triumph – Millennial Mom

Justice for Ilya: A Disheartening Fight for Truth

My beloved Ilya, despite the fatigue I feel in my spirit and the pain that I feel in my heart, I will never stop fighting for you. #Justice4Ilya

By now the Millennial Mom community and friends near and far know of the tragic loss of my dearest love Ilya Pakanayev. December 24th, 2022 was the three year anniversary of Ilya’s death. Although I have hoped and believed that my pain would decrease with time, this year has felt extremely painful. It was likely worse than the pain that I felt on the morning that I received that shocking call and my mourning commenced. This is because I have spent much of 2022 in torment; battling what I wanted for myself and my family as it relates to the fight for Ilya, against the opinions of others. I made the decision in November of 2022 to bring light my late husband’s case for the sake of seeking justice and the full truth. I have traumatically relived the happenings of day one, lost hope in humanity learning new details about Ilya’s case, and I live in a state of confusion daily trying to navigate where to turn next. With many things so uncertain at this time in life, the only thing that I know with great certainty is that I will never stop in my fight for #Justice for Ilya.

From restaurant tables to bathroom stalls, everywhere I go, I’m sharing Ilya’s story. I’m grateful to supporters who have joined in this mission. Spreading awareness is our greatest hope at this time.

If you are unaware of Ilya’s story, in short, he left home on December 23rd, 2019 and never returned. He was traveling from our home in Monticello NY, to his parents in Forest Hills, Queens NY. It was the second night of Chanukah but Ilya never made it to his destination. He was ultimately found in the a.m. hours on Christmas eve, unconscious in a driveway in Southside Jamaica Queens. Upon receipt of a call providing only the details “Ilya’s dead”, I instantly knew that something was very wrong in Ilya’s case but genuinely trusted that authorities would figure it all out. As things stand today, I was naive and wrong in my beliefs. When I went to identify my love at the Queens Medical Examiner’s office, it was there that I learned that Ilya’s case was a criminal investigation.

Detectives later arrived to inform me of the strange happenings in Ilya’s case. I was told that my beautiful husband’s lifeless body was viewed via doorbell camera footage, being carried by two men and dumped in a residential driveway. According to detectives the men were identified and authorities were waiting to interview them. Our family was ultimately told that an investigation was underway and we would be provided updates as developments unfolded. Anxious and desperate for the truth, I called the police precinct persistently for updates hoping that new answers would come promptly, due to the early developments in the case. Week after week, from December of 2019 to March of 2020, when I reached out to the police department, I was told that the case was still moving forward. And then COVID-19 hit and the world went mad. Ilya’s case was passed through different investigative divisions within the NYPD and to the hands/desks of different professionals. Around his birthday in May of 2020, I called the police precinct only to learn that his case had been “closed months ago”. My heart sank and my mind went blank. What came next was more indicators that there was more to Ilya’s case than I had initially thought. This discovery led me down a very dark and lonely road, trying to raise my children while my mind played out traumatic scenarios day after day. I attempted to ignore my grief and in doing so I developed what is known as prolonged bereavement. Ilya’s story has caused me to experience PTSD symptoms. With all of this I have still found the will to go on. Now when people ask how my only answer is “by the grace of G_d”.

Your love and beautiful soul has left my life forever changed. It taught me many lessons including ones about life in general and how to love myself first.

I have found it necessary to take two plus years to process my pain; a task which looks different everyday and a process that will continue for the rest of my life. Through this journey I had to discover my own healing regimen in efforts to best cope with my new reality. This had to be a top priority before I could dedicate myself to fighting for justice for Ilya in a healthy way. In November after feeling tired, disappointed, angry, and desperate for answers, I sprang into action, launching a social media campaign to bring awareness to Ilya’s case. It was 12 long weeks of foot work, completing a long list of responsibilities every single day. New discoveries that came to light during this time were eye opening and disheartening at the same time. And although I believe that I made new strides unlike I had ever made in the past, the words, attitudes, violation of my family’s privacy and wishes, and a complete lack of concern for humanity were more in my face than ever before as I was pursuing this fight, relying on social media. In a situation such as my own, the coldness of the world was too hard to ignore.

Ilya’s resting place in Wellwood Cemetery

Where things stand today, my heart is broken and the hope that I have for humanity dwindles every day. It is thanks to the earthly angels who walk with me through this life and the divine, that I find more strength to keep on in this mission; especially on the days when I am truly ready to give up. I am grateful for the advances that I was able to make at the start of this campaign, with the support of friends, family, and new supporters via our GoFundMe dedicated to raising money for a private investigator and an independent medical examiner. I am thankful to News12 reporter Blaise Gomez for covering Ilya’s story and bringing light to the injustices in his case. And lastly, I am thankful for everyone who has checked on me and supported me through this very painful process. At present, I have strayed away from social media as a tool in this fight. Maybe in the future I will return there. For now I have realized the importance of finding another way. I have been writing for grants to help families like my own, continuing outreach efforts with the team that has joined me in doing so, and relying on my more intimate communities for support. More than ever before I need to redefine and redesign a tribe. Through this pain ridden movement I learned who my tribe truly is.

As always, I wanted to share my truth here to reach anyone who can relate to my pain. I also turn here with hopes that anyone who wishes to connect with me, will reach me. Maybe you’re a widow or a widower too; maybe you’ve suffered a tragic loss; maybe in some area of your life you’ve lost hope; or maybe you’ve realized that your tribe needs some redesigning and through my story you’re reminded that it’s a reality for not only you. Whatever the case, you are not alone and I live to be a resource and supporter to people like us. If you’re reading this today and are drawn to support the #Justice4Ilya campaign, here is how you can help:

1. Donate to and or share our GoFundMe link

2. Participate in outreach efforts by emailing info@justice4iLyaPaka.org to receive info cards via mail that you can distribute in your community

3. Join an upcoming call to assist with sourcing grants or to help brainstorm other ways to reach our goals (email above contact for details)

4. Follow us on Instagram @Just4iLyaPaka

*** These are the ways in which I am currently asking for support in this mission to get answers in Ilya’s mysterious death. I ask that any other effort be discussed with me prior, due to the nature and sensitivity of our situation.

I hope that this write reaches the eyes and hearts of whomever it needs to reach. Sending love and positive energy to my Millennial Mom supporters all over the world and I ask that you keep my family in thoughts and prayers in a similar way. Stay tuned for my next writes including one titled:

My Prayer for All of the Forgotten Ones

There is so much new content waiting to be published here and through my continued dedication to writing, I show my followers who turn to this blog for inspiration and hope that you are never forgotten. Until next time…

xoxo,

Tea

Millennial Mom

The Day a Stranger Fed My Soul: feedback from a follower

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Why is it that we learn the most about a person’s impact on the world after they die? I started to think more and more about this following the death of rapper Nipsey Hussel. To be honest, I had no clue about who he was prior to his death. I only knew who he was after my cousin told me the news and referred to him as “Lauren London’s boyfriend”. Then for weeks as the world prepared to say their last goodbyes to Hussel, I witnessed how many people were truly touched by/mourning his death; celebrities and common-folk alike. I also learned about all of the amazing things that he did for his community and I was inspired. Now this piece is not at all about the latest news in Hip-hop culture. It is however, about the need for us as a people to tell our friends, our loved ones, or even a stranger how they touch our lives… while they exist with us here on earth. This was my experience twice in the past week (this happened in April) where I was on the receiving end of feedback. First happening during a “catch-up” date with a dear friend. My friend opened up to me about the way she viewed me and how I inspired her, and I cried. Hearing what she felt about me was different, a little uncomfortable, and heartwarming all at the same time.

And here’s my gal Nicole… or Kneecole as I often call her. A close friend of many years whom I’ve shared the realest chats with. She can be a little on the shy side so I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing her with you. But she’s been a great support to me for many years, during my toughest times, and I’d scream it from a roof top lol 💙 This is us mingling with the locals on a girls trip in Belize, Fall 2018.

Following the date with my friend, I asked myself why I felt any discomfort during our chat. After all we have been close friends since childhood. I came to realize that I felt weird about receiving positive feedback because I don’t get such genuine recognition enough. I also cried because my friend’s words spoke to my soul and in summary told me to keep pushing because I was doing something right. For some time I have asked mother universe, what is my purpose? who do people understand me to be? and what mark will I leave on the world when my body leaves this earth? Very deep questions, I know but I cannot carry-on in this life without confirmation. And my interaction with my friend was just that. Recently, mother universe again sent me what I asked for…. soul food and feedback; coming by way of a complete stranger in my inbox. The writer wrote:

Tanisha,

I just read your latest post and you are amazing. I first read one of your posts around 2 years ago. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. At that point I had been teaching for about 18 years. I loved the children I taught for years, and for years that kept me there. Then my job started affecting my life and my parenting. One morning when I was really feeling helpless I read your blog about giving everything up and traveling with your daughter. It gave me hope.

Through all my years (in our hometown), I knew your dad. It took me awhile to make the connection. When I saw his picture with your daughter the other day I figured out you were his daughter. Through my 18 years I would see your dad and he always spoke of you. He was always so proud of you and your accomplishments. The year I read your blog I started therapy and gained enough confidence to look for another job after 18 years. I ended up getting a position I love, 6 minutes from my house. I am happy and love my profession again. One day, my son was running a (track & field) meet. I saw your dad and we caught up for awhile. I told him I was looking for a job and he was talking about you and when you used to run. He cheered so loudly for my son that day and my son ran his best race ever. He never reached that time again. I have thought of that day and of you so often through the years. You do not know me, but just know that your words, confidence, and risk taking has made me make huge changes in my life. Thank you for that. I admire your courage!! I also wanted you to know how proud of you, your dad has always been.”

Receiving this message made my week and changed my life. It told me to keep going and so I shall. I end this post with a special message to my friends, family, and followers: tell the people around you what they mean to you! If you have a meaningful experience with a stranger, let them know. We are here for reasons greater than what we think and our interactions with one another help to bring clarity regarding our strengths and the paths that we should travel in life. Our gifts are made to touch others in a special way. What we do or should be doing should be for reasons other than recognition or financial l gain. Here on Millennial Mom, I share my gift of writing and coaching with you. I encourage you to journey through life with purpose! And be true to yourself and that purpose. And last, I advise you not to show up to my funeral crying and carrying on about what I meant to you, if you never told me while I’m here… I’ll call you out lol. I hope someone enjoyed this write. Let me know your thoughts by dropping a comment. Stay tuned and until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Get a House and Grow Your Roots”: A “gypsy” woman’s response to criticism

Rare that you see a woman of color and her miniature belly dancing on a beach right? But yes this is us! So much about us makes us such a rare bunch 💙

“Your family is like a gypsy family… no school, moving here moving there. Get a house! Grow your roots in one place” she said to me. The former statement was such a compliment to me and I immediately lit up when I heard it. The latter was the worst advice anyone could have given me, but it was understandable considering the source. Only the people who truly know me would understand why. If you have been a follower of Millennial Mom and have been keeping up with the changes I have made in my life, you know why too.

The words the woman said to me went in one ear and out the other. I felt sad for her! That although leaving her home country full of culture years ago to migrate here to the states (to find whatever she was seeking), she ultimately stopped seeking and became complacent with following the norm. Chasing money, working long hours at one job, finding little time to vacation, and accumulating large debt to live a dream that many of us are not privileged to comfortably live. For most people, this routine is the only way to live. And many people do it with or without complaint; I respect and commend the people who have chosen to live this dream. Then there are those of us who struggle and need a more sensible way to live. For me, this routine derails me from my ultimate goals and dreams. Goals and dreams that I’m repeatedly questioned about and sometimes criticized for having. So I write this post to share why I’m committed to living Tea’s Dream opposed to the one that we often refer to as the American Dream (abbreviated here as AD). And sharing how I often respond to the tough critics who simply do not get it.

Thus far in my life, I’d say I’ve come very far and accomplished a great deal. At one point, I was on the path of living this AD and was very much in agreement with it. Then one day I began to question why we strive for this one dream even when it makes life that much harder for some of us. When pondering this, I was specifically focusing on our practice of assuming large debt for higher education, the purchase of homes that will take long years to pay off, and for the purpose of buying/leasing vehicles. My thoughts initially began following a trip abroad. I remember traveling to the Philippines and being invited by our Tuk-Tuk (a motorized bike taxi) driver to his house. I was shocked to see what the driver and his family called home and I immediately felt bad for them. I didn’t want to accept a drink or the snacks that they offered us, fearing that they may not have had enough for themselves. The driver noticed my reluctance to take what he and his family were offering and then politely taught me something. He reminded me that “mini me” and I were his guests, told me that he was delighted to offer us refreshments, and said that the Philippines is not like America where his sister is a nurse. He stated that “we have much less and we are happy too”. I have since replayed this exchange in my head for the last three years because the meaning and the lesson in this conversation is so deep. Based on what I walked away with, I am constantly evaluating my life and the things that I choose to value.

Prior to shifting my focus toward a new way of living, the AD was something that I valued greatly and it was something that I was determined to achieve. My dedication started in the area of education. My education has always been important to me as I understood early on, how it would impact my ability to sustain the lifestyle that I wanted. Because of this, I was sure to take it serious from the very beginning. I finished high school in great standing and immediately went on to college despite hardship (read about it here). I knew exactly what I wanted to study and planned for it. One thing that I didn’t think through completely was the expense to obtain higher education, especially at the graduate level; and how this would impact me after completion of my degree. This topic isn’t one thoroughly addressed in school either so if you’re not learning this at home or on your own, you learn the hard way later on. But that’s a topic for a different post. Anyhow, I was fortunate to be a recipient of over $60,000 in scholarship funding which made my education affordable. However, practicum hours (3,000 plus) and maintaining the cost to live in NYC while completing my degree and work experience requirements, as a single mother, required me to secure loans to stay afloat. Luckily, the full cost of my education was covered.

Graduating with my M.A. in Forensic Mental Health Counseling from CUNY John Jay College of Criminal Justice, May, 2014.

After completing school and advancing my career, I started working to pay off loans while managing the expense of rent, my vehicle, childcare, and other bills. After a while I began to ask myself “is this life? Is this what I’m expected to do for the rest of mine? And for people like myself who are far from financial wealth, how do you comfortably make this work?” So I began plucking the brains of the people in my life who I believed to have responsibly done it; people I looked up to as good examples. Sadly, the advice I was given took me in a circle and I was right back where I started with the same questions. “New home buyer programs, leasing vs. financing, and repayment plan options” for loans were things I was told to consider. I was already aware of these things and was expecting much better advice. I ultimately decided that instead of looking outward for answers as I often tend to do, I was going to flip things and reverse it (yes I sang Missy Elliot “work it” as I wrote that). I was going to look inward, see what I needed, realize what I could live without, better understand what would make me happy at the end of this life, and change my life’s trajectory. I was going to begin moving according to a new plan that took all of these things into consideration. And so I did! You can read more about the specifics of my journey if you haven’t already, throughout my blog posts including:

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Journey to Tiny House Living: moving from one box to another? … Why?

A New Life Aligned: Meditation and Travel

Our Home… Her School: homeschooling for us

Major changes that I made related to the things at the core of the AD…. my job, my home, and the education that I afforded my daughter. I drafted a plan where we would end our expensive life in one place and instead take on a more affordable life in multiple places (countries). We would spend less time apart for the purposes of learning and working to do so while together, moving at our own pace, according to what was right for us as a family and as individuals. And I recently factored in saving to buy an unconventional home (a tiny house) outright to eliminate the debt and commitment that comes with the purchase of a traditional home, and the senselessness that exists by renting a home that will never be ours. With the amount of research, pros and cons lists, and exploration that I put in prior to setting these goals, I often feel confident with my decisions and plans. In addition, I have always believed that my resilience, hard work, and dedication to my life success have proven my ability to make the most challenging situations into something polished. Although these are my sentiments, it’s not something that everyone can see. And because of this, I often feel pressured to explain and respond to tough criticism regarding my life plans, although I understand that I don’t have to.

“No traditional school for your child? No 9-5 job? No plan to purchase a traditional home? Extended travel for months at a time?” These are some of the questions I’m often asked with pre-judgment, from those inquiring. I was once told that my plans and lifestyle are “careless” and “irresponsible”. The only reasoning I was provided was because there is “no stability and foundation” for my family based on my plans. And for the longest time I thought about these two concepts: stability and foundation and how subjective they are. From person to person, these things have different meanings. From person to person, our needs, wants, and circumstances all differ. So we should therefore strive to attain whatever it is that satisfies these things for us individually. As much as I believed in the past, that this is what most people do, I learned otherwise during the course of answering questions and responding to criticism about my practices. I started to feel as if I was viewed in a negative light for wanting to live an alternative lifestyle with benefits for my entire family. And this was quite bothersome because people have provided me little support for why they believe what I am striving for to be so careless. Thankfully such feedback hasn’t changed my mind about what I hope to accomplish and I am grateful for these conversations.

I have engaged in numerous talks (many happening thanks to my shares here on Millennial Mom) where I have clarified many misconceptions regarding some of my family practices such as homeschooling, extended travel, and journeying to live tiny. I have given many people something to think about and have received great responses … even from complete strangers. In addition to the many other things that I value, such dialogue is important to me. As I constantly evaluate my practices vs. my purpose (blog post coming soon) I hope to encourage others, and stimulate more independent thinking and living.

In my 30- years (I just celebrated another year on 5/22), here’s what I have discovered. As a people we’ve gotten too accustomed to following an outline, the majority, or the norm; being told what to think and how; feeling pressured to live a particular lifestyle out of fear, straying away from doing our own searching, and failing to truly follow what our hearts want. In my counseling work and personal life, I see this pattern too often. I repeatedly learn about the dreams that people wish they followed, why they didn’t, and the mistakes they made. Pressure from parents, desire to please the spouse, need to comfort the kids… all common responses I’ve heard about reasons dreams and plans got away from people on particular paths. I’m eager to not make this my life as I value maintaining genuine happiness and persistently attaining new knowledge much more than following what society believes is right for me. I am dedicated to navigating life’s journey according to my purpose. So I have regular check-ins with my heart and present my findings to my brain. Recently after doing so, I had to ask myself a series of questions to see just where I stand in relation to tho AD.

This clean illustration by lawyer and cartoonist Victor Chew captures how I view the AD oh too well!!! @victorexpat IG

Is it responsible to purchase a home or car that I’ll have to work and pay for, for a significant part of my life? Maybe

Is this something I could do? Yes, miserably and uncomfortably

Is this something I want to do? Absolutely not.

Is it considered “living” to me if I settle in one place, commit to working for 40 plus years at job to secure retirement and pay for material things? Not At All!!!

Here’s why:

In my life I hope to continue making as many countries in the world, our home! I’d rather pay for my children to live like royalty at a price that leaves me feeling content rather than fearful. I wish to eliminate the stress from my husband, of having to work long hard hours just to cover our basic expenses. I will live and love in a space that provides just what my family needs at a cost that allows me to make greater investments… like the purchase of farmland that my daughter asked me about, one year ago where we will one day park a tiny home and grow what our stomachs and hearts desire. I yearn for the freedom to go where my heart leads me and where the universe calls me without any burdens to hold me back. All of this is for the purpose of our genuine happiness that I first wrote about at the start of Millennial Mom. And that comes with making more memories minus all the materials, seeing new places, people, and cultures, and continuing to find peace in our minds and body, in nature. Today I’m just praying for my family’s continued faith that there is more than one way, and their understanding that the universe always has our backs. I’m far from crazy, or lazy, or careless. I’m simply trying to help my family grow without sacrificing the things that mean the most.

So the the masses that say, “grow your roots”, my roots are grounded! My trunk is grown, my branches are in place… just wait for the twigs and leaves/flowers to come. They will be a beauty and with the seasons they will change 🙏🏾. (As if I don’t have a enough to do, I am in the process of painting an oil on canvas piece as self-therapy, that I’ll call Tea’s Tree. I will share in a future post when I’m finished so look out for that.) And the people who see me as a “gypsy”, I’m flattered, thank you!

It felt good sharing this with my readers. I hope you take away the message that not everyone is going to get you. But don’t let that hinder you from doing you. We all know what’s best for us and although our choices may not always reflect that, they are things that we must live with and learn from 💙. If this post gave you a thought, or inspiration, drop a comment or emoji below (I love them). Have questions, advice, or feedback? Let a mama know. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

“Instead of buying your children all the things you never had, you should teach them all the things you were never taught. Material wears out but knowledge stays” – Bruce Lee

A New Life Aligned: Meditation and Travel

An amazing shot I captured in Tulum, Mexico on a walk through the ruins

After years of much chaos and disorder in my life, I finally got to a point where things just seemed to fall into place. Although things did not happen over night and required significant changes on my behalf, life felt sweet minus the chaos I was familiar with. Sadly, after experiencing disappointment for so long it was sometimes hard for me to accept the blessings that were right in front of me. However, one year ago I vowed to begin training my mind to view my life’s journey differently. I ultimately learned that what is meant to be in this life will be; and found that our trials are just as valuable as our triumphs. And here I sit today so grateful to the universe for this new life aligned. I am appreciative for the new understanding I have found and content with the blessings in my world that encourage me to look forward to my days ahead. As I always say, I feel compelled to share my journey with those who seek motivation and liberation from similar struggles. I argue that change similar to what I have experienced is possible for anyone who makes the necessary adjustments. For me those adjustments included the introduction of meditation and travel into my life.

I personally made revisions in my life beginning with the way I viewed events both good and bad. I intensely trained my mind how to work through situations that were challenging without crashing or giving in when things didn’t go as I anticipated. I also worked hard to learn how to just be still; to settle my mind and realize that I am not always in control. Each day I remind myself to limit my obsession with control and to be open to whatever is to come. From these efforts I have been blessed with an inner peace that no one can take away from me; and blessed to now be journeying through life with more clarity. I cherish where I am today and the way in which I arrived here is something I will never forget. Meditation, self-reflection, re-evaluation of relationships/separation from negativity, and travel have been the biggest contributors to where I stand today.

Meditation has now become a valuable and significant part of my life. It is a routine that aids me to be more balanced and I believe it will ultimately help me to live a more a stable life. I turned to meditation when I realized that I was often anxious, lacking focus, and allowing stress to impact me physically and mentally. I learned to use meditation in all areas of my life not only when things were off, but also when things were going well as I not only yearned for balance but wanted to maintain it once I found it. Meditation for me has become a lifestyle. I now commit to use it to remain centered and to advance. In the past I was skeptical of people who were so pro-meditation but I have found that it is such a simplistic practice to better one’s life; a practice I wish I had incorporated into my life sooner.

Travel (extended) has been the biggest blessing for me and my family as well; particularly my little one. Sadly, we became so accustomed to a routine of work, work, work that we were overwhelmed and brainwashed to believe there was no other way. But I remember the day that we threw in the towel and started researching a better option to survive and also be happy. Ultimately we arrived at escaping the life and routine that exposed us to the pressures of the capitalist lifestyle and became adventurers. We were no longer chasing a dollar but instead following our hearts to live our dreams. We were able to connect again and experience life through a different lens. We met some amazing people abroad who were inspirations to us; people who taught us there is no one way to live life; people who proved that you can be happy with less; people who showed us that our dedication to family, love, and happiness is imperative. I am so happy that my family shared this experience and hope to soon return to it.

Like mother like daughter… taking a few moments to take in the beautiful sunset, Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica

If you too feel that things in your world are off, you lack inner happiness/peace, and you yearn for a more stable mind, consider adjusting your outlook on things and re-training your mind. Step away from some of the routines you have become accustomed to that consume your energy and time, and try something new. Do what frees you… do what pleases you. The reality is we only get to do this thing called life once and the numerous factors that make this journey challenging, will only lead us to our end days wishing. I vow for this to not be my fate. So today I stand proud; so thankful for my struggles and understanding that I am a work in progress but I am grateful for this new life aligned.

Afternoon strolls by the beach and quality time, Big Corn Island, Nicaragua

This post is dedicated to the locals of the Philippines, Peru, Nicaragua, Panama, Costa Rica, Colombia, and Mexico who showed us a new way. Stay tuned for future posts about the regions we traveled to, budgeting/planning, and much more. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Navigating the Family Court System: “yes your honor”

In a matter of 18-months, I mastered how to move through the New York Family Court system initially by using my knowledge as a layperson. I found myself involved there not by choice, but after it was alleged by “parent B” that I kept our daughter away from him for several years. “Parent B” was fighting against me for custody and the right to visits until custody was decided. Obviously the courts were unaware of our history and all the rights and visits that I had afforded “parent B” prior to him petitioning them. I understood that it would be my responsibility to inform the court of our background during a trial however, I was unaware of the treacherous battle that was ahead of me. Nor was I familiar with the politics in family court but boy did I learn very quickly. And for a time period that I found to be way too long, I was before a court telling my truth. Although, it was one of thee most uncomfortable and nerve-wracking experiences in my life, I was determined to endure through it. Especially after I was presented with the false allegations against me. After hearing the “alternative facts” that my daughter’s father entered into court documents, I was angry but ready to tell my story. And I vowed that I would do so based on the actual facts while remembering to keep my emotions out of the process. When questioned by the judge about my readiness to proceed in the case against me, I confidently responded “yes your honor”. I was extremely afraid and uncertain of what would come next. But I was motivated knowing that I was going battle on behalf of my “mini me” for the years of chaos, abuse, and instability we endured with “parent B”.

Her smile has always been a personal reminder that I am doing something right.

Before things in my court case took off running, I had to learn the politics of the court system and come to terms with it. There were so many practices and procedures that I did not understand or agree with; many of which I found to make absolutely no sense. For instance, hearings would sometimes be scheduled for a particular date and time and on the day of proceedings things would last 10 -15 minutes before an adjournment was issued; only for me to arrive at the next appearance and experience the same thing. This for me was a nuisance especially since I was traveling from three hours away to be present for court in the county where “parent B” petitioned. Court days for me were a huge expense as I would have to miss work to travel and would lose out on my day’s pay of $240. I was responsible for paying our nanny to work extra hours so that she could look after Bree in my absence, and I had pay for gas and tolls in order to make my trip to the court. Initially things were doable but then my case started to drag out longer than I believed necessary. My employer then began to question my frequent need to request time off and I was very worried. The financial aspect of my court battle was burdensome not to mention the ways in which my case impacted me mentally. Things did not stop there and as I started to lose out on money in this process, I had to seek out assistance options available to people in my situation. Sadly, what I found was both mind-blowing and discouraging.

With life’s lemons, we have always been thee most dynamic duo to have made the most amazing lemonade.

In efforts to better work through my case and address the hardship I was facing while attempting to attend court appearances, I started to look for programs that could aid or advise me. I found plenty of assistance in my neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York willing to offer me help. Unfortunately these programs could not serve me if my case was in another county. So, I considered help in the county where my case was being heard but learned that there were no special programs like the ones I located in New York City. There also was no assistance in New York State for working mothers at certain income levels. After learning this, I was so discouraged but believed that an attorney could better assist me. However, after several consultations the expense to hire an attorney was far more than what I could afford. I was denied a court appointed attorney on the basis that I made “too much money” and none of my expenses as a single parent were even considered in this determination although I presented them. I was not in receipt of any child support at the time, I lived in one of the most expensive cities in New York, I was being forced to travel and miss work on days that there were scheduled court appearances, and I was responsible for caring for myself and my daughter on solely one income. As much as these factors impacted me, they were not important to the court in determining my need. In this process of my case, I felt very lost and it appeared that there was no help for me.

aunt and Unc — Two people who have always given us their unwavering support in our darkest moments… Our aunt Mona and uncle Terry.

In contrast to the hardship that I was facing, it seemed that “parent B” navigated the court system with such ease. Not based on any work that he had personally done but because he was afforded several resources due to his circumstances; resources that I do not believe he even appreciated. He was granted several legal aid attorneys on various occasions due to his income level. Not one, not two, but three court appointed attorneys who he disrespected in court proceedings and then dismissed whenever he was unhappy. Many days I sat in the courtroom in shock about the circus “parent B” was able to create with very little consequences to follow. In addition, he was able to conveniently travel 10-minutes to the courthouse and lost very little in the process of our case. He was unemployed (by choice) and did not have a routine to support our daughter financially, pick-up her up from school, or pay her childcare/afterschool fees. All of these things were things I had managed for many years and court days made it even harder from me. It seemed to me that it would have been in the best interests of all three of us if our custody battle was fought in NYC where Bree and I lived. “Parent B” would still receive the same resources that he was granted in the county where he petitioned, if not more. In that event, I too would have had access to resources due to the increased number of legal aid programs available in NYC; and I would be able to continue carrying out my daily duties as a mom even on days that I had court. Such a change would cause me to lose less money. and I would only need to travel one hour by train to the courthouse; “parent B” would have needed to travel two.

After thinking things through, I entered a motion for a change of venue based on the fact that a change would better benefit everyone involved but sadly my request was denied. I did not understand the reason for the denial and again I found the politics of the family court to be troublesome. Had I been the individual weighing in on our case, I would have considered all the factors presented in my motion for a change of venue as I believed what I outlined to be very reasonable. My alternative option to transfer the case to NYC was one that I thought could better reach a resolution which considered myself, “parent B”, and Bree. However, decisions were made only in favor of “parent B” who I believe has been winning for many years and facing no consequences for his negative and irresponsible conduct. It was argued by one of his attorneys that he could not afford to travel to my jurisdiction for court proceedings due to financial hardship and it appeared that my hardship was meaningless. The court agreed with what “parent B” ‘s attorney argued and disregarded the fact that Bree and I lived in NYC for over three years. They also failed to consider the fact that “parent B” had just relocated back to the county after he had gone MIA for over three years. As upset as all of this made me and as much as I found it to be unfair, I was determined to keep pushing. There was no space for meltdowns or tantrums in the process of what I needed to get accomplished.

Bree is free — Moments like these have always given me motivation to keep going through our hardship… I am the happiest mom in the world when I see my little one soar.

Overtime, my court process was beginning to anger me especially as I felt like no end was in sight. But then one day “parent B” failed to appear for trial day and the judge decided to dismiss the case. I was so relieved as I felt that I could return to work, make up for the money that I had lost during the months that my case dragged on, and overall put things behind me. However, after two short weeks I was notified again with another petition to repeat the court process. “Parent B” had re-petitioned the courts to fight for custody again and notified me that he would ultimately make my life hell. As much as I was frustrated and tired, in a way I admired “parent B” ‘s dedication. I simply did not understand why he failed to show these qualities in the years prior. And with much stress and discouragement I proceeded to take on this journey again. After my experience from the first go around, I knew I had to secure an attorney as my efforts to accomplish things as a layperson in the previous proceedings were not enough. I worried that I would lose my job if I informed my employer that I was back in the court system and in need of days off, and believed that an attorney could help me with this issue. I knew that I was unable to pay the full-price of what an attorney cost so I reached out and bargained with different legal professionals. I offered to do all of the leg work in my case in exchange of receiving a discounted rate. Luckily, I found an attorney who was willing to take on my case. After retaining her, I prepared a legal binder containing timelines of events from a journal I maintained over the years; text messages and emails from “parent B”, statements from teachers, family, and friends, police reports, reports from Child Protective Services, and records showing the lack of support we received from “parent B” over the years. The binder was like my storybook. It was a resource holding the details of my life story for a period of over six years. All of the documents were things that brought my story to life and sadly throughout my court case I was reliving the struggle and trauma I already suffered through. Fortunately, throughout my trial, I had the unwavering support of key figures in my life including my best friends, my aunt and uncle, my mother, and my older sister.

Court Binder — The “storybook” /resource book I compiled to fight my case.

Unfortunately, as the case dragged on I could no longer afford to pay my attorney per court appearance even at the discounted rate. I ultimately had to dismiss her although I felt that I would greatly benefit from having her. However, I had to use what I learned during previous hearings to make out the best I could on my own. During the time that my attorney and I worked together, I watched her very closely grasping as much as I could on how to present information to the court and how to address the judge, attorneys, and “parent B”. I feared that I could very well lose my case based on my limited knowledge of law. However, I quickly pushed such negative thoughts out of my mind. Not knowing was not going to be the reason that I failed. All of the things that I did not know, I was going to find out…

Stay tuned for my next post: Navigating the Family Court System pt. II: achieving success as a self-taught lawyer.

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom

Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

In October of 2016, my “mini me”, the love of my life, and I made a huge leap. We left behind our lives in New York City, packed our backpacks, and set out to travel South and Central America for seven months. Our journey away is not the typical travel/vacation that most people imagine. We have yet to stay in one place during our course of travel and much of our journey has been done on a budget. We have moved about five different countries thus far, living out of our backpacks, lodging in various types of accommodation from luxury apartments, to hotels, to hostels. It’s been an AMAZING journey to say the least. Traveling with a child based on our style of travel has been both a unique and challenging experience. All in all, our excursion was planned and executed to meet my baby girl’s dream of traveling and seeing more of the world. This journey is also very much related to my dream of traveling which I put on hold after I became a mother. Despite how different our experience has been from the lives we live at home and despite the challenges that come with the traveling lifestyle, I’d say it is well worth it. But before I share more about the challenges and the things that have made this nomadic journey so special, I must first share the reason why I gave up everything I owned, left my career of six years behind, withdrew my “mini me” from school, and hit the road. My story is one that I hope serves as an example that there is no one way to journey through this life; when a path presents a road block simply find an alternative way.

Whenever I share my current experience and new lifestyle with others (backpacking with a 7-year-old through 6 countries, home/worldschooling, and working from home), I am often met with responses showing that others are intrigued, fascinated, inspired, and eager to know more. I am also frequently met with critical questions such as “why would you leave such a great career and life to wander? weren’t you scared? what will you do when it’s all over?; questions that I find somewhat realistic and very much in touch with how I believe most mothers, working professionals, and Americans feel. However, I would not consider myself your typical mother, would argue that I am different from the average working professional, and believe I am someone difficult to compare to the average American. To answer the questions often posed to me as a traveling and homeschooling mom, I gave up my career, lifestyle, and everything I owned for several reasons. Before I share my reasoning for such a change, it is important to note that everything I did came after careful planning, weighing of pros and cons, years of trying various options, and brainstorming of how I could do better for my daughter and myself. During a time when I was a single mother with limited help to provide for my daughter, I realized that I had to find a better way to maintain our household without depending on my family or the “system” to do so. For several years, I tried different options that impacted my daughter and I negatively. The reality is after such trial and error, we were tired. We faced more than enough hardship and challenges throughout our years together, and were ready to throw in the towel. We were sad, bored, and in many ways desperate. In addition to wanting to meet all of our needs and give us better, I was desperately seeking genuine happiness for my little girl and myself; the happiness that I seemed to have forgotten about in my normal life while being overwhelmed with school and work.

Since 2010, my “mini me” and I have had a lot on our plates. We have been pushing every day to stay above water in several aspects of our lives. In 2010, I was in the process of completing a Master’s degree in Forensic Psychology and spent many days away from my little one. I was commuting from upstate New York to New York City for classes at John Jay College. This was my routine three days per week for one year. I would leave home at 5:30 am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and return home after 6:00 pm. On the days that I did not attend classes, I was putting in hours at two internships, completing course work, hitting the gym, doing freelance work to maintain an income, and spending time with my daughter. It was no easy task but I always hustled with the belief that we would one day rise above our hardship. Sadly, my demanding commute and the repeated harassment I experienced from my daughter’s father often times made me feel like I was sinking. However, no matter how bad or tired I felt, I never gave up. I simply made changes in my life as needed. I was determined to be successful to give my “mini me” and I a better life and would do so by any means necessary. One of those means was leaving my baby in the care of my parents (my mother and step-father) for 1.5 years to go into what I call hiding; and to complete my degree with less distractions.

baby-girl-and-i Through it all, I maintained a smile…finding hope in the eyes of my “mini me”

In June of 2011, I relocated from my hometown in Monticello, New York, back to New York City where only my close friends and family knew where to find me. Living in my hometown, I was subjected to threats and harassment from my child’s father after I made the decision to leave him. I did not wish for such factors to hinder me from completing my degree and I wanted to remain safe. During my time in New York I was focused more on finishing my degree and began building a new life for my daughter and I. The two years that I spent finishing my degree were yet more sad and overwhelming times for me. I woke up alone daily, went to school for long hours or worked full-days, and went to bed the same way I awoke. Many nights I cried as I missed my daughter and although I tried to be optimistic, sometimes I did not believe some of the positive affirmations that I told myself. On weekends I traveled to the Catskills from my place of hiding to be with my family and returned home at the end of the weekend. This helped me feel less lonely and less guilty about being away from my daughter. The constant commuting was again no easy task but thankfully the day did finally come where we rose above and moved on from this stage in our lives. I graduated college with honors and completed my degree in Forensic Mental Health. I arranged for my baby girl to move down to NYC into our new and cozy apartment, and enrolled her in pre-school. Following my graduation, I was successful in landing my dream job providing therapy in a correctional facility, putting my degree to use. It appeared that the storm for us was passing and we were entering a state of calm.

One of the best days of my life, Graduation 2013; M.A, John Jay College

From May of 2012 to September of 2016, I worked hard to maintain a beautiful apartment in Brooklyn, New York for myself and my baby girl. In addition, I balanced all of our bills and expenses on my own paying close to $5,000 per month. I juggled school loans, childcare expenses, a car note, extra-curricular activities for Bree, and all of our monthly household and personal expenses. I continued to be optimistic throughout the process, maintaining the mindset that all my hard work would one day pay off. However, like any responsibility that requires hard work and dedication, there comes burnout after some time. After my years of being a dedicated mother, student, and professional, I was truly burned out from the work I was putting in. Although, I was familiar with burnout and mastered techniques to help me temporarily overcome it, I knew it was time to make a change when my little one too began showing signs that she was overwhelmed. Despite my fatigue, it was evident that my hard work was yielding favorable results. However I was still confident that there had to be another way. One of our favorite ways to find a place of calm… outdoors (here we are pictured while camping in Promise Land State Park, PA)

In the winter of 2015, my “mini me” began showing signs that I never saw before. During mornings when I would drop her off to school, she would cry for reasons that I did not understand. When I would pick her up from school, she would spend her evening clinging to me and begging to stay home from school the following day. These behaviors were new to me and one day prompted me to have a talk with Bree. I asked her what changed and her response was simple. She told me that she was TIRED of being away from me, TIRED of spending long hours in school, TIRED of spending dinner time and bath time with her nanny, and TIRED of seeing me tired. This for me was hard to swallow and brought about great sadness. I realized that in my efforts to give my daughter a better life I was causing her loneliness and sadness. In addition, she was trying her hardest to thrive in a single-parent household. This realization was the moment that I knew I had to make changes. I needed to begin brainstorming a plan that would allow Bree and I to live comfortably while spending more time together, a plan that would allow me to still feel that I was successful in my career and making use of my education, and a plan that would allow me to create a life that ultimately allowed Bree and I to be genuinely happy. And so the planning began…

school-and-work School/work days in NYC started something like this

Stay tuned for part II of Our Road to Happiness: finding an alternative way

Until next time…

xoxo

Millennial Mom

The Storm Before the Calm: preparing for “mommyhood” following an unexpected pregnancy

The past seven years of my life have been very interesting to say they least. So many challenges and blessings all mixed together. Today I reflect on the past seven years with a heart full of gratitude and the understanding that anything is possible. Before I got to where I am today and before I set out on my current journey with my mini me, we faced much adversity. We were constantly making adjustments in our lives to live the best that we could. Many of those adjustments involved me putting certain dreams on hold to be sure that I was always meeting the needs of A’Bree and putting her first. Travel is one of those dreams that I postponed. It was a dream that I constantly thought about during my college years. I even looked into participating in a study abroad program in Spain to get my travel fix. I was yearning for more culture and experiences that I did not believe I found living in New York City. However, a very strange turn of events changed things for me. My story is one that only few people know but a must share, so let’s start there.

During the start of my sophomore year in college (September of 2008), I took a huge leap and moved out of my dormitory to live with my daughter’s father. I had a rough year prior to my sophomore year as I underwent brain surgery and did not anticipate jumping right into my college career 6 weeks after a major surgery. However, I made it work and was trying my hardest to do everything to pursue my education and be successful. For financial reasons and in efforts not to exhaust the funds from a scholarship I received, I moved out of my dorm with my daughter’s father to save money. In November of 2008 during a routine MRI appointment to follow-up on the post-op conditions of my brain, I learned some very unexpected news. A nurse approached me and told me that I could not proceed with my MRI as my urinary pregnancy test came back positive. Of course I thought she was highly mistaken and had her check the label on the urine sample cup at least two times to compare it to my medical bracelet. And what do you know the information matched and the nurse was not mistaken. My world felt like it had crashed down and I went home in the deepest depression. I felt like I had no one to talk to and my relationship was not the best. I was isolated from my family with a man who was very much abusive in every way. It could not have been a worse time in my life for me to end up pregnant.

As soon as I was able to schedule a doctor’s appointment I did. When I went to the doctor I was told that I was approaching 13 weeks in my pregnancy. I constantly questioned why I presented with no symptoms or signs of pregnancy. I was reminded that discontinuing birth control immediately after my operation could have very well been the reason for this. I was uncertain of what to do and debated in my mind whether or not I would go through with a delivery. I was very lost but time was ticking away for me to make a decision. People around me gave me mixed feedback on what to do. My roommate Jessica Hyman assured me that I’d be a great mom while other friends told me I’d be ruining my life going through with my pregnancy. Despite my crazy circumstances, despite what people had to say, and despite the loneliness and fear that I felt I made MY choice, and I was going to become a mom.

8-months-prego May 2009, 8 months pregnant

As I prepared for “mommyhood” I put my social life and dream of traveling on pause. I could no longer hang with my friends and enjoy the things that young college students should enjoy. I needed to finish my degree before my mini me arrived; that was my priority. In my mind becoming a young mother and college drop-out was not an option. I doubled up on classes and completed my curriculum one semester early. I continued working until I was well into my 8th month of pregnancy. I saved as much money as I could and relocated back to my hometown keeping in mind that country living was more economical and ideal for me raising a child. Sadly a time in my life that should have been one of thee happiest and most exciting times was a very sad and overwhelming time for me. I hid my pregnancy until I began showing at around 8 months and isolated from people who would have probably helped me through such a tough time if only I had talked about it. The sadness however quickly went away from me on June 23rd, 2009 at 9:19 pm; the day that my beautiful daughter A’Bree Inez was born.

june-23 June 23, 2009…. A princess was born

Little did I know that becoming a mother would be one of the best things that ever happened to me. Nor did I know that becoming a young mom would be my motivation to achieve greatness. I call this time in my life, the storm before the calm. Today I can confidently say that becoming a younger mother is hands down one of the most challenging things that I ever faced in my life. However, it’s a life event that can serve as inspiration and motivation. It’s a time period where you find strength that you never knew you had and a time where your ability to be resilient is constantly tested. It does not have to limit or hinder you and it does not mean you give up on your dreams. Postpone things in your life as necessary until you are situated and then keep pushing. And today my friends I can truly say, my mini me and I are pushing.

I hope this story reaches and motivates whoever needed to read it. Know that there is always a calm after the storm. On another note, know that there is so much more to come from me. Until next time…

x0x0

Millennial Mom