Tag: paradigm shift

Unpublished Gems: Why I Stopped Sending My 8-year old to “Daycare”

Bree all dressed and ready for school… looking her best and shining bright, September 2017

Yet again, it has been months since I blogged last. I’ve lacked time, inspiration, and ideas of what to share here on my blog. Despite this, I I love what I started 5 years ago here on Millennial Mom and want to get back to writing and sharing my life story more consistently. I am working on new content now and have decided that in the interim, I will share my folder of drafted pieces with my followers before I release a write that is more in line with what has transpired in my life recently. This series of posts will be titled Unpublished Gems. In honor of my baby girl who truly isn’t a baby anymore, and who will be a teenager in just a few short weeks, I am publishing this article that I drafted 4 years ago. It’s dusty and quite dated however, I hope that it will resonate/inspire one of my readers. So here it goes!

Where did my baby go? 13 in just a few weeks. Parenting is the one thing in my life that has shown me that time waits for no one.

The cost of childcare these days is close to a college tuition. But when you’re a full-time working parent with limited support, sometimes you just have to accept that cost. I was fortunate for many years to have free childcare from 7:15am to 6:00pm, Monday thru Friday. Yup that’s right… FREE. Who could pass up that offer? You’d be surprised to know that I accepted that deal for a short time before I gave it up. Now before you conclude that I’m a crazy person for doing such a thing, listen to my story and reasoning for why.

My daughter’s daycare was located at P.S. 377 in Brooklyn, New York on the second floor. I would drive 40 minutes with traffic to drop her off in the morning, after a 5:30am wake-up. I’d then hustle to work fighting more traffic then race against the clock, in even more traffic at 4:30pm to make it back to my baby just before 6:00pm. Once back at home, it would be about 7pm and mama was completing household duties, homework, and work for clients. I would have a two-hour window to make dinner, lunches for the following day, tidy the house, get a shower, and spend time with “mini me”. Now I’m sure after reading up to this point you have two big questions. So let me answer one that you may have which is how did I balance such a hectic schedule? The answer is by the grace of a higher power who loves me dearly. I literally sacrificed my health and sleep to keep up with this lifestyle. But who was it benefiting? My apartment management company who I gave away the majority of my salary to; or the creditors and loan companies that I owed; or my utility companies? That’s not really the problem here as I entered those agreements and fully accepted the responsibility. The problem is why wasn’t my “mini me” and the care providers who looked after her for almost 12-hours per day, benefiting just as much? That never sat well with me and one day I told myself that something had to change. After consulting with an “expert” I agreed that I was not going to send my daughter to daycare anymore.

By now you may be on to the point that I’m making. My reference to “daycare” is not speaking of the typical daycare that you first think of when you hear the word (I will also note now that the “expert” I consulted with was my daughter). Daycare for us became my daughter’s school. Before I move on, let me be clear that my point-of-view is in no way demeaning teachers or school systems! I instead wish to highlight my believe that a huge burden placed on teachers in America; some of the most under paid professionals in our society who bare the greatest responsibility. In addition to this point, I write this post to share my reasoning for why I could no longer allow my little to be a part of the traditional school system. Now moving right along…

How could the most important person in my life be in receipt of so little of my time? Every other entity in my life was given more of my energy and resources than she was. People have argued that as a working mom, I was affording my daughter everything that she needed and that was the benefit for her in our situation. However, after traveling and world-schooling for a short time, I realized that the life that I afforded us in the states was not what we needed at all. In fact it was my want… my desire to keep up with one way of life when there are many other ways. This want lacked consideration of all the small things that truly make life special. When I finally realized this, minimalism and unorthodox living became a huge thing for me. We were going to do more with less in unique ways that were fitting for us, and refocus our lives on what really mattered most: our happiness, quality time, memories, and family. We strongly believed that homeschooling and child-led learning would afford us just that.

I ultimately decided to register my “mini me” as a homeschooled student again in 2018 and decided that I would become a stay-at-home mom again. We previously tried this lifestyle out in 2015 and loved it but ended up back at the starting line of the rat race in 2017 (I’ll detail why in another write that pertains to my dearest love Ilya, who I have since lost). We experienced all the pressures of the American Dream and disliked it. We designed a new way of living but later came back to try the accepted dream again, only to find that our sentiments were exactly the same. Instead of complaining about going back to something that clearly was not for us, I made a decision that I am now sticking to. I have established a bill of rights for my family that include my children being my top priority in a way that it shows.

As for me in my household, my children will be the recipients of the majority of my time, energy and resources; their happiness will be a valued genuinely above all else; and I as their mother and guide with a spiritual connection to them from their time in my womb will see them for who they are, assume the responsibility for connecting them to learning opportunities in line with who they are, that will ultimately carry them far in life no matter where their little feet (or a plane) shall take them. I will never preach about what another parent or family should do and I stand firm in demanding that others offer me the same. Even as a professional who has attained “higher education” , I crave more (something different) for my children.

A’Bree’s (12) first day of 7th grade and A’Brahm’s (3) first day of pre-k, homeschool edition, August 2021

As things stand, my littles are in my care daily; happy, learning through culturally rich experiences, and thriving. This lifestyle came with many sacrifices including a great employment opportunity. However, our lifestyle and their futures hold way more value. We will continue on this path until we are routed elsewhere and along the way we will continue to share our story with the world.

Our little family unit! I’m so proud of what we have built and what we have overcome. I know Papa is smiling down on us, proud 🤍

I hope someone was inspired by this piece. I dare you to take a risk and change something uncomfortable in your life. With or without a plan, just have faith. The universe has you!! Stay tuned, until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

The Day a Stranger Fed My Soul: feedback from a follower

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Why is it that we learn the most about a person’s impact on the world after they die? I started to think more and more about this following the death of rapper Nipsey Hussel. To be honest, I had no clue about who he was prior to his death. I only knew who he was after my cousin told me the news and referred to him as “Lauren London’s boyfriend”. Then for weeks as the world prepared to say their last goodbyes to Hussel, I witnessed how many people were truly touched by/mourning his death; celebrities and common-folk alike. I also learned about all of the amazing things that he did for his community and I was inspired. Now this piece is not at all about the latest news in Hip-hop culture. It is however, about the need for us as a people to tell our friends, our loved ones, or even a stranger how they touch our lives… while they exist with us here on earth. This was my experience twice in the past week (this happened in April) where I was on the receiving end of feedback. First happening during a “catch-up” date with a dear friend. My friend opened up to me about the way she viewed me and how I inspired her, and I cried. Hearing what she felt about me was different, a little uncomfortable, and heartwarming all at the same time.

And here’s my gal Nicole… or Kneecole as I often call her. A close friend of many years whom I’ve shared the realest chats with. She can be a little on the shy side so I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing her with you. But she’s been a great support to me for many years, during my toughest times, and I’d scream it from a roof top lol 💙 This is us mingling with the locals on a girls trip in Belize, Fall 2018.

Following the date with my friend, I asked myself why I felt any discomfort during our chat. After all we have been close friends since childhood. I came to realize that I felt weird about receiving positive feedback because I don’t get such genuine recognition enough. I also cried because my friend’s words spoke to my soul and in summary told me to keep pushing because I was doing something right. For some time I have asked mother universe, what is my purpose? who do people understand me to be? and what mark will I leave on the  world when my body leaves this earth? Very deep questions, I know but I cannot carry-on in this life without confirmation. And my interaction with my friend was just that. Recently, mother universe again sent me what I asked for…. soul food and feedback; coming by way of a complete stranger in my inbox. The writer wrote:

Tanisha,

I just read your latest post and you are amazing. I first read one of your posts around 2 years ago. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. At that point I had been teaching for about 18 years. I loved the children I taught for years, and for years that kept me there. Then my job started affecting my life and my parenting. One morning when I was really feeling helpless I read your blog about giving everything up and traveling with your daughter. It gave me hope.

Through all my years (in our hometown), I knew your dad. It took me awhile to make the connection. When I saw his picture with your daughter the other day I figured out you were his daughter. Through my 18 years I would see your dad and he always spoke of you. He was always so proud of you and your accomplishments. The year I read your blog I started therapy and gained enough confidence to look for another job after 18 years. I ended up getting a position I love, 6 minutes from my house. I am happy and love my profession again. One day, my son was running a (track & field) meet. I saw your dad and we caught up for awhile. I told him I was looking for a job and he was talking about you and when you used to run. He cheered so loudly for my son that day and my son ran his best race ever. He never reached that time again. I have thought of that day and of you so often through the years. You do not know me, but just know that your words, confidence, and risk taking has made me make huge changes in my life. Thank you for that. I admire your courage!! I also wanted you to know how proud of you, your dad has always been.”

Receiving this message made my week and changed my life. It told me to keep going and so I shall. I end this post with a special message to my friends, family, and followers: tell the people around you what they mean to you! If you have a meaningful experience with a stranger, let them know. We are here for reasons greater than what we think and our interactions with one another help to bring clarity regarding our strengths and the paths that we should travel in life. Our gifts are made to touch others in a special way. What we do or should be doing should be for reasons other than recognition or financial l gain. Here on Millennial Mom, I share my gift of writing and coaching with you. I encourage you to journey through life with purpose! And be true to yourself and that purpose. And last, I advise you not to show up to my funeral crying and carrying on about what I meant to you, if you never told me while I’m here… I’ll call you out lol. I hope someone enjoyed this write. Let me know your thoughts by dropping a comment. Stay tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Get a House and Grow Your Roots”: A “gypsy” woman’s response to criticism

Rare that you see a woman of color and her miniature belly dancing on a beach right? But yes this is us! So much about us makes us such a rare bunch 💙

“Your family is like a gypsy family… no school, moving here moving there. Get a house! Grow your roots in one place” she said to me. The former statement was such a compliment to me and I immediately lit up when I heard it. The latter was the worst advice anyone could have given me, but it was understandable considering the source. Only the people who truly know me would understand why. If you have been a follower of Millennial Mom and have been keeping up with the changes I have made in my life, you know why too.

The words the woman said to me went in one ear and out the other. I felt sad for her! That although leaving her home country full of culture years ago to migrate here to the states (to find whatever she was seeking), she ultimately stopped seeking and became complacent with following the norm. Chasing money, working long hours at one job, finding little time to vacation, and accumulating large debt to live a dream that many of us are not privileged to comfortably live. For most people, this routine is the only way to live. And many people do it with or without complaint; I respect and commend the people who have chosen to live this dream. Then there are those of us who struggle and need a more sensible way to live. For me, this routine derails me from my ultimate goals and dreams. Goals and dreams that I’m repeatedly questioned about and sometimes criticized for having. So I write this post to share why I’m committed to living Tea’s Dream opposed to the one that we often refer to as the American Dream (abbreviated here as AD). And sharing how I often respond to the tough critics who simply do not get it.

Thus far in my life, I’d say I’ve come very far and accomplished a great deal. At one point, I was on the path of living this AD and was very much in agreement with it. Then one day I began to question why we strive for this one dream even when it makes life that much harder for some of us. When pondering this, I was specifically focusing on our practice of assuming large debt for higher education, the purchase of homes that will take long years to pay off, and for the purpose of buying/leasing vehicles. My thoughts initially began following a trip abroad. I remember traveling to the Philippines and being invited by our Tuk-Tuk (a motorized bike taxi) driver to his house. I was shocked to see what the driver and his family called home and I immediately felt bad for them. I didn’t want to accept a drink or the snacks that they offered us, fearing that they may not have had enough for themselves. The driver noticed my reluctance to take what he and his family were offering and then politely taught me something. He reminded me that “mini me” and I were his guests, told me that he was delighted to offer us refreshments, and said that the Philippines is not like America where his sister is a nurse. He stated that “we have much less and we are happy too”. I have since replayed this exchange in my head for the last three years because the meaning and the lesson in this conversation is so deep. Based on what I walked away with, I am constantly evaluating my life and the things that I choose to value.

Prior to shifting my focus toward a new way of living, the AD was something that I valued greatly and it was something that I was determined to achieve. My dedication started in the area of education. My education has always been important to me as I understood early on, how it would impact my ability to sustain the lifestyle that I wanted. Because of this, I was sure to take it serious from the very beginning. I finished high school in great standing and immediately went on to college despite hardship (read about it here). I knew exactly what I wanted to study and planned for it. One thing that I didn’t think through completely was the expense to obtain higher education, especially at the graduate level; and how this would impact me after completion of my degree. This topic isn’t one thoroughly addressed in school either so if you’re not learning this at home or on your own, you learn the hard way later on. But that’s a topic for a different post. Anyhow, I was fortunate to be a recipient of over $60,000 in scholarship funding which made my education affordable. However, practicum hours (3,000 plus) and maintaining the cost to live in NYC while completing my degree and work experience requirements, as a single mother, required me to secure loans to stay afloat. Luckily, the full cost of my education was covered.

Graduating with my M.A. in Forensic Mental Health Counseling from CUNY John Jay College of Criminal Justice, May, 2014.

After completing school and advancing my career, I started working to pay off loans while managing the expense of rent, my vehicle, childcare, and other bills. After a while I began to ask myself “is this life? Is this what I’m expected to do for the rest of mine? And for people like myself who are far from financial wealth, how do you comfortably make this work?” So I began plucking the brains of the people in my life who I believed to have responsibly done it; people I looked up to as good examples. Sadly, the advice I was given took me in a circle and I was right back where I started with the same questions. “New home buyer programs, leasing vs. financing, and repayment plan options” for loans were things I was told to consider. I was already aware of these things and was expecting much better advice. I ultimately decided that instead of looking outward for answers as I often tend to do, I was going to flip things and reverse it (yes I sang Missy Elliot “work it” as I wrote that). I was going to look inward, see what I needed, realize what I could live without, better understand what would make me happy at the end of this life, and change my life’s trajectory. I was going to begin moving according to a new plan that took all of these things into consideration. And so I did! You can read more about the specifics of my journey if you haven’t already, throughout my blog posts including:

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Journey to Tiny House Living: moving from one box to another? … Why?

A New Life Aligned: Meditation and Travel

Our Home… Her School: homeschooling for us

Major changes that I made related to the things at the core of the AD…. my job, my home, and the education that I afforded my daughter. I drafted a plan where we would end our expensive life in one place and instead take on a more affordable life in multiple places (countries). We would spend less time apart for the purposes of learning and working to do so while together, moving at our own pace, according to what was right for us as a family and as individuals. And I recently factored in saving to buy an unconventional home (a tiny house) outright to eliminate the debt and commitment that comes with the purchase of a traditional home, and the senselessness that exists by renting a home that will never be ours. With the amount of research, pros and cons lists, and exploration that I put in prior to setting these goals, I often feel confident with my decisions and plans. In addition, I have always believed that my resilience, hard work, and dedication to my life success have proven my ability to make the most challenging situations into something polished. Although these are my sentiments, it’s not something that everyone can see. And because of this, I often feel pressured to explain and respond to tough criticism regarding my life plans, although I understand that I don’t have to.

“No traditional school for your child? No 9-5 job? No plan to purchase a traditional home? Extended travel for months at a time?” These are some of the questions I’m often asked with pre-judgment, from those inquiring. I was once told that my plans and lifestyle are “careless” and “irresponsible”. The only reasoning I was provided was because there is “no stability and foundation” for my family based on my plans. And for the longest time I thought about these two concepts: stability and foundation and how subjective they are. From person to person, these things have different meanings. From person to person, our needs, wants, and circumstances all differ. So we should therefore strive to attain whatever it is that satisfies these things for us individually. As much as I believed in the past, that this is what most people do, I learned otherwise during the course of answering questions and responding to criticism about my practices. I started to feel as if I was viewed in a negative light for wanting to live an alternative lifestyle with benefits for my entire family. And this was quite bothersome because people have provided me little support for why they believe what I am striving for to be so careless. Thankfully such feedback hasn’t changed my mind about what I hope to accomplish and I am grateful for these conversations.

I have engaged in numerous talks (many happening thanks to my shares here on Millennial Mom) where I have clarified many misconceptions regarding some of my family practices such as homeschooling, extended travel, and journeying to live tiny. I have given many people something to think about and have received great responses … even from complete strangers. In addition to the many other things that I value, such dialogue is important to me. As I constantly evaluate my practices vs. my purpose (blog post coming soon) I hope to encourage others, and stimulate more independent thinking and living.

In my 30- years (I just celebrated another year on 5/22), here’s what I have discovered. As a people we’ve gotten too accustomed to following an outline, the majority, or the norm; being told what to think and how; feeling pressured to live a particular lifestyle out of fear, straying away from doing our own searching, and failing to truly follow what our hearts want. In my counseling work and personal life, I see this pattern too often. I repeatedly learn about the dreams that people wish they followed, why they didn’t, and the mistakes they made. Pressure from parents, desire to please the spouse, need to comfort the kids… all common responses I’ve heard about reasons dreams and plans got away from people on particular paths. I’m eager to not make this my life as I value maintaining genuine happiness and persistently attaining new knowledge much more than following what society believes is right for me. I am dedicated to navigating life’s journey according to my purpose. So I have regular check-ins with my heart and present my findings to my brain. Recently after doing so, I had to ask myself a series of questions to see just where I stand in relation to tho AD.

This clean illustration by lawyer and cartoonist Victor Chew captures how I view the AD oh too well!!! @victorexpat IG

Is it responsible to purchase a home or car that I’ll have to work and pay for, for a significant part of my life? Maybe

Is this something I could do? Yes, miserably and uncomfortably

Is this something I want to do? Absolutely not.

Is it considered “living” to me if I settle in one place, commit to working for 40 plus years at job to secure retirement and pay for material things? Not At All!!!

Here’s why:

In my life I hope to continue making as many countries in the world, our home! I’d rather pay for my children to live like royalty at a price that leaves me feeling content rather than fearful. I wish to eliminate the stress from my husband, of having to work long hard hours just to cover our basic expenses. I will live and love in a space that provides just what my family needs at a cost that allows me to make greater investments… like the purchase of farmland that my daughter asked me about, one year ago where we will one day park a tiny home and grow what our stomachs and hearts desire. I yearn for the freedom to go where my heart leads me and where the universe calls me without any burdens to hold me back. All of this is for the purpose of our genuine happiness that I first wrote about at the start of Millennial Mom. And that comes with making more memories minus all the materials, seeing new places, people, and cultures, and continuing to find peace in our minds and body, in nature. Today I’m just praying for my family’s continued faith that there is more than one way, and their understanding that the universe always has our backs. I’m far from crazy, or lazy, or careless. I’m simply trying to help my family grow without sacrificing the things that mean the most.

So the the masses that say, “grow your roots”, my roots are grounded! My trunk is grown, my branches are in place… just wait for the twigs and leaves/flowers to come. They will be a beauty and with the seasons they will change 🙏🏾. (As if I don’t have a enough to do, I am in the process of painting an oil on canvas piece as self-therapy, that I’ll call Tea’s Tree. I will share in a future post when I’m finished so look out for that.) And the people who see me as a “gypsy”, I’m flattered, thank you!

It felt good sharing this with my readers. I hope you take away the message that not everyone is going to get you. But don’t let that hinder you from doing you. We all know what’s best for us and although our choices may not always reflect that, they are things that we must live with and learn from 💙. If this post gave you a thought, or inspiration, drop a comment or emoji below (I love them). Have questions, advice, or feedback? Let a mama know. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Instead of buying your children all the things you never had, you should teach them all the things you were never taught. Material wears out but knowledge stays” – Bruce Lee