs. And here I sit today so grateful to the universe for this new life aligned. I am appreciative for the new understanding I have found and content with the blessings in my world that encourage me to look forward to my days ahead. As I always say, I feel compelled to share my journey with those who seek motivation and liberation from similar struggles. I argue that change similar to what I have experienced is possible for anyone who makes the necessary adjustments. For me those adjustments included the introduction of meditation and travel into my life.

I personally made revisions in my life beginning with the way I viewed events both good and bad. I intensely trained my mind how to work through situations that were challenging without crashing or giving in when things didn’t go as I anticipated. I also worked hard to learn how to just be still; to settle my mind and realize that I am not always in control. Each day I remind myself to limit my obsession with control and to be open to whatever is to come. From these efforts I have been blessed with an inner peace that no one can take away from me; and blessed to now be journeying through life with more clarity. I cherish where I am today and the way in which I arrived here is something I will never forget. Meditation, self-reflection, re-evaluation of relationships/separation from negativity, and travel have been the biggest contributors to where I stand today.

Meditation has now become a valuable and significant part of my life. It is a routine that aids me to be more balanced and I believe it will ultimately help me to live a more a stable life. I turned to meditation when I realized that I was often anxious, lacking focus, and allowing stress to impact me physically and mentally. I learned to use meditation in all areas of my life not only when things were off, but also when things were going well as I not only yearned for balance but wanted to maintain it once I found it. Meditation for me has become a lifestyle. I now commit to use it to remain centered and to advance. In the past I was skeptical of people who were so pro-meditation but I have found that it is such a simplistic practice to better one’s life; a practice I wish I had incorporated into my life sooner.

Travel (extended) has been the biggest blessing for me and my family as well; particularly my little one. Sadly, we became so accustomed to a routine of work, work, work that we were overwhelmed and brainwashed to believe there was no other way. But I remember the day that we threw in the towel and started researching a better option to survive and also be happy. Ultimately we arrived at escaping the life and routine that exposed us to the pressures of the capitalist lifestyle and became adventurers. We were no longer chasing a dollar but instead following our hearts to live our dreams. We were able to connect again and experience life through a different lens. We met some amazing people abroad who were inspirations to us; people who taught us there is no one way to live life; people who proved that you can be happy with less; people who showed us that our dedication to family, love, and happiness is imperative. I am so happy that my family shared this experience and hope to soon return to it.

Like mother like daughter… taking a few moments to take in the beautiful sunset, Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica

If you too feel that things in your world are off, you lack inner happiness/peace, and you yearn for a more stable mind, consider adjusting your outlook on things and re-training your mind. Step away from some of the routines you have become accustomed to that consume your energy and time, and try something new. Do what frees you… do what pleases you. The reality is we only get to do this thing called life once and the numerous factors that make this journey challenging, will only lead us to our end days wishing. I vow for this to not be my fate. So today I stand proud; so thankful for my struggles and understanding that I am a work in progress but I am grateful for this new life aligned.

Afternoon strolls by the beach and quality time, Big Corn Island, Nicaragua

This post is dedicated to the locals of the Philippines, Peru, Nicaragua, Panama, Costa Rica, Colombia, and Mexico who showed us a new way. Stay tuned for future posts about the regions we traveled to, budgeting/planning, and much more. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Living “Lavishly” on Less Than $25k: extended travel on a budget

Over the past few months I have repeatedly been hit with the question “how did you do it?? Wasn’t traveling for 7 months expensive??? And from this, I felt it important to share my tricks and tips on financially making extended travel possible on a budget.

The answer to the most commonly asked question that people pose when learning about our journey is no! Traveling for 7 months was not expensive and it is totally possible. So here is what we did.

We live for an amazing sunset! Puerto, Viejo, Costa Rica

1. Planned like crazy

We initially analyzed our monthly expenses in New York City to simply be reminded how ridiculously expensive things were for us. We then considered places we wanted to visit and began comparing the cost in those areas to what we spent in NYC monthly. After we completed a list of places we wanted to visit, we calculated the average cost for a family of three to live there for one month, and threw in a few hundreds extra just to be safe. We calculated a budget for the 7 months and got busy saving.

2. Saved our coins

Once we learned how much money we would need for our journey, we got busy saving. Being that our expenses in NYC were high, saving was challenging so we had to get creative. We started a savings jar that we contributed loose change to daily. We cut out eating out and put the money that we would typically spend on lunch into our saving fund. We collected bottles and would return them to the market each month to receive a bottle deposit refund. I participated in paid online surveys to raise a little extra money, and discontinued cable in our home. We tried to cut out any extra expenses that we could live without. 6 months prior to our journey, we sold everything in our apartment which brought in a large sum of money for us. We had weekly yard sales, posted on selling apps, and took our expensive items to consignment shops. In my free time, I did hair and makeup on the side to raise extra funds. Whatever money I had left over from my pay check after paying bills went to our travel saving account. At the end of everything, we were able to save over $16,000 USD for our trip.

3. Book a one-way ticket abroad and home

After we saved and allocated funds for our trip, we vaguely mapped out where we wanted to go and booked a one-way ticket to destination one and a one-way ticket back home from our last destination (essential to finalize our travel insurance). We picked our first destination and the ones to follow based on the best seasons to visit each place. We decided that we would use various means of transportation to travel to each of our destinations including land, water, and air travel. Whenever we needed to fly, we used special websites known for discounted airfare and only booked one-way tickets as we found it to be cheaper; and we often did not require roundtrip tickets being that we moved about.

4. Moved in with family

In efforts to continue saving money, to eliminate a crazy rent expense, and to still live comfortably after giving up all of our furniture, we moved in with family.

5. Purchase luggage

One of the last things we did before we set off on our journey was purchasing backpacking luggage for our family of 3. By trial and error, we practiced how to pack light and carry our backpacks.

6. Doctors appointments and insurance

As it got closer to the time for us to set out on our journey, we went to see our doctors for checkups and to secure medication for our time away. We then purchased inexpensive insurance plans that would cover us if we became ill abroad. A package for 3 people cost $ 150 USD for 7 months.

7. Book first destination airbnb

A few weeks before departure, we booked a place to stay via airbnb to avoid the hassle of doing so once we arrived at our first destination. During the course of our trip we used airbnb, Homeaway, and locals to help secure accommodation. We often found accomodation ranging from $15 USD per night to $40 USD per night. There were times we could splurge on a nice hotel or home when we came in under budget which was always nice; or we would eat out somewhere fancy which I loved.

8. Set out and stick to the budget

Following these minor steps, we left school and work and set out on our trip. We made sure we stuck to our budget to avoid running out of money. I maintained a notebook to be on task with budgeting and practiced a few routines to help with this. In areas where we needed to exchange money, we did so in the airport to get the best exchange rate. We shopped at local markets, ate the meal of the day whenever we ate out, cooked at home, and brought snacks on outings when we could. We also got accustomed to walking everywhere to eliminate travel expenses and downloaded maps to help us. We tried hard to do much of what a local would do to save money and it all worked out.

Ready to set out with all our luggage and gear

After all, we were able to live very nicely in each destination that we traveled to. In fact we spent about $12,600 for the 7 months we were away, and travled to Peru (Lima, Huacachina, Cuzco, and Puno), Panama (Panama City and Bocas del Toro), Costa Rica (San Jose, Monteverde, and Puerto Viejo), Nicaragua (Managua and Big Corn Island), Colombia (Bogota and Medellin), and Mexico (Playa del Carmen, Cancun, and Tulum). Our expenses for 7 months in all of these regions were equal to the cost for our expenses for 3-4 months in the states. Much of what we did were things that would be difficult for us to enjoy in the states. We got so much for our money and often felt that we were living lavishly. I was lucky to maintain remote employment to save for life when we returned home and to maintain expenses I had including loans, credit cards, and my vehicle that I was unable to sell prior to traveling. I signed up for income-based programs/options wherever possible and everything worked out very easy. The one tip that I will emphasize for anyone interested in trying this out, is researching the expenses for the places you will travel to, and allow yourself enough time to plan and save. I believe I have mastered these steps and feel well prepared to plan and budget for our next trip.

Such a tranquil sight… Big Corn Island, Nicaragua

I hope I have not missed anything but will be sure to add anything I may have forgotten at a later date. If you are interested in more details about blogs I used or websites I found helpful in the course of planning my travel, feel free to message me. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Co-Parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent: prioritizing paternal power over parenting

Successfully co-parenting with my daughter’s father (“parent B”) was my number one goal both while I was with him and after I made the decision to leave him. In fact, failing at this goal was one of my number one fears; so much so that it kept me in an abusive relationship longer than I should have been. I often felt pressured to stay and endure the maltreatment so that my “mini me” would have both parents until I one day realized that I would be making such a life possible for her at a great cost. I would be risking the emotional well-being and safety of myself and my child. But how could I be a great mother or be able to effectively co-parent if at the end of my day, I was not well? The reality is I could never! So with this enlightenment I also realized it was time to leave my relationship and eventually I did. Following the separation, I made it clear to “parent B” and people who questioned why I “catered” to him, that despite our failure in a romantic relationship I hoped for us to be the best parents possible to Bree. I made great efforts to be sure that this could happen until I understood that such a dream was only my own. Although, this goal is one that I believe should have been shared between myself and “parent B”, it became one that was solely burdensome and stressful to me; particularly working to get “parent B”and I on the same page. I was attempting to co-parent with a person who valued using his paternal power to puppeteer my life; someone who cared more about his control over me rather than making efforts to successfully parent. Such values made co-parenting nearly impossible.

The little face that has always been my motivation, Winter 2009.

After moving out of a shared apartment and living separately from “parent B”, I was grateful to have escaped the abuse and control I once endured. I couldn’t have been happier to be free from the physical and verbal abuse, drug use, control, threats, and instability. Such a life transformed me into a submissive and fearful person where I was sad and depressed more days than not. After I realized how much I lost myself and during times where I thought about the example I hoped to set for my daughter, moving forward to become happy and emotionally stronger again became another one of my priorities. In efforts to do so, I sought the help of a counselor to talk through my issues, spent my free-time in the gym, focused on a healthier diet, and found hope in my spirituality. I had the unwavering support of my aunt Ramona and uncle Terry who have always been more like my parents, in addition to the full support of my mother and older sister. Evading the chaos in my life was initially challenging but once I was out of it, things seemed to be looking up for “mini me” and I.

Finding comfort in my sister’s home along with kisses from my angel during trying times, Summer 2010.

Despite my history of abuse and hardship in my relationship, I was hopeful for a better future for myself and Bree; one that I envisioned with “parent B” involved. The optimist in me caused me to believe that things would be just fine. I was encouraged that life would be better and conflict would subdue being that I was out of the daily sights and interactions of “parent B”. I continued to have faith that “parent B” and I could be even better parents to my “mini me” if the stress of maintaining a romantic relationship was eliminated. My faith influenced my efforts to always assure that my daughter was connected with her father. I would transport Bree to visits whenever “parent B” asked and arranged phone dates for them regularly although Bree could barely speak. I would plan weekend outings to do as a family and attempted to include “parent B” in all aspects of my “mini me”‘s life. Sadly, visits and phone interactions exposed me to continued abuse. I was regularly questioned about if/who I was dating and threatened that I would be harmed if seen out in public with another man. I was denied financial support for Bree and told that I would receive it only if I returned back “home”. Visits were often cut short if I used my phone or was suspected of speaking to a romantic interest; things I was entitled to do as a single woman. In such instances, I would be quickly loading my baby and her belongings in the car while being berated, and then off on my way traveling 40 minutes to get back home to my parents. It seemed that all of my efforts to successfully co-parent were in vain. I endured this negative experience for some time until I was finally done.

A happy mother equals a happy child… back then and even now, we have always found our happy place outdoors, Summer 2011.

After it was clear that I would no longer place myself and little one in unsafe/uncomfortable predicaments for the sake of visiting time with “parent B”, I sought the help of my parents to assist with visits. Although my efforts at co-parenting failed, I continued to value the goal of helping Bree maintain a relationship with her father. I believed that I could now assist in doing so by removing myself from the situation. However, removing myself from the equation helped very little and seemed to cultivate more conflict. For another year or so I was met with morning calls and texts where I was threatened and degraded. I faced several incidents where my daughter was taken for visits, not returned, and used as bait in efforts to scare me. Authorities would be called to serve as mediators to help get my baby back home and when she did return , I was left afraid to allow her on future visits. The conflict I experienced in efforts to co-parent made life challenging and caused me to question if it was even worth it. I understood that I again put myself in a position to create a life that could happen but at a great cost.

“Mommying” = making things happen despite the chaos! One of our favorite things.. princess brunches and birthdays.

After a short time, it became more and more evident that the goal of co-parenting to meet the best interests of my “mini me” was something that only I found important in my parenting duo. Getting myself and “parent B” on the same page seemed nearly impossible and was not going to happen at that time. So I decided to rethink my goals and values as a mother considering what I could and wanted to do. I could only ensure that I was the best mother I was able to be and could not force my dreams or ideals on anyone else. I learned that co-parenting could only happen with two agreeable parents and sadly I was not in that place with “parent B”. I moved forward with my goal of giving Bree the best life, making sure that she was my number one priority, and ensuring that she was happy and well cared for. I left space and opportunity for “parent B” to come around at his own pace. Sadly, it seemed that the door to such a future closed after he disappeared for some time. I then started wrapping my mind around the idea of successfully single-parenting. The issues of power and control were gone from my life but like hurdles, new problems presented.

Stay tuned for pt. II of Co-parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent: now you see me… now you don’t. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Our Route to Happiness (pt. III): the trial travel run

Before rearranging life for my “mini me” and I to set out and travel the way we dreamed of, I had to first be sure that it was a challenge we were up for. I did not want to make major changes to later find that we were not ready or to realize that extended travel wasn’t really what we wanted. I faced great criticism and skepticism from others when I posed my idea of possibly traveling full-time and homeschooling, which made me question things once or twice. I was often asked “how do you know Bree will adjust well? or ” What if she doesn’t like it? And other times people flat out told me “you’re crazy”. With the majority of the responses I received, I felt that most people around me were so closed-minded and did not understand what I was trying to do. Nor did they consider the stressful years Bree and I endured together and the fact that we needed a break. The biggest concern posed to me was how I could live the life of a traveler with a child. However, that did not discourage me and instead motivated me to find the answer to the question. What would I do to successfully take on this new lifestyle with my child? My top priority was making the right choice for Bree based on my research and facts rather than on unsubstantiated fear. I was bound to do so despite what others thought and said. I would be sure that we found the happiness we were desperately in search of. From what Bree and I discussed, it was likely that travel could provide us what we were looking for… if we were ready for such a change. People who know me well like my best friends and my older sister told me things like “go for it, you’ll never know how ready you are unless you try”. So I planned on organizing a trial travel run to see just how ready we were.
Around December of 2015, my childhood friend Nicole extended an invite for Bree and I to join her overseas. I had shared my interest in exposing Bree to travel with Nicole and it was perfect timing when she offered for us to vacation with her. Nicole was traveling through Southeast Asia at the time and is a friend who has done a great deal of traveling herself. I was ecstatic that I would have the opportunity to wander with her and spend the time away with my little one. Bree and I would be traveling from New York City alone ,on a long flight and spending two weeks away. Initially it sounded scary but we were down to make it happen. And in February of 2016, we were off to the Philippines on Bree’s first international trip; we were off on our trial travel run.

Leaving Manila… ready to explore the other places in the Philippines.

After 20 plus hours of travel we finally arrived in the city of Manila. Upon our arrival we saw many things that came as a shock to us; including the young children roaming around barefoot and poorly clothes without a guardian close by. I perceived the city to be an impoverished one and I knew Bree’s mind was in great thought too based on the questions she posed. In instances such as this one and throughout our travels, I took what we saw as opportunities to educate Bree. I aimed to prepare her for things we could possibly encounter during our journey. I also took the the time to remind her that people all around the world are different and live differently . I wanted her to always strive to be open-minded to such differences despite what she observed and initially perceived. After such chats, Bree seemed less and less shocked by things that we witnessed throughout our trip and was much more understanding. She settled in so easily and everything to her was just irie (pleasing). Things at the beginning of the trip were off to a good start and headed in the direction that I had hoped for. From Manila we ventured off to places such as Puerto Princessa and El Nido, Palawan Islands; places that I can quickly describe as tranquil and breathtaking.

Our trip was one where we took the time to absorb all the beautiful things around us. Instead of hopping in a car or taxi as we usually did at home, we were chauffeured around in Tuk-Tuks (carriage like vehicles carried by motorbikes). Our accommodations were very basic and affordable. We stayed in places surrounded by nature and in places close to the beach with beautiful views. We even had the chance to stay in a man-made tree house, creatively designed with bamboo and sea shell decor. These places were not the luxurious hotels that we familiar with from other family vacations but somehow we appreciated them much more. I guess because the simplicity of these places void of fancy electronics and services allowed my “mini me”and I to relax with great company. They allowed us to truly enjoy time and conversations together without any distractions; they exposed us to environments where we could explore nature around us that we typically did not see at home; and proved to us that we could do with less and actually be happy about it. What we were experiencing taught me a lot about myself and about the life that I was practically killing myself to give us back home in NY. As our trip in the Philippines progressed, what I witnessed from my “mini me” taught me so much more!

Beautiful blue waters and skies in the Palawan Islands (picture by me), February 2016

Entry to our tree house at Bamboo Nest, in Puerto Princessa.

img_3297-1 — Evening view from our hostel balcony, El Nido.

Over the course of our two weeks away in the Philippines, I realized that Bree was the happiest I had seen her in a very long time. Not that she had ever presented to me as a saddened child, but on our journey she was simply glowing; running freely, asking tons of questions, requiring very little, and openly embracing a place very different from home. All of this was a refreshing sight for me. Although I understood how children can easily adapt to new environments, I also knew that such an adjustment can present as a challenge when a new setting is very different from a child’s normal environment. This was the case for me when I spent my summers living abroad in Jamaica between the ages of 7 and 10. At first I had great trouble adjusting and was sometimes in distress missing the things I was used to. Over time I became more comfortable with the things that were initially foreign to me and overall such experiences were some of the greatest that my mother could have ever afforded me. I saw something completely different in Bree however when I assessed her adjustment to her first trip away and everything that I witnessed made me proud.

On her first trip away, A’Bree did not show one sign of unhappiness or poor adjustment to being far away from home, friends, or loved ones. In every activity we participated in, even ones that were new to her or ones that made her afraid (swimming in the ocean and walking among crabs on the beach) she was brave and conquered her fears in instances when she was not. She was fine being vulnerable in situations where she was the new girl who did not speak the language, playing with the locals on the beach; and comfortable being the little brown girl who drew tons of stares and countless numbers of people playing with her braided and beaded hair. She was so joyful and just looking at her I could tell that she felt free. She was delighted to roam around barefoot when she could like the children she saw upon our arrival in Manila, happy to swing in a hammock or fishing net for hours at a time, and so content to simply be in my presence doing some very fun and novel things. She was without television and electronics and our fun entailed made up games, being beach bums searching for sea shells, outdoor play, and exploration. Everything I saw in my daughter was enlightening and gave me hope. Many of her strengths, interests, and character traits came to light as a result of a temporary change in our change in environment. Bree did not appear to be missing her life at home, she was much happier with less, accepted all of the differences that came with visiting a foreign country, and she easily adjusted to such a long journey overseas. After seeing what I saw in her while abroad I knew I didn’t need to see much more. Her question of whether we could “do this forever” solidified things for me. Our trial travel run was over and I knew what we needed to do next. We conquered the test and it was evident that we were ready to plan for extended travel overseas.

My “mini me” swinging happily in a fishing net on the beach.

Belly Dancer silhouettes in the sunset, El Nido.

Beach bumming-it and exploring, photo credit: Ste Lane @northofthewall_

Searching the shore for sea shells, photo credit: Ste Lane @northofthewall_

Our last day in Puerto Princessa where this smile told me everything I needed to know!

Bree and I finished our journey in the Philippines on an even greater note than the one we started on. We were so refreshed and grateful for our experience; and thankful to our friends Nicole and Ste for showing us a wonderful time. We had something great to look forward to and would get busy planning when we arrived back home. I knew I had to get the ball rolling by saving, organizing schooling options, planning for what to do with our apartment/belongings, and discussing the plan with my family. It all sounded doable and I was motivated to do it all. I simply needed to plan and pace myself. However, there was one obstacle that gave me GREAT anxiety and that was facing the non-custodial parent who was bound to give me hell.

Now I promise there is no part IV in this series but I ask that you stay tuned for my next series: Co-parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent. In that series I will share much of the conflict I have experienced with my daughter’s father for the past 7 years, and in part discuss how it impacted my decisions and current journey. Until next time…

xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Our Road to Happiness (pt. II): planning a new route

After years of hard work and dedication to living out my “American Dream”, I grew to a different place mentally. Such growth yielded me to be in search of a life more fulfilling and different from what I am familiar with back home in the states. I realized that the “American Dream” allowed me to reach many of my goals and then this particular dream was not my dream anymore. Nor was it something as close to my heart as it previously had been. I was over working 50+ hours per week for a business that was not my own; tired of spending countless hours away from my little one; confused as to why I accepted dedicating the majority of my earnings to bills and debt; and frustrated with traveling for only one or two weeks out of the 52 weeks in the year to quickly return to work again. Such a routine was less of a dream for me and more of a nightmare. However, I was grateful to have been afforded the opportunity to advance my education, to work as a young professional in a managerial position in my field of study, and blessed to have been in a position to afford my “mini me” and I a comfortable lifestyle; opportunities not available to many people. So I embraced the ideal of the “American Dream” for some time and then accepted the fact that I had outgrown it. I then had my mind set on a new dream; a dream considered very much unorthodox in the minds of many; a dream easier to be embraced by people with a millennial mindset. And in November of 2014, I was on a new mission to make that dream my new reality. I was in pursuit of a new route to our happiness.

A paradise that I had the opportunity to experience while living in Bocas del Toro for one month. Photo by me, December 2016

In November of 2014, I remember siting in my office while my mind wandered elsewhere. I would have very much preferred to have been somewhere else. I was bored of my routine, tired, and barely surviving the cold winter climate in NYC. So to offer myself a little hope and excitement I googled tropical images and dazed at them. I then began researching places opposite the U.S. in terms of culture, food, language, warm climate, etc. Although I was fortunate to live in a city where I could easily get a taste of these things (minus the warm climate part as it was winter) in the diverse neighborhoods around me, I wanted to find a place where I could escape with “mini me” and be totally immersed in these things if I wanted to. A number of places that appealed to me immediately appeared in my search results. So I purchased a travel journal and began compiling a list. This project was something I was very excited about. Despite several of my co-workers thinking that I was nuts and in the stage of some sort of early adult-life crisis, I knew I was just fine and on to something great . As my list of places to wander grew, I knew I needed to narrow it down. I believed that I could better do so by creating a list of things I would hope to do and accomplish in the regions on my list; and then select places based on what stood out to me from my list. However, I knew I could not do this task on my own. I had to consult with none other than my life partner… my “mini me”.

Some of the best conversations I have had, have been with this little face in some very special places; including our picnic blanket in Flushing Meadows Park, in Queens, NY.

Bree and I began regular conversations about changing our lifestyle through travel. We were yearning for culture and were in desperate need of a break. But we were clueless about what exactly we wanted to do and how we would make it happen. Would we take longer vacations together during the year? spend the summer months away? or do the “unthinkable” and make traveling a full-time practice as a single mama-daughter duo? At that time, my then five-year-old said yes to all options… everything was a go for her. I on the other hand needed to guide us towards a more specific goal. To arrive at a better goal, together Bree and I started highlighting many of the things that we loved about our New York life and discussed things that we wanted to get away from. We then talked about what we hoped to find in other places. I also created a threefold question for us to quickly answer each night before bedtime which was “if I had one wish what would I ask for, what would I change, and how would I live my life afterwards if my wish came true”. This question was one Bree and I routinely discussed for about a week until my then five-year-old so maturely and articulately laid out her wish for me, and then it hit me!

Evening conversations before rocking my “mini me” to sleep looked a little something like this.

One evening during our nightly discussion Bree hopefully shared her threefold wish with me. Her wish was something along the lines of “if I had one wish, I would want to spend more time with you! I would wish for more money so you wouldn’t have to work a lot and I would make you a teacher so you could teach me… after that I would just be happy”. As emotional as I could ever be, I held my baby and reassured her with the words “no worries, I got you”. I was uncertain of exactly what I needed to do but it was a start. Bree and I moved on from discussing wishes to watching YouTube videos of places we wanted to visit. In each region , we talked about what we wanted to see and learn. Bree was very much fascinated with Egypt and wanted to learn about architecture, archaeology, and desert animals. She also talked about learning Spanish language. Surprisingly she noted as much as she loved Egypt, she was uncertain about visiting there for safety reasons. She reiterated this point to my good friend Cynthia during a comical car ride where we discussed wandering further. So I introduced Bree to my research findings on places in Central and South America. We were sold on places like Mexico, Costa Rica, Guatemala, and Peru; places where Bree could absorb information about diverse animal life, Maya and Inca cultures famous for great architecture (somewhat similar to the Egyptian culture), gold mining, and craftsmanship. And we would be able to be in the warmer climates we were craving. I began looking into homeschooling options to see if I also had what it took to teach Bree and explored different curriculums.

Things were looking really good and I was feeling very confident. This caused me to kick my research mode into overdrive. I learned the average cost of living in various countries in Central and South America. I then budgeted out the monthly expenses for Bree and I to explore in such regions. I looked up things such as food costs, accommodation, methods and cost of travel, schools, and fun things to do. Once I had an idea of what such an excursion would cost us, I was sold again! The cost for us to survive and explore overseas was significantly less than the massive expenses we held in the states. I decided that my salary from my part-time work position could be used to maintain any bills I had while traveling, and would begin saving a lump sum to be dedicated solely to our travel. After coming to this realization, I was beyond thrilled. Our new dream was looking more and more realistic. However, I had much more work to do; starting with a trial travel period to assess “mini me’s” potential to adjust to life overseas.

On a night where we realized changing our lives to fit our new dream was looking more promising!

Stay tuned for pt III of: Our Road to Happiness

Until next time…

xoxo

Millennial Mom