love – Millennial Mom

Justice for Ilya: A Disheartening Fight for Truth

My beloved Ilya, despite the fatigue I feel in my spirit and the pain that I feel in my heart, I will never stop fighting for you. #Justice4Ilya

By now the Millennial Mom community and friends near and far know of the tragic loss of my dearest love Ilya Pakanayev. December 24th, 2022 was the three year anniversary of Ilya’s death. Although I have hoped and believed that my pain would decrease with time, this year has felt extremely painful. It was likely worse than the pain that I felt on the morning that I received that shocking call and my mourning commenced. This is because I have spent much of 2022 in torment; battling what I wanted for myself and my family as it relates to the fight for Ilya, against the opinions of others. I made the decision in November of 2022 to bring light my late husband’s case for the sake of seeking justice and the full truth. I have traumatically relived the happenings of day one, lost hope in humanity learning new details about Ilya’s case, and I live in a state of confusion daily trying to navigate where to turn next. With many things so uncertain at this time in life, the only thing that I know with great certainty is that I will never stop in my fight for #Justice for Ilya.

From restaurant tables to bathroom stalls, everywhere I go, I’m sharing Ilya’s story. I’m grateful to supporters who have joined in this mission. Spreading awareness is our greatest hope at this time.

If you are unaware of Ilya’s story, in short, he left home on December 23rd, 2019 and never returned. He was traveling from our home in Monticello NY, to his parents in Forest Hills, Queens NY. It was the second night of Chanukah but Ilya never made it to his destination. He was ultimately found in the a.m. hours on Christmas eve, unconscious in a driveway in Southside Jamaica Queens. Upon receipt of a call providing only the details “Ilya’s dead”, I instantly knew that something was very wrong in Ilya’s case but genuinely trusted that authorities would figure it all out. As things stand today, I was naive and wrong in my beliefs. When I went to identify my love at the Queens Medical Examiner’s office, it was there that I learned that Ilya’s case was a criminal investigation.

Detectives later arrived to inform me of the strange happenings in Ilya’s case. I was told that my beautiful husband’s lifeless body was viewed via doorbell camera footage, being carried by two men and dumped in a residential driveway. According to detectives the men were identified and authorities were waiting to interview them. Our family was ultimately told that an investigation was underway and we would be provided updates as developments unfolded. Anxious and desperate for the truth, I called the police precinct persistently for updates hoping that new answers would come promptly, due to the early developments in the case. Week after week, from December of 2019 to March of 2020, when I reached out to the police department, I was told that the case was still moving forward. And then COVID-19 hit and the world went mad. Ilya’s case was passed through different investigative divisions within the NYPD and to the hands/desks of different professionals. Around his birthday in May of 2020, I called the police precinct only to learn that his case had been “closed months ago”. My heart sank and my mind went blank. What came next was more indicators that there was more to Ilya’s case than I had initially thought. This discovery led me down a very dark and lonely road, trying to raise my children while my mind played out traumatic scenarios day after day. I attempted to ignore my grief and in doing so I developed what is known as prolonged bereavement. Ilya’s story has caused me to experience PTSD symptoms. With all of this I have still found the will to go on. Now when people ask how my only answer is “by the grace of G_d”.

Your love and beautiful soul has left my life forever changed. It taught me many lessons including ones about life in general and how to love myself first.

I have found it necessary to take two plus years to process my pain; a task which looks different everyday and a process that will continue for the rest of my life. Through this journey I had to discover my own healing regimen in efforts to best cope with my new reality. This had to be a top priority before I could dedicate myself to fighting for justice for Ilya in a healthy way. In November after feeling tired, disappointed, angry, and desperate for answers, I sprang into action, launching a social media campaign to bring awareness to Ilya’s case. It was 12 long weeks of foot work, completing a long list of responsibilities every single day. New discoveries that came to light during this time were eye opening and disheartening at the same time. And although I believe that I made new strides unlike I had ever made in the past, the words, attitudes, violation of my family’s privacy and wishes, and a complete lack of concern for humanity were more in my face than ever before as I was pursuing this fight, relying on social media. In a situation such as my own, the coldness of the world was too hard to ignore.

Ilya’s resting place in Wellwood Cemetery

Where things stand today, my heart is broken and the hope that I have for humanity dwindles every day. It is thanks to the earthly angels who walk with me through this life and the divine, that I find more strength to keep on in this mission; especially on the days when I am truly ready to give up. I am grateful for the advances that I was able to make at the start of this campaign, with the support of friends, family, and new supporters via our GoFundMe dedicated to raising money for a private investigator and an independent medical examiner. I am thankful to News12 reporter Blaise Gomez for covering Ilya’s story and bringing light to the injustices in his case. And lastly, I am thankful for everyone who has checked on me and supported me through this very painful process. At present, I have strayed away from social media as a tool in this fight. Maybe in the future I will return there. For now I have realized the importance of finding another way. I have been writing for grants to help families like my own, continuing outreach efforts with the team that has joined me in doing so, and relying on my more intimate communities for support. More than ever before I need to redefine and redesign a tribe. Through this pain ridden movement I learned who my tribe truly is.

As always, I wanted to share my truth here to reach anyone who can relate to my pain. I also turn here with hopes that anyone who wishes to connect with me, will reach me. Maybe you’re a widow or a widower too; maybe you’ve suffered a tragic loss; maybe in some area of your life you’ve lost hope; or maybe you’ve realized that your tribe needs some redesigning and through my story you’re reminded that it’s a reality for not only you. Whatever the case, you are not alone and I live to be a resource and supporter to people like us. If you’re reading this today and are drawn to support the #Justice4Ilya campaign, here is how you can help:

1. Donate to and or share our GoFundMe link

2. Participate in outreach efforts by emailing info@justice4iLyaPaka.org to receive info cards via mail that you can distribute in your community

3. Join an upcoming call to assist with sourcing grants or to help brainstorm other ways to reach our goals (email above contact for details)

4. Follow us on Instagram @Just4iLyaPaka

*** These are the ways in which I am currently asking for support in this mission to get answers in Ilya’s mysterious death. I ask that any other effort be discussed with me prior, due to the nature and sensitivity of our situation.

I hope that this write reaches the eyes and hearts of whomever it needs to reach. Sending love and positive energy to my Millennial Mom supporters all over the world and I ask that you keep my family in thoughts and prayers in a similar way. Stay tuned for my next writes including one titled:

My Prayer for All of the Forgotten Ones

There is so much new content waiting to be published here and through my continued dedication to writing, I show my followers who turn to this blog for inspiration and hope that you are never forgotten. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

Unpublished Gem: Will It Be Forever? pt.II: 3 laws to love by

I lay here on May 21, 2022 at 5:04am on my last day of vacation in Punta Cana, DR (the destination where I married my soulmate) editing this write which I initially drafted on January 29th, 2019- exactly one year and 25 days into my marriage with my dearest love Ilya. Little did I know that 5 days short of 11 months later, December 24, 2019, I’d be receiving the news that the love of my life was dead. And so the last two plus years have been a journey of pain, yearning for understanding, healing, and rollercoaster rides. And last night into today, like many other nights that eventually turn to dusk, I struggle to sleep. Thinking about what was, what could have been, and what will be. A rather chaotic state of mind to dwell in but a real one that I work to soothe and conquer daily. I saw this unpublished draft last night as I scrolled through my written work to find something worthy of being blasted next and knew it would be the one I shared with my readers next. I believe that from just editing this work, I was able to answer the question that my title initially posed. I’ll get into that at the conclusion of this write but first I’ll share with you what I drafted on that day almost 4 years ago…

“I write today simply to encourage other couples that it is indeed possible to survive the most trying of circumstances in a relationship/marriage, if you are willing to do the work. And I write to attest to the fact that no relationship is perfect although most of the things that we absorb around us, work to convince us otherwise. Although I cannot say with certainty what the future holds for my love and I, I sure hope for our forever together and commit to working towards just that, one day at a time. After one year of marriage, here’s a list of principles/ “laws to love by” that we learned and plan to continue to use and master on our journey.

Family holiday shoot, 12.2018

Law #1 Be Our Own Inspiration

1. Remembering our vows and goals always

2. Avoiding comparing our union to “Jack and Jill”

3. Avoiding the pressures of social media/society about what our love should look like

If you know my family or have followed our blogging journey thus far, you are aware of all the things that make us unorthodox/millennials. From the way our littles are raised and schooled, to our religious practices, to our union, to our plans for the future. Most days I’m super proud of the life we are building and then there are days that I question if what we are doing makes sense or is “right”. These doubts have sometimes impacted my relationship with my hubby and encourage me to regularly reflect. So I came up with the law of being our own inspiration so that we consistently aim to be mindful of why we became one to begin with, remember why we established the goals for life that we did, and remind ourselves of the promises we made to each other. We make great efforts to avoid comparing our life to that of others because our love story is ours. And at times when seeking approval and understanding from outside of our union, we can open ourselves up to receive advice and input out of alignment with what we actually need. In our home, “focused chats” are a practice that we’ve started to be sure we are addressing areas of our marriage and family life that we want to grow in.

Law #2 Master Healthy Communication (using the 3 important steps)

1. Determine the goal of the conversation

2. Determining the right time to talk

3. Listen to understand

4. Respond for the purpose of progress, repair, and to do no harm

Update: I was shocked in my marriage to see how great Ilya was at this. I always coined myself the great communicator in our duo. Ilya’s gentle and loving nature made it easy to work through our challenges and communicate better. He’d often joke that he wasn’t bothered by my “little attitude” and encouraged me to promise that we’d never go to sleep angry at one another. I can’t say we were successful every night but we did a darn good job overall.

Law #3 Boundaries

1. Our household first… our plans, our expectations, and our practices FIRST!

2. Individuality- the ability to be ourselves, do what we love, regularly enjoy time apart, and routinely reconvene to work together as one.

Law #4 Love, Love, Love

And at the core of everything that we do and commit to, love, love, love.

At the start of this write, I noted the question posed in my title. Where I am at this point in my healing journey, I can say that my love story is forever. The love and soul connection that I share with my dearest love Ilya is immortal and will live on. We lived out our vows of until death do us part and even in death, Ilya has made his abundant love known to me by way of signs and messages through people near and far, strangers and close friends. I will share more about these unique happenings in future publications including a short book dedicated to these supernatural occurrences. Look out for pieces in my series My Dearest Love Ilya for more on this part of my life. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Like what you’ve read? Have a suggestion for a future blog or have a question? Let me know in the comments. Check out what I’m up to these days here.

The Day a Stranger Fed My Soul: feedback from a follower

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Why is it that we learn the most about a person’s impact on the world after they die? I started to think more and more about this following the death of rapper Nipsey Hussel. To be honest, I had no clue about who he was prior to his death. I only knew who he was after my cousin told me the news and referred to him as “Lauren London’s boyfriend”. Then for weeks as the world prepared to say their last goodbyes to Hussel, I witnessed how many people were truly touched by/mourning his death; celebrities and common-folk alike. I also learned about all of the amazing things that he did for his community and I was inspired. Now this piece is not at all about the latest news in Hip-hop culture. It is however, about the need for us as a people to tell our friends, our loved ones, or even a stranger how they touch our lives… while they exist with us here on earth. This was my experience twice in the past week (this happened in April) where I was on the receiving end of feedback. First happening during a “catch-up” date with a dear friend. My friend opened up to me about the way she viewed me and how I inspired her, and I cried. Hearing what she felt about me was different, a little uncomfortable, and heartwarming all at the same time.

And here’s my gal Nicole… or Kneecole as I often call her. A close friend of many years whom I’ve shared the realest chats with. She can be a little on the shy side so I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing her with you. But she’s been a great support to me for many years, during my toughest times, and I’d scream it from a roof top lol 💙 This is us mingling with the locals on a girls trip in Belize, Fall 2018.

Following the date with my friend, I asked myself why I felt any discomfort during our chat. After all we have been close friends since childhood. I came to realize that I felt weird about receiving positive feedback because I don’t get such genuine recognition enough. I also cried because my friend’s words spoke to my soul and in summary told me to keep pushing because I was doing something right. For some time I have asked mother universe, what is my purpose? who do people understand me to be? and what mark will I leave on the world when my body leaves this earth? Very deep questions, I know but I cannot carry-on in this life without confirmation. And my interaction with my friend was just that. Recently, mother universe again sent me what I asked for…. soul food and feedback; coming by way of a complete stranger in my inbox. The writer wrote:

Tanisha,

I just read your latest post and you are amazing. I first read one of your posts around 2 years ago. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. At that point I had been teaching for about 18 years. I loved the children I taught for years, and for years that kept me there. Then my job started affecting my life and my parenting. One morning when I was really feeling helpless I read your blog about giving everything up and traveling with your daughter. It gave me hope.

Through all my years (in our hometown), I knew your dad. It took me awhile to make the connection. When I saw his picture with your daughter the other day I figured out you were his daughter. Through my 18 years I would see your dad and he always spoke of you. He was always so proud of you and your accomplishments. The year I read your blog I started therapy and gained enough confidence to look for another job after 18 years. I ended up getting a position I love, 6 minutes from my house. I am happy and love my profession again. One day, my son was running a (track & field) meet. I saw your dad and we caught up for awhile. I told him I was looking for a job and he was talking about you and when you used to run. He cheered so loudly for my son that day and my son ran his best race ever. He never reached that time again. I have thought of that day and of you so often through the years. You do not know me, but just know that your words, confidence, and risk taking has made me make huge changes in my life. Thank you for that. I admire your courage!! I also wanted you to know how proud of you, your dad has always been.”

Receiving this message made my week and changed my life. It told me to keep going and so I shall. I end this post with a special message to my friends, family, and followers: tell the people around you what they mean to you! If you have a meaningful experience with a stranger, let them know. We are here for reasons greater than what we think and our interactions with one another help to bring clarity regarding our strengths and the paths that we should travel in life. Our gifts are made to touch others in a special way. What we do or should be doing should be for reasons other than recognition or financial l gain. Here on Millennial Mom, I share my gift of writing and coaching with you. I encourage you to journey through life with purpose! And be true to yourself and that purpose. And last, I advise you not to show up to my funeral crying and carrying on about what I meant to you, if you never told me while I’m here… I’ll call you out lol. I hope someone enjoyed this write. Let me know your thoughts by dropping a comment. Stay tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Get a House and Grow Your Roots”: A “gypsy” woman’s response to criticism

Rare that you see a woman of color and her miniature belly dancing on a beach right? But yes this is us! So much about us makes us such a rare bunch 💙

“Your family is like a gypsy family… no school, moving here moving there. Get a house! Grow your roots in one place” she said to me. The former statement was such a compliment to me and I immediately lit up when I heard it. The latter was the worst advice anyone could have given me, but it was understandable considering the source. Only the people who truly know me would understand why. If you have been a follower of Millennial Mom and have been keeping up with the changes I have made in my life, you know why too.

The words the woman said to me went in one ear and out the other. I felt sad for her! That although leaving her home country full of culture years ago to migrate here to the states (to find whatever she was seeking), she ultimately stopped seeking and became complacent with following the norm. Chasing money, working long hours at one job, finding little time to vacation, and accumulating large debt to live a dream that many of us are not privileged to comfortably live. For most people, this routine is the only way to live. And many people do it with or without complaint; I respect and commend the people who have chosen to live this dream. Then there are those of us who struggle and need a more sensible way to live. For me, this routine derails me from my ultimate goals and dreams. Goals and dreams that I’m repeatedly questioned about and sometimes criticized for having. So I write this post to share why I’m committed to living Tea’s Dream opposed to the one that we often refer to as the American Dream (abbreviated here as AD). And sharing how I often respond to the tough critics who simply do not get it.

Thus far in my life, I’d say I’ve come very far and accomplished a great deal. At one point, I was on the path of living this AD and was very much in agreement with it. Then one day I began to question why we strive for this one dream even when it makes life that much harder for some of us. When pondering this, I was specifically focusing on our practice of assuming large debt for higher education, the purchase of homes that will take long years to pay off, and for the purpose of buying/leasing vehicles. My thoughts initially began following a trip abroad. I remember traveling to the Philippines and being invited by our Tuk-Tuk (a motorized bike taxi) driver to his house. I was shocked to see what the driver and his family called home and I immediately felt bad for them. I didn’t want to accept a drink or the snacks that they offered us, fearing that they may not have had enough for themselves. The driver noticed my reluctance to take what he and his family were offering and then politely taught me something. He reminded me that “mini me” and I were his guests, told me that he was delighted to offer us refreshments, and said that the Philippines is not like America where his sister is a nurse. He stated that “we have much less and we are happy too”. I have since replayed this exchange in my head for the last three years because the meaning and the lesson in this conversation is so deep. Based on what I walked away with, I am constantly evaluating my life and the things that I choose to value.

Prior to shifting my focus toward a new way of living, the AD was something that I valued greatly and it was something that I was determined to achieve. My dedication started in the area of education. My education has always been important to me as I understood early on, how it would impact my ability to sustain the lifestyle that I wanted. Because of this, I was sure to take it serious from the very beginning. I finished high school in great standing and immediately went on to college despite hardship (read about it here). I knew exactly what I wanted to study and planned for it. One thing that I didn’t think through completely was the expense to obtain higher education, especially at the graduate level; and how this would impact me after completion of my degree. This topic isn’t one thoroughly addressed in school either so if you’re not learning this at home or on your own, you learn the hard way later on. But that’s a topic for a different post. Anyhow, I was fortunate to be a recipient of over $60,000 in scholarship funding which made my education affordable. However, practicum hours (3,000 plus) and maintaining the cost to live in NYC while completing my degree and work experience requirements, as a single mother, required me to secure loans to stay afloat. Luckily, the full cost of my education was covered.

Graduating with my M.A. in Forensic Mental Health Counseling from CUNY John Jay College of Criminal Justice, May, 2014.

After completing school and advancing my career, I started working to pay off loans while managing the expense of rent, my vehicle, childcare, and other bills. After a while I began to ask myself “is this life? Is this what I’m expected to do for the rest of mine? And for people like myself who are far from financial wealth, how do you comfortably make this work?” So I began plucking the brains of the people in my life who I believed to have responsibly done it; people I looked up to as good examples. Sadly, the advice I was given took me in a circle and I was right back where I started with the same questions. “New home buyer programs, leasing vs. financing, and repayment plan options” for loans were things I was told to consider. I was already aware of these things and was expecting much better advice. I ultimately decided that instead of looking outward for answers as I often tend to do, I was going to flip things and reverse it (yes I sang Missy Elliot “work it” as I wrote that). I was going to look inward, see what I needed, realize what I could live without, better understand what would make me happy at the end of this life, and change my life’s trajectory. I was going to begin moving according to a new plan that took all of these things into consideration. And so I did! You can read more about the specifics of my journey if you haven’t already, throughout my blog posts including:

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Journey to Tiny House Living: moving from one box to another? … Why?

A New Life Aligned: Meditation and Travel

Our Home… Her School: homeschooling for us

Major changes that I made related to the things at the core of the AD…. my job, my home, and the education that I afforded my daughter. I drafted a plan where we would end our expensive life in one place and instead take on a more affordable life in multiple places (countries). We would spend less time apart for the purposes of learning and working to do so while together, moving at our own pace, according to what was right for us as a family and as individuals. And I recently factored in saving to buy an unconventional home (a tiny house) outright to eliminate the debt and commitment that comes with the purchase of a traditional home, and the senselessness that exists by renting a home that will never be ours. With the amount of research, pros and cons lists, and exploration that I put in prior to setting these goals, I often feel confident with my decisions and plans. In addition, I have always believed that my resilience, hard work, and dedication to my life success have proven my ability to make the most challenging situations into something polished. Although these are my sentiments, it’s not something that everyone can see. And because of this, I often feel pressured to explain and respond to tough criticism regarding my life plans, although I understand that I don’t have to.

“No traditional school for your child? No 9-5 job? No plan to purchase a traditional home? Extended travel for months at a time?” These are some of the questions I’m often asked with pre-judgment, from those inquiring. I was once told that my plans and lifestyle are “careless” and “irresponsible”. The only reasoning I was provided was because there is “no stability and foundation” for my family based on my plans. And for the longest time I thought about these two concepts: stability and foundation and how subjective they are. From person to person, these things have different meanings. From person to person, our needs, wants, and circumstances all differ. So we should therefore strive to attain whatever it is that satisfies these things for us individually. As much as I believed in the past, that this is what most people do, I learned otherwise during the course of answering questions and responding to criticism about my practices. I started to feel as if I was viewed in a negative light for wanting to live an alternative lifestyle with benefits for my entire family. And this was quite bothersome because people have provided me little support for why they believe what I am striving for to be so careless. Thankfully such feedback hasn’t changed my mind about what I hope to accomplish and I am grateful for these conversations.

I have engaged in numerous talks (many happening thanks to my shares here on Millennial Mom) where I have clarified many misconceptions regarding some of my family practices such as homeschooling, extended travel, and journeying to live tiny. I have given many people something to think about and have received great responses … even from complete strangers. In addition to the many other things that I value, such dialogue is important to me. As I constantly evaluate my practices vs. my purpose (blog post coming soon) I hope to encourage others, and stimulate more independent thinking and living.

In my 30- years (I just celebrated another year on 5/22), here’s what I have discovered. As a people we’ve gotten too accustomed to following an outline, the majority, or the norm; being told what to think and how; feeling pressured to live a particular lifestyle out of fear, straying away from doing our own searching, and failing to truly follow what our hearts want. In my counseling work and personal life, I see this pattern too often. I repeatedly learn about the dreams that people wish they followed, why they didn’t, and the mistakes they made. Pressure from parents, desire to please the spouse, need to comfort the kids… all common responses I’ve heard about reasons dreams and plans got away from people on particular paths. I’m eager to not make this my life as I value maintaining genuine happiness and persistently attaining new knowledge much more than following what society believes is right for me. I am dedicated to navigating life’s journey according to my purpose. So I have regular check-ins with my heart and present my findings to my brain. Recently after doing so, I had to ask myself a series of questions to see just where I stand in relation to tho AD.

This clean illustration by lawyer and cartoonist Victor Chew captures how I view the AD oh too well!!! @victorexpat IG

Is it responsible to purchase a home or car that I’ll have to work and pay for, for a significant part of my life? Maybe

Is this something I could do? Yes, miserably and uncomfortably

Is this something I want to do? Absolutely not.

Is it considered “living” to me if I settle in one place, commit to working for 40 plus years at job to secure retirement and pay for material things? Not At All!!!

Here’s why:

In my life I hope to continue making as many countries in the world, our home! I’d rather pay for my children to live like royalty at a price that leaves me feeling content rather than fearful. I wish to eliminate the stress from my husband, of having to work long hard hours just to cover our basic expenses. I will live and love in a space that provides just what my family needs at a cost that allows me to make greater investments… like the purchase of farmland that my daughter asked me about, one year ago where we will one day park a tiny home and grow what our stomachs and hearts desire. I yearn for the freedom to go where my heart leads me and where the universe calls me without any burdens to hold me back. All of this is for the purpose of our genuine happiness that I first wrote about at the start of Millennial Mom. And that comes with making more memories minus all the materials, seeing new places, people, and cultures, and continuing to find peace in our minds and body, in nature. Today I’m just praying for my family’s continued faith that there is more than one way, and their understanding that the universe always has our backs. I’m far from crazy, or lazy, or careless. I’m simply trying to help my family grow without sacrificing the things that mean the most.

So the the masses that say, “grow your roots”, my roots are grounded! My trunk is grown, my branches are in place… just wait for the twigs and leaves/flowers to come. They will be a beauty and with the seasons they will change 🙏🏾. (As if I don’t have a enough to do, I am in the process of painting an oil on canvas piece as self-therapy, that I’ll call Tea’s Tree. I will share in a future post when I’m finished so look out for that.) And the people who see me as a “gypsy”, I’m flattered, thank you!

It felt good sharing this with my readers. I hope you take away the message that not everyone is going to get you. But don’t let that hinder you from doing you. We all know what’s best for us and although our choices may not always reflect that, they are things that we must live with and learn from 💙. If this post gave you a thought, or inspiration, drop a comment or emoji below (I love them). Have questions, advice, or feedback? Let a mama know. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Instead of buying your children all the things you never had, you should teach them all the things you were never taught. Material wears out but knowledge stays” – Bruce Lee

Will It Be Forever?: 4 unique lessons that year one of marriage taught me

My darling husband and I celebrated one year of marriage on January 4th, 2019 and celebrated three years together as a couple on December 27th, 2018. In this time together we have learned a great deal about what married life really is. I can’t speak for my husband but I can definitely say that I had a few things twisted. I write to share some of my misconceptions and enlightenment here. I know I will have many more realizations in the future and will discover more than what I know now. I pray that these lessons prepare me to persevere through everything that comes along with marriage. Before I delve into what year one has been, I ask that my readers with the ability to keep it real weigh in, in the comments to share some tips and “laws to love by” with me. And if not, Becoming Michelle Obama can continue to be one of my guides to marital success🙏🏾.

Learning about the union of a couple I absolutely adore via this read here 🤗

Lesson 1

In 365 days, I came to realize how easy it can be for outside factors to impact a marriage; some of the biggest factors for us being work schedules and family expectations from relatives outside of our household. These two things weighed heavy on our relationship in year one and created a great deal of pressure that didn’t seem to exist before our marriage. I’m not 100% sure as to why this is but I think this added pressure is the result of a new perception that kinda surfaces after marriage. A perception that tells you that in every way, you and your spouse should always be moving in the same direction; should always be on the same page; and should always be working towards the same goal. And when this is not in fact the case, chaos can erupt. But the lesson that I learned as a resolve to this challenge is how to establish and maintain firm boundaries. Boundaries that take into account my husband and I as individuals and boundaries reached after compromise. As we moved through our first year of marriage we quickly learned the importance of partitioning different aspects of our life to keep our union safe from the input, distraction, and pressure of outside factors. However, creating boundaries for the protection and success of our marriage has not been an easy task. On days when things were chaotic, I just wanted to know that what we were experiencing would eventually be ok. This brings me to my next lesson learned…

Lesson 2

“Misery loves company” but won’t find the company it seeks if the issue at hand is marital trouble. I’m speaking from experience and I’ll elaborate on what I mean. First, let me be clear that this cliche saying does not hold the same meaning here. I was never a miserable wife wishing for the same for someone else. But when challenges would arise in my relationship and I was anxious or worried about what would be (my “misery”), I was seeking some support (the “company”); words from a peer… another wife or newlywed who experienced a similar struggle who could comfort and reassure me. However, such people were nearly impossible to find. What I did find was numbers of people who put on a front and the face of “we don’t have those problems” or any problems at all. People reluctant to discuss the struggles of their own relationships/marriages and people more interested in portraying marriage as “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day (y’all are my inspiration 🙄 NOT). So I found that when going through the trenches, I would not always be so lucky to find support outside of my marriage. Instead, my husband and I had to be that support to one another, work through things we were not happy with, and make the most of life’s lemons which brings me to…

Lesson Three

Live like married life is “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day 😂. Notice I say live here rather than portray, as I did in the previous paragraph where I referenced the perfect marriage pretenders. With lesson three, I’m not saying that I mastered how to be deceitful or an actress when it came to sharing the reality of my marriage. However, I learned to be mindful of all the cute and joy sparking things in my marriage to get through the tough days (can you tell I’ve been watching Marie Kondo in Tidying Up ???). Like on the days when my husband picked up overtime after our baby arrived and I was working from home, trying to prepare dinner, and finish homeschool assignments. I taught myself to remember things like the week prior when he left work early and arrived home with takeout and flowers just because. It was the practice of routinely remembering these sweet and loving gestures that steered rough days in a better direction; and kept me from booting my husband in the head upon his arrival at home whenever he stayed late at work (I love and hate overtime lol). And maybe I had a few things twisted when it came to marital support. Maybe my expectation of finding a supportive peer was unrealistic. However, it’s something that I believe we all need to get through life. The words and encouragement of someone living a similar journey, to remind you that you are not alone. I made it through year one of marriage without much of this kind of support (except for the unwavering support of my mother whom I owe my life) but repeatedly asked God for it. In the midst of seeking support I also said that part of my purpose would be to be one to someone else. So here I am writing. And 10 days into the new year, I found my support… something and someone truly amazing. I’ll share more about what and who I found in a future post but God definitely sends angels and is always right on time. Now on to…

Lesson 4

One of the most important things that I grasped in year one of married life is for hubby and I to be our own inspiration. After learning lessons two and three, I realized that I could easily be misled if I was always seeking “company” and testimony from my peers about their marital life and struggles. Or even looking to social media questioning if picture perfect families ever had bad days. So instead, I regularly reminded myself of my vows (you can read them here: A Promise to My Dearest Love), my relationship goals, and the reason why my husband and I came together as one to begin with. Our story is so unique (you can learn more about it by reading our intro Getting To Know Us) and we need to continue to write it to be just that without replicating what other people have done or are doing. In the act of writing our story, regular communication, planning, and review is necessary; planning of where we hope to be and review of the strides we are actually making.

Will It Be Forever?

With this new knowledge, I sometimes question will it be forever? Do we have what it takes to make it? I am unable to say with certainty especially because I do not know God’s plan for my life. However, with where I am today I hope for a forever fairytale with my hubby. And we can only get there by doing the work, one day at a time. I am happy and grateful for my first year of marriage which has better equipped me to journey towards year two. So much has changed for my husband and I since day one but the two things that have remained the same are our love for each other and dedication to our relationship. We have faced some unique challenges that most newlyweds typically don’t experience. However, we survived 1,120 days together including year one as husband and wife, despite the trials we have faced. I’ll one day be ready to share in detail more about our struggles but for now that’s not what’s important… how we have conquered our troubles is. I pray that we strengthen our union as we work towards forever.

I hope someone enjoyed reading this post and was inspired by at least one thing shared here. Remember to drop a line in the comments section whether it be a tip, question, or emoji. I plan to share more about my life as Mrs. Paka in the near future so stay tuned. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

The Superiority Complex: a possible explanation for acts of oppression amongst humanity?

A mother’s thoughts on oppression and race issues in the U.S. and a possible explanation for the perpetuation of such problems

My mini me Bree and her friend Bree entering one of the exhibits at the African-American Museum in Washington, D.C.

This week, my baby girl and I took a trip to the African-American Museum in Washington, D.C. It was such an emotional and enlightening trip to say the least. It gave me insight into the strides that have been made in the U.S. in regards to race issues; in addition to revealing the road that the nation still needs to travel. One of the most powerful exhibits in the museum was that dedicated to young Emett Till. His actual casket was on display to the public and waiting in line to view it, I felt that I was indeed attending a funeral service. Outside of the replicated church, I watched as a young mixed girl sobbed and her mother tried to comfort her. When I then looked at my mini me, there was a look of sadness and confusion in her eyes. I’m sure she wondered why the other young girl was crying. I doubt that she was prepared for what she was about to see and learn but I knew it was important. As much as I often seek to hide the reality of things like how race issues plague this country, I know I will be doing my girl a disservice failing to educate her. So I explained as much as I felt I could about Emett and the following day, my family spent our Friday evening watching the documentary The Untold Story of Emett Till.

My view of the U.S. Capitol from the local bus in D.C.

In my mind as a 28-year-old woman always trying make sense of the oppression of different groups of humanity throughout the world, I never can. So I know understanding this topic as an 8-year-old girl is even more challenging. In the course of educating my daughter in homeschooling lessons, this topic is one we have researched and discussed many times and it is often hard to accept. However, I am committed to helping my little one better understand issues such as oppression, racism, and discrimination; and in my journey to do so many questions and thoughts often come to my mind. In writing about these thoughts now, I hope to enlighten others and encourage them to think about things they have never considered before. I also hope to learn if others share my same sentiments, and hope to be educated by those with differing perspectives.

Each one teach one… Bree 1 helping Bree 2 read an exhibit description

One common theme that I see in eras of segregation, genocide, discrimination, etc. around the world is fear/intimidation covered up by one group of people oppressing others, and preaching this idea of “superiority”. My personal postion about this topic of superiority is one that I actually wrote one year ago. However, I struggled to come around to publishing it before. After my experience this week and my current thoughts, I believe now is a fitting time to share my thoughts with the world.

And one year ago I wrote:

Superiority; a term meaning supreme, higher than, more clever than, or of increased significance. And then there is the ideology known as the Superiority Complex defined as one’s practice of superior attitudes to compensate for or hide inferiority. I often question if the idea of superiority is actuality valid? Or is it a made up construct designed with the purpose of oppressing others?

One of the many captivating images we viewed during our trip throughout the museum

It is evident that people, places, and things can be defined using the term superior. However, when we begin comparing one thing to another; one place to another; or one person to another, use of the term as an adjective just doesn’t give us much detail. One can make statements such as “I am superior, that place is more important, that thing is better”; statements that may very well hold true about a particular person, place, or thing. But in the act of comparing/contrasting one person, place, or thing to another such statements may only be partially true, or may only be the case in one regard versus another. Here are a few examples:

The comparison of people: A female lawyer considered superior in the area of law in contrast to her other colleagues. Outside of law, she is a great runner but a poor dancer; she speaks well in public domains but struggles to effectively communicate with her spouse. And in this lawyer’s circle exists another female lawyer of similar status who is an amazing dancer but she hates running; she gets nervous amongst large groups but in intimate settings people around her would never know this. Who is superior in this case?

The comparison of places: There exists an island surrounded by blue water and black sand, a place appreciated as a location to escape but a place lacking population and activities. A few miles away exists another island with waters not so blue and white sand; very much populated with lots to do but at times noisy. Which place is superior in this case?

Some people would pick lawyer A over lawyer B or island A over island B based on preference. But can it be said that one lawyer or island is superior in comparison to the other? It is my opinion that making such a determination is impossible when comparing things that are completely different. There are a number of factors that can make something/someone/someplace different but different does not indicate superiority.

In our society it has been the norm to distinguish superiority amongst people. This practice is one that seems to serve the negative purpose of dividing groups opposed to encouraging unity based on things that make us the same; or encouraging the acceptance of things that make us unique. Factors such as socioeconomic status, race, education, talent, physical abilities, and physical appearance are a few common characteristics used to separate the “supreme” from the “subordinate”. However, one must ask who determines who is better, more clever, more attractive, more educated, more successful, more athletic, etc. Are these things not based on preference and opinion?

Superiority is an ideology that I do not support as its use serves to separate and divide. Even worse, it is used to compare the uncomparable. It encourages one-sided/ borderline ways of thinking where a person, place, or thing is viewed as all superior and it’s counterpart is not. Or out of two things it only allows for one to be significant and not the other. This belief is out of touch with reality as it is possible for two things to be important/significant in their own rights. As people we should embrace the fact that we are so complex. Consider again for a moment the previous examples, Lawyer A and B who possessed different skills/talents in different domains thus making it impossible to determine who was more significant or better. Island A and B also had individual qualities that would be valuable or important to different people based on interest/preference. These examples are impossible to compare in order to identify the “superior”.

All in all, separating groups based on this idea of superiority seems to be useless although historically it has worked. People just like places and things are different and should be embraced based on such. The efforts to always identify the subordinate seems to be a way to oppress and belittle particular groups. The practice of dividing groups and utilizing oppressive acts to maintain dominate groups within humanity is a practice the human race needs to move away from. It is an insecure practice that may be the result of existing fear within one group, that members of another group pose a threat or have things that they lack. Instead of being intimated in such circumstances, we must embrace what it is that makes us each unique, learn from those who have what we do not, and overall turn intimidation into admiration.

I know that this topic could carry on for forver and I know that I’m very much a dreamer who sometimes has too much hope for humanity. But I am also a realist and understand that there is no one solution to this problem. We have a way to go before we get to a place of better understanding and genuine acceptance of each other. The competitive society that we live in doesn’t make this challenge any easier. However, a united effort to progress is a start. As I often say to my loved ones “we will all be ok if each one teaches one! And as mini me always preaches, we were born for love not hatred.

A quote presented in one of the exhibits that took me back in time for a moment

I hope someone received my thoughts and considered something they hadn’t before, after reading this post. Until my next philosophical piece…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Mom To Me… A special poem from my mini me 💓

As a mom, I sometimes question myself and wonder about the job that I’m doing in this role. Does my mini me understand me? Does she respect my choices? Is she happy with me as her momma? There was a point when these thoughts regularly plagued my mind; especially when it was just mini me and I. I sometimes had to make sacrifices in order to run our household that I know made her sad. And I would be super hard on myself but had few options. However, one of the biggest blessings came when my daughter was old enough to communicate her feelings and mature enough to understand our reality. Even then I worried a little but I was always comforted when I would hear my daughter speak about me to others; or when I would read things she wrote about me. Recently she came to me with a poem she wrote for me and her words confirmed that she indeed gets it all.

And she wrote:

Mom To Me

By: A’Bree Inez

You held me when I was just so small

All I could hear was your little call

All I could feel was your little touch

This is why you’ll always mean so much

You’re the resource I will always need

You’re like a flower that stared with a little seed

I feel sad when you’re not there

So I think about you everywhere

I’m happy that I’m your mini me

I’m happy that you are mom to meXoxo,

A’Bree Inez

I’ll be sure to share more gems like this one from my little one in the future. Until then…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

A Promise to my Dearest Love… my wedding day vows

Since the day that I committed to my husband, I ever so often go back and read the vow that I made to him; and I get very emotional every single time. My words were true from the bottom of my heart and the promise to my dearest love went a little something like this…

“My dearest love Ilya,

As we gather here today in the presence of just a few of our closest family and friends, I am truly overwhelmed with emotion and I know that I am one of the happiest girls in the world. I have always dreamt that this day would come but I never imagined this special day on this beautiful beach; nor did I dream of you. The universe has truly blessed me with you and everything that you bring to my life. You are much more than I could have ever asked for. Your patience, your dedication, your honesty, and your love are only a few qualities about you that I adore.

I stand here today prepared to commit myself as your wife not because things have been perfect for us, not because things have been easy for us, and not because I anticipate that our future will be these things every day. But because in our journey together over the past few years, I have learned that we have what it takes to be lovers and friends even when times are dark; the dedication to be life long companions, and the determination to make it through when the roads are rough and our way is not so clear.

From the day that I met you I was surprised by how easy you were to love; honored to be in your presence, and blown away by that fact that you openly accepted me despite what others had to say. Your acceptance humbled me and I can never forget the way that you embraced A’Bree and I after I told you that we are a two for one special. You took us as we were and were eager to make us a part of your world. And you have made me very happy and comfortable every step of the way. You restored my faith in love when I was doubtful and have been committed to me every single day. I appreciate how you have worked tirelessly to better understand me and how you have made great efforts to make a better life for yourself, me, and our daughter. For this I am forever grateful! You are the only partner that I need by my side on this journey through life.

As I commit to being your wife, I promise to cherish our union and our first days together as they helped build the foundation for the love that we have today. I promise to remain the same funny spirit you first fell in love with. I promise to be the one thinking outside of the box approaching our obstacles with ideas that are far from traditional. I will ensure that our life is full of adventure and I will depend on you to keep me grounded when I have truly gone out of my mind. I promise to be your number one fan and supporter in all that you do. I promise to care for you during your time of need. I promise to be your forever partner working to do what is best for our family. I promise to be faithful and dependable and with all of these promises I vow to give you my love every single day until my last breath.

I love you”

I hope someone’s heart was warmed from reading this. Thus far, married life has been such a beautiful experience and my husband is truly one of my biggest blessings. Continue to follow our love story. I’m sure we will one day have to share about the days when marriage isn’t a bed of roses. Until then…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Exciting News & Travel Blues

A mom’s journey through Jewish conversion, marriage, parenting, and pregnancy while balancing work full-time, private practice, and an undying inner desire to continue travel.

After months of being away from this project of blogging due to massive amounts of work to balance, I am slowly getting back to business with so much to share. Being that I am uncertain of where to begin, I guess I can simply start with an update; what we have been up to the past few months, what we have planned, and overall how we are progressing despite the travel blues. And although my mini me and I are struggling a little temporarily being back to a monotonous routine, there are some exciting things unfolding in our lives that are keeping us going.

So what have we been up to you ask? So much to say the least. So let’s start with the excitement first. I am happy to announce that as of January of this year, I officially converted to Judaism and wed with the love of my life according to the laws of the Torah. My Mikveh (bath where Jewish rituals are performed) and wedding ceremonies were absolutely beautiful and more than I could ask for. I became one with my husband on a beautiful private beach in Punta Cana, DR and completed my conversion in the same region. I was blessed to be under the guidance of such a loving, empowering, and accepting teacher; Rabbi Ancel Solomon. I will be sure to share all of the details of my journey in an upcoming blog post dedicated solely to my conversion and my big day titled: Ani l’dodi v’dodi li- I Am My Beloved…

Conversion documents in hand with the biggest smile on my face! Baruch HaShem A’donai 🙌🏾 01:2018[/c[/c

Circling my handsome groom 7 times symbolic of the forming of our family and my protection over him 💙 1:4:18

My conversion and wedding ceremony were two life events that truly humbled me and brought me such joy after feeling so blue being back in the states. And the universe did not stop there! As I have learned over the past few years, nothing in life is ever definite and I am in control of very little in my life despite what I often like to believe. Things are forever changing no matter how much we plan. So I do my best to prepare by leaving room for change, a delay, or something unexpected; and that is exactly what my little family and I had to do after learning that a little baby was growing in my tummy in January. I will share all about this blessing in an upcoming post titled Pregnancy After the 9.

My biggest blessings… my babies! A’Bree Inez and A’Brahm Ilián, gender reveal 3:10:18

As you can see, so much has changed for us and there is so much to look forward to in the months ahead. And guess what… there’s more exciting news! We recently welcomed a new fur baby into our home and hearts and he has occupied my time and mind; and made me think less about being back to U.S. life. I am instead enjoying all of the love that has filled my home and preparing for new adventures. We are looking forward to growing older with our fur pup and can’t wait for him to meet baby Abe.

Meet our big man who is actually quite tiny… Milo Paka 💙 03:2018

A religious conversion, a marriage, news of pregnancy, and a new pup! What more can there be? Well I believe that sums up most of what’s going on in our lives and in addition to all of these amazing things we are in the beginning stages of our journey to tiny house living!

Tiny house tours with my mini me – 4:15:18

The crazy thing is all of these things are ones that I have prayed for, for a short time and it’s so crazy how they have effortlessly fallen into place. With all of these blessings, how on earth can one be blue? I believe my life in the past year and all of the recent events that have unfolded are representative of mother universe telling me “never be blue baby girl… how many times must I show you that I got you? There is no doubt in my mind that we are truly blessed and highly favored.

Altogether, I can say that I am happy preaching about my exciting news opposed to venting about my travel blues. All of these life changing events have practically cured my blues and I cannot wait to share what comes next for us as the #Pakafamilypartyof4. Although we are expecting a new baby in July of 2018, travel is still very big on the agenda… Italy and Southeast Asia here we come, beginning September 2018. Stayed tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Some of my biggest supporters… Punta Cana, DR – 1:4:18

Living “Lavishly” on Less Than $25k: extended travel on a budget

Over the past few months I have repeatedly been hit with the question “how did you do it?? Wasn’t traveling for 7 months expensive??? And from this, I felt it important to share my tricks and tips on financially making extended travel possible on a budget.

The answer to the most commonly asked question that people pose when learning about our journey is no! Traveling for 7 months was not expensive and it is totally possible. So here is what we did.

We live for an amazing sunset! Puerto, Viejo, Costa Rica

1. Planned like crazy

We initially analyzed our monthly expenses in New York City to simply be reminded how ridiculously expensive things were for us. We then considered places we wanted to visit and began comparing the cost in those areas to what we spent in NYC monthly. After we completed a list of places we wanted to visit, we calculated the average cost for a family of three to live there for one month, and threw in a few hundreds extra just to be safe. We calculated a budget for the 7 months and got busy saving.

2. Saved our coins

Once we learned how much money we would need for our journey, we got busy saving. Being that our expenses in NYC were high, saving was challenging so we had to get creative. We started a savings jar that we contributed loose change to daily. We cut out eating out and put the money that we would typically spend on lunch into our saving fund. We collected bottles and would return them to the market each month to receive a bottle deposit refund. I participated in paid online surveys to raise a little extra money, and discontinued cable in our home. We tried to cut out any extra expenses that we could live without. 6 months prior to our journey, we sold everything in our apartment which brought in a large sum of money for us. We had weekly yard sales, posted on selling apps, and took our expensive items to consignment shops. In my free time, I did hair and makeup on the side to raise extra funds. Whatever money I had left over from my pay check after paying bills went to our travel saving account. At the end of everything, we were able to save over $16,000 USD for our trip.

3. Book a one-way ticket abroad and home

After we saved and allocated funds for our trip, we vaguely mapped out where we wanted to go and booked a one-way ticket to destination one and a one-way ticket back home from our last destination (essential to finalize our travel insurance). We picked our first destination and the ones to follow based on the best seasons to visit each place. We decided that we would use various means of transportation to travel to each of our destinations including land, water, and air travel. Whenever we needed to fly, we used special websites known for discounted airfare and only booked one-way tickets as we found it to be cheaper; and we often did not require roundtrip tickets being that we moved about.

4. Moved in with family

In efforts to continue saving money, to eliminate a crazy rent expense, and to still live comfortably after giving up all of our furniture, we moved in with family.

5. Purchase luggage

One of the last things we did before we set off on our journey was purchasing backpacking luggage for our family of 3. By trial and error, we practiced how to pack light and carry our backpacks.

6. Doctors appointments and insurance

As it got closer to the time for us to set out on our journey, we went to see our doctors for checkups and to secure medication for our time away. We then purchased inexpensive insurance plans that would cover us if we became ill abroad. A package for 3 people cost $ 150 USD for 7 months.

7. Book first destination airbnb

A few weeks before departure, we booked a place to stay via airbnb to avoid the hassle of doing so once we arrived at our first destination. During the course of our trip we used airbnb, Homeaway, and locals to help secure accommodation. We often found accomodation ranging from $15 USD per night to $40 USD per night. There were times we could splurge on a nice hotel or home when we came in under budget which was always nice; or we would eat out somewhere fancy which I loved.

8. Set out and stick to the budget

Following these minor steps, we left school and work and set out on our trip. We made sure we stuck to our budget to avoid running out of money. I maintained a notebook to be on task with budgeting and practiced a few routines to help with this. In areas where we needed to exchange money, we did so in the airport to get the best exchange rate. We shopped at local markets, ate the meal of the day whenever we ate out, cooked at home, and brought snacks on outings when we could. We also got accustomed to walking everywhere to eliminate travel expenses and downloaded maps to help us. We tried hard to do much of what a local would do to save money and it all worked out.

Ready to set out with all our luggage and gear

After all, we were able to live very nicely in each destination that we traveled to. In fact we spent about $12,600 for the 7 months we were away, and travled to Peru (Lima, Huacachina, Cuzco, and Puno), Panama (Panama City and Bocas del Toro), Costa Rica (San Jose, Monteverde, and Puerto Viejo), Nicaragua (Managua and Big Corn Island), Colombia (Bogota and Medellin), and Mexico (Playa del Carmen, Cancun, and Tulum). Our expenses for 7 months in all of these regions were equal to the cost for our expenses for 3-4 months in the states. Much of what we did were things that would be difficult for us to enjoy in the states. We got so much for our money and often felt that we were living lavishly. I was lucky to maintain remote employment to save for life when we returned home and to maintain expenses I had including loans, credit cards, and my vehicle that I was unable to sell prior to traveling. I signed up for income-based programs/options wherever possible and everything worked out very easy. The one tip that I will emphasize for anyone interested in trying this out, is researching the expenses for the places you will travel to, and allow yourself enough time to plan and save. I believe I have mastered these steps and feel well prepared to plan and budget for our next trip.

Such a tranquil sight… Big Corn Island, Nicaragua

I hope I have not missed anything but will be sure to add anything I may have forgotten at a later date. If you are interested in more details about blogs I used or websites I found helpful in the course of planning my travel, feel free to message me. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom