Humanity – Millennial Mom

Justice for Ilya: A Disheartening Fight for Truth

My beloved Ilya, despite the fatigue I feel in my spirit and the pain that I feel in my heart, I will never stop fighting for you. #Justice4Ilya

By now the Millennial Mom community and friends near and far know of the tragic loss of my dearest love Ilya Pakanayev. December 24th, 2022 was the three year anniversary of Ilya’s death. Although I have hoped and believed that my pain would decrease with time, this year has felt extremely painful. It was likely worse than the pain that I felt on the morning that I received that shocking call and my mourning commenced. This is because I have spent much of 2022 in torment; battling what I wanted for myself and my family as it relates to the fight for Ilya, against the opinions of others. I made the decision in November of 2022 to bring light my late husband’s case for the sake of seeking justice and the full truth. I have traumatically relived the happenings of day one, lost hope in humanity learning new details about Ilya’s case, and I live in a state of confusion daily trying to navigate where to turn next. With many things so uncertain at this time in life, the only thing that I know with great certainty is that I will never stop in my fight for #Justice for Ilya.

From restaurant tables to bathroom stalls, everywhere I go, I’m sharing Ilya’s story. I’m grateful to supporters who have joined in this mission. Spreading awareness is our greatest hope at this time.

If you are unaware of Ilya’s story, in short, he left home on December 23rd, 2019 and never returned. He was traveling from our home in Monticello NY, to his parents in Forest Hills, Queens NY. It was the second night of Chanukah but Ilya never made it to his destination. He was ultimately found in the a.m. hours on Christmas eve, unconscious in a driveway in Southside Jamaica Queens. Upon receipt of a call providing only the details “Ilya’s dead”, I instantly knew that something was very wrong in Ilya’s case but genuinely trusted that authorities would figure it all out. As things stand today, I was naive and wrong in my beliefs. When I went to identify my love at the Queens Medical Examiner’s office, it was there that I learned that Ilya’s case was a criminal investigation.

Detectives later arrived to inform me of the strange happenings in Ilya’s case. I was told that my beautiful husband’s lifeless body was viewed via doorbell camera footage, being carried by two men and dumped in a residential driveway. According to detectives the men were identified and authorities were waiting to interview them. Our family was ultimately told that an investigation was underway and we would be provided updates as developments unfolded. Anxious and desperate for the truth, I called the police precinct persistently for updates hoping that new answers would come promptly, due to the early developments in the case. Week after week, from December of 2019 to March of 2020, when I reached out to the police department, I was told that the case was still moving forward. And then COVID-19 hit and the world went mad. Ilya’s case was passed through different investigative divisions within the NYPD and to the hands/desks of different professionals. Around his birthday in May of 2020, I called the police precinct only to learn that his case had been “closed months ago”. My heart sank and my mind went blank. What came next was more indicators that there was more to Ilya’s case than I had initially thought. This discovery led me down a very dark and lonely road, trying to raise my children while my mind played out traumatic scenarios day after day. I attempted to ignore my grief and in doing so I developed what is known as prolonged bereavement. Ilya’s story has caused me to experience PTSD symptoms. With all of this I have still found the will to go on. Now when people ask how my only answer is “by the grace of G_d”.

Your love and beautiful soul has left my life forever changed. It taught me many lessons including ones about life in general and how to love myself first.

I have found it necessary to take two plus years to process my pain; a task which looks different everyday and a process that will continue for the rest of my life. Through this journey I had to discover my own healing regimen in efforts to best cope with my new reality. This had to be a top priority before I could dedicate myself to fighting for justice for Ilya in a healthy way. In November after feeling tired, disappointed, angry, and desperate for answers, I sprang into action, launching a social media campaign to bring awareness to Ilya’s case. It was 12 long weeks of foot work, completing a long list of responsibilities every single day. New discoveries that came to light during this time were eye opening and disheartening at the same time. And although I believe that I made new strides unlike I had ever made in the past, the words, attitudes, violation of my family’s privacy and wishes, and a complete lack of concern for humanity were more in my face than ever before as I was pursuing this fight, relying on social media. In a situation such as my own, the coldness of the world was too hard to ignore.

Ilya’s resting place in Wellwood Cemetery

Where things stand today, my heart is broken and the hope that I have for humanity dwindles every day. It is thanks to the earthly angels who walk with me through this life and the divine, that I find more strength to keep on in this mission; especially on the days when I am truly ready to give up. I am grateful for the advances that I was able to make at the start of this campaign, with the support of friends, family, and new supporters via our GoFundMe dedicated to raising money for a private investigator and an independent medical examiner. I am thankful to News12 reporter Blaise Gomez for covering Ilya’s story and bringing light to the injustices in his case. And lastly, I am thankful for everyone who has checked on me and supported me through this very painful process. At present, I have strayed away from social media as a tool in this fight. Maybe in the future I will return there. For now I have realized the importance of finding another way. I have been writing for grants to help families like my own, continuing outreach efforts with the team that has joined me in doing so, and relying on my more intimate communities for support. More than ever before I need to redefine and redesign a tribe. Through this pain ridden movement I learned who my tribe truly is.

As always, I wanted to share my truth here to reach anyone who can relate to my pain. I also turn here with hopes that anyone who wishes to connect with me, will reach me. Maybe you’re a widow or a widower too; maybe you’ve suffered a tragic loss; maybe in some area of your life you’ve lost hope; or maybe you’ve realized that your tribe needs some redesigning and through my story you’re reminded that it’s a reality for not only you. Whatever the case, you are not alone and I live to be a resource and supporter to people like us. If you’re reading this today and are drawn to support the #Justice4Ilya campaign, here is how you can help:

1. Donate to and or share our GoFundMe link

2. Participate in outreach efforts by emailing info@justice4iLyaPaka.org to receive info cards via mail that you can distribute in your community

3. Join an upcoming call to assist with sourcing grants or to help brainstorm other ways to reach our goals (email above contact for details)

4. Follow us on Instagram @Just4iLyaPaka

*** These are the ways in which I am currently asking for support in this mission to get answers in Ilya’s mysterious death. I ask that any other effort be discussed with me prior, due to the nature and sensitivity of our situation.

I hope that this write reaches the eyes and hearts of whomever it needs to reach. Sending love and positive energy to my Millennial Mom supporters all over the world and I ask that you keep my family in thoughts and prayers in a similar way. Stay tuned for my next writes including one titled:

My Prayer for All of the Forgotten Ones

There is so much new content waiting to be published here and through my continued dedication to writing, I show my followers who turn to this blog for inspiration and hope that you are never forgotten. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

Raising a Mindful Child: Meditation

40- minute “Mommy and Me” Morning Meditation… start em young!

In my role as a mother, a big part of what I try to teach my oldest little one is mindfulness. A heightened sense of awareness when it comes to her thoughts, feelings, and physical body is something I believe to be so important for healthy development and her survival. Had I learned this concept and its importance at a tender age, I’m sure it would have changed my life. However, I am grateful that I can now teach this virtue to my children as a tool for them to better navigate through this journey called life. And this for me is one of the beauties of parenting; being able to choose what values I share with my children and being able to give them things I may have missed out on.

In recent years, with the things I see happening in the world around me I feel an overwhelming responsibility to raise children who are consciously aware of themselves; the only thing that they are able to control in this life. As a parent who owns this responsibility and understands its importance, I hope to be growing just a few more good people to contribute to the goodness of the world… goodness knows we need more of them!! There are constantly things happening around us that are disheartening, anxiety stirring, and simply difficult to understand. However, it is my belief that we can improve our interactions in the world with our perspective; one that is realistic and in tune. We gain such frame of mind only when we are one with ourselves; and I aim to help my “mini me” understand this idea through Mindfulness Meditation.

We first started this mindfulness mission three years ago… and have had mediation sessions in the cutest places.

Now, the most important part of this blog entry is the “how to meditate with littles”. I know anyone reading this will understand my why for this practice but I hope someone will grasp the how, and be inspired to try it.

The magic of meditation can happen anywhere… by the pool, on a stool, in school!!!! I challenge her to practice it everywhere.

Meditation for us didn’t start out as mediation as first. I mean how can you get a 6-year old (now 9-years) to sit still for 40-minutes without them fidgeting and their mind running rampant? Nearly impossible right?! So what did we do? We dedicated time to what I call “Focused Chats” where we spoke about things such as feelings, thoughts, and how these things influence what we actually do. We would try short periods of silence while being attentive to things we heard or felt in the moment. Following this practice, we would discuss how it made us feel. The creation of a space and opportunity for this practice of focused chatting excited my “mini me” and over time became something she did with no problem. As I introduced formal meditation, it seemed similar to the chats minus the actual speaking. Instead we focused on things such as our breathing, what we heard, and simply enjoyed being silent, still, and relaxed. We started out with our morning Mommy and Me Meditation where Bree would meditate for 7-minutes and then excuse herself if needed. Sometimes I’d be surprised to find that she was sitting still next to me when I opened my eyes. She has since told me that meditation takes her to a good place. I continue to teach her that if we are able to calm our minds (one of the most powerful things in our body) we are able to clear it. This in turn will lead us to better thoughts and behavior following meditation which is what we should strive for to help better ourselves. As mature as this sounds, my daughter grasped it!

In meditating with littles, you gotta get creative! Pick a funky pose, commit to it, and “calm out”.

Today we commit to meditation each morning at 8:30 am. We enhance our sessions by incorporating our oil diffuser with our favorite essential oils and some music for different types of energy typically found on YouTube. We are blessed to be building the life and journey that we want but it’s not always smooth sailing. Life for us is at times crazy, frustrating, and confusing. In the midst of living it, it’s easy to let our minds take us away and run the show. However, we work to calm, clear, and control our minds when we are not allowing it wander and imagine. We are no meditation gurus but we are learning daily and loving what we have found. Meditation is one more tool in our belt that we need as we journey to arrive at genuine happiness and purpose. I challenge you to try it and let me know what it does for you!

She’s a dreamer… and the mind of a dreamer requires its rest 💙

I’ll be sure to share more regarding our meditation practices in the near future so stayed tuned. Until next time…

Xoxo

Millennial Mom

The Superiority Complex: a possible explanation for acts of oppression amongst humanity?

A mother’s thoughts on oppression and race issues in the U.S. and a possible explanation for the perpetuation of such problems

My mini me Bree and her friend Bree entering one of the exhibits at the African-American Museum in Washington, D.C.

This week, my baby girl and I took a trip to the African-American Museum in Washington, D.C. It was such an emotional and enlightening trip to say the least. It gave me insight into the strides that have been made in the U.S. in regards to race issues; in addition to revealing the road that the nation still needs to travel. One of the most powerful exhibits in the museum was that dedicated to young Emett Till. His actual casket was on display to the public and waiting in line to view it, I felt that I was indeed attending a funeral service. Outside of the replicated church, I watched as a young mixed girl sobbed and her mother tried to comfort her. When I then looked at my mini me, there was a look of sadness and confusion in her eyes. I’m sure she wondered why the other young girl was crying. I doubt that she was prepared for what she was about to see and learn but I knew it was important. As much as I often seek to hide the reality of things like how race issues plague this country, I know I will be doing my girl a disservice failing to educate her. So I explained as much as I felt I could about Emett and the following day, my family spent our Friday evening watching the documentary The Untold Story of Emett Till.

My view of the U.S. Capitol from the local bus in D.C.

In my mind as a 28-year-old woman always trying make sense of the oppression of different groups of humanity throughout the world, I never can. So I know understanding this topic as an 8-year-old girl is even more challenging. In the course of educating my daughter in homeschooling lessons, this topic is one we have researched and discussed many times and it is often hard to accept. However, I am committed to helping my little one better understand issues such as oppression, racism, and discrimination; and in my journey to do so many questions and thoughts often come to my mind. In writing about these thoughts now, I hope to enlighten others and encourage them to think about things they have never considered before. I also hope to learn if others share my same sentiments, and hope to be educated by those with differing perspectives.

Each one teach one… Bree 1 helping Bree 2 read an exhibit description

One common theme that I see in eras of segregation, genocide, discrimination, etc. around the world is fear/intimidation covered up by one group of people oppressing others, and preaching this idea of “superiority”. My personal postion about this topic of superiority is one that I actually wrote one year ago. However, I struggled to come around to publishing it before. After my experience this week and my current thoughts, I believe now is a fitting time to share my thoughts with the world.

And one year ago I wrote:

Superiority; a term meaning supreme, higher than, more clever than, or of increased significance. And then there is the ideology known as the Superiority Complex defined as one’s practice of superior attitudes to compensate for or hide inferiority. I often question if the idea of superiority is actuality valid? Or is it a made up construct designed with the purpose of oppressing others?

One of the many captivating images we viewed during our trip throughout the museum

It is evident that people, places, and things can be defined using the term superior. However, when we begin comparing one thing to another; one place to another; or one person to another, use of the term as an adjective just doesn’t give us much detail. One can make statements such as “I am superior, that place is more important, that thing is better”; statements that may very well hold true about a particular person, place, or thing. But in the act of comparing/contrasting one person, place, or thing to another such statements may only be partially true, or may only be the case in one regard versus another. Here are a few examples:

The comparison of people: A female lawyer considered superior in the area of law in contrast to her other colleagues. Outside of law, she is a great runner but a poor dancer; she speaks well in public domains but struggles to effectively communicate with her spouse. And in this lawyer’s circle exists another female lawyer of similar status who is an amazing dancer but she hates running; she gets nervous amongst large groups but in intimate settings people around her would never know this. Who is superior in this case?

The comparison of places: There exists an island surrounded by blue water and black sand, a place appreciated as a location to escape but a place lacking population and activities. A few miles away exists another island with waters not so blue and white sand; very much populated with lots to do but at times noisy. Which place is superior in this case?

Some people would pick lawyer A over lawyer B or island A over island B based on preference. But can it be said that one lawyer or island is superior in comparison to the other? It is my opinion that making such a determination is impossible when comparing things that are completely different. There are a number of factors that can make something/someone/someplace different but different does not indicate superiority.

In our society it has been the norm to distinguish superiority amongst people. This practice is one that seems to serve the negative purpose of dividing groups opposed to encouraging unity based on things that make us the same; or encouraging the acceptance of things that make us unique. Factors such as socioeconomic status, race, education, talent, physical abilities, and physical appearance are a few common characteristics used to separate the “supreme” from the “subordinate”. However, one must ask who determines who is better, more clever, more attractive, more educated, more successful, more athletic, etc. Are these things not based on preference and opinion?

Superiority is an ideology that I do not support as its use serves to separate and divide. Even worse, it is used to compare the uncomparable. It encourages one-sided/ borderline ways of thinking where a person, place, or thing is viewed as all superior and it’s counterpart is not. Or out of two things it only allows for one to be significant and not the other. This belief is out of touch with reality as it is possible for two things to be important/significant in their own rights. As people we should embrace the fact that we are so complex. Consider again for a moment the previous examples, Lawyer A and B who possessed different skills/talents in different domains thus making it impossible to determine who was more significant or better. Island A and B also had individual qualities that would be valuable or important to different people based on interest/preference. These examples are impossible to compare in order to identify the “superior”.

All in all, separating groups based on this idea of superiority seems to be useless although historically it has worked. People just like places and things are different and should be embraced based on such. The efforts to always identify the subordinate seems to be a way to oppress and belittle particular groups. The practice of dividing groups and utilizing oppressive acts to maintain dominate groups within humanity is a practice the human race needs to move away from. It is an insecure practice that may be the result of existing fear within one group, that members of another group pose a threat or have things that they lack. Instead of being intimated in such circumstances, we must embrace what it is that makes us each unique, learn from those who have what we do not, and overall turn intimidation into admiration.

I know that this topic could carry on for forver and I know that I’m very much a dreamer who sometimes has too much hope for humanity. But I am also a realist and understand that there is no one solution to this problem. We have a way to go before we get to a place of better understanding and genuine acceptance of each other. The competitive society that we live in doesn’t make this challenge any easier. However, a united effort to progress is a start. As I often say to my loved ones “we will all be ok if each one teaches one! And as mini me always preaches, we were born for love not hatred.

A quote presented in one of the exhibits that took me back in time for a moment

I hope someone received my thoughts and considered something they hadn’t before, after reading this post. Until my next philosophical piece…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom