marriage – Millennial Mom

Unpublished Gem: Will It Be Forever? pt.II: 3 laws to love by

I lay here on May 21, 2022 at 5:04am on my last day of vacation in Punta Cana, DR (the destination where I married my soulmate) editing this write which I initially drafted on January 29th, 2019- exactly one year and 25 days into my marriage with my dearest love Ilya. Little did I know that 5 days short of 11 months later, December 24, 2019, I’d be receiving the news that the love of my life was dead. And so the last two plus years have been a journey of pain, yearning for understanding, healing, and rollercoaster rides. And last night into today, like many other nights that eventually turn to dusk, I struggle to sleep. Thinking about what was, what could have been, and what will be. A rather chaotic state of mind to dwell in but a real one that I work to soothe and conquer daily. I saw this unpublished draft last night as I scrolled through my written work to find something worthy of being blasted next and knew it would be the one I shared with my readers next. I believe that from just editing this work, I was able to answer the question that my title initially posed. I’ll get into that at the conclusion of this write but first I’ll share with you what I drafted on that day almost 4 years ago…

“I write today simply to encourage other couples that it is indeed possible to survive the most trying of circumstances in a relationship/marriage, if you are willing to do the work. And I write to attest to the fact that no relationship is perfect although most of the things that we absorb around us, work to convince us otherwise. Although I cannot say with certainty what the future holds for my love and I, I sure hope for our forever together and commit to working towards just that, one day at a time. After one year of marriage, here’s a list of principles/ “laws to love by” that we learned and plan to continue to use and master on our journey.

Family holiday shoot, 12.2018

Law #1 Be Our Own Inspiration

1. Remembering our vows and goals always

2. Avoiding comparing our union to “Jack and Jill”

3. Avoiding the pressures of social media/society about what our love should look like

If you know my family or have followed our blogging journey thus far, you are aware of all the things that make us unorthodox/millennials. From the way our littles are raised and schooled, to our religious practices, to our union, to our plans for the future. Most days I’m super proud of the life we are building and then there are days that I question if what we are doing makes sense or is “right”. These doubts have sometimes impacted my relationship with my hubby and encourage me to regularly reflect. So I came up with the law of being our own inspiration so that we consistently aim to be mindful of why we became one to begin with, remember why we established the goals for life that we did, and remind ourselves of the promises we made to each other. We make great efforts to avoid comparing our life to that of others because our love story is ours. And at times when seeking approval and understanding from outside of our union, we can open ourselves up to receive advice and input out of alignment with what we actually need. In our home, “focused chats” are a practice that we’ve started to be sure we are addressing areas of our marriage and family life that we want to grow in.

Law #2 Master Healthy Communication (using the 3 important steps)

1. Determine the goal of the conversation

2. Determining the right time to talk

3. Listen to understand

4. Respond for the purpose of progress, repair, and to do no harm

Update: I was shocked in my marriage to see how great Ilya was at this. I always coined myself the great communicator in our duo. Ilya’s gentle and loving nature made it easy to work through our challenges and communicate better. He’d often joke that he wasn’t bothered by my “little attitude” and encouraged me to promise that we’d never go to sleep angry at one another. I can’t say we were successful every night but we did a darn good job overall.

Law #3 Boundaries

1. Our household first… our plans, our expectations, and our practices FIRST!

2. Individuality- the ability to be ourselves, do what we love, regularly enjoy time apart, and routinely reconvene to work together as one.

Law #4 Love, Love, Love

And at the core of everything that we do and commit to, love, love, love.

At the start of this write, I noted the question posed in my title. Where I am at this point in my healing journey, I can say that my love story is forever. The love and soul connection that I share with my dearest love Ilya is immortal and will live on. We lived out our vows of until death do us part and even in death, Ilya has made his abundant love known to me by way of signs and messages through people near and far, strangers and close friends. I will share more about these unique happenings in future publications including a short book dedicated to these supernatural occurrences. Look out for pieces in my series My Dearest Love Ilya for more on this part of my life. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Like what you’ve read? Have a suggestion for a future blog or have a question? Let me know in the comments. Check out what I’m up to these days here.

Will It Be Forever?: 4 unique lessons that year one of marriage taught me

My darling husband and I celebrated one year of marriage on January 4th, 2019 and celebrated three years together as a couple on December 27th, 2018. In this time together we have learned a great deal about what married life really is. I can’t speak for my husband but I can definitely say that I had a few things twisted. I write to share some of my misconceptions and enlightenment here. I know I will have many more realizations in the future and will discover more than what I know now. I pray that these lessons prepare me to persevere through everything that comes along with marriage. Before I delve into what year one has been, I ask that my readers with the ability to keep it real weigh in, in the comments to share some tips and “laws to love by” with me. And if not, Becoming Michelle Obama can continue to be one of my guides to marital success🙏🏾.

Learning about the union of a couple I absolutely adore via this read here 🤗

Lesson 1

In 365 days, I came to realize how easy it can be for outside factors to impact a marriage; some of the biggest factors for us being work schedules and family expectations from relatives outside of our household. These two things weighed heavy on our relationship in year one and created a great deal of pressure that didn’t seem to exist before our marriage. I’m not 100% sure as to why this is but I think this added pressure is the result of a new perception that kinda surfaces after marriage. A perception that tells you that in every way, you and your spouse should always be moving in the same direction; should always be on the same page; and should always be working towards the same goal. And when this is not in fact the case, chaos can erupt. But the lesson that I learned as a resolve to this challenge is how to establish and maintain firm boundaries. Boundaries that take into account my husband and I as individuals and boundaries reached after compromise. As we moved through our first year of marriage we quickly learned the importance of partitioning different aspects of our life to keep our union safe from the input, distraction, and pressure of outside factors. However, creating boundaries for the protection and success of our marriage has not been an easy task. On days when things were chaotic, I just wanted to know that what we were experiencing would eventually be ok. This brings me to my next lesson learned…

Lesson 2

“Misery loves company” but won’t find the company it seeks if the issue at hand is marital trouble. I’m speaking from experience and I’ll elaborate on what I mean. First, let me be clear that this cliche saying does not hold the same meaning here. I was never a miserable wife wishing for the same for someone else. But when challenges would arise in my relationship and I was anxious or worried about what would be (my “misery”), I was seeking some support (the “company”); words from a peer… another wife or newlywed who experienced a similar struggle who could comfort and reassure me. However, such people were nearly impossible to find. What I did find was numbers of people who put on a front and the face of “we don’t have those problems” or any problems at all. People reluctant to discuss the struggles of their own relationships/marriages and people more interested in portraying marriage as “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day (y’all are my inspiration 🙄 NOT). So I found that when going through the trenches, I would not always be so lucky to find support outside of my marriage. Instead, my husband and I had to be that support to one another, work through things we were not happy with, and make the most of life’s lemons which brings me to…

Lesson Three

Live like married life is “cotton candy in bunny fields” every day 😂. Notice I say live here rather than portray, as I did in the previous paragraph where I referenced the perfect marriage pretenders. With lesson three, I’m not saying that I mastered how to be deceitful or an actress when it came to sharing the reality of my marriage. However, I learned to be mindful of all the cute and joy sparking things in my marriage to get through the tough days (can you tell I’ve been watching Marie Kondo in Tidying Up ???). Like on the days when my husband picked up overtime after our baby arrived and I was working from home, trying to prepare dinner, and finish homeschool assignments. I taught myself to remember things like the week prior when he left work early and arrived home with takeout and flowers just because. It was the practice of routinely remembering these sweet and loving gestures that steered rough days in a better direction; and kept me from booting my husband in the head upon his arrival at home whenever he stayed late at work (I love and hate overtime lol). And maybe I had a few things twisted when it came to marital support. Maybe my expectation of finding a supportive peer was unrealistic. However, it’s something that I believe we all need to get through life. The words and encouragement of someone living a similar journey, to remind you that you are not alone. I made it through year one of marriage without much of this kind of support (except for the unwavering support of my mother whom I owe my life) but repeatedly asked God for it. In the midst of seeking support I also said that part of my purpose would be to be one to someone else. So here I am writing. And 10 days into the new year, I found my support… something and someone truly amazing. I’ll share more about what and who I found in a future post but God definitely sends angels and is always right on time. Now on to…

Lesson 4

One of the most important things that I grasped in year one of married life is for hubby and I to be our own inspiration. After learning lessons two and three, I realized that I could easily be misled if I was always seeking “company” and testimony from my peers about their marital life and struggles. Or even looking to social media questioning if picture perfect families ever had bad days. So instead, I regularly reminded myself of my vows (you can read them here: A Promise to My Dearest Love), my relationship goals, and the reason why my husband and I came together as one to begin with. Our story is so unique (you can learn more about it by reading our intro Getting To Know Us) and we need to continue to write it to be just that without replicating what other people have done or are doing. In the act of writing our story, regular communication, planning, and review is necessary; planning of where we hope to be and review of the strides we are actually making.

Will It Be Forever?

With this new knowledge, I sometimes question will it be forever? Do we have what it takes to make it? I am unable to say with certainty especially because I do not know God’s plan for my life. However, with where I am today I hope for a forever fairytale with my hubby. And we can only get there by doing the work, one day at a time. I am happy and grateful for my first year of marriage which has better equipped me to journey towards year two. So much has changed for my husband and I since day one but the two things that have remained the same are our love for each other and dedication to our relationship. We have faced some unique challenges that most newlyweds typically don’t experience. However, we survived 1,120 days together including year one as husband and wife, despite the trials we have faced. I’ll one day be ready to share in detail more about our struggles but for now that’s not what’s important… how we have conquered our troubles is. I pray that we strengthen our union as we work towards forever.

I hope someone enjoyed reading this post and was inspired by at least one thing shared here. Remember to drop a line in the comments section whether it be a tip, question, or emoji. I plan to share more about my life as Mrs. Paka in the near future so stay tuned. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Pregnancy After the Nine: Preparing for baby number two

After nine interesting years with just one child, I decided to try for baby number two. Being the person that I am, I assumed “I did it once, I’ll do it again no problem… piece of cake, piece of pie”. WRONG!!! Pregnancy after waiting nine long years for me was like being a first time expecting mother again. Ohhh the things I forgot and had to remember and ohhh the new things I had to learn as part of a new pregnancy. This journey was one for the books to say the least and one I will never forget.

The Morning Sickness: Could someone have warned me about this sickness that presents morning, noon, and night? I mean I heard some moms talk about it before and I simply thought that maybe they were exaggerating when they referenced throwing up their brains all day. However, I quickly learned how serious this monstrous sickness was when I could not eat or smell anything without sprinting to the nearest bathroom or trash receptacle. For the first five months of this pregnancy I looked and felt like death! Then it was the daily struggle with…

The Back Pain and Leg Pain: During my first pregnancy I felt like a spring chicken and I was. At 19-years old, not much changed for me. I did all of my regular activities including dance, worked my full-time nannying job up until a couple of weeks before my delivery, and maintained my household duties. This go round, I was waddling like a duck early on, lifting my legs by hand to help me cross them, struggling to get from point A to B, and sometimes barely making it to the restroom. Was it my age? Was I out of shape? I started hitting the gym until I could not stand it any longer, being extremely mindful of what I ate, and constantly thinking about why I felt the way I did. For a while I was frustrated and a little hard on myself until I learned the hard way from pushing myself a little too much and not listening to my body.

Unfortunately, I experienced complications during this pregnancy that left my husband and I fearing pre-term labor or worse. I was so sad because I kept referencing my age until I learned that complications during pregnancy can happen to anyone. I was forced to stop working earlier than planned and was put on bed rest. All the things I loved and wanted to do were put on hold. Simple things like doing the laundry, cooking for my family, taking my daughter to school each morning, or even going for a walk were a no no. I really had to refocus my mind, accept what was happening, and take things more seriously. I ultimately hired help to clean my house when needed and accepted the help from family and friends which is typically hard for me to do. Every week that I made it further into my pregnancy, I thanked God.

We were blessed to make it to 37 weeks which was the milestone my doctors and specialist were praying for; and would you believe that the day before I reached 37 weeks, my car was hit by a crazy driver which sent me to the hospital by ambulance. Upon my arrival to the hospital I learned that I was 6 cm dilated. I returned home after being held for a few hours and gave birth to my son two days later. We welcomed our little prince A’Brahm ILian Pakanayev into the world on July 2nd, 2018 at 12:02 pm. Following the birth of my son, it seemed like my love for my “mini me” grew especially when watching her interact with her brother. I was so thankful and humbled. I thought it was pretty awesome being a mommy of one but the feeling “mommying” two, is even better.

As I sit here watching my little munchkins sleep peacefully, I’m simply happy that I was blessed with a healthy little one at the conclusion of this pregnancy, who has brought a new joy into our lives. I learned that every pregnancy is different and comes with its own challenges. However, the beauty of it all makes the entire journey well worth it. My experience from this go round will definitely be in the front, back, and corners of my mind if and when we plan for baby number three. Stayed tuned! Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

A Promise to my Dearest Love… my wedding day vows

Since the day that I committed to my husband, I ever so often go back and read the vow that I made to him; and I get very emotional every single time. My words were true from the bottom of my heart and the promise to my dearest love went a little something like this…

“My dearest love Ilya,

As we gather here today in the presence of just a few of our closest family and friends, I am truly overwhelmed with emotion and I know that I am one of the happiest girls in the world. I have always dreamt that this day would come but I never imagined this special day on this beautiful beach; nor did I dream of you. The universe has truly blessed me with you and everything that you bring to my life. You are much more than I could have ever asked for. Your patience, your dedication, your honesty, and your love are only a few qualities about you that I adore.

I stand here today prepared to commit myself as your wife not because things have been perfect for us, not because things have been easy for us, and not because I anticipate that our future will be these things every day. But because in our journey together over the past few years, I have learned that we have what it takes to be lovers and friends even when times are dark; the dedication to be life long companions, and the determination to make it through when the roads are rough and our way is not so clear.

From the day that I met you I was surprised by how easy you were to love; honored to be in your presence, and blown away by that fact that you openly accepted me despite what others had to say. Your acceptance humbled me and I can never forget the way that you embraced A’Bree and I after I told you that we are a two for one special. You took us as we were and were eager to make us a part of your world. And you have made me very happy and comfortable every step of the way. You restored my faith in love when I was doubtful and have been committed to me every single day. I appreciate how you have worked tirelessly to better understand me and how you have made great efforts to make a better life for yourself, me, and our daughter. For this I am forever grateful! You are the only partner that I need by my side on this journey through life.

As I commit to being your wife, I promise to cherish our union and our first days together as they helped build the foundation for the love that we have today. I promise to remain the same funny spirit you first fell in love with. I promise to be the one thinking outside of the box approaching our obstacles with ideas that are far from traditional. I will ensure that our life is full of adventure and I will depend on you to keep me grounded when I have truly gone out of my mind. I promise to be your number one fan and supporter in all that you do. I promise to care for you during your time of need. I promise to be your forever partner working to do what is best for our family. I promise to be faithful and dependable and with all of these promises I vow to give you my love every single day until my last breath.

I love you”

I hope someone’s heart was warmed from reading this. Thus far, married life has been such a beautiful experience and my husband is truly one of my biggest blessings. Continue to follow our love story. I’m sure we will one day have to share about the days when marriage isn’t a bed of roses. Until then…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Exciting News & Travel Blues

A mom’s journey through Jewish conversion, marriage, parenting, and pregnancy while balancing work full-time, private practice, and an undying inner desire to continue travel.

After months of being away from this project of blogging due to massive amounts of work to balance, I am slowly getting back to business with so much to share. Being that I am uncertain of where to begin, I guess I can simply start with an update; what we have been up to the past few months, what we have planned, and overall how we are progressing despite the travel blues. And although my mini me and I are struggling a little temporarily being back to a monotonous routine, there are some exciting things unfolding in our lives that are keeping us going.

So what have we been up to you ask? So much to say the least. So let’s start with the excitement first. I am happy to announce that as of January of this year, I officially converted to Judaism and wed with the love of my life according to the laws of the Torah. My Mikveh (bath where Jewish rituals are performed) and wedding ceremonies were absolutely beautiful and more than I could ask for. I became one with my husband on a beautiful private beach in Punta Cana, DR and completed my conversion in the same region. I was blessed to be under the guidance of such a loving, empowering, and accepting teacher; Rabbi Ancel Solomon. I will be sure to share all of the details of my journey in an upcoming blog post dedicated solely to my conversion and my big day titled: Ani l’dodi v’dodi li- I Am My Beloved…

Conversion documents in hand with the biggest smile on my face! Baruch HaShem A’donai 🙌🏾 01:2018[/c[/c

Circling my handsome groom 7 times symbolic of the forming of our family and my protection over him 💙 1:4:18

My conversion and wedding ceremony were two life events that truly humbled me and brought me such joy after feeling so blue being back in the states. And the universe did not stop there! As I have learned over the past few years, nothing in life is ever definite and I am in control of very little in my life despite what I often like to believe. Things are forever changing no matter how much we plan. So I do my best to prepare by leaving room for change, a delay, or something unexpected; and that is exactly what my little family and I had to do after learning that a little baby was growing in my tummy in January. I will share all about this blessing in an upcoming post titled Pregnancy After the 9.

My biggest blessings… my babies! A’Bree Inez and A’Brahm Ilián, gender reveal 3:10:18

As you can see, so much has changed for us and there is so much to look forward to in the months ahead. And guess what… there’s more exciting news! We recently welcomed a new fur baby into our home and hearts and he has occupied my time and mind; and made me think less about being back to U.S. life. I am instead enjoying all of the love that has filled my home and preparing for new adventures. We are looking forward to growing older with our fur pup and can’t wait for him to meet baby Abe.

Meet our big man who is actually quite tiny… Milo Paka 💙 03:2018

A religious conversion, a marriage, news of pregnancy, and a new pup! What more can there be? Well I believe that sums up most of what’s going on in our lives and in addition to all of these amazing things we are in the beginning stages of our journey to tiny house living!

Tiny house tours with my mini me – 4:15:18

The crazy thing is all of these things are ones that I have prayed for, for a short time and it’s so crazy how they have effortlessly fallen into place. With all of these blessings, how on earth can one be blue? I believe my life in the past year and all of the recent events that have unfolded are representative of mother universe telling me “never be blue baby girl… how many times must I show you that I got you? There is no doubt in my mind that we are truly blessed and highly favored.

Altogether, I can say that I am happy preaching about my exciting news opposed to venting about my travel blues. All of these life changing events have practically cured my blues and I cannot wait to share what comes next for us as the #Pakafamilypartyof4. Although we are expecting a new baby in July of 2018, travel is still very big on the agenda… Italy and Southeast Asia here we come, beginning September 2018. Stayed tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Some of my biggest supporters… Punta Cana, DR – 1:4:18

Living “Lavishly” on Less Than $25k: extended travel on a budget

Over the past few months I have repeatedly been hit with the question “how did you do it?? Wasn’t traveling for 7 months expensive??? And from this, I felt it important to share my tricks and tips on financially making extended travel possible on a budget.

The answer to the most commonly asked question that people pose when learning about our journey is no! Traveling for 7 months was not expensive and it is totally possible. So here is what we did.

We live for an amazing sunset! Puerto, Viejo, Costa Rica

1. Planned like crazy

We initially analyzed our monthly expenses in New York City to simply be reminded how ridiculously expensive things were for us. We then considered places we wanted to visit and began comparing the cost in those areas to what we spent in NYC monthly. After we completed a list of places we wanted to visit, we calculated the average cost for a family of three to live there for one month, and threw in a few hundreds extra just to be safe. We calculated a budget for the 7 months and got busy saving.

2. Saved our coins

Once we learned how much money we would need for our journey, we got busy saving. Being that our expenses in NYC were high, saving was challenging so we had to get creative. We started a savings jar that we contributed loose change to daily. We cut out eating out and put the money that we would typically spend on lunch into our saving fund. We collected bottles and would return them to the market each month to receive a bottle deposit refund. I participated in paid online surveys to raise a little extra money, and discontinued cable in our home. We tried to cut out any extra expenses that we could live without. 6 months prior to our journey, we sold everything in our apartment which brought in a large sum of money for us. We had weekly yard sales, posted on selling apps, and took our expensive items to consignment shops. In my free time, I did hair and makeup on the side to raise extra funds. Whatever money I had left over from my pay check after paying bills went to our travel saving account. At the end of everything, we were able to save over $16,000 USD for our trip.

3. Book a one-way ticket abroad and home

After we saved and allocated funds for our trip, we vaguely mapped out where we wanted to go and booked a one-way ticket to destination one and a one-way ticket back home from our last destination (essential to finalize our travel insurance). We picked our first destination and the ones to follow based on the best seasons to visit each place. We decided that we would use various means of transportation to travel to each of our destinations including land, water, and air travel. Whenever we needed to fly, we used special websites known for discounted airfare and only booked one-way tickets as we found it to be cheaper; and we often did not require roundtrip tickets being that we moved about.

4. Moved in with family

In efforts to continue saving money, to eliminate a crazy rent expense, and to still live comfortably after giving up all of our furniture, we moved in with family.

5. Purchase luggage

One of the last things we did before we set off on our journey was purchasing backpacking luggage for our family of 3. By trial and error, we practiced how to pack light and carry our backpacks.

6. Doctors appointments and insurance

As it got closer to the time for us to set out on our journey, we went to see our doctors for checkups and to secure medication for our time away. We then purchased inexpensive insurance plans that would cover us if we became ill abroad. A package for 3 people cost $ 150 USD for 7 months.

7. Book first destination airbnb

A few weeks before departure, we booked a place to stay via airbnb to avoid the hassle of doing so once we arrived at our first destination. During the course of our trip we used airbnb, Homeaway, and locals to help secure accommodation. We often found accomodation ranging from $15 USD per night to $40 USD per night. There were times we could splurge on a nice hotel or home when we came in under budget which was always nice; or we would eat out somewhere fancy which I loved.

8. Set out and stick to the budget

Following these minor steps, we left school and work and set out on our trip. We made sure we stuck to our budget to avoid running out of money. I maintained a notebook to be on task with budgeting and practiced a few routines to help with this. In areas where we needed to exchange money, we did so in the airport to get the best exchange rate. We shopped at local markets, ate the meal of the day whenever we ate out, cooked at home, and brought snacks on outings when we could. We also got accustomed to walking everywhere to eliminate travel expenses and downloaded maps to help us. We tried hard to do much of what a local would do to save money and it all worked out.

Ready to set out with all our luggage and gear

After all, we were able to live very nicely in each destination that we traveled to. In fact we spent about $12,600 for the 7 months we were away, and travled to Peru (Lima, Huacachina, Cuzco, and Puno), Panama (Panama City and Bocas del Toro), Costa Rica (San Jose, Monteverde, and Puerto Viejo), Nicaragua (Managua and Big Corn Island), Colombia (Bogota and Medellin), and Mexico (Playa del Carmen, Cancun, and Tulum). Our expenses for 7 months in all of these regions were equal to the cost for our expenses for 3-4 months in the states. Much of what we did were things that would be difficult for us to enjoy in the states. We got so much for our money and often felt that we were living lavishly. I was lucky to maintain remote employment to save for life when we returned home and to maintain expenses I had including loans, credit cards, and my vehicle that I was unable to sell prior to traveling. I signed up for income-based programs/options wherever possible and everything worked out very easy. The one tip that I will emphasize for anyone interested in trying this out, is researching the expenses for the places you will travel to, and allow yourself enough time to plan and save. I believe I have mastered these steps and feel well prepared to plan and budget for our next trip.

Such a tranquil sight… Big Corn Island, Nicaragua

I hope I have not missed anything but will be sure to add anything I may have forgotten at a later date. If you are interested in more details about blogs I used or websites I found helpful in the course of planning my travel, feel free to message me. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom