Co-Parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent: prioritizing paternal power over parenting 

Successfully co-parenting with my daughter’s father (“parent B”) was my number one goal both while I was with him and after I made the decision to leave him. In fact, failing at this goal was one of my number one fears; so much so that it kept me in an abusive relationship longer than I should have been. I often felt pressured to stay and endure the maltreatment so that my “mini me” would have both parents until I one day realized that I would be making such a life possible for her at a great cost. I would be risking the emotional well-being and safety of myself and my child. But how could I be a great mother or be able to effectively co-parent if at the end of my day, I was not well? The reality is I could never! So with this enlightenment I also realized it was time to leave my relationship and eventually I did. Following the separation, I made it clear to “parent B” and people who questioned why I “catered” to him, that despite our failure in a romantic relationship I hoped for us to be the best parents possible to Bree. I made great efforts to be sure that this could happen until I understood that such a dream was only my own. Although, this goal is one that I believe should have been shared between myself and “parent B”, it became one that was solely burdensome and stressful to me; particularly working to get “parent B”and I on the same page. I was attempting to co-parent with a person who valued using his paternal power to puppeteer my life; someone who cared more about his control over  me rather than making efforts to successfully parent. Such values made co-parenting nearly impossible.

After moving out of a shared apartment and living separately from “parent B”, I was grateful to have escaped the abuse and control I once endured. I couldn’t have been happier to be free from the physical and verbal abuse, drug use, control, threats, and instability. Such a life transformed me into a submissive and fearful person where I was sad and depressed more days than not. After I realized how much I lost myself and during times where I thought about the example I hoped to set for my daughter, moving forward to become happy and emotionally stronger again became another one of my priorities. In efforts to do so, I sought the help of a counselor to talk through my issues, spent my free-time in the gym, focused on a healthier diet, and found hope in my spirituality. I had the unwavering support of my aunt Ramona and uncle Terry who have always been more like my parents, in addition to the full support of my mother and older sister. Evading the chaos in my life was initially challenging but once I was out of it, things seemed to be looking up for “mini me” and I.

Despite my history of abuse and hardship in my relationship, I was hopeful for a better future for myself and Bree; one that I envisioned with “parent B” involved. The optimist in me caused me to believe that things would be just fine. I was encouraged that life would be better and conflict would subdue being that I was out of the daily sights and interactions of “parent B”. I continued to have faith that “parent B” and I could be even better parents to my “mini me” if the stress of maintaining a romantic relationship was eliminated. My faith influenced my efforts to always assure that my daughter was connected with her father. I would transport Bree to visits whenever “parent B” asked and arranged phone dates for them regularly although Bree could barely speak. I would plan weekend outings to do as a family and attempted to include “parent B” in all aspects of my “mini me”‘s life. Sadly, visits and phone interactions exposed me to continued abuse. I was regularly questioned about if/who I was dating and threatened that I would be harmed if seen out in public with another man. I was denied financial support for Bree and told that I would receive it only if I returned back “home”. Visits were often cut short if I used my phone or was suspected of speaking to a romantic interest; things I was entitled to do as a single woman. In such instances, I would be quickly loading my baby and her belongings in the car while being berated, and then off on my way traveling 40 minutes to get back home to my parents. It seemed that all of my efforts to successfully co-parent were in vain. I endured this negative experience for some time until I was finally done.

After it was clear that I would no longer place myself and little one in unsafe/uncomfortable predicaments for the sake of visiting time with “parent B”, I sought the help of my parents to assist with visits. Although my efforts at co-parenting failed, I continued to value the goal of helping Bree maintain a relationship with her father. I believed that I could now assist in doing so by removing myself from the situation. However, removing myself from the equation helped very little and seemed to cultivate more conflict. For another year or so I was met with morning calls and texts where I was threatened and degraded. I faced several incidents where my daughter was taken for visits, not returned, and used as bait in efforts to scare me. Authorities would be called to serve as mediators to help get my baby back home and when she did return , I was left afraid to allow her on future visits. The conflict I experienced in efforts to co-parent made life challenging and caused me to question if it was even worth it. I understood that I again put myself in a position to create a life that could happen but at a great cost.

After a short time, it became more and more evident that the goal of co-parenting to meet the best interests of my “mini me” was something that only I found important in my parenting duo. Getting myself and “parent B” on the same page seemed nearly impossible and was not going to happen at that time. So I decided to rethink my goals and values as a mother considering what I could and wanted to do. I could only ensure that I was the best mother I was able to be and could not force my dreams or ideals on anyone else. I learned that co-parenting could only happen with two agreeable parents and sadly I was not in that place with “parent B”. I moved forward with my goal of giving Bree the best life, making sure that she was my number one priority, and ensuring that she was happy and well cared for. I left space and opportunity for “parent B” to come around at his own pace. Sadly, it seemed that the door to such a future closed after he disappeared for some time. I then started wrapping my mind around the idea of successfully single-parenting. The issues of power and control were gone from my life but like hurdles, new problems presented.

Stay tuned for pt. II of Co-parenting with the “Conflictual” Parent: now you see me… now you don’t. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Millennial Mom