spiritual healing – Millennial Mom

Justice for Ilya: A Disheartening Fight for Truth

My beloved Ilya, despite the fatigue I feel in my spirit and the pain that I feel in my heart, I will never stop fighting for you. #Justice4Ilya

By now the Millennial Mom community and friends near and far know of the tragic loss of my dearest love Ilya Pakanayev. December 24th, 2022 was the three year anniversary of Ilya’s death. Although I have hoped and believed that my pain would decrease with time, this year has felt extremely painful. It was likely worse than the pain that I felt on the morning that I received that shocking call and my mourning commenced. This is because I have spent much of 2022 in torment; battling what I wanted for myself and my family as it relates to the fight for Ilya, against the opinions of others. I made the decision in November of 2022 to bring light my late husband’s case for the sake of seeking justice and the full truth. I have traumatically relived the happenings of day one, lost hope in humanity learning new details about Ilya’s case, and I live in a state of confusion daily trying to navigate where to turn next. With many things so uncertain at this time in life, the only thing that I know with great certainty is that I will never stop in my fight for #Justice for Ilya.

From restaurant tables to bathroom stalls, everywhere I go, I’m sharing Ilya’s story. I’m grateful to supporters who have joined in this mission. Spreading awareness is our greatest hope at this time.

If you are unaware of Ilya’s story, in short, he left home on December 23rd, 2019 and never returned. He was traveling from our home in Monticello NY, to his parents in Forest Hills, Queens NY. It was the second night of Chanukah but Ilya never made it to his destination. He was ultimately found in the a.m. hours on Christmas eve, unconscious in a driveway in Southside Jamaica Queens. Upon receipt of a call providing only the details “Ilya’s dead”, I instantly knew that something was very wrong in Ilya’s case but genuinely trusted that authorities would figure it all out. As things stand today, I was naive and wrong in my beliefs. When I went to identify my love at the Queens Medical Examiner’s office, it was there that I learned that Ilya’s case was a criminal investigation.

Detectives later arrived to inform me of the strange happenings in Ilya’s case. I was told that my beautiful husband’s lifeless body was viewed via doorbell camera footage, being carried by two men and dumped in a residential driveway. According to detectives the men were identified and authorities were waiting to interview them. Our family was ultimately told that an investigation was underway and we would be provided updates as developments unfolded. Anxious and desperate for the truth, I called the police precinct persistently for updates hoping that new answers would come promptly, due to the early developments in the case. Week after week, from December of 2019 to March of 2020, when I reached out to the police department, I was told that the case was still moving forward. And then COVID-19 hit and the world went mad. Ilya’s case was passed through different investigative divisions within the NYPD and to the hands/desks of different professionals. Around his birthday in May of 2020, I called the police precinct only to learn that his case had been “closed months ago”. My heart sank and my mind went blank. What came next was more indicators that there was more to Ilya’s case than I had initially thought. This discovery led me down a very dark and lonely road, trying to raise my children while my mind played out traumatic scenarios day after day. I attempted to ignore my grief and in doing so I developed what is known as prolonged bereavement. Ilya’s story has caused me to experience PTSD symptoms. With all of this I have still found the will to go on. Now when people ask how my only answer is “by the grace of G_d”.

Your love and beautiful soul has left my life forever changed. It taught me many lessons including ones about life in general and how to love myself first.

I have found it necessary to take two plus years to process my pain; a task which looks different everyday and a process that will continue for the rest of my life. Through this journey I had to discover my own healing regimen in efforts to best cope with my new reality. This had to be a top priority before I could dedicate myself to fighting for justice for Ilya in a healthy way. In November after feeling tired, disappointed, angry, and desperate for answers, I sprang into action, launching a social media campaign to bring awareness to Ilya’s case. It was 12 long weeks of foot work, completing a long list of responsibilities every single day. New discoveries that came to light during this time were eye opening and disheartening at the same time. And although I believe that I made new strides unlike I had ever made in the past, the words, attitudes, violation of my family’s privacy and wishes, and a complete lack of concern for humanity were more in my face than ever before as I was pursuing this fight, relying on social media. In a situation such as my own, the coldness of the world was too hard to ignore.

Ilya’s resting place in Wellwood Cemetery

Where things stand today, my heart is broken and the hope that I have for humanity dwindles every day. It is thanks to the earthly angels who walk with me through this life and the divine, that I find more strength to keep on in this mission; especially on the days when I am truly ready to give up. I am grateful for the advances that I was able to make at the start of this campaign, with the support of friends, family, and new supporters via our GoFundMe dedicated to raising money for a private investigator and an independent medical examiner. I am thankful to News12 reporter Blaise Gomez for covering Ilya’s story and bringing light to the injustices in his case. And lastly, I am thankful for everyone who has checked on me and supported me through this very painful process. At present, I have strayed away from social media as a tool in this fight. Maybe in the future I will return there. For now I have realized the importance of finding another way. I have been writing for grants to help families like my own, continuing outreach efforts with the team that has joined me in doing so, and relying on my more intimate communities for support. More than ever before I need to redefine and redesign a tribe. Through this pain ridden movement I learned who my tribe truly is.

As always, I wanted to share my truth here to reach anyone who can relate to my pain. I also turn here with hopes that anyone who wishes to connect with me, will reach me. Maybe you’re a widow or a widower too; maybe you’ve suffered a tragic loss; maybe in some area of your life you’ve lost hope; or maybe you’ve realized that your tribe needs some redesigning and through my story you’re reminded that it’s a reality for not only you. Whatever the case, you are not alone and I live to be a resource and supporter to people like us. If you’re reading this today and are drawn to support the #Justice4Ilya campaign, here is how you can help:

1. Donate to and or share our GoFundMe link

2. Participate in outreach efforts by emailing info@justice4iLyaPaka.org to receive info cards via mail that you can distribute in your community

3. Join an upcoming call to assist with sourcing grants or to help brainstorm other ways to reach our goals (email above contact for details)

4. Follow us on Instagram @Just4iLyaPaka

*** These are the ways in which I am currently asking for support in this mission to get answers in Ilya’s mysterious death. I ask that any other effort be discussed with me prior, due to the nature and sensitivity of our situation.

I hope that this write reaches the eyes and hearts of whomever it needs to reach. Sending love and positive energy to my Millennial Mom supporters all over the world and I ask that you keep my family in thoughts and prayers in a similar way. Stay tuned for my next writes including one titled:

My Prayer for All of the Forgotten Ones

There is so much new content waiting to be published here and through my continued dedication to writing, I show my followers who turn to this blog for inspiration and hope that you are never forgotten. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

Deeper Than My Grief: Hi My Name is Tea

Finding my inner peace on sacred land in Sedona, AZ… PRICELESS!

On my course of learning to live my life again, after surviving one of the most traumatic events in my life, I discovered so much about what healing is and is not. I had no idea that through efforts to mend my broken heart and accept that my soulmate is physically gone forever and never coming back, I would end up where I am today. More and more I see that life is such an enigma. As ugly and as painful as this healing venture has been, I now see it as something just as beautiful, for the ways in which it has shaped me for a brighter future… for a brighter me.

In a world where change is inevitable, I try to assure that finding my breath and rhythm daily is a constant. It’s the one thing that keeps me centered. Outdoor meditation on a road trip this past summer (2022)- Geneva State Park, Ohio

Healing is not linear.

Healing is not easy.

Healing is not a one-and-done process.

Healing is a life-long commitment.

Healing is ugly.

Healing is beautiful.

Healing is transformative.

Healing is deep-rooted.

Healing is a complete undoing.

Healing is leaving no stone unturned.

Healing is a choice made by the bravest.

Healing has bases.

Healing requires that we do or we do not.

Healing requires that we go all the way.

Healing leaves us bare, vulnerable, forever changed.

Healing is why we are here.

On a recent visit to a beach in Ohio, my baby girl taught me the spiritual meaning of stacking cairns… to create balance, to showcase our gratitude, to remember important experiences, places, and loved ones, and for prosperous and intentional paths. Pictured here is my first stone structure… picture perfect 🤍

In discovering these truths about healing, I tried to outline a more dedicated routine for myself. Through daily practices of prayer, journaling, meditation, breath work, and clearing of my inner energy over the last 2.5 years, I began to uncover many things hidden in my subconscious. Truths about myself that were shocking to me in a state of consciousness all came to light. Things that my mind amazingly disguised for years as if they never happened and things that were very painful to face, finally became ones that I could no longer run from. In December of 2021, I experienced what some would call a nervous breakdown. All that I unveiled was overwhelming for me. A relative whom I am now estranged from said it was my karma. Maybe so, but I am not certain of this. I say that this unraveling was a spiritual experience of a breakthrough bound to happen, from years and years of always pushing myself to overcome and survive, while sweeping the things that hurt me the most into the darkest corners of my mind. After making a personal commitment to broadening my spiritual practices in ways unlike ever before, I believe my mind, body, and soul shifted more into alignment, craving a deeper level of personal truth. Holistically, I was ready for a commitment to true change and healing that would shake my entire existence. And on December 10th, 2021, I believe my guides took me on the wildest ride of my life to break down walls and beliefs that formed over a period of years, causing me to operate from a place of survival rather than living from a place authentic to my purpose. But we must live to learn, and I now accept that this was all a part of a greater process.

During this breakthrough I connected with lost loved ones whom I never knew much about before. I learned about some of my spiritual gifts passed down to me through generations. I watched myself through childhood experiences and made sense of things that always felt foreign to me. I identified earthly blockages puppeteering me through life. And I ultimately endured what the spiritually attuned would describe as a massive download or spiritual ceremony. Looking back, I know that it was all a mix of bizarre, comical, and concerning happenings for outsiders looking in. Medical professionals would question if it was a chemically induced trip or psychosis. If you’ve never navigated such an experience, these words likely translate to foreign language. Working in mental health has given me theoretical perspectives of these kind of mind shifts. But living through this opened my eyes to the connections between spiritual realms and psyche that I am now eager to explore more. My experience was one of the most mind-blowing things that I have ever encountered but, I now trust that these ventures are real! All in all, I awoke at the end of all of this in a hospital bed trying to find the right words to help someone viewing my case clinically, understand that I was ok… trying to find strength to tell myself that it would all be ok. I’m grateful that my higher power and mother universe always has the most divine plan and led me in the right direction to recover from such an experience. I was happy to return home safely to my babies, knowing what alternative outcomes could have been.

On my first day back home following my hospital discharge, I felt that I was being afforded an opportunity to begin a completely “new life”. A life of deeper practices, with complete disconnect from hinderances, and a complete letting go of everything and anyone that interfered with my true purpose. Everything around me was the same but my perspective had shifted drastically. I was afraid and vulnerable and everything that I once knew, was no more. I was tempted to choose comfort and familiarity over change because I desperately wanted to feel safe. It was here that I realized that my healing journey would require that I venture deeper than my grief. My healing journey needed to touch on my childhood, my beliefs, my survival habits, my ego, the constructs surrounding the way in which I viewed myself, and all of my traumas that impact every aspect of my being. Again, all of this was quite frightening to think of initially. But after overcoming a 5-day mental health hospital stay while “out of my mind”, not knowing what would come next, I thought to myself that the only thing that could be worse than sitting with what I now knew/felt and doing some deep-rooted healing, was sitting with it and doing nothing at all, continuing on in the same way. For what is life if we do not strive for truth? A fallacy. What is life if we do not commit to overcoming the circumstances we are born into? In my mind, a waste.

I continue to find the greatest sense of peace and healing in nature, near bodies of water. This summer I ventured on a road trip with my babies, chasing waterfalls and good eats. This was a creek in Asheville, NC where we enjoyed grounding and listening to the sounds of natural water flow and all of nature at work.

And so, I continued my daily meditation practices, venturing into new forms including kundalini and past life meditations. I attended my first retreat without a group of friends with whom I was familiar. I began reading various texts on the subject matters of healing, spirituality, chakras, and trauma. In the spring of 2022, I took things a step further and sought out a therapist for added support through all of this. I was quite specific in my prayers about the type of professional I was seeking. Although I participated in talk therapy in the past, my intentions this time around were very different. I was fortunate to have been connected with a woman and practitioner who embodied much of what I was looking for. Her poise and genuine nature touched my soul in such an unexpected way in a relatively short period of time. She is someone new in my life who has guided me into deeper self-reflection and the rebuilding of my life; a compassionate soul whose skills are allowing us both to witness years-worth of transformation happening week after week.

I recently awoke with a desire to share this part of my story for a number of reasons. From my personal experiences, I truly understand how difficult it can be to jumpstart one’s healing voyage when afraid, carrying heavy burdens, feeling unsure of where to start, or when not surrounded by supports/acquaintances on a similar path. So, I share my story as an example of where and when my current path began. I also continue to share my hardships because I repeatedly find gems and beauty in life processes that are downright ugly. That for me is both growth and a blessing… one of the biggest rewards in all of this. I live more and more in a space of peace and gratitude as I progress along my path. Not because things in my life are perfect; not because I live my life without flaw; not because my reality is exactly as I have dreamed it. But because I now possess greater clarity to see that the person I was yesterday, is different from the person I am today. I see tremendous growth from things that once hindered me. I now face things that I ran from in the past, with grace and bravery. And that gives me hope. Hope that I do not have to simply exist, survive, and accept what I was born into. Hope that I can design the life of my dreams with boundaries and safety, speaking life into all that I want, embracing all that I am, and surrounding myself with people and things that uplift me. I feel anew with this level of acceptance and understanding. It is something in my life worthy of celebrating. And before I share a little more about this new version of me, it’s only fitting that I formally introduce the new me. Hi, my name is Tanisha (Tea) Pakanayeva. I’m a resilient soul unapologetically me, who is hopeful, healing, and finding greater happiness every day.

Meditation and waterfalls in Indianapolis, summer 2022

Their little eyes are always watching… Abe copying and Bree capturing. I strive to make them proud!
Outdoor meditation, West Virginia, summer 2022

Embracing the way in which my healing journey has taken me deeper than my grief, has brought me closer to the woman that I know I am destined to be. It is somewhat unfortunate that through the greatest loss of my life, I learned so much about myself, but I accept it. I have uncovered things that have freed me, things that I am no longer ashamed of, things that no one can hold above me because I have committed to facing all of my own stuff head on. This new version of me is one that I have hoped to find all my life. I am empowered, I am powerful, and I am a symbol of change. And with change comes discomfort. Sadly this new version of me now leaves some in a place of discord because I cannot and will no longer try to fit certain molds. And to that discontent I say may we be thankful for the memories and move forward making new ones on different paths. This new version of me allows me to be all that I need to be for myself without seeking out a crutch or a savior to protect me from what is painful. I can commit to being a better mother to my children who are two souls who deserve this growth and elevation of me more than anyone. And altogether, I know that this new walk in my power, with continued transparency about my struggles and triumphs will serve to light the torch for someone inspired by my journey to know that they can begin theirs too.

Two books that have captivated my attention over the last few months

There is no official guidebook to healing and if there is anything that I can say as words of advice, it would be go deep. Leave nothing unturned. Be brave. Do it with your all or don’t. This is how I commit to continue chugging along on this ride, ready for a restart or revision whenever necessary. Thank you for following!

I dedicate this write to my spiritual tribe who has given me a sense of belonging on a flight that has at times felt so lonely; to my children who give me my greatest hope to keep going every day; to my daughter and best friend who through thick and thin loves me unwaveringly and who is open to finding truth together; to my friends who consistently make room for me in their lives giving me opportunity to navigate this difficult road with love, compassion, and support; and to my dearest love and late husband Ilya who dedicated what he could to loving me like no other during his time here, before I truly learned what it was to love myself. Thank you! I am forever grateful to you all.

I hope that this piece has touched the heart of at least one. May we commit to our individual healing daily and never lose sight of true purpose. Until my next write, love and light to the world.

xoxo,

Tea

And if I do not set out to accomplish anything else in this life, becoming their mother was my greatest accomplishment of all. A’Bree Inez and A’Brahm ILian, I love you with all of me.

Liberated By My Truth

I turned 33 this year in May and spent my day at my favorite vineyard in Lexington, NC. It was a birthday outing that I now see as truly symbolic. The last year for me has been like the aging of fine wine… with time, a maturity and quality that is grand.

This write is one that holds a power unlike any other piece that I have ever written before. A power very deeply connected to things within me and about my life journey that have played a part in shaping me into the person that I learned to be. Over the last two years, I have committed myself to a new path of growth and healing since losing the love of my life. I embarked on this journey during a time where I felt quite lost and in need of finding out who I am meant to be at this time in life. This path has required me to look inward, upward, and outward. And the outcome has included significant realizations about self, my past, my relationships, and my future. Realizations that I am beyond grateful for. I have found the greatest liberation from my healing journey although it has at times been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to commit to. Today I write to share a little more about my truth as it relates to deep reality testing, assessment of relationships in my life, and breaking unhealthy habits/patterns. I write to express how we can find the greatest freedom in our lives simply by writing our truths; and going even further to challenge those truths through comparison to words and experiences sometimes presented to harm us or create self-doubt. This work is quite unique as it is an entry straight from my mind dump journal, that helped me arrive at a truth that I have prayed for, for some time. The truth that I am not and do not have to be what others wish to mold me into. The truth that my walk in this life may feel like a foreign language to others. The truth that my greatest liberation has come just by me better understanding and accepting me for me.

I recently had an exchange with someone in my life who has struggled to understand me. I never understood the discord but over the years realized that no matter what I said, did in life, or how hard I worked, I’d likely be viewed with a side eye, and viewed as this character foreign to who I know myself to be. In this conversation, I received a breakdown/list of many of the things that this person saw in me. It was shocking and overwhelming but an opportunity to reality test, self-reflect, and grow in the areas where I was falling short. And as I reviewed the list, few things resonated with me. So, I ran to my journal and hoped that in working through things visually and in an engaging way, I could better arrive at what I was missing. I made a chart (the nerd in me couldn’t resist) with two columns: one labeled “their truth about me” and the other labeled “my truth”. I went to work listing and comparing, with my truths noted in many parts as affirmations that I will continue to speak to myself. What I found in the end has left me feeling more empowered and freer than I have ever felt in my life.

My soul always leads me to water to find the greatest peace. It is in nature where I have received the most abundant healing.

This deep reality testing chart from my mind dump journal looked like this:

Their Truth About Me	My Truth
I abandoned my child to be free, to travel, for 5- years	For a period of two years of my life, I moved 2hrs way from my first child to obtain higher education. It was a hard sacrifice to make. I cried often and worried at times, but knew it was for a chance to better myself. I took the opportunity to visit as often as I could. I worked hard, enjoyed life as a young college student, and balanced what it was to do so while being a mother.
I prioritized globetrotting over being a mother	My babies venture with me mostly everywhere I go. I once enjoyed one vacation to Mexico during the two years that I committed to my master’s degree, while my baby girl was not in my care full-time. I took a trip during one of my spring breaks with friends and loved it. It was for respite. I thought I earned it for working hard. When my daughter moved back in my care, it was “grind” time but after two years we traveled parts of the world together for 10 months in South & Central America and two weeks in our favorite place: The Philippines.
I am disrespectful	I use my voice. I stand up for myself and what I belief is right. I am passionate. I am not perfect. I am principled. I am human.
My significant others gained their acceptance	In my 33-years, I have had 3 long-term relationships in my adult life. All which came with their own unique challenges and one that shook my world in a crazy way. But nothing that I feel I didn’t manage as best I could or that I allowed to cause problems in the lives of the people I love. My most recent love Ilya Paka was a man who changed my life. He naturally gained the love of most people that he met as the gem that he was. In my eyes, no one did him any favors accepting him. To know him was to love him.
I don’t worry about my children	I became a stay-at-home & work from home mom because I worry greatly about my children. When away from my littles, I often feel anxious. I think about their future often. I raise them to be close so that in my absence, they have the love and support of one another always.
I complain about everyone	I speak up about what bothers me. One of my qualities that I admire is my frank and vocal nature. I don’t allow people to treat me any way they wish. I speak my values and try to outline healthy boundaries. I protect my peace which includes protecting my babies from the actions and words of others that I find harmful.
The care that I select for my children is questionable	I trust my children in the care of individuals I can trust. In my absence, my children have experienced things that were harmful while with people I believed I could trust. Today, I forgive myself for this and separate my children from sources of harm.
I am blasphemous	I confide in friends and loved ones I can trust, regarding my truth and struggles. They encourage and support me. I return the same. The nature of our conversations are based in truth and real-life experiences. I encourage people to find support in people with whom they feel most comfortable. I encourage friendships and the growing of your own tribe. I speak out against things that are malicious and untrue.
I have no loyalty	I refuse to condone what I believe is negative or toxic actions. I am loyal to who and what feels right. I disagree with the idea that status, roles, etc. should exempt people from consequences when they are wrong. I have strong relationships based on love, truth, and loyalty which I am proud of.
I have misconceptions about my life	I design my life based on my values and all that I believe to be true. I accept that not everyone will understand my life. I make mistakes as I am not perfect. My life is very much about trial and error. I learn and adjust as I go.
I shut people out	I love genuine, loving connections that feel in alignment with who I am. I give people chances. I am social. I thrive off of healthy relations. I enforce my boundaries. I no longer accept things that feel wrong to me.
I use my children as pawns	I dedicate my life and entire existence to protecting my children from harm/potential harm.
There is no perfect person; they are content with their efforts and role in my life… they are excellent.	There is no perfect person. Perfection in my opinion doesn’t exist. I don’t strive for perfection. I strive towards greater healing and growth. I am good at certain things in my life. There is always room for me to improve. My best looks different as I grow. I am a work in progress. My excellence will be determined by my higher power, at my end.

Here she is…. my Mind Dump Journal. She allows me to free my mind without prompts. I draw, doodle, write deep entries, and just go where my heart leads me. It has been a transformative process and mind dumping is a process that I began about two years ago and have since taught the art to the women whom I work with.

Wooooh! Processing and working through this conversation took grace and bravery. I received the message, realized the reality that I would destroy myself working to ever gain the understanding of this person in my lifetime, and I set the burden free. I mediated, connected with my tribe, ugly cried, and now I carry on… continuing to process all of this and ultimately work through what I feel now. In my journal I wrote:

“Wow! Finding truth is liberating. It sometimes takes a lot of work and deep reality testing. This entry has freed me in a way that I never imagined.”
Tea Pakanayeva- in my journal title “A Journey to a Better Me Through the Art of Mind Dumping”

This process for me was necessary to work through the bounds of a relationship that has played a significant role in my life and influenced me in ways both good and bad. I share my approach to freeing myself from this bond to offer hope and inspiration to someone else out there. Self-doubt is often times the result of things that we are told about who we are. In not being able to see what others see in us, we can sometimes fall into dark places of despair. But today I encourage you to rise above this as difficult as it may sometimes feel. Remind yourself of who you are, your purpose, and what you commit yourself to, daily. Free yourself from things and people not in alignment with your highest self. Find simple activities such as meditation, journaling, and genuine affirmations to help you find your way and elevate. Turn to resources such as coaching and counseling as your find your truth. Your truth will always set you free. Sending an abundance of love and light to my tribe out there today, doing the work of deep deep healing. Keep pushing… liberation is so close.

I dedicate this write to my beautiful children A’Bree Inez (13) and A’Brahm Ilian (4). Thank you for your unconditional love. I commit to being a better of myself not only for me but for us. Love Mama ❤

Be well in these uncertain times friends, until next time….

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom